I fucked up again today :(

Binged and purged three times, only slight cutting, and am still awake even though I get up in three hours.  But I'm too afraid to go to bed again because I feel so damn guilty and am worried about waking up tomorrow and being excessively roll y poll y.  I really need to stop punishing myself by not allowing sleep because when you sleep you can't eat...and I think it boosts your metabolism.

Anyway, I just thought I'd toss in a short post of my thoughts before going to pack up to go home tomorrow (or rather, in several hours)...and I want to clean my apartment, too.  I think that will get my mind off of things, and I only work until noon tomorrow and then can take a nap or something.  Ugh, misery.

Seriously, why do I fuck myself over like this?  *Irritated*

A little yellow

I know I went on and one yesterday about how I wanted help and how much I wished I could get it...I wasn't lying but like I said, I'm too much of a coward.  Asking for help means acknowledging that there's actually a problem.  So here I am sitting at the kitchen table, refusing to go to bed, having binged and purged four separate times in the past five or six hours, and literally watching blood dripping down my arm onto the kitchen table.  Yep.  I have no problems at all...no fucking problems...

Right now my focus is kind of on the fact that I ate so much shit and the guilt is weighing heavily on me.  I'm jut hoping and praying that if I do well today and tomorrow then Friday will be like last night never happened.  I think it takes two good days to make up for one day of a bad binge, but we'll see, I suppose.  At least since I didn't sleep, when I get home from work in sixteen hours, I can go straight to bed and pass out.  No late night bingeing to make up for being alone and bored out of my fucking mind.  I apologize for my ridiculous language in this post, but I'm pissed off at myself, if that isn't obvious.  I was doing so well, and you know when you fail one day and feel as tough all your hard work has been ruined?  It doesn't matter that my clothes will probably only be slightly tighter tomorrow or that my stomach might just be bloated, I still feel as though I've gained fifty pounds and like everyone will notice.  So to make up for my binge(s), I will just continue to wreak havoc on my arm because I deserve it.  I did just get fresh blades yesterday so I might as well make use of them.  And I'm not gonna lie, the red color is rather pretty...as sick as that sounds.  Weird that it comes from my own body.  This is another ones of those moments that I just feel a little disconnected from myself.  I'm not violent and my apparent fascination with my own blood only extends to my own being, but...slightly disturbing, I guess.

Thanks for all your support by the way.  I wish it could actually spur me to do something, but I worry that maybe I'm really just normal and making things seem like a concern when they're not.  This is probably why I need an outside opinion  someone to tell me that I need to seek help because this isn't right.  Otherwise, I'm going to remain in my dark, little world until I can't take it anymore.  It's just a question of what happens first.

Disturbing

I wrote a good four pages of thoughts while in Panera today in between shifts at work.  I'm not going to type up what it was because I'm not planning on reading it...I know for a fact that what I wrote was disturbing, mainly centered on suicide and on my confusion about life in general.  All in all, I'd rather pretend that I wasn't the one who wrote it.  Honestly, I write disturbing things all the time (most of which I keep to myself and never post on here), and when I read it (if I read it), it feels as though someone else wrote it.  Re reading my random musings always freaks me out, and I'd much rather remain blissfully ignorant to my creepy thoughts.  Sure, I am aware of what I'm writing at the time, but there's something different about writing it down as it comes to mind than looking back on it.  It's hard to explain.

Similarly, watching shows like Intervention scares the hell out of me.  There was one about a girl who was cutting herself, and I couldn't even watch the preview.  Seeing it on tv like that makes me squirm and think about how wrong it really is...and yet, I keep doing it.  I tell myself, "I'm not like that," but I think that may only be because it's different when you see things through your own eyes instead of from the outside.  But I don't look like those girls either.  Most of them have really dark undereye circles, never wear make up, and all around don't take care of themselves; I do.  I wear makeup, strut around in fancy clothes, do my hair, wear perfume, and try to cover imperfections.  Maybe that's why I do such a good job of hiding my problems by hiding everything on the outside; but the problem with these girls, I suppose, isn't what they look like or their apparent lack of style but their actual mental states.  And that is what we have in common...unfortunately.

Here I am, though, pretending that I'm perfectly normal, but if someone took one look at the things I write in my personal journals and on scrap pieces of paper that I hide in my room, then I think I would quickly find myself in a psych ward.  Is it possible to have a serious problem and never be helped?  Or is that how people wind up dead?  I don't know.  I can't say I don't want to die because that's kind of a lie, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if I'm really doomed to be forever lonely and forever in misery, even if it's my own fault for being in this position.  I'm not a bitter person because it's been my problem all along and no one else forced this on me...and maybe that's why I feel like help would be nice sometimes.  It's too bad I'm too scared to ask for it.

A Thousand Questions

Do you ever get so confused that you can't tell what is up and what is down?  Do you ever have so much trouble focusing, finding your vision blurring within the first two seconds of gazing at an object?  Do you ever find yourself lost in yourself and feeling like you're just living in a dream?  Or maybe a nightmare?  I do.

I've been so confused these past few days and have been trying hard to lock myself up within and ignore the world around me.  I do this a lot and succeed in forgetting the outside world completely.  When I'm nervous or anxious about something, I just pretend like it doesn't exist and ignore he problem, not bothering to find a solution.  But I work tomorrow, so I suppose reality is going to hit me when I find myself having to deal with people again and an actual routine.  I think I need people around me in order to stay grounded because otherwise I just get a little lost.  Yet, at the same time, I like to be by myself because other people just don't understand me.  Maybe I just don't like the fact that it's good for my well being to socialize on occasion, but then again, when do I ever like things that are healthy for me?

My post today is short, strange, and a little all over the place.  My brain is just having trouble focusing because of too much bingeing/purging it the past few days.  You know how intentionally reversing natural direction of food through body tends to muddle the brain.  So I'm going to bed since I have to get up early for work, and I'm hoping that I will be more inspired, more in tune with myself, and possibly less manic tomorrow.  We shall see, I suppose.

No more finals!

I thought I should exclaim my excitement about being done with finals!  It's an amazing feeling, and I'm hoping that now I can get my life, or at least my concept of time, slightly back on course.  I had a pint of ice cream yesterday to celebrate, knowing fully what I was doing, and then purged it...that brought my intake to about 1500 calories but hopefully the purge got rid of some of them?  Idk, but I didn't gain weight miraculously.  My body is exhausted, and I have a raging headache but I'm playing Christmas music, drinking black coffee, have a vanilla candle lit, and am planning on repainting my nails within the next few hours sooo it's a good day?

I was supposed to work at 7am this morning and I did, but the cafe had so few customers since finals are basically over and students are leaving for home for the holidays so I was sent home.  Normally I would rather get paid, but this was one of my least favorite (okay, is my least favorite) location to work at so going home was fine to me.  Sadly, now I can't decide if I should take a nap since I'm awake.  It's so early still so I might...I have nothing special to do all day but contemplate my life <-- which is never a good thing for my state of mind.

I chatted with my mom and joked about how my roommate thinks I don't like hugs, which is actually true.  She likes to cuddle with people and has no problem with that kind of thing, while I avoid human contact as much as possible.  My mom doesn't really understand because she's huggy and claims my dad is, though I'm convinced that's false.  Sure, he hugs my mom and now us kids, too, (albeit awkwardly and adorably), but we're family.  Or maybe I'm just searching in vain for a reason behind my obscurity and heredity is the best reason I can find.  Anyway, it's only 8:30am (ish), so I need to find something boring to do.  I won't eat until after 12 or 1, and I'm glad that's one rule that I never break.  So bring on the coffee!  Oh and I need a shower...I'm fucking freezing.

Relationships

I've always been the kind of person who refuses to form attachments to other people; I feel like they're pointless.  I don't even know if there is a "group" of such kind of people, but I am one of them anyway.  I don't socialize with coworkers, classmates, teammates, etc. because I feel this intense need to compartmentalize my life and keep things separated so much so that I keep myself separated from everything else.  My friends are more like acquaintances and never particularly close to me.  My own roommate, who is one of my better friends at school, informed me that I never tell her anything about my life...she's the second roommate of mine to tell me that.  And it's not so much that I intentionally hide things (although I do), but I just build up the walls so thick and so close to myself that even the smallest information about my day suddenly makes me feel exposed.

I graduate from college this year, along with most of my friends (or rather, people I know), and a coworker asked my roommate if I was going to miss her.  I guess she told the person that I wouldn't, half jokingly and half seriously...actually, she might have been completely serious.  And the sad thing is that she is probably right.  It's likely that I won't miss her, and it kind of hurts me sometimes that I seem so heartless and just can't have that feeling.  I guess it's kind of sad that I'm so cynical, so cold, and so anti emotions, especially when other people notice and can't understand me.  I never thought that people around me would feel like I keep them at an arm's length and don't let them in, but I think such a person is rare so people take notice when they meet someone like me.  I feel like I seem cheerful, genuinely happy, and a "people person" upon first meeting, but anyone who sees me on a regular basis might see through my facade.  Because I'm definitely not a happy person on the inside; I am extremely jaded, and I don't see the point in most things..such as relationships.

It's an odd feeling that I have right now.  It's like I can tell on some level that it isn't normal to think like I do, that it's okay to establish a relationship and get to know someone and let someone get to know me.  But at the same time, my mind just can't wrap around this concept.  I feel like my way of thinking is just on a different wavelength, and it makes me very confused that my ideals and basic concepts of life don't make sense to most people.  I wish that for one day I could feel the way they do and see how different life would be, but I think the fact that I don't notice that I am, in fact, living is part of my problem.  It's wrong, I'm sure, but I just can't come to terms with the fact that I'm real or that this world is real.  I feel like I'm dreaming and one day I'll wake up and things will be completely different.  I can't help it, and it's the days like today when someone seems to disagree with an idea so solidly and logically planted in my brain that I begin to feel lost.  

And I forgot to eat for more than 24 hours...literally forgot.  No wonder I fit into all of my clothes from high school.  I'm successfully disappearing from lots of studying, excessive caffeine, and no sleep.  It's nice.

Ouch

I feel terrible today.  

I've been studying a lot, I suppose, but mostly I've just been thinking about how much I have to study and how I'm going to fail my exam (thank god there's a curve) and how I'm not going to make it to Christmas.  It's a similar mindset that I had before Thanksgiving, now that I look at it, and somehow I made it to that holiday alive.  I only have a few more days before my finals are over, and I can stop being such a mess of a human being.  But unfortunately, part of my stress is amplified by how I deal with the stress.  Take last night, for  example...epic fail in my feeble attempt at being a normal human being.  I ended up bingeing and purging because I had a strong desire to feel more miserable than I already felt.  All day I sat in Panera studying, drinking coffee, and freezing my ass off so that I was dizzy sitting in my chair, probably severely dehydrated from all the caffeine, and my vision was blurry.  I could barely focus, to be honest.  So when I got home, I felt like what the hell, I might as well try to feel as terrible as humanly possible, right?  And my roommate went out, which meant I had the apartment to myself so I could properly self destruct.  So I binged and purged and then pulled out a fresh razor blade and went at it on my arms.  I stayed up all night until 7:30am this morning for no reason other than trying to delay the inevitable feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt that was going to envelope me when I awoke.  And I didn't disappoint because when I finally closed my eyes, I woke up feeling like I was hit by a car.

On one hand, I like feeling like my arms are burning and like I'm a wreck, but o the other hand, I feel like it would be great to just be normal for once.  But the problem is that I don't think I'd feel like myself if I wasn't always in some sort of agony, seemingly always self inflicted.   And it's become somewhat second nature for me to hurt myself; I barely remember doing it last night.  When I woke up in a daze, I thought, "Oh shit, I forgot about my arms!" when I moved and felt the fabric of my shirt chaffing my skin.  And I forgot I had purged until several hours after I got up.  Kind of strange, but maybe since half of my cutting was done when I was listening to music in my bed in the dark, it was almost like I was half asleep.  And tonight I'm not sleeping because I have an exam in just over 12 hours soooo lots of studying to do.  I'm going to get a whole bunch of sugar free redbull and maybe some form of sugary, fat free candy to keep me going all night long.  

Joy...another all nighter.