I work tomorrow, have to wear short sleeves, and just don't really care anymore. Here's the thing: I work with two other people, few customers will probably come on a Saturday morning, and who's going to ask awkward questions anyway? Maybe no one will even notice, and I will have been worrying over nothing. The sleeves will cover most of my problems, but the scars start on my forearms. Then again, who notices people's arms? We'll see. The whole freezing temperature thing still bothers me though...I get that I work inside but the doors are always opening, blasting me with cold air repeatedly. Has my boss not looked outside recently? Snow and ice everywhere.
Moving on. I think I did okay on my exam last night, but I won't know for sure until grades are posted and I can see the average. With chemistry, it's really just important to be above the average, so if average is 50 percent then it's okay if you failed. A 60 percent would be considered pretty good in that case. I studied so much, and I just hope it paid off. I have a lot more studying to do tomorrow, which should distract me from food as usual. I was so thrilled that I kept blacking out upon standing in lab today...I know that seems odd, but it gives me a sick satisfaction...that and my constant (actually somewhat painful) growling stomach. I like that it's so empty. I was so hungry that I couldn't even fathom eating so I had some soup around 6pm finally. But then I binged on fat free ice cream, bringing my total to about 1500 calories for the day...and then I purged. Rationally, I think I should be okay, and if I do well tomorrow then I shouldn't be set back too much. I could tell my body was beginning to shut down a little on me from lack of nutrients because I couldn't focus on anything. I'm frequently "fuzzy".
I'm going out Saturday night, I think, so hopefully I look decent and the new concealer and mascara I bought help with that. I love my eyes because they're green, large, and complete with very long eyelashes, but they're plagued by really, really dark under eye circles that I have thanks to genetics and amplified by terrible sleeping habits. My roommate tells me to stop looking dead, but I can't help it! I guess I kind of look like the zombie form of someone who used to look pretty once upon a time...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Random thoughts
Fortunately, I'm not screwed yet, but I will be on Saturday. The problem I have is that I focus on my upper arms and forearms; I thought that was best initially because then I could wear 3/4 length sleeves and be okay(ish). Who would have thought you'd be forced to wear short sleeves? I mean, seriously...so despite your good advice, bracelets and arm warmers won't help me...but thanks anyway! My best bet is to hope that I don't get in trouble for wearing the long sleeves regardless. We shall see.
I have a huge exam on Thursday that I'm nervous about, so I probably won't be posting again until after it's over. I've had so much shit going on and so much homework, which is why my posts have been slacking and rather sporadic. But the good thing is that while I've been busy, I've been forgetting to eat. I almost never eat until after 2pm at the earliest, and tomorrow I probably won't eat until almost 6pm. My appetite has been severely cut down, so obviously I've been losing weight, too. I think being busy is good for me because I don't focus on food all the time; instead I'm constantly thinking about studying and my next cup of (black) coffee. I'm hoping that by the end of the quarter I will have dropped another 15 pounds, but since I refuse to step on a scale, I really won't know for sure. I just want my clothes to be too big!
Anyway, I have class at 7:30am tomorrow, and I'm hoping there will be a snow day. We're supposed to get an ice storm tonight, so the first thing I'm going to do is check my email when I wake up. How glorious would that be if I could roll over and go back to sleep? It's be fucking phenomenal...pardon my language but I do love that phrase...alliteration or something...
I have a huge exam on Thursday that I'm nervous about, so I probably won't be posting again until after it's over. I've had so much shit going on and so much homework, which is why my posts have been slacking and rather sporadic. But the good thing is that while I've been busy, I've been forgetting to eat. I almost never eat until after 2pm at the earliest, and tomorrow I probably won't eat until almost 6pm. My appetite has been severely cut down, so obviously I've been losing weight, too. I think being busy is good for me because I don't focus on food all the time; instead I'm constantly thinking about studying and my next cup of (black) coffee. I'm hoping that by the end of the quarter I will have dropped another 15 pounds, but since I refuse to step on a scale, I really won't know for sure. I just want my clothes to be too big!
Anyway, I have class at 7:30am tomorrow, and I'm hoping there will be a snow day. We're supposed to get an ice storm tonight, so the first thing I'm going to do is check my email when I wake up. How glorious would that be if I could roll over and go back to sleep? It's be fucking phenomenal...pardon my language but I do love that phrase...alliteration or something...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Screwed
Okay, I just received an email from my boss that says we all have to wear this short sleeved shirt at work without long sleeves underneath or a sweatshirt over it. So...I'm in deep shit.
I understand the whole no sweatshirt thing because it covers up the shirt, but no long sleeves underneath? It gets cold in the cafes, and I really don't think it's fair for them to make a policy like that. But my problem is that I wear long sleeves for a reason, and now I don't know what to do. Fortunately, I don't work until Tuesday and don't normally see my bosses that day of the week so hopefully I can figure something out in the meantime. Will foundation help?
I'm so screwed.
I understand the whole no sweatshirt thing because it covers up the shirt, but no long sleeves underneath? It gets cold in the cafes, and I really don't think it's fair for them to make a policy like that. But my problem is that I wear long sleeves for a reason, and now I don't know what to do. Fortunately, I don't work until Tuesday and don't normally see my bosses that day of the week so hopefully I can figure something out in the meantime. Will foundation help?
I'm so screwed.
Monday, January 24, 2011
...
Well, I'm sitting in my room delaying homework that's due tomorrow, knowing I'll feel like hell if I don't go to bed (and getting a sick satisfaction as a result of my impending day of misery), and I can't stop all of the thoughts plaguing my mind. My roommate earlier joked with a friend that her life is a tragedy, even though she is with friends all the time, has a plan after graduation, is beautiful and skinny and eats what she wants, and has had at least two serious boyfriends. I, however, have no friends to confide in and rarely hang out with people anyway, have no idea what to do after graduating, am fat and hideous especially compared to her, and have never had so much as a casual fling (not including drunken one night stands). So if her life is a tragedy, then what the fuck is mine?
The only person that I could claim to "confide in" is my mom, but I don't tell her most things. The problem is that my mom loves the child she thinks she has. According to her, we are very alike, I am extremely cheerful, and am emotional. Uh, what? First of all, we are not alike, and even my brother will attest to that. Secondly, I am not cheerful; I pretend to be. And third, well, I don't even know how to respond to that. I try so hard not to be emotional, and I know that my emotions do wreak havoc on my life. But I think that I contain them well. I can only hope that she says I'm emotional because I'm self conscious and had a panic attack over my birthday weekend this summer...Another reason my mom and I aren't alike: she has a flare for dramatics. She worries about everything, has an irish temper, and assumes the worst or the best (depending on the situation) about everything. This summer, for example, she threatened to throw me in a mental hospital for the rest of my life to waste away all because of one weekend. Good god, woman. So clearly, I will always have a wall between us or else I will be destined for the psych ward unless my dad steps in. But you know dads; they like not to get involved.
Anyway, I can never joke about my life being a tragedy because, really, it kind of is. But it's all my own doing so I can't even bring myself to want pity, though I do feel sorry for my pathetic excuse of a human being. Life sucks; that's a fact.
The only person that I could claim to "confide in" is my mom, but I don't tell her most things. The problem is that my mom loves the child she thinks she has. According to her, we are very alike, I am extremely cheerful, and am emotional. Uh, what? First of all, we are not alike, and even my brother will attest to that. Secondly, I am not cheerful; I pretend to be. And third, well, I don't even know how to respond to that. I try so hard not to be emotional, and I know that my emotions do wreak havoc on my life. But I think that I contain them well. I can only hope that she says I'm emotional because I'm self conscious and had a panic attack over my birthday weekend this summer...Another reason my mom and I aren't alike: she has a flare for dramatics. She worries about everything, has an irish temper, and assumes the worst or the best (depending on the situation) about everything. This summer, for example, she threatened to throw me in a mental hospital for the rest of my life to waste away all because of one weekend. Good god, woman. So clearly, I will always have a wall between us or else I will be destined for the psych ward unless my dad steps in. But you know dads; they like not to get involved.
Anyway, I can never joke about my life being a tragedy because, really, it kind of is. But it's all my own doing so I can't even bring myself to want pity, though I do feel sorry for my pathetic excuse of a human being. Life sucks; that's a fact.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Smokers
This is random, but I felt the need to express my strange attraction to potheads. I was watching Dazed and Confused earlier, and, even though he's really not that attractive if you look at him, Slader (or however you spell it) captivates me. I swear, every time he appears on screen I am mesmerized; he says the funniest things. The same thing happens in Pineapple Express, but let's be honest, James Franco is hot sooo I don't know if it's just that he's a pothead in that movie. But there's something about him running around with messy (but still sexy) hair and pajamas and making really deep and pointless observations. Perhaps the latter is the reason for my fetish.
I think that smokers tend to seem like really laid back and happy people, content to just sit, smoke, and think. I've only done so on a few occasions, but I just love being around the whole scene because of how relaxed it is. It seems like their stress just fades away and suddenly the little things in life are just so fascinating. And I find myself jealous because, while I brood most of the day, my thoughts are much darker, less peaceful, and certainly not funny if expressed aloud. If my thoughts were put into a movie, it would be put on Lifetimes and people would only watch and say, "Wow, that's fucked up," because they had nothing else to do and there was nothing better on TV. I suppose that's why thoughts are thoughts; I've always figured that what goes on in my mind isn't meant to be known...otherwise it would have come from my mouth instead, right? I find that I censor most of what I say or else mumble incoherently...that would be problematic for my boring Lifetime movie. They would need subtitles just to translate my lack of annunciation. Granted, half of the time when I'm talking it's more to myself than for someone else's benefit, and there's really no point in speaking clearly when you already know in your head what your saying...
Wow, I've changed topics drastically. I have other things to complain about, like how overly happy people irritate me...hell, happy people in general tend to irritate me (or at least confuse me). The whole concept of always smiling and being cheerful boggles my mind a bit. But I will leave that discussion for another day and try to reiterate my love for potheads. They are fantastic people. So if you smoke, I already like you. I wish I could have a little circle of friends like in That 70's Show...what I'd give for that.
I think that smokers tend to seem like really laid back and happy people, content to just sit, smoke, and think. I've only done so on a few occasions, but I just love being around the whole scene because of how relaxed it is. It seems like their stress just fades away and suddenly the little things in life are just so fascinating. And I find myself jealous because, while I brood most of the day, my thoughts are much darker, less peaceful, and certainly not funny if expressed aloud. If my thoughts were put into a movie, it would be put on Lifetimes and people would only watch and say, "Wow, that's fucked up," because they had nothing else to do and there was nothing better on TV. I suppose that's why thoughts are thoughts; I've always figured that what goes on in my mind isn't meant to be known...otherwise it would have come from my mouth instead, right? I find that I censor most of what I say or else mumble incoherently...that would be problematic for my boring Lifetime movie. They would need subtitles just to translate my lack of annunciation. Granted, half of the time when I'm talking it's more to myself than for someone else's benefit, and there's really no point in speaking clearly when you already know in your head what your saying...
Wow, I've changed topics drastically. I have other things to complain about, like how overly happy people irritate me...hell, happy people in general tend to irritate me (or at least confuse me). The whole concept of always smiling and being cheerful boggles my mind a bit. But I will leave that discussion for another day and try to reiterate my love for potheads. They are fantastic people. So if you smoke, I already like you. I wish I could have a little circle of friends like in That 70's Show...what I'd give for that.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Dreams
It feels like forever since I last posted...school is keeping me busy. I wish I had exciting things to update you on, but honestly, my life has just been more of the same. But I'm glad that I'm finishing up my last quarter at school, and even though it's my hardest one yet, I haven't been feeling overwhelmed. I think being busy is good for me because when I'm allowed to think too much bad things happen.
But I did want to tell you about my dream that I had this morning. I took a nap after an early exam, and experience has shown me that naps always cater to the strangest dreams of all. I'm not even sure if you can call this a dream or if it was more that I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I laid in bed and felt, literally, my body floating away from me. I could have sworn I was levitating at one point...ridiculous, I know, but it's how I felt. I couldn't feel any parts of my body at all except for a large weight just pressing down on me, and I couldn't move even when I tried to move my mouth. I almost felt like I wanted to scream, and when I was finally able to force my eyes open reality hit me and the weight was gone. Normally, I wouldn't be so shocked by this and it's happened to me before (except that time I swore when I opened my eyes there was a white person standing next to my bed...creepy ghost or something), but this happened three or four times this morning. At one point I wanted to just let things go and see what happened because my brain was still functioning, but the feelings got too intense after a while and I panicked. I actually almost screamed when I "woke up" (or whatever you would call it), but instead I just kind of whimpered.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this strange occurrence, but I'm going to just add it to my list of strange dreams. I don't really dream anyway; I just have nightmares. But has this kind of thing happened to any of you before? I'm not dumb enough to think I'm the only one to have strange things like this happen, but I can't help but wonder what causes the body to behave so strangely...maybe I'm haunted...or just a little fucked up...or both haha.
But I did want to tell you about my dream that I had this morning. I took a nap after an early exam, and experience has shown me that naps always cater to the strangest dreams of all. I'm not even sure if you can call this a dream or if it was more that I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I laid in bed and felt, literally, my body floating away from me. I could have sworn I was levitating at one point...ridiculous, I know, but it's how I felt. I couldn't feel any parts of my body at all except for a large weight just pressing down on me, and I couldn't move even when I tried to move my mouth. I almost felt like I wanted to scream, and when I was finally able to force my eyes open reality hit me and the weight was gone. Normally, I wouldn't be so shocked by this and it's happened to me before (except that time I swore when I opened my eyes there was a white person standing next to my bed...creepy ghost or something), but this happened three or four times this morning. At one point I wanted to just let things go and see what happened because my brain was still functioning, but the feelings got too intense after a while and I panicked. I actually almost screamed when I "woke up" (or whatever you would call it), but instead I just kind of whimpered.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this strange occurrence, but I'm going to just add it to my list of strange dreams. I don't really dream anyway; I just have nightmares. But has this kind of thing happened to any of you before? I'm not dumb enough to think I'm the only one to have strange things like this happen, but I can't help but wonder what causes the body to behave so strangely...maybe I'm haunted...or just a little fucked up...or both haha.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Week One
Wow, it's been a while since I last posted, and I can attribute the reason for that to be the enormous schoolwork that has been swamping me already...and yes, I've only had one week of classes. This is going to be a long quarter, but I graduate after it.
I have to say, though, that I prefer to be ridiculously busy because it keeps my mind on other things and helps me not to eat. I know that's terrible, but I actually forget to eat when I have so much to do. And when I'm running from one place to another, I just continuously fill myself up with coffee for energy or a red bull. I refuse to eat when I'm on the go, and I refuse to consume a meal quickly so if I have a time limit then I just don't eat.
Unfortunately I binged and purged yesterday and put some fresh marks on my left arm; that's what I did instead of going out on a Saturday night. I've been feeling kind of down lately with regards to my personal life. I'm eager to graduate, and I'm proud that I'm doing so early. But when I think about my "friends" and (non existent) love life, I feel depressed. I can't open up to people, hence I can't really have good friends. I just wonder sometimes if maybe I do have a purpose in this world and what it could be. Sometimes I imagine myself doing great things because, let's be honest, life can change dramatically in no time...wish I had a crystal ball.
I have to say, though, that I prefer to be ridiculously busy because it keeps my mind on other things and helps me not to eat. I know that's terrible, but I actually forget to eat when I have so much to do. And when I'm running from one place to another, I just continuously fill myself up with coffee for energy or a red bull. I refuse to eat when I'm on the go, and I refuse to consume a meal quickly so if I have a time limit then I just don't eat.
Unfortunately I binged and purged yesterday and put some fresh marks on my left arm; that's what I did instead of going out on a Saturday night. I've been feeling kind of down lately with regards to my personal life. I'm eager to graduate, and I'm proud that I'm doing so early. But when I think about my "friends" and (non existent) love life, I feel depressed. I can't open up to people, hence I can't really have good friends. I just wonder sometimes if maybe I do have a purpose in this world and what it could be. Sometimes I imagine myself doing great things because, let's be honest, life can change dramatically in no time...wish I had a crystal ball.
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