Week One

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted, and I can attribute the reason for that to be the enormous schoolwork that has been swamping me already...and yes, I've only had one week of classes.  This is going to be a long quarter, but I graduate after it.

I have to say, though, that I prefer to be ridiculously busy because it keeps my mind on other things and helps me not to eat.  I know that's terrible, but I actually forget to eat when I have so much to do.  And when I'm running from one place to another, I just continuously fill myself up with coffee for energy or a red bull.  I refuse to eat when I'm on the go, and I refuse to consume a meal quickly so if I have a time limit then I just don't eat.

Unfortunately I binged and purged yesterday and put some fresh marks on my left arm; that's what I did instead of going out on a Saturday night.  I've been feeling kind of down lately with regards to my personal life.  I'm eager to graduate, and I'm proud that I'm doing so early.  But when I think about my "friends" and (non existent) love life, I feel depressed.  I can't open up to people, hence I can't really have good friends.  I just wonder sometimes if maybe I do have a purpose in this world and what it could be.  Sometimes I imagine myself doing great things because, let's be honest, life can change dramatically in no time...wish I had a crystal ball.

Confused

I've been really confused about things lately.  On one hand, I'm happy because there isn't too much drama going on in my life...although there never is since I just bring problems upon myself, but on the other hand, I feel as though I want to be as miserable as possible because that's how I'm most comfortable.  I think once you're used to a certain feeling, you just don't feel right when it's not there, and for me, a depression of sorts is part of who I am and without it, I'm lost.  Yet, at the same time, the dark thoughts and endless brooding terrifies me because I worry that eventually I'll snap and *poof* I'm dead.  Most of the time I don't care, but then there's times when I watch people around me and wish I could feel like them...but I don't know how that would be or what exactly I'm missing.  I just know I'm missing something.  I'm too confused to write and lacking all inspiration so I'll update better later.

Hurt

It's been killing me lately to watch my little brother.  He's in high school and going through all the typical drama of cliques, dumb friends, petty fights, the works, and I hate seeing him so upset all the time.  I stayed home or New Years and watched movies with him, which was relaxing, but I could tell he was disappointed that his plans fell through.  He feels like no one likes him and is never invited to parties, but from my perspective, he has a good group of friends and seems pretty social.  But the problem is that it doesn't matter what I tell him or what the reality is because it's really what's going on in his mind that counts.

I wanted to tell him that people are stupid and selfish, and that's why I don't have any close friends (but he doesn't know that).  People never fail to disappoint me, which is why I just assume plans are going to fall through whenever I make them...it's the only way to never be disappointed.  But expecting failure and assuming friendships are always going to end isn't a philosophy that he should have, so I refrained from stating my true opinion.  Instead, I told him that you never know that people like you because we [people] don't go around telling people that they're fun to be with.  People just don't really give compliments like that; you usually only know when someone really doesn't like you.  I tried to explain that he wasn't uninvited from a party, but people, especially in high school, don't invite each person personally.  It's generally a word of mouth kind of thing, and people tend to assume that you will come even if they don't tell you.  That was my experience because when I frequently wouldn't show up they would ask me why I wasn't there, even if I would have just stood there quietly brooding the whole time...but that's why my mom refers to me as a "window treatment."  I've been reduced to something nice to look at as supposed to actually converse with...lovely.

Anyway, I just wish he didn't have to go through these things.  I used to, and it hardened me into a jaded, antisocial, acquaintance only individual, which is probably not the way to go through life.  I want him to stay happy, carefree, and most importantly, the little brother I know.  I've already lost my innocence; does he have to, too?

Skiing!

I just went skiing for two days with my family, and it was amazing.  We went to Pennsylvania, which is no Vail, but skiing in Colorado is expensive so I'll take what I can get.  I have to say, though, I was really bummed that there weren't any glades (tree skiing for those of you who don't know) that were worthwhile because there just wasn't enough snow on the ground between the trees.  Glades and moguls are my favorite ski runs, but unless you're out West, you can't really get them.  So we only skied one glade, where I found myself seemingly skiing on dirt and twigs more than anything else, which isn't good for your skis nor is it that thrilling when you're watching out for abrupt rocks or logs than anything else.  And the other downside of skiing in Pennsylvania is that none of the runs are actually challenging.  I'm not an expert, but I've been skiing since I was little so I can pretty much ski anything in Colorado, making the blacks and double blacks at the place we went to way too easy.

Despite that, though, my skis rammed into a mogul because they were rentals, had very dull edges, and have not been waxed in way too long, so I couldn't turn fast enough, and I ended up slamming onto my arm in heap of snow/ice.  It's sad because I never fall, but then again, I usually use my own equipment, which surprisingly makes a huge difference when you're skiing.  So now I have to get dressed with one arm because my left one is feeling very unpleasant.  It's not broken or dislocated because I think I would know if it were, but skiing the rest of the day was a little rough because every time I used my left arm to pole or turn (so very often), it felt like it was about to be ripped off.  Oh well...skiing was still a blast even if I just complained for two paragraphs.

Tomorrow I'm planning on posting to question you all about New Years plans.  I have a few friends who want me to go out with them, but the problem is that 1) we don't have actual plans and 2) I really really really don't like huge crowds.  And the possibility (or rather, guarantee) that I will be packed like a sardine in a busy bar and left to be groped by creepy men does not really appeal to me...I've never been partial to New Years because it feels like I could go out and do the same things on a different weekend where there won't be so many people, I won't be rolling my eyes when people countdown to midnight, and I won't see a million dresses that I know girls bought only for one night from Forever21.  No offense if you do all that, but it's just not my kind of thing...just a matter of personal preferences, you know?  Anyway, what are your plans?  I need ideas or excuses to get out of it.

wow.

my parents really know how to piss me off.  i was just downstairs measuring out two tablespoons of chocolate chips, and my mom says, "wow, you really are addicted to sweets."  excuse me?!

this is coming from the woman who had two of the cookies i baked earlier at lunch and then three cookies later (at one time).  now, i'm not one to judge because i could totally eat an entire batch of cookies, so you won't hear me say anything about someone's food choices most of the time.  but when she said that as though i'm addicted to something truly evil and after my dad just grabbed a handful...i don't know.  why can't my parents just be nurturing for once and stop being so damn critical?

and then she wonders why i don't understand when anyone calls me beautiful?  how dare she get mad when i feel ugly when it seems like they only put on more pressure?  fucking hypocrites.

(sorry i'm being bitchy again...i'm just really irritated by the people who are supposed to love me)

merry christmas i guess

my day was okay (other than me being a pig, of course), and i got a lot of cool gifts.  my favorite was the tote that my mom picked out for me; it's from fossil and has birds on it.

but all of the christmas joy was just sapped out of me about five minutes ago when my dad essentially called me fat.  i asked if there were chocolate chips left, as he reached for a handful, and he said that there were but that they're fattening.  so i commented that he was eating them, and he informed me that that was because he was skinny.

so i left and am in my room now.  if nothing else gives me motivation then surely one of my parents indirectly hinting that i'm a cow should.

merry fucking christmas.

Magic Pounds

You know that feeling when you've been the same size or same weight for a while and the fantastic high you had from losing weight turns into a sudden depression from not losing more weight?  Yeah, I have that.  My mind just can't wrap around the possibility that I'm the same size.  To me, it's like if I haven't lost weight then I must have gained it.  Because it's just not physically possible to not move either way.  Despite the fact that all of my clothes still fit, I swear I've turned into a whale.

I even went shopping with my mom today, who insisted that I try on some dresses since I don't have many.  I'm a sucker for Calvin Klein, and the clothes usually work for me (especially the sweater dresses) so I tried on piles of dresses...none really fit.  There was a sweater dress that was adorable with these long sleeves and cozy feel, but I didn't buy it.  And there was an adorable red dress that flared out a little bit at the hips and had some cool pleating, but it had one major problem:  it was sleeveless.  And while my mom just thinks I'm self conscious of my arms (which I am), I know that I can't buy a dress like that unless I always wear a blazer or sweater because of some sketchy, um, marks that litter my arms.  All of the other dresses were a bust because of the major problem with my body...aka my ass.  Sure, a bubble butt can be nice and an hourglass figure is great and everything, but I swear that no clothes are actually made for it.  Clothes that fit my butt are huge everywhere else.  I tried on a size 4 dress, and it was actually too big except for (can you guess?)..my ass.  It's just so frustrating because no matter what I put on could be dubbed too sexy because of how it curves around my rear end, and it severely cuts down on my selection of apparel.  Hence why I don't own many dresses or any skirts, for that matter.

So I would like to ask designers why the hourglass figure is supposedly the "ideal" shape when they don't actually make clothes for it?  Because my bubble butt, little waist, and D cups don't fit into anything.  Nothing is made with those proportions.  If anyone knows of a brand that has dresses or skirts that cater well to such a thing, please don't hesitate to let me know.