tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83882495435503498582023-11-16T02:19:23.385-05:00Ana's Journal"I'm not starving myself. I'm perfecting my emptiness."
Just a girl caught in a web of lies, spun between reality and fantasy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger244125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-31734619147808523712013-02-15T01:18:00.001-05:002013-02-15T01:18:02.494-05:00My Lyrical Contribution To Valentine's Day<br />
I see a black bird moving like a shadow through the sky,<br />
And it's vast wings gleam raven in the moonlight.<br />
And it croons and caws and knocks on my door.<br />
And my heart skips a beat because I know what that means.<br />
<br />
It's not the omen of death but the awakening of my heart;<br />
It means the man I love is digging his way out of his grave,<br />
And we will dance in dark amidst the boquets and gravestones,<br />
As two dark, romantic lovers until the sun rises once again.<br />
<br />
Because I'm in love with a dead man,<br />
And I'm in love with a poet, yeah.<br />
We're just two tortured souls on an uneven road,<br />
And we'll hurt ourselves for our creative toll.<br />
And though the cost is great; it's music to our ears,<br />
And we were poets born lost - me and E. Allan P.<br />
<br />
And I feel like a jynx and people look like I'm bad luck.<br />
Like I'm a black cat that should be kept away and cast out.<br />
And though I can barely see, I can still feel.<br />
And I find comfort in knowing that this doesn't have to be real.<br />
<br />
And the raven crows.<br />
<br />
It's not the omen of death but the awakening of my heart;<br />
It means the man I love is digging his way out of his grave,<br />
And we will dance in dark amidst the boquets and gravestones,<br />
As two dark, romantic lovers until the sun rises once again.<br />
<br />
Because I'm in love with a dead man,<br />
And I'm in love with a poet, yeah.<br />
We're just two tortured souls on an uneven road,<br />
And we'll hurt ourselves for our creative toll.<br />
And though the cost is great; it's music to our ears,<br />
And we were poets born lost - me and E. Allan P.<br />
<br />
Can you hear it? Ba-bum-da-dum-dum.<br />
If you listen, can you hear it? Ba-bum-da-dum-dum.<br />
Those who mock me, can you hear it? Ba-bum-da-dum-dum.<br />
It's the sound of us; It's the sound of us - Our tell-tale hearts.<br />
<br />
Because I'm in love with a dead man,<br />
And I'm in love with a poet, yeah.<br />
We're just two tortured souls on an uneven road,<br />
And we'll hurt ourselves for our creative toll.<br />
And though the cost is great; it's music to our ears,<br />
And we were poets born lost - me and E. Allan P.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-90922237834369531932013-02-08T04:37:00.002-05:002013-02-08T04:37:55.734-05:00Drowning in the StyxeI need you to drive the knife into my heart<br />
because I couldn't get it far enough.<br />
I need you to end it all to save me<br />
because I'm the broken one.<br />
<br />
If you love me more than anything,<br />
then you'll give this gift I need desperately -<br />
my last final wish before I let you go<br />
and free my lost and lonely soul.<br />
<br />
Will you let me drown in the Styxe?<br />
Will you let Lethe carry me<br />
to a place where I can forget I ever lived?<br />
Death's no stranger there; I'd be more welcome in his lair.<br />
It took me more than twenty years to find my place of rest.<br />
<br />
I'll swim in the river of the dead,<br />
And I'll fly with my fellow ghosts.<br />
I'll swim in the river of the dead,<br />
And I'll fly with my fellow ghosts:<br />
<br />
These lost but friendly souls.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-58077572705521080322013-02-04T01:26:00.001-05:002013-02-04T01:26:35.625-05:00Painter's Palette<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I'm living in a land of make believe, where nothing's as it seems.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">It's black and white, and this shade of green doesn't flatter me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">But I'm envious of the life you lead and desperate to change the one that's mine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">In a dark and lonely world, my colors can be deceiving.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I paint bright skies, I add color to my own life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And I paint the stars at night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I paint bright skies, I add color to my own life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And make a rainbow when I need it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Because when I hold the brush in my hand, who's to say I have to wait for the rain?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is my palette, and my life's my own canvas to do as I please.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I don't have that much to give; I don't have that much to take.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">But I'll make use of what I can, the world's putty in my hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I feel wet tears stream down my face; the skies are crying with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">The clouds outside are grey, and I feel dull, I don't like to feel this
way.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I paint bright skies, I add color to my own life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And I paint the stars at night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I paint bright skies, I add color to my own life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And make a rainbow when I need it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Because when I hold the brush in my hand, who's to say I have to wait for the rain?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is my palette, and my life's my own canvas to do as I please.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I've shattered dreams, I've spread lies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Destroyed hopes and misled minds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">The word is out, you can't trust me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">It's said I thrive on being greedy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Close your ears and open your mind<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Listen to me, look in my eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I paint bright skies, I add color to my own life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And I paint the stars at night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I paint bright skies, I add color to my own life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And make a rainbow when I need it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Because when I hold the brush in my hand, who's to say I have to wait for the rain?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is my palette, and my life's my own canvas to do as I please.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-5857830172989067382013-01-29T14:19:00.001-05:002013-01-29T14:19:06.280-05:00Queen of the Damned<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">The irony is not lost on me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">The subtlety behind your
actions that seem</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Like you love me; there's no
one but me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">You say you love me</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">For what you think I am.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">But I know how to read
between the lines.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And liars can always tell
lies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I'm the queen of the damned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I invented the sinner's
hand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I rule the world with an
iron fist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I'm the queen of the damned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And you're a lost soul.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">While I’m queen, welcome to
my land.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Kiss my feet and take my
hand</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Bow before your queen.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I am kind and merciful</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">To those who show who they
adore – and that’s me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">But I know how to read
between the lines.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And liars can always tell
lies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I’m the queen of the damned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I invented the sinner’s
hand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I rule the world with an
iron fist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I’m the queen of the damned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And you’re a lost soul.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">While I’m queen, welcome to
my land.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Say it like you mean it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Pretend like you mean it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Make me believe it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Think that you believe it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And liars can always find
liars, and liars sleep with liars.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And we lie, but we don't
hide it, cause we know that we’ve been bad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And liars can always find
liars, and liars sleep with liars.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And we lie, but we don't
hide it, cause we know that we’ve been bad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I’m the queen of the damned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I invented the sinner’s
hand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I rule the world with an
iron fist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I’m the queen of the damned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And you’re a lost soul.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">While I’m queen, welcome to
my land.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-43734882415563202912013-01-23T22:20:00.003-05:002013-01-23T22:20:53.397-05:00Is it me?Moving to a new place is hard. I always thought that I wanted to jet off somewhere and meet new people, see new places, explore new cultures...that feeling hasn't changed really, but I didn't expect the loneliness that comes with such a dream. A part of me feels like a social pariah - the one at the party that everyone chooses to ignore if even invited at all, though usually not. What is wrong with me? I'm not the one you would expect to be so weary and lonely.<br />
<br />
It's hard looking around at people as they laugh and tell stories of their lives; I smile, drink my coffee, and makes jokes in return. Even if I get a laugh, it's just never enough. There's something about me that will draw people in only so far before they turn around and walk away even faster. I've always been this way, and it's always been something that confused me. I'm not too devastating to look at, I smile (in public) more than anything, and I'm always friendly. So what is it that I'm missing? Why are other people who are more cruel, more angry, or even somewhat dull making bonds with people in ways that I never could?<br />
<br />
The loneliness in my life has made me wearier, and I've found myself losing myself in my dreams. I imagine a brighter future, picturing myself in a city where I am surrounded by strangers, waving at familiar faces, and basking in the brightness of the day. But I have 4 more years of darkness before a dawn that I don't even know will be there. And it's hard to swallow the feeling that things could never, in fact, change.<br />
<br />
I miss having someone I could call. I miss getting excited for the weekend when I would actually venture outside my home. I miss laughing, comforting, ranting, running, and even just sitting in contented silence with someone else who was happy to be with me. Now I dread the days that are filled with nothing, when all that accompanies me are the darkest thoughts of my mind. I hate the feeling that my throat is full of air that can never reach my lungs. I hate feeling like I'm about to cry before turning outside to watch the birds and pretend like that's me flying through the sky.<br />
<br />
But above all else, I'm terrified because I know that I will continue on, pushing through each day like it's just another one and accepting desperation as routine as the setting of the sun. And I watch as the time ticks by and the days pass, idly wishing that each one would be my last. Though I have a hope, though fruitless as it seems, that has roots buried deep...and yet, every day, I ask the question: am I strong or am I weak?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-15238791804982887982013-01-18T03:16:00.003-05:002013-01-18T03:16:36.096-05:00Run<i>I keep meaning to write real words, but my actions inspire songs instead. So I wrote this literally in 5 minutes, just a few minutes ago actually. I think my mind just thinks in lyrics these days.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Perhaps one day someone will sing them for me, if they're brave enough to sing them on a thousand TVs. </i><br />
<i>Because I'm not meant to be stuck in the light, and the gleaming of the screen just wasn't meant for me.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Lyrics:</i><br />
<br />
I cut myself to know I'm alive.<br />A mindless act to pass the time.<br />I see red running down my side,<br />and I think, Is that mine? Is that mine?<br /><br />I drown myself in layers so I can disguise myself.<br />I dye my hair so I could hide from those who know my name.<br />But I can only run so far before I'm out of breath.<br />And no matter how far I go, I end up back from where I came.<br /><br />So I'll run in circles and I'll run in circles.<br />And I'll run in the dark and I'll run in the dark.<br />And I'll hide from you and I'll hide from me.<br />And I'll close my eyes and pretend it's all a dream.<br /><br />I blink, squeeze, and shut my eyes.<br />Wishing I could sleep, wishing I could die.<br />But it's not my time; it's not my time.<br />And I think, when is mine? When is mine?<br /><br />I drown myself in layers so I can disguise myself.<br />I dye my hair so I could hide from those who know my name.<br />But I can only run so far before I'm out of breath.<br />And no matter how far I go, I end up back from where I came.<br /><br />So I'll run in circles and I'll run in circles.<br />And I'll run in the dark and I'll run in the dark.<br />And I'll hide from you and I'll hide from me.<br />And I'll close my eyes and pretend it's all a dream.<br /><br />I've fallen and I can't get up; I guess my feet have finally had enough.<br />And my mind is screaming for me legs to pick me up,<br />but I'm disconnected and senseless and numb.<br />I've fallen and I can't get up; I guess my feet have finally had enough.<br />And my mind is screaming for me legs to pick me up,<br />but I'm disconnected and senseless and numb.<br /><br />But I'll try and I will<br /><br />Run in circles and I'll run in circles.<br />And I'll run in the dark and I'll run in the dark.<br />And I'll hide from you and I'll hide from me.<br />And I'll close my eyes and pretend it's all a dream.<br /><br />So I'll run in circles and I'll run in circles.<br />And I'll run in the dark and I'll run in the dark.<br />And I'll hide from you and I'll hide from me.<br />And I'll close my eyes and pretend it's all a dream.<br /><br /><br /><i> </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-27931944705457817562013-01-12T20:20:00.001-05:002013-01-12T20:21:02.723-05:00Clownlike Faces<i>One of these days, I will write something other than my made-up lyrics. It's too bad you can't hear the melody and the piano to them...but you'll have to imagine the somber music and harsh notes.</i><br />
<br />
I'm seeing clown-like faces on the street before me.<br />
It's like a spastic circus under the guise of normalcy.<br />
I'm see flashing lights and neon signs.<br />
It's like herding cattle on a Saturday night.<br />
<br />
I'll bleed my name in diamonds; I'll polish my bones.<br />
Spruce myself up so when I fall it's still a show.<br />
My dreams are crashing down, pull the curtain; it's time to run.<br />
Let's the paint the stage red with what's bleeding from my arm.<br />
<br />
And all those people who are screaming my name cannot see my pain.<br />
And all those flashes and Cheshire grins are enough to make me insane.<br />
<br />
Because in the city lights, I'm just one lonely soul.<br />
And under the neon signs, crawl too many lonely people.<br />
And I can barely stand; I can barely breathe.<br />
What's one person in a city of people just like me?<br />
<br />
So I'll dance to the beat of my own drum,<br />
And I'll sing to the notes of my own song.<br />
And I'll dance to the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.<br />
And when I fall, will someone help me up?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-42260161742300552882013-01-08T19:10:00.005-05:002013-01-08T19:10:49.940-05:00I can't even remember my nameI've written thoughts I'll never say aloud, unsung lyrics to a silent song.<br />I hold my breath for fear that I'll cry; to stop the rain pouring from my eyes.<br />My stomach's filled with butterflies, and I don't know why.<br />I'm nervous for something to crash into my life.<br />My paranoid mind won't halt the thoughts racing through my head,<br />And I'm terrified that I'll regret all the things I've left unsaid.<br /><br />I'm a forgettable figure, I'm a forgettable face.<br />A forgotten nothing, unforgivable disgrace.<br />And I'm worth nothing, I can't even remember my name.<br />I look in mirror and see a stranger in my place.<br /><br />I yearn to be someone beautiful and kind who's not ignored and thrust aside.<br />I used to smile but knew it didn't reach my eyes so I practiced til I was satisfied.<br />My stomach's filled with butterflies, and I don't know why.<br />I'm waiting for something to crash into my life.<br />My paranoid mind won't halt the thoughts racing through my head,<br />And I know that I'll regret all the things I've left unsaid.<br /><br />I'm a forgettable figure, I'm a forgettable face.<br />A forgotten nothing, unforgivable disgrace.<br />And I'm worth nothing, I can't even remember my name.<br />I look in the mirror and see a stranger in my place.<br /><br />I wish that I could be a child running through the field<br />with not a care in the world, dandelions at my heels.<br />But when I was young, the grass itched my feet,<br />and I cried and wished that I wasn't me.<br />And here I am, letting hope fall from my hands<br />Because it's always been this way and people never change.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-22628433030518810942012-12-06T03:47:00.000-05:002012-12-06T03:48:19.628-05:00Midnight DrabblesI think I could be beautiful given time.<br />
I think I could be happy given time.<br />
I think I would cherish my time spent in the right state of mind.<br />
<br />
I think I could be lovely given time.<br />
I think I could be perfect given time.<br />
But I have so much work left to do that I think the hourglass would empty too soon.<br />
<br />
And my future looks bleak; I've fallen in too deep.<br />
And I've lost the rope to get me out of here.<br />
Throw me a new one; please someone throw me a lifeline<br />
Before I run out of time.<br />
<br />
I think I could be careful given time.<br />
I think I could be wiser given time<br />
I think I would listen to my own advice if I could trust myself.<br />
<br />
I think I could deter sadness given time.<br />
I think I could deter madness given time.<br />
Forget all this nonsense; draw my own lines of what I want in my life.<br />
<br />
And I choose to be lost, and I choose to not be found.<br />
I run from grace and hide from the ones who want to save me.<br />
I'll wish upon a shooting star, wishing I could shoot that far.<br />
Fly straight into another galaxy.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-11244749698813299982012-11-02T04:03:00.001-04:002012-11-02T04:03:26.520-04:00Falling off the bandwagonI've been trying to lose weight. What's new?<br />
<br />
Note that the key word is <i>trying</i>. Yes, I have lost 5 pounds, but does it count as a loss when there was an initial gain in the first place? I should never have had 5 pounds to lose! In fact, I should never have been this size to begin with. Fat is inversely proportional to self-discipline, so here I am, lacking all self-control. I already take up so much space in this world, and I feel greedy, selfish, imposing, and so unworthy of all the room that I am keeping to myself. It just seems so unfair sometimes that I am like this, and I feel as though if I were smaller that I would be more respected, would receiver fewer stares, and perhaps finally be lost amongst the crowd. But at 5'7", all 140 lbs of me can be spotted all too easily. For once, I don't want to be remembered as the fat friend, always looked upon with pity and sympathetic glances.<br />
<br />
And while I know that there is a way to accomplish this--eating healthily, exercising, drinking water, and sleeping...so many of those things I refuse to do. I lie awake at night, intentionally preventing myself from falling asleep in order to put off tomorrow. I rarely drink water because I spend too much time drinking coffee to make up for my lack of sleep.I don't eat healthily because I either feel too guilty to eat or I binge/purge. And I struggle to exercise because when starving, I have too little energy, and after purging, I am too dizzy.<br />
<br />
The result is me in a constant state of denial, depression, and guilt. My mind is always thinking about all the things I've done wrong and concocting grandiose plans to fix my problems. When I see that my teeth are rotting, I grow concerned solely because of the high price it will cost me to get it fixed. And when my chest hurts, I idly wonder if it's merely a bruised rib or potentially a heart problem developing. I know how I will feel, and I know I will feel worse. And yet, I can't imagine my life without this because this is all I've truly known. It's become a part of me that I've grown to accept and hate, though I can't let it go. Who would I be without my insanity? Who would I be if I slept peacefully? Who would I be if I didn't envision shadows and phantoms behind me, threatening to swallow me whole?<br />
<br />
I can't imagine my life as anything but what it is. The only thing I can do is remember that tomorrow is a brand new day, and despite my efforts, I will wake up to the same guilty feeling, the same self-destructive pattern, and all around, the same old agonizing shame.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-22672410023951681202012-10-19T02:41:00.000-04:002012-10-19T02:41:08.961-04:00Thoughts In A MelodyDo you ever feel like you're going around through life, watching yourself from the sidelines? I do. All the time.<br />
<br />
I feel like I'm watching a movie, where I'm not even the star of my own show, and I'm screaming at myself as I helplessly watch mistakes being made again and again. For someone who pretends to have control over her life, I sure as hell am losing my mind. I don't know who governs my actions, but it doesn't seem to be me.<br />
<br />
There are so many people in this world, and I can't come to terms that we are each in one reality, living our lives separately and seeing the world through different pairs of eyes. It boggles my mind.<br />
<br />
I should be studying for one of two tests that I have coming tomorrow, but here I am, typing away and putting off the inevitable. I am back to my college habits of hiding in my room, writing lyrics and poems and twisted words in the middle of the night, dreaming unending nightmares that create haunted visions in my head, and delaying the realities of the future that lays before me. Sometimes I feel that I can twist the world to suit my needs, playing naive and rejecting that which I choose not to believe. But unfortunately, I can only live in my head for so long before the world comes crashing back in and tears me down. My words, even now, don't even make sense, and they're written in melodies and whispering rhymes, flowing from my fingertips. I am quickly losing my last grips on reality, and I don't know how long it will be before it is lost completely.<br />
<br />
I am trying to write words that are just words in sentence-form, but no matter what I do, they seem to rhyming. And that's part of what scares me, because my thoughts are just mixing up into one long, depressing song.<br />
<br />
And it's frightening me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-16938390433361905172012-08-17T01:54:00.002-04:002012-08-17T01:54:30.041-04:00LyricsAs usual, when I have nothing to say, I post lyrics that came to my mind. In my head, there's a melody, but for you, it can be anything you want it to be.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>I'm free falling through my dreams</i><br />
<i>Feeling the wind under me</i><br />
<i>I'm flying through the sky</i><br />
<i>Like a bird with a broken wing</i><br />
<i>Fix me, I can barely breathe</i><br />
<i>The air is choking me</i><br />
<i>Heal me, I can barely stand</i><br />
<i>This disfigured form of me</i><br />
<i>Hold me like a treasure that you'll never let go</i><br />
<i>Treat me like your own precious pot of gold</i><br />
<i>I'm hiding at the end of a fading rainbow</i><br />
<i>Buried beneath the ground, waiting to be found.</i><br />
<i>See me as an enchanted island -- a deep mystery</i><br />
<i>Search for me at the bottom of the sea</i><br />
<i>For I have silver and golden gems</i><br />
<i>To give you in return</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please find me before I've drown</i><br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-78912330947329345382012-07-20T04:20:00.000-04:002012-07-20T04:20:03.518-04:00Old Habits Die HardI'm back.<br />
<br />
It's been a while since I last posted, primarily because I didn't have a functioning computer but also because I've been so disappointed in myself. I get in slumps, and lately I've started plummeting again. I gained 5lbs, though still weigh less than I did in college, and I'm about to start graduate school. I'm in a small town, and I know I'm going to find it difficult to learn to establish real relationships. Eventually, <em>someday</em>, I will stop running from the world. But for now, I'm still picking up my heavy feet and sprinting towards a place that I don't yet know. <br />
<br />
I recently bought razors again even though I've almost made a year (if you discount one moment of curiosity). I still have the scars, and I cannot wear short sleeves. I also have a random scar in the shape of a star on my hip...that one I still don't understand. Sometimes I use a blade because I'm ashamed of myself, but sometimes I use it merely because I feel like it. Perhaps if I sat down and pondered my actions, I would come up with a more concrete reason for my moments of absurdity, but I don't have time nor do I care. It wouldn't make a difference.<br />
<br />
I have been running on little sleep, and I am exhausted. And yet, I am awake in the middle of the night. I have a tendency to delay going to sleep in order to postpone tomorrow. Maybe that's a sign of depression, but I've been like this all my life and have accepted who I am. I am an outwardly relaxed, go-with-the-flow kind of girl, but on the inside I'm a paranoid, terrified nut. If I had the motivation, I would explain one of my most recent episodes of paranoia. Looking back on it, I should probably keep it to myself because it's embarrassing, illogical, and potentially damaging to my fake semblence of sanity.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, goodnight and sweet dreeams. I will post an update on my newest diet creation and some new poems that I have spun recently. I apologize for the delay, and I hope <em>someone</em> is still interested in reading something.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-20935549783583510252012-02-02T23:06:00.000-05:002012-02-02T23:06:11.564-05:00more fruitless words in my wilted mind<i>I'm like a bird flying against the wind,</i><br />
<i>struggling to keep control of my wings.</i><br />
<i> I can only hope that my dreams won't be lost</i><br />
<i> as the blackened clouds roll in.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i> I'm like an insect fighting against the storm,</i><br />
<i> the pestilence the world abhors.</i><br />
<i> But I only wish that the things I hold dear</i><br />
<i> won't be crushed by what I hear.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i> I'm like a fish swimming in the sea,</i><br />
<i> surrounded by others within in reach.</i><br />
<i> Yet I'm drowning; I can't breathe.</i><br />
<i> Loneliness is drowning me.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>And I can't distinguish between fantasy and reality;</i><br />
<i>I cannot find the line between what is wrong or right.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-35703684466749864212012-01-11T23:55:00.000-05:002012-01-11T23:55:18.885-05:00Sun, Sun, Go Away. Leave My Misery For Another Day.Sometimes when it rains, I can't help but smile. It's like the sky can feel my pain and the clouds want to cry. Why give the sun all the glory when it always shines so bright. Up and down it goes, always the same. Up and down it rises and sets to bring another day. How I'd wish it away. The sun doesn't feel my pain; it doesn't cry in sympathy. The Sun, you'll never know tragedy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-17813998012252423832011-12-30T23:50:00.000-05:002011-12-30T23:50:28.856-05:00The Things They Say And The Things We HearI received one of the greatest compliments, in my opinion, from a friend a few weeks ago. Well, I suppose one wouldn't necessarily consider it a compliment persay, but I appreciated it all the same. The context of the story was me mentioning to my friend that my recent foot problems were caused by me being, apparently, incredibly pigeon-toed. As a baby, I even had those shoes with the bar in between to fix the problem. Clearly that didn't quite work. At least being pigeon-toed is better than the latter, walking around with your feet pointing outwards and looking awkward. Now I'm getting sidetracked. What my friend commented was, "You're so adorably flawed."<br />
<br />
Now, some people might not appreciate that, but I did. Being told I'm perfect all the time is exhausting. It forces me to try to live up to this high expectation that other people invariably set for me, and it frustrates me when I know that I'm not as perfect as they seem to believe. Obviously. I'm a bit of a mess on the inside and on my arms, though they're covered in silk and lace. What I loved was being told that I'm not perfect, but I'm loved anyway. And this is why this particular friend has been the only one that I open up to (sometimes) and the one that I want to keep in my life. It's nice to know that even though I screw up, cause problems, and have no conscience, I still have someone who cares about me.<br />
<br />
People say things that they think will have positive reactions, but we often hear their words differently. I frequently hear something firsthand and then hear a retelling secondhand, and the stories never match up. Somewhere there's a disconnect between our ears and their mouth...actually that disconnect is called air. It's the space between us, and the space that separates us. It's the gap that clearly shows the differences between our minds and bodies, and it's the reason that we can't communicate our thoughts in a way that they're received properly. Of course, it will always be there, and personally, I somehow have a disconnect between my brain and just about everything else in reality. <br />
<br />
My friend will never know how much she means to me, but I don't think there will ever be someone like her. I know that I don't mean nearly as much to her, but that's okay. Because even though I'm flawed...someone thinks I'm adorable.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-20391357699380546792011-12-25T11:09:00.000-05:002011-12-25T11:09:57.390-05:00Tis the Season<div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Merry Christmas. I find this to be one of the most anticlimactic days of the year. It's the day that I realize that all the cheer and all the joy that people pretended to have for the past month will be gone in mere hours. I love Christmas(time), but the actual day itself is borderline depressing. I admit that I find that many things in life have that quality, but that's for another day's musings.</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 21.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Christmas is a beautiful time of year. People pretend to be happy, gathering together and laughing while consuming large quantities of alcohol, buying gifts for people they don't truly care for, and consuming foods that will cause them to gain at least 10 pounds under the protection of the "It's the Holidays" excuse. Yes, it's a beautiful time of year. We will all pretend to be happy while secretly feeling guilty and drowning our sorrows with gifts and lights.</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 21.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I think one of the reasons I love Christmas lights is that, at least for a little while, I have something that will brighten my life. It's unfortunate that eventually the strands come down and the lights go out and reality comes crashing back in as the darkness once again envelops my visions. </div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 21.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">But for now, I'm going to enjoy my day of dreaming and my final hours of pretending. For tomorrow the lights will be just a bit dimmer and reality will be that much closer.</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 21.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Another year comes and another year goes; round and round is how our lives go.</span></i></div><div style="color: green; font: 14.0px Handwriting - Dakota; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 21.0px;"><br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-42365725914408302782011-12-19T00:16:00.001-05:002011-12-19T00:19:10.326-05:00Selfishly Wishing For A FriendBeing a bridesmaid is hell. I hear it all the time in movies, on tv, and from people I've met. You have to pay lots of money to buy a dress that you'll never wear again or have your hair and makeup done in a way that looks hideous but makes the bride feel better about herself. It's not always like that, of course, but it seems to be so more often than not. I bring this up not because I'm going to be a bridesmaid but on the contrary. I'm nearing the age when <s>friends</s> people I know are beginning to consider their weddings or future engagements. And when I think about it, I realize that there is not a single person who would choose me as one of their closest friends to be in their wedding. And as selfish a thought as it is, I can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't be a decent friend.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I close myself off too much. I've heard that close bonds form when two people are open to each other, but I'm a one way street. I listen, I give advice, but I can't ask for it in return or offer my own feelings. Similarly, I let my relationships slip through my fingers. I don't keep in touch, I act elusive, and I can't form any lasting bonds. Friends that I used to have made new ones, and I was lost in time. They like to see me, but I'm like a distant memory. It hurts every once in a while, but I have no one to blame but myself. Few, if any, have ever made it through my walls, and they don't like to stay within them. Maybe people just don't think I value friendships when I don't contact them or seem to care when lapses of time have passed without conversing; I often wonder whether I am simply incapable of it. Are there people in the world, like me, who just can't form sincere friendships? Am I just too much of a flake to be considered a treasured companion? I offer light entertainment briefly before I once again disappear into the wind. Who wants a friend who comes and goes like the rain? <br />
<br />
I'm not reliable, I'm never constant, and I'm always running. Even now I'm looking into graduate programs across the country, and I can tell you that I will move without regret or turning back. I won't miss people, just like I won't value the new ones that I meet. Life is always changing and I never seem to stop moving. I may never be a bridesmaid, and I'm okay with that. But I don't think I'd even make the guest list. I can assure you that I'm really not talking about weddings. Or rather, I am, but that's not the point. I selfishly wish for a friend who would call me just to hear my voice. And here I sit, alone in my dark room, knowing that I could change but seemingly lost upon how to do it.<br />
<br />
We were born into this world as single beings, and perhaps for some of us, that is how we were meant to stay.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-43114813714252635722011-12-04T20:01:00.000-05:002011-12-04T20:01:28.509-05:00Secrets Secrets Are No FunI finally put up Christmas decorations today, and now my house feels infinitely more festive. I wish I could enjoy the holiday season a bit more, but as it is, I'm a little overly stressed at the moment. Work has been obnoxiously busy, and I'm applying to graduate school with the full knowledge that my grades are pathetically below desirable. There are too many things going on for me, and I'm struggling a bit to cope with all of it. This is one of those times that I wish I had a friend.<br />
<br />
Working with girls my age is great because they're a lot of fun, but I don't like for fellow employees to know personal things about me, even if they're more like friends. I like to go to work, pretend as though my life is perfect, and act cheerfully. Sometimes it feels like I'm living a lie, but I'd rather do that than see pitying, knowing eyes staring at me like they did back in high school when you can only hide your problems for so long. Still, there's certainly times I wish that I had someone to confide in about things - nothing deep or particularly serious (I only have one friend for that, if she asks when I'm drunk) but just anything to get of my chest. I had my first ever boyfriend, I guess you could call him, last summer. It was only a month, and we both mutually (thank god) decided it just wasn't really working. I never told the girls at work; they think I still have never had one. I can never mention it to them for certain reasons, but on top of that, they also completely and utterly lack the ability to keep secrets. I, however, do keep them. One woman told me something she didn't want the others to know, and when I didn't say anything and they found out I had known the whole time, they wanted to know why I didn't tell them. I suppose I just feel that when someone tells me a story, it's theirs to tell and not mine to share.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was great except for the fact that I definitely gained 5 lbs and purged every day I was there. Doing so in a relative's house with people around all the time is awful, and I recommend not doing it...ever. I've totally done it at my grandparents, too, but moving on. I much prefer my private, hidden away bathroom at home. My own personal haven for my twisted mind. Now I'm going to burn off the pita chips I consumed today. Whoops :(Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-25196965121303932342011-11-15T23:08:00.000-05:002011-11-15T23:08:53.192-05:00The melody is in my headI'm in love with misery, I'm a fan of diamond rings.<br />
Cut me with that shiny thing, tie me down and watch me bleed.<br />
I can liven your wildest dreams, feed your darkest fantasy.<br />
I am here, I'm on my knees, begging for some release.<br />
<br />
Cause I am falling in too deep, drowning myself endlessly,<br />
searching for a gentle stream to guide me to a better dream.<br />
And every night in my sleep, I'm waking up to my own screams,<br />
tossing, turning relentlessly, and tearing my last shred of sanity.<br />
<br />
The sun has set long ago; the stars are gone, they've gone back home.<br />
I'm screaming everything I know to realize I'm all alone.<br />
<br />
But there is a face that haunts my days.<br />
Seeing bloodshot eyes, gazing back at me.<br />
And I cannot sleep, it's frightening me.<br />
I'm wrestling with phantoms in my dreams.<br />
<br />
I'm standing here, in a room all alone,<br />
surrounded by mirrors on each and every wall.<br />
I'm searching for the exit, but I can't find the door.<br />
Can't handle my reflection anymore.<br />
<br />
And I need you now to comfort me somehow,<br />
whisper soothing words and hold me through the night.<br />
Cause I'm seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye,<br />
and I feel a shiver run down my spine.<br />
<br />
And though I'm in love with tragedy, and I'm a fan of wicked things,<br />
it's a flaw in my personality, please someone explain it to me.<br />
I'll sign my name on the dotted line if you really think I've lost my mind.<br />
But before you throw me in a padded room, remember it was you who gave up so soon.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-15541902876265182022011-09-12T20:07:00.001-04:002011-09-12T20:07:56.559-04:00CrossroadsI received a distressing text from a friend of mine today, a girl with whom I spill my heart but have never met. It's funny sometimes how we can connect better with people that aren't within physical reach. Perhaps it's the physical boundaries that make things easier to say...we can write our emotions without seeing the judgment on the other's face and without needing to answer the difficult questions that we'd rather shrug off and cast aside. But the problem is that when the nights are lonely and we sit in the dark, it's the friends that are physically around us that we need. The ones that we don't have. And yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>My point, however, was that she informed me that she wanted to kill herself last night. Words cannot describe how relieved I am that she was able to text me today; she is the one person who I've come to rely on and the only one I can count on to give me strength when I feel alone, though miles away. It's times like these when I sit and really think about what my life has become because I can sit in my room in the dark, staring at a razor, telling someone not to do it while fantasizing about my own demise. I know that I am a hypocrite; we all are. But I don't think that matters. The fact is that we all face difficult times at different times, and it's up to us to try to help one another when we need it. Maybe we just need a little guidance. And as I told her: <i>When the days are dark, we just need someone to shine a little light</i>. Because while those bright days are few and far between, they're the ones we need to remember and the ones that make life worth living.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I myself find myself in a confusing predicament. So often I think about dying, picturing myself driving into a semi on a highway, eyeing a bottle of sleeping pills, or pondering the outcome of pouring nail polish remover down my throat. None of those sound particularly appealing, but at the same time, I am a curious being. But I think of how permanent such an action would be, and I can't decide if it's what I truly want. I think a part of me still holds onto that small sliver of hope that this isn't all that life is about; it will be different one day. And so, I stand here on a beaten path at a fork in the road: one leads to death and the other leads to life; and they both look about the same. Do I want to die or do I just not want to live? Or is it the other way around? </div><div><br />
</div><div>For now, I will just continue on with my life until I figure it out.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-73683488374994761262011-09-09T23:43:00.003-04:002011-09-10T15:27:24.810-04:00HelloI have a lot of things to say, but no will to type them at the moment. So instead, I'll post the little blurb I just wrote, and I hope you enjoy it until tomorrow when I write something else.<br />
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<div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Paralyzed, I've lost my way, frightened by the future.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">My fear, it grips me and holds me hostage with my hands bound behind me.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I'm chained to a wall in a basement alone, stuck without a key.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Never mind that I'm a captive because the kidnapper was me.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I can hear the sound of a river nearby, flowing ever softly.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">The birds are chirping and I know it must be spring all over again</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">A year has come and gone, nothing has changed; I'm still insane.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">So here I hide, fenced in by cement, finding comfort in my pain.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I've heard it said that this is the prime of my life.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">If that's true, I don't want to know what's next.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">This is what dreams were made for, and this is why the stars are shining</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">because we all need a little hope to make it through the night.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I'm waiting for my wishes to come true, but my sky is black;</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I only hope the stars are still out there for you.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Breathless, I blink the tears away, mixing with the rain.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">The clouds are crying with me, the world's heart is breaking in pieces.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">People are rushing by me but all I see are nameless, blurry faces,</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">blending together like a painter's palette, colors lost in traces.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Wise words told me that I'll wish for youth sometime</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">but that doesn't help when now I wish I was dead.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">This is what dreams were made for, and this is why the stars are shining</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">because we all need a little hope to make it through the night.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I'm waiting for my wishes to come true, but my sky is black;</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I only hope the stars are still out there for you.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">One day I'll escape the city to find my own beacon,</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">because these ones aren't working for me.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Maybe I'll fly to Alaska just to see the northern lights, </div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">so they can work their magic and ignite my life.</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">And if you hope enough and if you don't give up,</div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">when I fall in endless sleep, I'll ask for a shooting star to bring luck to you.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-57751507765315633082011-08-30T22:00:00.000-04:002011-08-30T22:00:10.358-04:00Swimming in AirI can't believe I haven't updated in such a long time, and I apologize to anyone who actually cares. Not a lot has happened in my life that I really can tell you; it's just the same things day after day. I did take a different daily vitamin than I usually do this morning, on an empty stomach like always, and I must say, I wouldn't recommend it unless you want to start off your day throwing up. Fortunately, my stomach barely managed to remain where it was, which I was grateful for given that I was en route to work. That would be an awkward moment in the car...if I'm home, however, then I will probably purposely take it to see if it actually <s>works</s> destroys my stomach. I've also heard taking a shot of straight cinnamon does the same thing. I'll test it for you this weekend and let you know.<br />
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Throughout my day, though, I couldn't help but notice that I felt like I was walking through water or swimming in air. Perhaps that's because of my confusion between reality and dreams, but sometimes the days just don't seem real. Or my head was just too fuzzy. Regardless, it's an odd feeling that I seem to experience every day, and I'm idly wondering when I'll finally wake up. Or do I even want to? I'm torn between believing life is a brutal existence and utterly pointless and believing life should be valued and enjoyed for its shortness. <br />
<br />
What is easier: accepting misery or wishing for something you'll never have?<br />
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And here today I was calling someone a Debby Downer at work...he claimed he was just being realistic (which is always what I say after someone accuses me of being a pessimist). I'm such a damn hypocrite. At least I know it, I suppose.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-12200687035599837292011-08-09T20:29:00.003-04:002011-08-09T20:29:37.785-04:00A little song I wrote...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">...I don't think radios would play this.</span><br />
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<div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Hear me cry, watch me fall through this endless pit I'm in.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Smell my fear, feel my pain amidst the tragedy of today.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>There's the voices, can you hear them like me?</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Calling softly, yelling loudly, whispering to me.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>No, I will not jump. No, I will not cry.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I cover my ears for I don't want to die.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>But the noise, it won't fade; it keeps ringing,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>In my head, strange voices are swimming.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Help me, please help me.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I'm falling in too deeply.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Hold me, please hold me,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I'm losing my sanity.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Whether I trek a thousand miles or walk across the street,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>it all feels the same when either way I'll be in agony.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Condemn myself to die or succumb to a life with nothing,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>a morbid decease or a journey so bleak - a loss or a loss - </i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>this is my fate.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Laugh at my tears, smile at my pleas as rain drowns my sorrows.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Shrug when I beg, leave when I reach for a helping hand to guide me.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>The moon is rising this morning, can you see it?</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>The sun is retreating as I watch the eastern sky.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I wanted to cry, and I wanted to jump,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>For the first time in my life I'm ready to give up.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Blackness comes nearer; it's closing in,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>too quickly my vision is growing dim.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Help me, please help me.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I'm slipping down the palisade.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Hold me, please hold me,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I'm failing at this life we made.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Whether I trek a thousand miles or walk across the street,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>it all feels the same when either way I'll be in agony.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Condemn myself to die or succumb to a life with nothing,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>a morbid decease or a journey so bleak - a loss or a loss -</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>this is my fate.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Cherish my memories, savour my last moments,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>wipe the tears from my eyes and kiss the ones on my cheek.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Perhaps I am dying, but it's you I'll be saving,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>and that alone has made my life worth living.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Our dreams have entwined, and you've carried my burden,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>shared my nightmares and held your end of the bargain.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>I could not be fixed, but you tried anyway,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>and for that the sun will return one day.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Whether I trek a thousand miles or walk across the street,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>it all feels the same when either way I'll be in agony.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Condemn myself to die or succumb to a life with nothing,</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>a morbid decease or a journey so bleak - a loss or a loss - </i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>this is my fate.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><i>Forever my fate.</i></div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font: 11.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 13.0px;"><br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8388249543550349858.post-15437604710103579232011-07-28T22:14:00.000-04:002011-07-28T22:14:22.994-04:00SickI've had a cold for the past few days. I hate having something stupid like a cold; I'd rather have the flue since that at least makes you lose weight...even though I've been losing it anyway. My jeans from high school are actually legitimately baggy now. YAY!<br />
<br />
I had soup for dinner tonight and then went out for ice cream, which ultimately brought my caloric intake to nearly 1500! Tragic. Therefore, I had to go work out to burn it off for at least an hour. Instead, when I got home I emptied the entire content of my stomach, soup and all, since I figured that would help...and then worked out for 50 minutes anyway. Smooth move since I have a sore throat already. My actions defy logic most of the time.<br />
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I'm going to bed early, even though I slept almost 12 hours last night, and hopefully I'll feel a little better tomorrow. We shall see. Also, I really really want to go shopping, mainly for jewelry since that can't make me look fat (I hope). I can't wait until I'm really skinny, if that will ever happen. Another 30 pounds may do the trick. Or 20...or 50...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0