Hurt

Yesterday, while I was sitting on the couch post shower, my roommate told me her friend, who is a guy, was coming over to print something within half an hour.  I acknowledged it and kept watching tv until about ten minutes later when I decided to finally dry my hair before it air dried into an awkward limp mess.  I never let my hair air dry all the way because then it looks ridiculous.  When I went to dry my hair, apparently my roommate was texting her friend and, with me in mind, accidentally sent the message to me by mistake.  This is what it said:  "(My name) was sitting on the couch with wet hair and pjs until i said you were coming over.  Now she's getting ready.  Ha.  She cares too much what she looks like."

Excuse me?  I was so upset, hurt, and even more self conscious than I already am, but what mostly pissed me off was the fact that I was not getting ready but simply drying my hair.  Didn't know that was a crime.  Plus, the guy who was coming over, I'm not interested in in any way.  My roommate and I are from completely different social groups, so her friends...well, they're just not my cup of tea.  So now, I had several options on how to handle the situation, but I didn't want to blow things out of proportion, so I settled on hiding in my room after making the comment, "I was just drying my hair," and huffing quietly.  I heard her say, "Huh?", and then she must have realized her mistake because she sent me an apologetic text.  I didn't want to cause drama, so I told her I wasn't made but just hurt.  And that is the truth because I'm not exactly angry, but words can't describe how upset I was and still am.  I can't get it out of my head, especially since she was going to tell someone else that?  I was relieved that the message didn't make it to her friend, which I told her, but then she said she showed it to him.  What a bitch.

Okay, so maybe I am still pissed...

Summer

I woke up this morning and suddenly felt terrified.  It's sunny and warm outside, and I don't want to go out.  This is primarily because I'm fat and refuse to ever wear shorts or tank tops, which means I will be burning up in the 80 degree weather.  I always  put on a sweater or sweatshirt and wear long pants...I have a tendency to wear lots of layers and clothing that is, by other people's standards, too big for me.  But I don't want to feel so repulsive, and I don't want to be so miserable.  I have silly fantasies of laying by the pool in a bikini, sipping on a diet coke with a straw hat and sunglasses, finally enjoying myself.  It's too bad that will never happen though.

Today is going to be a long day.  I'm torn between what to do with regards to eating, working out, etc.  Obviously, I could just not eat at all, which would be a good plan, but I feel like I lose more weight when I eat something small to keep my metabolism going...but fasting always makes me so proud so we'll see.  It's early afternoon, so I still have several hours before I can "go to bed," which is usually me sitting in the dark in my room, brooding over my failures that day and dreaming of a better tomorrow.  Maybe today I will feel successful instead.  I have also created a little notebook in which I keep all my inspirations and my food diary.  My main purpose for this little journal is to distract me from eating, and I'm actually getting ready to leave my apartment (so I don't eat) and spend hours doing nothing productive just for the sake of staying away from food.  It's kind of sad that I take such great lengths to avoid eating, but temptation is too strong when I'm sitting in a dim room for hours on end.

Attention, I'm seeking you

I think I've always felt unappreciated.  When I'm on the phone with my mom, she always gets distracted and starts talking to someone around her or doesn't listen to what I'm saying.  Most of the time I say something, she gives some response that is completely unrelated, and I've realized it's because she was never listening in the first place.  I know she likes for me to call and gets concerned if I don't, but then why doesn't she show some kind of respect when we're engaged in a conversation?  My little brother will frequently start some tantrum about how everyone hates him or how he has so much homework or how he played terribly in tennis (sometimes even when he wins the match), and that always takes precedence over me.  I have to wait while I hear my mom forget I'm on the line to deal with my brother.  It happens all the time.

And then there's the pressure I always get from my parents to lose weight.  When I go home for a weekend and haven't eaten in a week and reach for a piece of fruit or some yogurt, my mom eyes me and asks, "Aren't you eating dinner?"  Fuck.  I can't say that I didn't have breakfast or lunch, and it will be 3 o'clock, so I'll have to put it down, feeling like a pig because of her question, and wait until dinner at 7 or 8.  I hate getting that look from her that I am a glutton and need more self control.  And I hate that constant reminder of, "Oh, you were thinnest when you were winter swimming."  False.  I was thinnest when I was starving myself in my senior year of high school.  I can't really compare my weights much in high school, though, because I grew 7 inches in 4 years...so gaining a few pounds (obviously) was due to the changing height not weight on my hips.

My goal right now, as terrible as it may be, is to cause serious concern.  I want to lose enough weight that my parents will actually pay attention to me for once.  I've always been told I'm beautiful, no matter my weight, yet they still tell me I should lose weight.  Fine!  I'll lose weight until they tell me I should gain it.  I'm going to fast until I wind up in the hospital because of their stupid antics.  The next time I go home in Memorial weekend when the pool at our country club opens, and I want to be able to flaunt a swimsuit in skin and bones.  That's 25 days away, and 25 pounds is definitely a plausible weight to lose. They want me to lose weight?  So be it.

Sometimes I hate people

There were these three people who came into my cafe today (two girls and a guy), and they were talking about their weights and some girl they know who is overweight.  They were laughing about how she probably has to roll over to get up, and I wanted to kick them out of my coffee shop.  What little fuckers!  I'm sorry, but I was so angry.  How dare they say things like that?  I may not be fat, to be honest, but I'm certainly not skinny so I took great offense to their comments.  It's just not right to say those things aloud or in public.

And I binged yet again today.  I can't do this anymore, and bingeing and purging is not healthy...neither is fasting, but at least then I'm skinnier and probably won't go into cardiac arrest, right?  I'm going to be living alone this summer, so causing a huge imbalance of my electrolytes or causing more heart problems would not be ideal...if I had a heart attack, no one would know.  So my goal right now really needs to be conquering these stupid cravings so I can lose weight, keep it off, and be healthier...ish.

listening to tswift and can't think of a title

I'm still at a loss about what to do with my little bro, but I guess I'll just continue to be there for him and try to understand.  I like to think I'm pretty good with reading people, most likely because I've already gone through and still am going through a lot of emotional issues, and I'm really hoping he's just going through a phase.  I know he's insecure even though I always tell him how funny and adorable he is.  He has the best hair for a guy; it's those shaggy curls that are kind of endearing.  Maybe he's just still trying to adjust to high school and having new friends, and I know he has trouble not taking things personally.  He tends to feel like when people make fun of him it's because they're being mean instead of just joking around.  You'd think he'd understand by now since I make fun of him all the time, but I suppose it's different when it's family.  He was just singing (badly) "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, which is why I'm listening to it now on my computer in my room.  His whole cross country team is obsessed with her, I swear.

Anyway, I realized today that I forgot to tell you something crucial...I got bangs!  I feel like the friend in Legally Blonde whenever I say that, but at least I don't follow up the statement with, "I feel so now," or whatever she says.  I was just kind of bored yesterday when I went for my usual highlight touch up and trim, and I really like the new look.  The bangs make me feel a little less conspicuous and like I can hide behind them.  It's surprising how open and exposed just that little skin above your eyes can make you feel.  Hopefully, now I can blend into the background.  Of course, you have no idea what I look like, and perhaps one day when I figure out how to work my camera I will post a picture.  I mean, I do have facebook and could put one up, but only if enough people actually care.  Otherwise, it's way too much effort.  So the whole "bang" thing probably has no effect on you since you don't have a before and after in mind, but I'm excited regardless.

Tomorrow morning I'm going back to school after a relaxing and fattening weekend.  I hate how whenever I come home I binge...it's no wonder my parents would never suspect there's something wrong with me.  Half the time I end up purging in my bathroom, but our house is rather large, so my parents would never hear it from downstairs (and I have my own bathroom).  I think that when I'm home I feel safe and like I'm not connected with the reality of my situation, but as soon as I'm back at school, it's back to starving.  Perhaps when I'm home everything seems okay and in control, and that's why when I'm on my own and lost, I feel the need to control that one aspect of my life?  I don't know, I'm no psychologist, but it kind of makes sense.  I really shouldn't come home for a little while now to prevent any binges and lose ten pounds, but Mother's Day is next weekend...I'll just have to lose at least five pounds by then to make up for it.

Vanity

Okay so I've been slacking on my posting.  Yesterday I was running on 20 minutes of sleep because I had too much coffee Thursday night and couldn't sleep.  But I have some good news.  First, I saw the boy I've mentioned before on Thursday night and he stayed over.  He was so sweet, and we've still been talking every day.  I like how I've known him for so long, we're both kind of dorks sometimes, and he thinks I'm beautiful (somehow).  I think it's adorable how he blushes around me, especially since he was the typical funny, popular, party guy in high school, yet he melts around me...it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside...such a rare feeling for me.  But I like to keep my love life kind of secret, so that's as far as I'll go into the details.  I guess I feel like it's too good to be true because in the past, whenever I get excited, the relationship fails.  This is a little different since we went to high school together, but still!  The second thing that made my day yesterday was that my mom mentioned that I looked like I lost weight.  It's true because I have, but I guess I don't notice it as much as other people.  I'm hoping to lose a lot more quickly, hopefully another five pounds by next weekend.

One thing that has been bothering me, however, is my little brother.  He's sixteen, and he sometimes gets really moody.  I know that's normal, but I mean, he gets really really upset...about stupid things, too.  Today, he had a party to go to, and my mom and I refused to let him go in athletic shorts and a tshirt.  I mean, let's be honest, if you're going to a party, at least wear jeans or something!  But he claimed that he looked weird in jeans...what the hell?!  Okay, I look weird in jeans in my opinion, despite my mom (as all mothers do) telling me I look gorgeous in anything, but for a guy to say that?  He's tall and lanky, so how could he possibly look funny in them?  And for the record, he doesn't.  So my mom and I made a run to the mall to pick up some plaid shorts for him, since I guess none of his fit anymore, which probably explains his constant athletic short wearing.  Odd that most of his clothes are getting a little too big for him...he still eats a lot, just not as much as he used to, and growing tends to slim guys out a lot.  I was a little jealous when the shorts we got him were too big, though.

But here's the thing that kills me:  part of his insecurity is because of me and I can't do anything about it.  I kind of have this fan club at my high school, even though I graduated in three years ago.  The current seniors were freshman when I was a senior, and they still remember what I look like; plus, I've been to a few of my little brother's sporting events, so even his classmates know now, too.  You would think I would be really stuck up about my looks because of all this dwelling on my physical features, but honestly, I just don't see it.  I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but apparently, my supposed beauty makes my little brother feel inferior.  I'm practically famous amongst the male population at his school, and he just feels as though he can never measure up.  He doesn't know that it's made me very screwed up and have unrealistic expectations for myself, not to mention he's a guy and girls would never make up a little fan club like that.  The fact that I am a girl completely changes everything, and the two of us can't be compared.  But it still makes me feel guilty, and I hate how he feels so self conscious because of me.  I had never thought about it before until he mentioned it in his little tantrum...

How do I make him feel better?

Nightmare

I know this is an early post, but I had to tell you before I forgot.  Also, a quick side note, I am fasting today and tomorrow...I have no reason for it other than that I am fat and weigh the same as I did yesterday, which obviously will not do.

I had a terrifying nightmare last night, and I blame the chocolate covered graham crackers that I ate before going to bed.  Sugar has a tendency to yield messed up dreams.

I dreamt that I was really skinny because of not eating (my goal obviously), and I had a lot of heart problems.  I was starting to get heart attacks or go into cardiac arrest, and the nurse at school (as if I were still in high school) and teachers were watching me to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital.  I passed out a lot, and my chest hurt.  There was a little bump where my heart is and it was so tender to the touch and throbbed.  I keep feeling it now, afraid it will hurt if I touch it still.  But I remember feeling my heart stop, the world fading to black, me inwardly screaming and trying to reopen my eyes...I was rushed to the emergency room and wanted to yell at the doctors to stop shocking me because I could feel the electricity shooting through my body.  It was like an out of body experience within a dream, and it hurt so much.  Most of my dream remains hazy, and it mainly consisted of me walking around, going into shock, and almost dying repeatedly.  It was really strange, and I was truly terrified the whole time.  When I woke up, I was in a state of shock.

Now I'm okay, fasting, and still clearly trying to lose weight.  It's kind of scary how even the version of me in my dream refused to give up her unhealthy dieting when on the verge of death...maybe this is my future.  I know it's bleak, but I'm not happy now so does it even matter?  I look in the mirror and almost cry because I look so heinous.  It's hard trying to live when I look the way I do, and most of the time I struggle to even find the will.  I like to think that once I lose weight, I'll finally be happy, but I know that's just a lie that I tell myself.  Still, it's the only hope I have.