Tis the Season

Merry Christmas.  I find this to be one of the most anticlimactic days of the year.  It's the day that I realize that all the cheer and all the joy that people pretended to have for the past month will be gone in mere hours.  I love Christmas(time), but the actual day itself is borderline depressing.  I admit that I find that many things in life have that quality, but that's for another day's musings.

Christmas is a beautiful time of year.  People pretend to be happy, gathering together and laughing while consuming large quantities of alcohol, buying gifts for people they don't truly care for, and consuming foods that will cause them to gain at least 10 pounds under the protection of the "It's the Holidays" excuse.  Yes, it's a beautiful time of year.  We will all pretend to be happy while secretly feeling guilty and drowning our sorrows with gifts and lights.

I think one of the reasons I love Christmas lights is that, at least for a little while, I have something that will brighten my life.  It's unfortunate that eventually the strands come down and the lights go out and reality comes crashing back in as the darkness once again envelops my visions.  

But for now, I'm going to enjoy my day of dreaming and my final hours of pretending.  For tomorrow the lights will be just a bit dimmer and reality will be that much closer.

Another year comes and another year goes; round and round is how our lives go.

Selfishly Wishing For A Friend

Being a bridesmaid is hell.  I hear it all the time in movies, on tv, and from people I've met. You have to pay lots of money to buy a dress that you'll never wear again or have your hair and makeup done in a way that looks hideous but makes the bride feel better about herself.  It's not always like that, of course, but it seems to be so more often than not.  I bring this up not because I'm going to be a bridesmaid but on the contrary.  I'm nearing the age when friends people I know are beginning to consider their weddings or future engagements.  And when I think about it, I realize that there is not a single person who would choose me as one of their closest friends to be in their wedding.  And as selfish a thought as it is, I can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't be a decent friend.

Perhaps I close myself off too much.  I've heard that close bonds form when two people are open to each other, but I'm a one way street.  I listen, I give advice, but I can't ask for it in return or offer my own feelings.  Similarly, I let my relationships slip through my fingers.  I don't keep in touch, I act elusive, and I can't form any lasting bonds.  Friends that I used to have made new ones, and I was lost in time.  They like to see me, but I'm like a distant memory.  It hurts every once in a while, but I have no one to blame but myself.  Few, if any, have ever made it through my walls, and they don't like to stay within them.  Maybe people just don't think I value friendships when I don't contact them or seem to care when lapses of time have passed without conversing; I often wonder whether I am simply incapable of it.  Are there people in the world, like me, who just can't form sincere friendships?  Am I just too much of a flake to be considered a treasured companion?  I offer light entertainment briefly before I once again disappear into the wind.  Who wants a friend who comes and goes like the rain?

I'm not reliable, I'm never constant, and I'm always running.  Even now I'm looking into graduate programs across the country, and I can tell you that I will move without regret or turning back.  I won't miss people, just like I won't value the new ones that I meet.  Life is always changing and I never seem to stop moving.  I may never be a bridesmaid, and I'm okay with that.  But I don't think I'd even make the guest list.  I can assure you that I'm really not talking about weddings.  Or rather, I am, but that's not the point.  I selfishly wish for a friend who would call me just to hear my voice.  And here I sit, alone in my dark room, knowing that I could change but seemingly lost upon how to do it.

We were born into this world as single beings, and perhaps for some of us, that is how we were meant to stay.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

I finally put up Christmas decorations today, and now my house feels infinitely more festive.  I wish I could enjoy the holiday season a bit more, but as it is, I'm a little overly stressed at the moment. Work has been obnoxiously busy, and I'm applying to graduate school with the full knowledge that my grades are pathetically below desirable.  There are too many things going on for me, and I'm struggling a bit to cope with all of it.  This is one of those times that I wish I had a friend.

Working with girls my age is great because they're a lot of fun, but I don't like for fellow employees to know personal things about me, even if they're more like friends.  I like to go to work, pretend as though my life is perfect, and act cheerfully.  Sometimes it feels like I'm living a lie, but I'd rather do that than see pitying, knowing eyes staring at me like they did back in high school when you can only hide your problems for so long.  Still, there's certainly times I wish that I had someone to confide in about things - nothing deep or particularly serious (I only have one friend for that, if she asks when I'm drunk) but just anything to get of my chest.  I had my first ever boyfriend, I guess you could call him, last summer.  It was only a month, and we both mutually (thank god) decided it just wasn't really working.  I never told the girls at work; they think I still have never had one.  I can never mention it to them for certain reasons, but on top of that, they also completely and utterly lack the ability to keep secrets.  I, however, do keep them.  One woman told me something she didn't want the others to know, and when I didn't say anything and they found out I had known the whole time, they wanted to know why I didn't tell them.  I suppose I just feel that when someone tells me a story, it's theirs to tell and not mine to share.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.  Mine was great except for the fact that I definitely gained 5 lbs and purged every day I was there.  Doing so in a relative's house with people around all the time is awful, and I recommend not doing it...ever.  I've totally done it at my grandparents, too, but moving on.  I much prefer my private, hidden away bathroom at home.  My own personal haven for my twisted mind.  Now I'm going to burn off the pita chips I consumed today.  Whoops :(

The melody is in my head

I'm in love with misery, I'm a fan of diamond rings.
Cut me with that shiny thing, tie me down and watch me bleed.
I can liven your wildest dreams, feed your darkest fantasy.
I am here, I'm on my knees, begging for some release.

Cause I am falling in too deep, drowning myself endlessly,
searching for a gentle stream to guide me to a better dream.
And every night in my sleep, I'm waking up to my own screams,
tossing, turning relentlessly, and tearing my last shred of sanity.

The sun has set long ago; the stars are gone, they've gone back home.
I'm screaming everything I know to realize I'm all alone.

But there is a face that haunts my days.
Seeing bloodshot eyes, gazing back at me.
And I cannot sleep, it's frightening me.
I'm wrestling with phantoms in my dreams.

I'm standing here, in a room all alone,
surrounded by mirrors on each and every wall.
I'm searching for the exit, but I can't find the door.
Can't handle my reflection anymore.

And I need you now to comfort me somehow,
whisper soothing words and hold me through the night.
Cause I'm seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye,
and I feel a shiver run down my spine.

And though I'm in love with tragedy, and I'm a fan of wicked things,
it's a flaw in my personality, please someone explain it to me.
I'll sign my name on the dotted line if you really think I've lost my mind.
But before you throw me in a padded room, remember it was you who gave up so soon.

Crossroads

I received a distressing text from a friend of mine today, a girl with whom I spill my heart but have never met.  It's funny sometimes how we can connect better with people that aren't within physical reach. Perhaps it's the physical boundaries that make things easier to say...we can write our emotions without seeing the judgment on the other's face and without needing to answer the difficult questions that we'd rather shrug off and cast aside.  But the problem is that when the nights are lonely and we sit in the dark, it's the friends that are physically around us that we need. The ones that we don't have.  And yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My point, however, was that she informed me that she wanted to kill herself last night.  Words cannot describe how relieved I am that she was able to text me today; she is the one person who I've come to rely on and the only one I can count on to give me strength when I feel alone, though miles away.  It's times like these when I sit and really think about what my life has become because I can sit in my room in the dark, staring at a razor, telling someone not to do it while fantasizing about my own demise.  I know that I am a hypocrite; we all are.  But I don't think that matters.  The fact is that we all face difficult times at different times, and it's up to us to try to help one another when we need it.  Maybe we just need a little guidance.  And as I told her:  When the days are dark, we just need someone to shine a little light.  Because while those bright days are few and far between, they're the ones we need to remember and the ones that make life worth living.

I myself find myself in a confusing predicament.  So often I think about dying, picturing myself driving into a semi on a highway, eyeing a bottle of sleeping pills, or pondering the outcome of pouring nail polish remover down my throat.  None of those sound particularly appealing, but at the same time, I am a curious being.  But I think of how permanent such an action would be, and I can't decide if it's what I truly want.  I think a part of me still holds onto that small sliver of hope that this isn't all that life is about; it will be different one day.  And so, I stand here on a beaten path at a fork in the road:  one leads to death and the other leads to life; and they both look about the same.  Do I want to die or do I just not want to live?  Or is it the other way around?  

For now, I will just continue on with my life until I figure it out.

Hello

I have a lot of things to say, but no will to type them at the moment.  So instead, I'll post the little blurb I just wrote, and I hope you enjoy it until tomorrow when I write something else.

Paralyzed, I've lost my way, frightened by the future.

My fear, it grips me and holds me hostage with my hands bound behind me.

I'm chained to a wall in a basement alone, stuck without a key.

Never mind that I'm a captive because the kidnapper was me.

I can hear the sound of a river nearby, flowing ever softly.

The birds are chirping and I know it must be spring all over again

A year has come and gone, nothing has changed; I'm still insane.

So here I hide, fenced in by cement, finding comfort in my pain.

I've heard it said that this is the prime of my life.

If that's true, I don't want to know what's next.

This is what dreams were made for, and this is why the stars are shining

because we all need a little hope to make it through the night.

I'm waiting for my wishes to come true, but my sky is black;

I only hope the stars are still out there for you.

Breathless, I blink the tears away, mixing with the rain.

The clouds are crying with me, the world's heart is breaking in pieces.

People are rushing by me but all I see are nameless, blurry faces,

blending together like a painter's palette, colors lost in traces.

Wise words told me that I'll wish for youth sometime

but that doesn't help when now I wish I was dead.

This is what dreams were made for, and this is why the stars are shining

because we all need a little hope to make it through the night.

I'm waiting for my wishes to come true, but my sky is black;

I only hope the stars are still out there for you.

One day I'll escape the city to find my own beacon,

because these ones aren't working for me.

Maybe I'll fly to Alaska just to see the northern lights, 

so they can work their magic and ignite my life.

And if you hope enough and if you don't give up,

when I fall in endless sleep, I'll ask for a shooting star to bring luck to you.

Swimming in Air

I can't believe I haven't updated in such a long time, and I apologize to anyone who actually cares.  Not a lot has happened in my life that I really can tell you; it's just the same things day after day.  I did take a different daily vitamin than I usually do this morning, on an empty stomach like always, and I must say, I wouldn't recommend it unless you want to start off your day throwing up.  Fortunately, my stomach barely managed to remain where it was, which I was grateful for given that I was en route to work.  That would be an awkward moment in the car...if I'm home, however, then I will probably purposely take it to see if it actually works destroys my stomach.  I've also heard taking a shot of straight cinnamon does the same thing.  I'll test it for you this weekend and let you know.

Throughout my day, though, I couldn't help but notice that I felt like I was walking through water or swimming in air.  Perhaps that's because of my confusion between reality and dreams, but sometimes the days just don't seem real.  Or my head was just too fuzzy. Regardless, it's an odd feeling that I seem to experience every day, and I'm idly wondering when I'll finally wake up. Or do I even want to?  I'm torn between believing life is a brutal existence and utterly pointless and believing life should be valued and enjoyed for its shortness.

What is easier: accepting misery or wishing for something you'll never have?

And here today I was calling someone a Debby Downer at work...he claimed he was just being realistic (which is always what I say after someone accuses me of being a pessimist). I'm such a damn hypocrite.  At least I know it, I suppose.