Day One Down!

Okay, so today I had Cinnamon Roll oatmeal (delicious), which was 160 calories, and sushi (??? calories). Generally, eight rolls of sushi is around 250 calories, but I'm honestly not sure how much this one was. I think that considering the only other calories I consumed was the oatmeal that I'm in the clear. So, day one is completed, and I'm just sipping on some diet A&W (0 calories). I have to say, I was BEYOND excitement when I saw that I had one comment. Thank you so much! I just get excited to see that someone has read my post, and I highly encourage all comments, even if you just want to say something short. I know that sounds so selfish of me, but sometimes I just really need encouragement.

Now, I have some off topic thoughts that I just wanted to mention, and I am curious about other people's thoughts and advice. I am 20 years old, and I have never had a boyfriend. I have no trouble finding dates, but I rarely actually want to go on them. Moms tend to want to hold off on their daughters dating, but my mom is always trying to get me to go on them. The reason is because I am beyond picky. I expect a guy to be absolutely perfect the moment I meet them, and I notice all of their flaws before anything else. I am extremely judgmental in this arena, and I tend to think that unless they are conservative, drink coffee, love to ski, and play tennis (aka the male version of me), then they aren't worth my time. It's really terrible. Who cares if a guy doesn't like coffee? Does that even affect a relationship in any way? The obvious answer is no, it doesn't. Yet, my stubborn brain can't see beyond such superficial things no matter how many times I tell myself this.

After reading an article that my mom showed me yesterday, I learned a few things that should have seemed obvious. The article was titled, "Seven Mistakes that Single Women Make." Unlike many articles about the mistakes that women make when dating, this one described the mistakes women make when they reject men. I found it fascinating and very applicable to my situation. I complain all the time about not having a boyfriend, but the fault is all mine because I never give a guy a chance.

There were two points that I found the most helpful. The first was that women tend to think that there is always someone better. Instead of thinking about how a guy is good enough, we tend to wonder if we will meet someone who is even more perfect than what we've already found. The author compared it to shopping for a sweater. You find the perfect blue sweater, but then you decide you want to look around a little bit in case you find one that's better. A few months later, you realize that either a) you still loved the first one or b) you did find a second one but was it really that much better in the first place? Probably not. The reality is that no one is perfect, not even you, and what one guy lacks he makes up for in something else. The second point was that you can't expect the guy to have your exact same interests. So he doesn't like coffee, no big deal. If he's never skied before? Oh well, he can learn sometimes. Guys don't expect a girl to sit down and watch the baseball game with him, so why do we expect them to be interested in the things we love?

My goal is to stop being so judgmental and give a guy a chance, but I'm already kind of failing at it. I'm totally going home next weekend because I don't want to deal with Valentine's day. I did that last year, too, and said no to someone that I wasn't that interested in by making the excuse of going home...I'm a terrible person. Does anyone else do this? It's really impractical for me to be so picky, and I'm going to end up as one of those old ladies with lots of cats. And I don't even like cats!

Hey Again

I've been slacking with my posts hardcore. Part of the problem, I think, is that I don't really get any comments from anyone. It's not your fault, but I'm probably simply not writing anything interesting enough that requires a comment. And for that, I apologize. I don't know why my mind has been so dull lately.

It's really late right now, so I just wanted to check in and write a short blurb. There has been a little more on my mind, but since I'm so tired and have class in 6 hours you will just have to wait for the fuller post.

I'm starting the ABC diet again tomorrow because I ate very poorly last weekend. I was home, and I think that was the problem. Whenever I go home, it's as if it is a celebration, and we go out to dinner a lot. It's just bad news, and I hate not knowing how many calories I'm consuming. Therefore, I felt the need to return to the structure of the ABC because I always feel like I'm working towards a positive goal when I have a set plan. Tomorrow is 500 calories as usual, so I'm not too worried.

Groooss

So since I have no plan right now, I have pretty much been winging it. Today, I consumed 450 calories, and I feel DISGUSTING. It just seems like so much to me, and I'm not really sure what to do. I suppose I should just wait and see if I lost weight tomorrow morning before I make myself feel miserable for my fatness. I don't know if it is the fact that my stomach has shrunk and am not starving or if it is the fact that I have energy and am not about to black out every time I move, but I feel as though I am not restricting enough. I really, really wanted chocolate again today, but fortunately, I learned my lesson. If I'm craving something, then I shouldn't go to the grocery store even for gum because the temptation will be too much. I decided to just deal with it and had an apple instead. I don't know why I'm getting all of these cravings, but I did have less-than-one-tampon's-worth of a period a few days ago...could that be related? I don't normally have a menstrual cycle, even though I'm twenty, and I've heard that girls crave things then. It's kind of sad that I don't know about these things...

Anyway, I am also searching for a good workout that won't strain my knee. I have knee problems, which cuts down on pretty much any exercise that I could possibly do besides swimming. And while I love to swim (and used to be a hard core swimmer before college), it's just too cold outside to walk around with a wet head. Once the weather warms up about ten degrees, I will be more than happy to swim laps. I think swimming would be especially good because there wouldn't be any dizzy spells or anything. And I might try some yoga, depending on the pose...maybe I just need to work out to pump up with weight loss to make myself feel better.

Is it ridiculous that I feel so fat when I've still been eating less than 500 calories?

New Day

Okay, so obviously I failed Sunday's ABC plan. The stress of everything just kind of came toppling down one me, and I binged. I don't binge very often, and I'm working on pulling myself back together now. I've been trying to figure out the next steps in my plan, but I'm not really sure what to do. I liked having the structure of the ABC diet with a set amount of calories designated for each day, but I don't know if I should try something a bit more lax for a little while while I recoup. Yesterday I had less than 400 calories, but I couldn't calculate the exact number because of the half salad that I ate for dinner (I don't know how many calories of the 200 total I consumed). Regardless, I did well technically, but I still feel gross. I am at the weight I was on Sunday still, pre binge, but it's depressing. I would feel so much better if I was a few pounds lighter rather than the same weight...

I am going home in a few days (Friday, to be exact), and I am very much looking forward to seeing my family. I plan on making my maximum calorie limit 400 for each day I'm home. It shouldn't be too difficult for me to pretend to have breakfast and hopefully lunch as well, so dinner will be the only thing I'll be eating in public. In the morning, I plan on heating up a bowl of oatmeal, letting it sit for a little while in the bowl, and then stealthily dumping it in the sink. A dirty bowl means I ate it, yes? As for lunch, I can always make a sandwich, leave a bit of crust, and throw the rest down the disposal. My mom will probably be painting in her studio at some points during the day, which is how I can get away with things like that. She's very supportive of my not eating much because I am such a happier person when I'm thinner. She just wants me to be happy, which is really great.

If anyone has some good ideas for a diet, please let me know! I've heard many times that fluctuating how much you eat is a really good idea, but I'm not sure what numbers would be good. I don't want to eat more than 500 on any given day, and I still need to lose a lot of weight...HELP!

Uh Oh

I'm having the worst chocolate cravings of all time right now. I've had about 150 calories, and I want chocolate sooo badly. I've tried everything to curb this feeling, and it's been hours since it started. I did an awesome job this morning when I went to brunch and resisted everything but black coffee. Maybe the prospect of pancakes really got to me. Perhaps if I just went to the grocery store and got some diet root beer, I would be fine. Unfortunately, there is also almond milk and sugar free pudding mix...which is coincidentally what I really really want. It would put me at 300 calories instead of 200, but I would be so happy. I'm really considering breaking the diet for it, so I think you can guess how strong this craving is. I haven't had chocolate of any form in weeks.

I'm not going to binge or start eating everything in sight, but it worries me that if I don't just succumb and eat the diet pudding that a binge could be exactly what happens. Sometimes just giving yourself what you truly desire is the best way. I haven't done it yet, but I hope I'm not a serious let down to people if I go 100 calories over. I'll eat 100 calories less tomorrow, which I tend to do every day anyway. I know it wouldn't be exactly within the plan, but let's face it, who really cares how strict I am with the diet? I care about losing weight and eating very little, and I have been losing a pound a day. I don't think 300 calories today would suddenly turn me into a balloon...okay, I'm ranting. This urge feels like something bigger than me. And I think the sooner I get the correct ingredients, the less likely I'll buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which would obviously be worse than 150 calories of pudding. I know this from experience.

Yep, definitely doing it. But hey, 300 calories total for the day is still pretty good, and I did resist both pancakes and cinnamon rolls this morning so I still am feeling successful regardless. Maybe, even though it's cheating, I can take the extra calories from that 500 day and just tack it on today haha

Sorry for the let down, people. It's not really a binge, though, at least.

Terrible Day

So, today started off great. I lost another pound from yesterday, and I went shopping. Unfortunately, my knee started killing me while I was walking around. I have a lot of knee problems, and I think the cold weather just really started to take its toll on my joints. I tried to get off work and failed because for some reason, calling hours ahead of time is just not good enough. The fact that I can't walk is apparently irrelevant. Instead of being excused like any normal job, I have to find a replacement or be penalized for missing a shift. And of course, no other college student wants to pick up a shift on a Saturday night. So stupid. In addition, my continuous inability to sleep has been taking its toll on my mental stability because I broke down and cried. I'm not a crier and never have been, but apparently I just kind of snapped. But that's not all. My phone is also broken...fabulous. It's just one of those days where everything goes wrong.

Fortunately, I stuck to the ABC. So even though all hell breaks loose on the rest of my life (or it felt like that anyway), I can at least control exactly how much I eat. It comforts me to know that at least that part of my life won't spiral out of control because it is entirely in my power. I've only eaten about 100 calories so far today..actually exactly 100, and I plan on having some sugar free jello soon. I will be within the limit either way.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. My phone will still be broken, and that will still suck. But if I can help it, I will lose another pound. Sorry for the short post, but it's just really been a draining day.

Made it?

Phew! I'm getting ready for bed soon since I didn't sleep much last night and am so tired, but I think I made it through the day? I had 2 pieces of sugar free gum, and I was wondering if I still made it through the fast despite that. The principal reason for the gum chewing was due to my, ahem, poor breath. I've never had bad breath and forgive my dishing about personal information here, but I think that my body has definitely gone into ketosis. I've heard about how when you're body is lacking carbohydrates, it goes into ketosis, which in turn causes bad breath. So, for the sake of the people around me and my own comfort, I popped in a piece of gum when in public. The logical part of me tells me that it is perfectly reasonable to chew gum while fasting, especially since pretty much any human being would agree that gum is not really considered food. But the twisted side of me is also telling me how much of a failure I am and how fat I must be to feel the need to chew gum. Of course, it was only two pieces, which corresponds to about 5 to 10 calories...clearly I have problems.

Anyway, tomorrow I can eat 150 calories, and I went to the grocery store to get all kinds of goodies for my future eating allowances. My grocery list primarily consisted of pickles (lots of pickles actually), celery (Oh, crap! I just remembered now I forgot cucumbers!!!), diet pop, sugar free jello, lipton packet soups (only 45 to 50 calories), and some Smart Ones. Did you know that there's a Smart One that is only 140 calories? I think that's as good as you can get when it comes to frozen meals, but that's ideal for days when I can eat 200 or 300 calories, especially considering I tend to only eat once a day.

I realized today that I will be home next Friday for the weekend, and I'm starting to get nervous about the fast for next week. If I'm lucky, I can hide my lack of eating for dinner...at least I can lie about lunch since I won't get home until after that. My mom is proud of my weight loss, but she has no idea how I'm doing it. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear, but I don't want to break my plan because I couldn't come up with a creative lie. Normally, my parents would go out to dinner on Fridays, but unfortunately, my dad is going to be out of town. I'm just going to have to brain storm this week, so it's a good thing I have plenty of time for that. If anyone has any ideas, then please let me know! Normally, I wouldn't worry, but considering how much I've been complaining to her about my raging headaches/migraines, I don't know how easily I'll be let off the hook...no more complaining for me.