A Thousand Questions

Do you ever get so confused that you can't tell what is up and what is down?  Do you ever have so much trouble focusing, finding your vision blurring within the first two seconds of gazing at an object?  Do you ever find yourself lost in yourself and feeling like you're just living in a dream?  Or maybe a nightmare?  I do.

I've been so confused these past few days and have been trying hard to lock myself up within and ignore the world around me.  I do this a lot and succeed in forgetting the outside world completely.  When I'm nervous or anxious about something, I just pretend like it doesn't exist and ignore he problem, not bothering to find a solution.  But I work tomorrow, so I suppose reality is going to hit me when I find myself having to deal with people again and an actual routine.  I think I need people around me in order to stay grounded because otherwise I just get a little lost.  Yet, at the same time, I like to be by myself because other people just don't understand me.  Maybe I just don't like the fact that it's good for my well being to socialize on occasion, but then again, when do I ever like things that are healthy for me?

My post today is short, strange, and a little all over the place.  My brain is just having trouble focusing because of too much bingeing/purging it the past few days.  You know how intentionally reversing natural direction of food through body tends to muddle the brain.  So I'm going to bed since I have to get up early for work, and I'm hoping that I will be more inspired, more in tune with myself, and possibly less manic tomorrow.  We shall see, I suppose.

No more finals!

I thought I should exclaim my excitement about being done with finals!  It's an amazing feeling, and I'm hoping that now I can get my life, or at least my concept of time, slightly back on course.  I had a pint of ice cream yesterday to celebrate, knowing fully what I was doing, and then purged it...that brought my intake to about 1500 calories but hopefully the purge got rid of some of them?  Idk, but I didn't gain weight miraculously.  My body is exhausted, and I have a raging headache but I'm playing Christmas music, drinking black coffee, have a vanilla candle lit, and am planning on repainting my nails within the next few hours sooo it's a good day?

I was supposed to work at 7am this morning and I did, but the cafe had so few customers since finals are basically over and students are leaving for home for the holidays so I was sent home.  Normally I would rather get paid, but this was one of my least favorite (okay, is my least favorite) location to work at so going home was fine to me.  Sadly, now I can't decide if I should take a nap since I'm awake.  It's so early still so I might...I have nothing special to do all day but contemplate my life <-- which is never a good thing for my state of mind.

I chatted with my mom and joked about how my roommate thinks I don't like hugs, which is actually true.  She likes to cuddle with people and has no problem with that kind of thing, while I avoid human contact as much as possible.  My mom doesn't really understand because she's huggy and claims my dad is, though I'm convinced that's false.  Sure, he hugs my mom and now us kids, too, (albeit awkwardly and adorably), but we're family.  Or maybe I'm just searching in vain for a reason behind my obscurity and heredity is the best reason I can find.  Anyway, it's only 8:30am (ish), so I need to find something boring to do.  I won't eat until after 12 or 1, and I'm glad that's one rule that I never break.  So bring on the coffee!  Oh and I need a shower...I'm fucking freezing.

Relationships

I've always been the kind of person who refuses to form attachments to other people; I feel like they're pointless.  I don't even know if there is a "group" of such kind of people, but I am one of them anyway.  I don't socialize with coworkers, classmates, teammates, etc. because I feel this intense need to compartmentalize my life and keep things separated so much so that I keep myself separated from everything else.  My friends are more like acquaintances and never particularly close to me.  My own roommate, who is one of my better friends at school, informed me that I never tell her anything about my life...she's the second roommate of mine to tell me that.  And it's not so much that I intentionally hide things (although I do), but I just build up the walls so thick and so close to myself that even the smallest information about my day suddenly makes me feel exposed.

I graduate from college this year, along with most of my friends (or rather, people I know), and a coworker asked my roommate if I was going to miss her.  I guess she told the person that I wouldn't, half jokingly and half seriously...actually, she might have been completely serious.  And the sad thing is that she is probably right.  It's likely that I won't miss her, and it kind of hurts me sometimes that I seem so heartless and just can't have that feeling.  I guess it's kind of sad that I'm so cynical, so cold, and so anti emotions, especially when other people notice and can't understand me.  I never thought that people around me would feel like I keep them at an arm's length and don't let them in, but I think such a person is rare so people take notice when they meet someone like me.  I feel like I seem cheerful, genuinely happy, and a "people person" upon first meeting, but anyone who sees me on a regular basis might see through my facade.  Because I'm definitely not a happy person on the inside; I am extremely jaded, and I don't see the point in most things..such as relationships.

It's an odd feeling that I have right now.  It's like I can tell on some level that it isn't normal to think like I do, that it's okay to establish a relationship and get to know someone and let someone get to know me.  But at the same time, my mind just can't wrap around this concept.  I feel like my way of thinking is just on a different wavelength, and it makes me very confused that my ideals and basic concepts of life don't make sense to most people.  I wish that for one day I could feel the way they do and see how different life would be, but I think the fact that I don't notice that I am, in fact, living is part of my problem.  It's wrong, I'm sure, but I just can't come to terms with the fact that I'm real or that this world is real.  I feel like I'm dreaming and one day I'll wake up and things will be completely different.  I can't help it, and it's the days like today when someone seems to disagree with an idea so solidly and logically planted in my brain that I begin to feel lost.  

And I forgot to eat for more than 24 hours...literally forgot.  No wonder I fit into all of my clothes from high school.  I'm successfully disappearing from lots of studying, excessive caffeine, and no sleep.  It's nice.

Ouch

I feel terrible today.  

I've been studying a lot, I suppose, but mostly I've just been thinking about how much I have to study and how I'm going to fail my exam (thank god there's a curve) and how I'm not going to make it to Christmas.  It's a similar mindset that I had before Thanksgiving, now that I look at it, and somehow I made it to that holiday alive.  I only have a few more days before my finals are over, and I can stop being such a mess of a human being.  But unfortunately, part of my stress is amplified by how I deal with the stress.  Take last night, for  example...epic fail in my feeble attempt at being a normal human being.  I ended up bingeing and purging because I had a strong desire to feel more miserable than I already felt.  All day I sat in Panera studying, drinking coffee, and freezing my ass off so that I was dizzy sitting in my chair, probably severely dehydrated from all the caffeine, and my vision was blurry.  I could barely focus, to be honest.  So when I got home, I felt like what the hell, I might as well try to feel as terrible as humanly possible, right?  And my roommate went out, which meant I had the apartment to myself so I could properly self destruct.  So I binged and purged and then pulled out a fresh razor blade and went at it on my arms.  I stayed up all night until 7:30am this morning for no reason other than trying to delay the inevitable feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt that was going to envelope me when I awoke.  And I didn't disappoint because when I finally closed my eyes, I woke up feeling like I was hit by a car.

On one hand, I like feeling like my arms are burning and like I'm a wreck, but o the other hand, I feel like it would be great to just be normal for once.  But the problem is that I don't think I'd feel like myself if I wasn't always in some sort of agony, seemingly always self inflicted.   And it's become somewhat second nature for me to hurt myself; I barely remember doing it last night.  When I woke up in a daze, I thought, "Oh shit, I forgot about my arms!" when I moved and felt the fabric of my shirt chaffing my skin.  And I forgot I had purged until several hours after I got up.  Kind of strange, but maybe since half of my cutting was done when I was listening to music in my bed in the dark, it was almost like I was half asleep.  And tonight I'm not sleeping because I have an exam in just over 12 hours soooo lots of studying to do.  I'm going to get a whole bunch of sugar free redbull and maybe some form of sugary, fat free candy to keep me going all night long.  

Joy...another all nighter.

Before my mind shuts off...

I thought I should post before my brain completely dies...I just got home from the chemistry computer lab about 30 minutes ago after being there for nearly 12 hours...it sucked.  So I drank a lot of coke zero, red bull, coffee, and sadly, binged.  Fortunately, I'm almost done with my papers, and I haven't shut down yet, though I'm sensing that will be happening within the next few hours.  Basically I just stopped home so that I could shower, redo makeup so I don't look like a zombie, and put on fresh clothes.  All nighters really do suck sometimes (or all the time, really).

This entire weekend is going to be dedicated to studying physical chemistry, which is hell.  Normally chemistry is just terrible to study for in general, but the king of evil in this subject matter is by far pchem.  Sure, people complain about organic chemistry all the time, but that's only because so many people have to take it since it's required for medical school and a lot of other majors.  Very few people get the, um, privelege(?) to take physical chemistry, so you hear less about it.  My advice?  Dont' take it...because you're seriously delusional if you think you want an in depth look into the motion of subatomic particles.

So my game plan for today is to drink lots of coffee and calorie free (AND HIGHLY CAFFEINATED) beverages and maybe have sushi for lunch/dinner as my only meal.  I get off work at 5:30 pm, at which point I will come home and sleep.  I have a big day of stuyding ahead of me tomorrow, and I want an early start and a fresh brain...and an empty stomach.  Personally, I find studying easier on an empty stomach, especially when dealing with finals since you sleep less with malnutrition.  But really, if you want to add more hours to your day stop eating and you'll naturally stay awake longer.  And I'm rambling in my manic state and lack of sleep and whatnot so gots to go...I'll update more logically tomorrow.

Ahhh school

Why is it that I have so much shit to do and not enough time to do it?  I don't think I can even begin to properly express how much I wish life had a remote control so that I could just fast forward the next week and a half and pretend like finals are over.  At least I have one tomorrow so I'll have one out of the way, and I can see the finish line even if it feels like forever and like I have to go through hell to get there.

I also saw the first snow today...granted it was really only a few snowflakes for a very brief amount of time, but beggars can't be choosers.  I do live in Ohio, after all, and we just don't get that much snow (or at least, not as much as I would like).  It's also great to know that it's officially December, which makes the Christmas season feel more legit.  Personally, I think December is the best month of the year.  What's not to love about it?  Except for December 25th...that's a dark day in my book.  That probably sounds strange but think about it:  Christmas Day means that Christmas is over.  I love the holiday season not the day itself.  I feel like Christmas Day around noonish is extremely depressing because the gifts under the tree are gone, the tree has served its purpose, and soon the decorations will be gone.  I get this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and always get the feeling I want to cry.  I suddenly feel like I've lost my purpose, and my reindeer slippers (which have bells and are duck taped on the bottoms since they're ancient...stole them from my mom) will no longer be acceptable.  Although, I'm not sure if they're ever really acceptable, but I love them anyway so...

Also, I think I'm back to my pre Thanksgiving weight.  I'd check to see how my velvet pants fit, but I just painted my nails black and they're still a little wet.  I probably shouldn't be typing, but that and putting on tight pants have drastically different repercussions to drying nails.  Fortunately I'm typing with the pads of my fingers so no damage done yet.  The black polish has a glossy overcoat, and my nails look almost like an extremely dark purple instead but I think that's because of the lighting.  Maybe when I go outside the color will be more obvious.  It's strange that I've wanted black nails for so long...I'm not a gothic or emo or punk kind of person, so it looks just more...chic?  I'm a big fashion kind of person and can't think of the last time I wore a tshirt even.  So anyway, I need to go to the library and search for the book I need for my final tomorrow.  I'm displaying my epic procrastination skills...I'm talented.

I'm Back

Hey, everyone, I'm back and with internet service.  I actually had service in Chicago but barely...it would only work every once in a while and was very slow so I didn't really try to use it.  I did really well in the beginning, but I crashed and burned after a while.  Thanksgiving has too much food, and all activities seem to revolve around it.  It's quite irritating, but I think that with a little hard work I'll be back to normal in a few days.  I only gained a few pounds, and probably no one else would notice but me.  On the plus side, though, I got a lot of adorable clothes!  I needed new skinny jeans because my old ones were so stretched out that they could hardly be called "skinny."  I now have a new pair of designer skinny jeans, which while pricey are totally worth it.  I'm the kind of person who would splurge on a good pair of jeans because they're hard to find and the expensive ones seem to be the only ones that actually fit me properly.  But I've worn them several times already, and I've only had them for a few days.  I also got a pair of over the knee black boots that are flat so that I can wear them all the time, and my mom bought me a few things because she thought they were too cute to pass up.  I love it when she decides to buy me things...maybe she does it because I don't expect her to or ask.  She's a good mom.

I'm glad it's finally the Christmas season, and I can freely listen to Christmas music without any guilt.  I love seeing the lights, decorations, everything.  There were many giant Christmas trees in Chicago downtown, and I was so excited to see it all.  I'm like a little child when it comes to the holidays.  And now I only have one week of hell before my finals, and I'm really hoping that I'll pass them all.  I can't even begin to describe how much it would suck and how embarrassing it would be should I fail a class because then I couldn't graduate early.  Everyone I know already knows I'm prepped to graduate in March, and I couldn't imagine how terrible it would feel to tell them I have yet another quarter because I'm dumb.  But I have no one to blame but myself and my preference for self destruction over school.  I've already wasted the entire day in misery, cutting my hip and my arms in retribution for the few pounds I've gained, and now my skinny jeans are really killing the aching skin on my hip.  Tight jeans brushing over freshly cut skin does not equal a good time, but I deserve it so I'll suck it up.  That was my plan all along anyway, fully knowing what I was going to be wearing and how it would feel.  That's so fucked up, but I can't help it.

So now I'm going to go study, drink some coffee, and maybe eat something for the first time today.  Probably some Holiday Gingerbread from Starbucks...it's not exactly good for you but when it's the only thing you eat that day....I'll still lose weight.