Distracted

I'm not entirely sure what has been preoccupying my mind lately, but my posts have been sketchily added at best.  I need to get back in the groove and post daily again!  You would think that since I'm living on my own now with nothing better to do with my time that I would be posting constantly...apparently not.  Weird because I'm really not doing anything else productive.

I haven't weighed myself in several days because I'm scared to.  I know I've lost a few pounds in the past few days, but since last week I binged terribly (without purging much, mind you), I gained weight.  Also, my mom is still convinced that my only problem is wanting to lose 10 lbs, which will be fixed once the weight comes off.  She fully supports my efforts.  I know better than her, however, because I am fully aware than 10 lbs will not be enough.  Neither will 20, nor 30, nor 40...I'm depressed and while losing weight makes me feel a quick sense of accomplishment and self worth, it is only a fleeting sensation.  It disappears as quickly as it occurs.  I think my mom is also convinced that I am just a bitch and was being plain rude last weekend when I refused to go out for my birthday.  I didn't want to hurt my friends' feelings, but I just couldn't muster the strength nor the courage to face the public eye.  I couldn't drag myself out of my own little shell to smile at other people with a fake laugh and fake happiness and fake energy that everyone else seems to think is the real me.  They don't see me staring at the wall, huddled in the darkness of my room, which is how I spent the majority of my hours.  They think it's uncharacteristic and "not like me," but that's how I've been for years...I'm just good at hiding it behind a smile that means nothing.

I can't help but wonder how long this will last.  I think I'm going on five years now, and it's kind of a lonely existence.  I have no real interest in anything, to be honest, and nothing captivates my attention for a very long period of time.  Not even people.  Perhaps I really am crazy; sometimes I think so.  My mom wants me to see someone, like a counselor or something, but I don't know that I want to do that.  I don't think she understands the extent of my problem here.  I can tell that I'm falling deeper into my own misery, trying to make myself intentionally more miserable, because that's what I feel I deserve.  Monday I actually had the will and strength (or weakness, depending on how you see it) to drink a bottle of ipecac that I bought three years ago and never opened.  I never thought I would actually do it, and let me just mention, that while it's definitely possibility I would do it again, it is not a pleasant experience.  Sure, vomiting and getting rid of the contents of your stomach is nice, but dry heaving and feeling as thought your stomach is going to come up through your mouth?  Not so pleasant.  And I drank it before going to work...so they let me off early as I clearly could not function.

That night, I didn't go to bed for some reason.  I stayed up all night and then went to bed early the following night, sleeping for 15 hours.  And last night?  Yeah, didn't go to bed again.  I enjoy the quiet solitude that the middle of the night brings to my peace of mind, and I just sit, listening to music, and drawing, willing the day to be delayed as long as possible.  You see, if you're awake, time is slower, but if you sleep, then you wake up to the dreaded day in a snap.  I try to delay life as long as possible, and therefore, I am afraid to sleep.  Anyone else feel like that?

Birthdays Suck

I turn 21 in 5.5 hours.  This sucks, and I wish it was Monday and all over.  I want to cry, curl up alone in my apartment, and not speak to anyone.  I want people to stop trying to plan a party for me when I tell them no, I want my mom to stop saying how grateful she is that she has a flight tomorrow because I'm "being mean," and I want people to understand that not everyone likes the attention that comes with a birthday.  They think they're making me happy but instead are turning this into the WORST birthday ever...and they wonder why I hate them (birthday, I mean, not the people).  Their good intentions are seriously depressing.

Another Day

Okay, so I just need to make it through one more full day before I will have actually made it to 21 years of age.  I've never been able to imagine myself actually surviving that long, but I still have another day so you never know what can happen between now and then.  And no, I'm not going to kill myself or anything, I'm just stating a fact that the future is unknown.

I purged for, I don't know, the billionth day in a row?  I've been stuck at the same weight for about a week, and I guess considering how much I've been eating that's not so bad...still making me extra depressed though.  My heart hurt last night after purging because I was a little more ruthless to my body than usual.  I was dry heaving or throwing up water (no blood though even though that was my goal...don't ask), and afterwards my heart hurt and my stomach was gurgling strangely.  In fact, my stomach didn't stop hurting and gurgling until a few hours ago.  I only slept two hours last night and was doing well on coffee and diet coke until I binged and purged again...and my heart hurt AGAIN but I kept throwing up anyway.  I've never felt it beat so quickly before.  Usually it beats between 50 and 55 beats per minute, which is kinda slow I guess, especially if you take into account the massive amounts of caffeine I drink.  There's probably some connection between the two, but I thought caffeine speeds up your heart rate sooo not sure why mine is still so slow.  Sometimes I swear I can't feel it at all, but since I'm not dead it's clearly still beating in there somewhere.  Anyway, I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, but you never really know until it's too late, you know?  I kind of wish I could just get a little "heart check up" to see how the poor little guy is holding up; I'm curious.  But that's not something you can really do without arousing suspicion, so I guess I'm out of luck.

A friend of mine texted me last night to inform me she and some other people are planning festivities for my 21st birthday Saturday night.  Normally, I would be flattered, but I suspect my mom (since our moms are friends) told her mom about my birthday and that's why my friend is doing this.  I HATE my birthday and always have.  I don't like the attention, and I'd much rather wait to party until the following weekend when it's no longer anything special.  I've always wanted to be 21, but I don't want to turn 21...if that makes sense.

I'm gonna go to bed because I'm fat, exhausted, sleepy, and miserable.  If anyone has any suggestions on the "thump thump" situation...(althought mine sounds more like thump...thump...thump...............thump), then feel free to let me know because I'm probably just being paranoid.  I'm not underweight, but my purging is probably the problem...and the fact that I haven't had a normal day of eating for over a year...it's either restrict severely, fast, or binge/purge.  Terrible cycle, I know, but I'm used to it.

I'm Back

I don't know why I haven't posted in so long; I just have been lacking inspiration and motivation.  I'm still depressed, trying to recover from a several day binge spree that ruined my weight, and feeling even more lonely now that my birthday is around the corner.  I was just in my bed willing sleep to overtake me, but of course, it didn't.  So here I am, sitting in the dark of my apartment, by myself, listening to Lacuna Coil, and typing a post finally.

My 21st birthday is on Sunday.  Most people would rejoice and be making extravagant plans for their drunken bash, but not me.  I'm not much of a birthday celebrator...other people's birthdays, sure, but just not my own.  It makes me really uncomfortable, and the only way people find out it's my birthday is if they notice on facebook.  Otherwise, I never say anything.  I don't know why I'm like that, but I've been this way for a long time and then I get depressed when no one sends me birthday wishes...but I can't expect people to be mind readers and know on their own.  I guess I feel worthless being the center of attention for something that was beyond my control in the first place.  What did I do that makes that day any more special than the next?  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  I'm still alive, which is somewhat of a surprise, but that can hardly be called an accomplishment.  At least I'll be able to drink and go to bars...well, legally.  I was doing that anyway...except, I refuse to go out in public very often, rarely drink because of the calories, and am all around just a pathetic excuse of a human being.

So if it's not obvious already, my birthday makes me feel even more miserable than I already am.  On top of that, I'm boycotting calling my mom because she has been ceaselessly nagging me about life of late.  She continuously sends me emails, texts, or tells me all of these things I need to do, and she schemes more about my life than I do!  It's frustrating because I am overwhelmed by twenty tasks she wants me to do before I can even set about finishing one.  It's too daunting, too impossible a feat, and too demanding for me to possibly succeed.  Therefore, I refuse to call her (and she never calls me, figuring I'll call her when I'm available) because I know we can't just have a lighthearted conversation so I can tell her about all the idiotic things people have done that day.  It's too bad I can't call, too, because I'm utterly alone in my apartment with no one to talk to, and I've barely spoken today.  Mostly, I just sit alone.  But I did go to the bookstore yesterday and bought a book on learning Japanese because I have free time and have always wanted to learn...noooo idea why.  (I like sushi? haha)  My mom thought that was a terrible idea, shouldn't have told her clearly, but I wanted to do something because I wanted to.

Oh well.  Can someone give me some happy thoughts?  I've just been watchign my "followers" slowly decrease in number by the day...further adding to my depression.  Life sucks.

YAAAAAY

No, you're not imagining things:  the ticker has moved to the right.  Okay, so I only dropped below 145lbs by less than half a pound, but still!  I can't believe it, and I am ecstatic.  I'm determined to get below 140 so that I can get a new swimsuit.  My first goal weight is 139, and I'm only 5 pounds away.  When I weighed myself a few minutes ago, I had just taken a shower and had a dinner that consisted of a 100 calorie salad and part of a cantaloupe.  Other than that, I've had some tic tacs, a bullion cube, and sugar free werthers, so today has been stellar.  I should be less than 200 calories total for the day or slightly above.

This is a quick post because I simply could not contain my excitement, especially after such a crappy night last night.  Fortunately, it's all over with and I am done with finals as well.  All in all, it's a good day...well, weight wise...can't say much for the other aspects of my life.  But does anything else matter anyway?!

Truly Alone

A few hours ago my roommate knocked on my door with "something important to talk to me about."  I had a sneaking suspicion what she was referring to, but I had no idea she had known for so long.  She wrote me a note, and I guess she just wanted to express her concern before she left for the summer.  Obviously she's worried about me living alone.  Hell, I'm scared myself.  But she said she wouldn't force me to do anything and has been researching how to deal with the issue.  I guess her research has paid off, though, because she was really understanding.

Anyway, a girl I've been texting (not Arii) didn't respond to my message earlier today, and when I sent one later to tell her how my roommate found out, her mom texted back instead.  She's a really nice woman, though, and wasn't really angry with me.  I told her I would delete the contact and was sorry.  And I stayed true to my words.  I told her to tell the girl I hoped she would get better and be happy.  The mom told me I should tell my own mom because it would break her heart if something happened to me.  This woman is lovely, and her touching words actually made me cry.  I can't stop.  I know she's right, but how do you tell a parent something like this?  At first, I felt completely alone and my heart stopped when I read that initial text, but her mom has given me some strength...isn't that weird how that can happen?  I thought she'd hate me.  It's refreshing to know that there are such kind people in the world.

Thanks

Thanks for the support, ladies.  I don’t know if you understand how much it means to me, but your comments are very dear to me.  I’m like a little child on Christmas morning every time I see there’s a comment.  My little brother is feeling a bit better, but I know it’s only a matter of time before something throws him back down.  I know there isn’t really anything I can do for him, and I can’t take away his pain.  I suppose for now I’ll just have to settle with being his sister.

Yesterday, I had less than 200 calories, yet I still feel guilty.  I guess because when I think about what I put in my mouth, it’s a very long list…just a list of low calorie to zero calorie things, like coffee, tea, diet pop, pickles, broccoli, gum, etc.  I even ate two marshmallows which I picked at for a very long time…they have no fat and are relatively low in calories.  Plus, I don’t like them all that much, and you can’t exactly binge on marshmallows.  At least, I can’t.  Today, I’m currently at work, procrastinating for finals, drinking a soy latte and slaughtering a green apple.  I’ve been using a plastic knife to scrape off the skin of half of it and then taking little nibbles of its flesh.  It’s been over an hour since I began my dissection, and almost the entire apple is still intact or simply skinned.  I’m sure, no, I’m positive, that I can stretch the life of this poor little guy for the next two hours of my shift.  It’s a great way to keep me occupied.  Perhaps, I should always just take a few apples at work and just start skinning them with the occasional small bite.  I tend to just eat and eat and eat at work because there’s nothing else to do, but this kills two birds with one stone.  Barely eat and have plenty to do!  Awesome.

I go home on Tuesday for a week or so since classes will be over, and I was just home last Tuesday morning for Memorial weekend.  I can’t believe how incredibly slow this week has been; it’s literally been dragging on forever!  I cannot wait to go home and check out this new brooding spot that has been occupying my mind endlessly over the past few days.  I am an epic brooder.  I will just sit and think by myself with soothing/depressing music for hours.  I really don’t need human interaction.  It’s overrated.  But I remembered my little spot randomly the other day.  It’s about a mile from my house hidden in these woods by the golf course.  A tiny little stream runs through it, and you can hike over some rocks to get there.  It’s pretty much in the middle of nowhere, and people don’t exactly stumble across the area on a regular basis.  I remember trekking through those woods many a time when I was little after tennis sometimes.  It would be a perfect place to go when I want to be myself.