Determined to stay binge free

Okay, so I have lose five pounds since Tuesday, which is awesome! So I'm just half a pound over the weight that I was a couple of weeks ago, but I'm determined to keep it up and not let a binge come on. I ended up having some spinach last night and ended the day at less than 100 calories still. I could have made it without eating, but I was worried that my metabolism would stop or something because of the fast. I've heard a lot about that happening, so I figured that I would have something small and see how it affected my weight the following morning. But now I'm not really sure what to eat today. This was the first morning that the effects of not eating has started to take its toll, but I have a feeling that maybe it's just dehydration. I tend never to drink water, which is horrible, and honestly, I don't know how I'm still alive sometimes! The only sources of water that I have are coffee, diet pop, and...food? I'm working on changing that because caffeine dehydrates you, so all the coffee I drink is actually negating the water that it contains.

One of my biggest problems is that I do really well for several days and then end up bingeing at the end. It's like I take three steps forward, one step back. So ultimately, I am still losing weight, but think about how much more I would lose without that backwards step! I just need to stay motivated. And I've noticed that when I crave sweets, I really should just eat some fruit or something because that works fine for me. But by the time I decide to give in, I'm ravenous so I go to the grocery store and buy unhealthy food like ice cream. So I am determined not to let that happen.

Also, I have noticed that I can be very persuasive when it comes to my inner thoughts. If I consciously wrinkle my nose when I'm around food, then eventually I start to subconsciously feel repelled by all things associated with food. If my mouth waters because something looks really good or has a rich aroma, then I get really frustrated and bite my tongue in reproach. And again I start to feel revulsion by the food. It's all mental, and even if I really want something, I just need to convince myself that I really don't. So that's how I'm determined not to binge today. It's not that I really feel like it, but I'm just worried that it will happen regardless. I just need strength!

Day Two

Okay, so I have successfully fasted for two days now, and it hasn't been hard at all. The ease at which I've been starving myself is kind of worrying me because even though I've already lost three pounds from yesterday, where are the usual hunger pains? I don't know if it's because I am such a fat slob and ate so much over the past week that my body has so much fat to use for fuel? It's weird though that I'm not getting dizzy and weak yet, but it has only been two days after all. I mean, I don't mind feeling fine if I can continue to not eat and lose that much weight every day, but I'm still worried that I'm not feeling a bit more effects from fasting. Oh well, I'll let you know how I feel tomorrow. Crossing my fingers that I didn't just jinx it!

Phew

Today was the first day of my fast, and thank god I made it! I'm relieved to know that I still have the strength and willpower because after so many days of eating so poorly I was worried that I had lost my mind. I'm not even hungry right now, which is a good sign I think. I had better lose five pounds soon because that's how much I gained after only a week and half...Granted, it was a week and a half of practically straight bingeing.

Part of the key is to make sure that I am not home for extended periods of time. I was gone all day from 8 this morning until 6 at night, and I just drank black coffee during the day. I find it very easy to live off of coffee and other sources of caffeine for the majority of the day. I realized that when I binge, it is ALWAYS after dinner. So how do I fix this problem? Simple. I eliminate dinner. If I don't eat that meal, then I won't start eating everything in sight. It's foolproof.

My goal right now is to make it more than five days without food. Ideally, I would like to fast for as long as possible. How long can people go without food anyway? I have read that people can go four to six weeks, depending on other factors. So if I drink a lot of water and continue to take my vitamins, then I should technically be able to make it at least four weeks without worry. Realistically, I probably will not make it that long, but one can dare to dream. I leave for spring break in exactly four weeks, and it would be great if I could refrain from eating until then. Obviously at that point I will probably have to start putting some sort of sustenance in my body in order to prevent my own demise, not to mention my roommate will be with me over spring break 24/7 in Arizona. We're visiting my grandparents, and I'm really excited for the warm weather. I generally prefer the winter, but I do enjoy visiting warmer climates on occasion. Plus, I have all these cute summer heels I want to frolic around in.

Anyway, I will continue to keep you guys updated on my fasting extravaganza, and if you want to join me then let me know! It would be great to have a fasting buddy. Soooo anyone want to starve together???

Falling Hard

Perhaps it was only because I felt so miserable today after never going to bed last night, but regardless, I couldn't stop the depressing thoughts that continuously plagued my mind. I have made some startling revelations in the past few days, one being how little I value my life. It's not that I plan on ending it (although I have considered it in the past), but I take little to no measures to ensure its longevity. I'm sure, after more than a month of posts, you guys may have noticed that I really like to write. In fact, I write every day, even though it's almost always my disturbing inner thoughts. That is usually how I occupy my time between classes or work...or I draw, but lately I've just been continuously writing elaborate thinspiration quotes as supposed to sketching. My mom's an artist, and I did manage to get that gene but it wasn't something that I wanted to pursue as a career like she did. However, I still allow my creative side to show through, and this is what I wrote while battling fatigue and boredom:

"I think that I've finally lost my mind. I always knew I had issues, but I didn't really think I had it in me to quite fall this far. It's kind of a strange feeling...I feel like nothing and no one can hurt me because I hurt myself more than anyone else ever could. I'm listening to Johnny Cash, "Hurt," and I think I know how he feels. He sings, 'I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.' Sometime I feel as though I'm not really living. Im not grounded, have nothing keeping me here, and I walk through life as if I'm trapped inside a mere shell and watching the world through blinders. HOw long will I be asleep in this dream called life? When will I finally wake up and take control of the disaster that I know awaits in my not too distant future?

"I don't know that I really truly care about anything. The only thing I live for is that damn scale and making the frightening numbers go down. In the past, I've bought diet pills, laxatives, and even syrup of ipecac...but I was always too chicken to use them. Now the vials that have been waiting buried in the drawers of my vanity are beckoning me, and I don't know how long I can resist the temptation. Of course, I've long since given into the the lure of diet pills. I don't know that they have the greatest effect on me because now I can feel the pain in my chest, or more specifically, the left side of my chest. My heart beat is frantic, and I wonder if it is just my mind or is my heart actually in pain? An odd feeling, and I almost had the urge to call my mom and tell her I loved her...but I'm not one for dramatics and I know I'm not having a heart attack. It's probably the combination of lack of sleep and high doses of caffeine.

"I'm not intentionally trying to end my life by any means, but I certainly don't do much to save it. I tell myself that at least I'm close to a hospital. Yes, that's my justification. Oh well, whatever happens happens. This is a case where saying that there's nothing I can do about it is an outright lie. Technically, it is well in my physical control, but I just can't sum up the energy to care. In the end, I just continue leading the destructive lifestyle that I'm sure will be the death of me someday. I'm curious as to when all of my actions are going to start taking their toll, and I know that it will come as a shock to anyone who knows me. It's amusing to see how people think I'm this perpetually cheery person when in reality my mind is a whirl of depression. And my mom thinks that I believe myself to be perfection personified because that's what everyone else thinks. In her mind, I am too critical of other guys and refuse to date them because they aren't good enough and I ignore my own faults. Little does she know that it's more that I'm afraid of how they'll react once they finally realize (without me telling them since I refuse to give my secrets) that the young woman they believed to be a prize is actually a beautiful disaster with an eating disorder and little care for self preservation. It's such a drastic change from my outward impression, but that's what makes me such a perfect liar. I'll never get help for my troubles because no one close to me would ever believe that I'd need it since I hide it so well. Of course, I'll be eating my words if anyone ever finds this.

"Maybe one day I will stop leaving this double life. But I can't possibly show the world what I write in confidence, and I never can make my mask the reality. Who's to tell what is real and what is not? Even I have no idea. And perhaps that's what frightens me the most."

All of that written in my biochem notebook. And fyi, I think I did well on the exam! Too bad it cost me an entire night of sleep.

And I'm doing a fasting competition that starts on Wednesday. Feel free to join!

Procrastination is my middle name

Note To Self:

Don't put off studying for a biochem exam until the night before. You will not sleep, and you will feel like death for several days.

Thank You.

Depressed

I haven't felt this lost in such a long time, but here I am, sitting on my couch, trying to hold back the tears. I can't wait until my roommate leaves so I can relax a little bit because I don't want her to know how I'm feeling. I am the type of person who keeps her emotions under lock and key. I always try to seem like a really strong person, even if I'm breaking down inside, and I refuse to acknowledge defeat. There may be tears fighting to fall from my eyes, but I will NOT allow a single droplet to escape.

I just made an entire playlist (currently comprised of 57 songs and counting) dedicated to depression. I don't think I'm actually clinically depressed, but I felt the need to set the mood. My roommate was watching a sappy movie that I wanted to destroy, and I'm so relieved that I now have the Olympics on instead. I don't know if maybe I've just finally snapped or lost my control, but I feel as though I've slowly been losing my power over my emotions. Of course, when I say that, I actually mean that I'm losing the strength of pretending to be happy. It takes so much energy, and I'm starting to lose the willpower. Right now, I'd rather just sit here with an emotionless mask on my face and continue to be unamused by everything around me. This is the only outlet that I have to express myself because I can't actually talk to anyone. Hiding everything in my life is so difficult sometimes, but I don't know what else to do. I have never been good at expressing my feelings, so everything that happens in my life, with the exception of my daily activities that are superficial and boring, is kept inside. Is anyone else this secretive? I just can't imagine living any other way, but it tears me apart every once in a while. At the moment, I really wish there was someone to talk to, but I just can't.

And of course, one of the reasons for my current depression is my realization that I will truly die alone. I know I mentioned how I excited I was for my alleged date on Thursday, but, as usual, it fell through. I always tell myself that I'm just going to give up. Why expend any energy getting your hopes up when you know they're going to be dashed? Well, I still do get my hopes up...deep down...even though I know that things won't work out. But can you blame me? Whenever a guy with potential wants to go on a date, I can't help but wonder if maybe this will be it, if maybe this will be the one time that we actually get to go and have a good time. But no. Just like every other time, there is no date. And I still haven't heard from the guy from last week. If he didn't want to go, then why did he ask me in the first place out of the blue? I just let myself get walked all over every time. How do I protect myself from getting hurt? I would say that I just say no every time I am asked out, but there's always that small part of me that wonders if everything will finally work out.

If only I could silence that voice...because it never has worked out and it never will.

Ow!

I'm just curious but does anyone have any solutions to not getting blisters when wearing heels? I had a meeting today, so I was in heels for about five hours. It might not sound terrible, but I had to walk all over the place, including taking a bus downtown and walking many blocks there. It was rough, and I could feel blisters forming on my feet. I waltzed around anyway as if I wasn't in pain, but when I got home and checked them out...not good. I have four blisters on my right foot and three on my left. Not tiny little ones, but angry red blisters. I'm used to that kind of thing since I used to be a rower, and for anyone who doesn't know much about rowing, the combination of twisting an oar and splashing of water absolutely DESTROYS your hands. I don't mean one or two blisters...your entire hand is literally an open wound. I used to struggle to twist a doorknob, and don't get me started on trying to my hair...

I might just blister easily, too, but I'm trying to find a product that will somehow miraculously save my feet. It never seems to matter which pair of heels I wear, they all wreck my poor feet! But they're just sooo cute.