Guess who?

So I was looking through pictures of myself on facebook, finding all my flaws and looking back on a time when I was thinner (but still not thin enough obviously).  I found a picture that I felt perfectly reflects how I feel everyday...like a lone girl lost in a sea of people.  I also was talking to my mom trying not to sound too depressed, and she kept telling me how I'd be happier once I lost 15 pounds...lies.  I pretended like that was true, but honestly, when I was that weight I was just as depressed.  She's probably just forgotten since that was several years ago.  But anyway, today I ate well even though fasting is more ideal.  I had a small apple with a sprinkle of honey, cinnamon, and sugar, and fat free yogurt.  Delicious.  I can't eat much today anyway because my stomach is trying to rip me apart...not sure why.  I decided to take a whole bunch of laxatives to see if maybe that would make me feel better, and since my roommate is gone for the weekend, I can be as unhealthy and pathetic as I want for several days.  Awesome.

Now, feel free to look at the picture below and guess which one is me!  This was when I was a senior in high school, starving myself, and what my mom thinks is a weight that would make me happy.  Of course, I was still depressed at the time this pic was taken, so whatever, mom.  Good luck, ladies  :)

Breaking the cycle

Okay, so I did well over the weekend, and now I'm stuck in my damn cycle of bingeing and purging yet again.  I think that's even worse than starving when it comes to health, too, because I always feel incredibly dehydrated, disoriented, and confused (not to mention a sore throat as well) when I purge.  It's really not good for the body, but it's sooo addicting.  Last night, I actually woke up in the middle of the night just to go to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat for no apparent reason...not a good sign.  Plus, this just brings me to a gradual weight gain as supposed to drastic loss like fasting or restricting, which is what I plan on returning to.  I've been talking to Arii, and we have decided that we both need to lose weight fast.  I mean, that's not shocking since I'm always saying that.  I have yet to get under 145lbs recently, though, and I keep fluctuating right above but just can't seem to mentally break through that barrier for whatever reason.  Technically, I could get into the 130s or even 120s before Memorial weekend, but let's be honest, I probably am not good enough or a worthwhile enough human being to be that successful.  But I'm sure as hell going to try.

So Arii and I are going to eat less than 500 calories tomorrow and burn it off in some sort of cardio workout.  She's focusing on her stomach and thighs, and so will I, but naturally I would also like to lose weight in my arms, face, neck, shoulders, calves, butt, hips...okay, my entire body.  My goal is to look fragile because that's my idea of beauty.  Tomorrow, I will let you know how I do and update you on my plan for the following day.  I think I'm going to be eating a lot of fruit from now on because that's how I best lost and maintained a lower weight in high school when I was actually good at starving myself.  Now, I just go through phases...still haven't had a normal day of eating since last year though.

Wish me luck?!

Thanks

Thanks for your support, ladies, because I've been feeling really down and self conscious after my roommate sent that message.  I wasn't sure if I was inwardly taking it too personally or not, but I'm glad that I'm not just being dramatic or overly sensitive.  I don't consider myself a particularly dramatic person, with the exception of this eating problem, and the only thing I really worry about is my weight.  Unlike my roommate who, if listed in the dictionary, would seriously be synonymous with "dramatic."  It's really quite ridiculous, and I'm glad we are only living together for a few more weeks.  Just gotta stay strong...don't want to make an unnecessary enemy.

Today I binged and purged (ugh), but at least I did well the past few days.  For some reason, Mondays and Wednesdays I always do terribly because I'm sitting around at work, surrounded by food, for nine hours.  If I can stay strong on Wednesday, then that would be phenomenal.  I will at least bring work out clothes with me that time so I can burn all of it off.  Tomorrow, fortunately, I have three 2 hour classes, so I'm going to work out in between them, and hopefully burn off all this fucking food I had today.  I also bought more diet pop, which I live off of.  My mom has also been trying to motivate me to lose 15 pounds, which I plan on doing by Memorial weekend if possible.  Then I can at least lay out in a swimsuit...not walk around in it, of course, though.  I will never be skinny enough for that.

I thought it was interesting how my mom told me on the phone the other day, "I don't understand how you starve yourself," because I hadn't eaten yet and it was 1pm.  I didn't think she ever noticed that, but she doesn't seem to see it as a problem since I'm not incredibly skinny.  I think she won't take me seriously until I have a bmi that suggests I'm underweight, and I'm unfortunately in the healthy range right now.  How depressing.  I'm going to go study now and cram for this exam that I apparently have tomorrow morning at 8am?  Yeah, thought it was Thursday not Tuesday...oops.

Hurt

Yesterday, while I was sitting on the couch post shower, my roommate told me her friend, who is a guy, was coming over to print something within half an hour.  I acknowledged it and kept watching tv until about ten minutes later when I decided to finally dry my hair before it air dried into an awkward limp mess.  I never let my hair air dry all the way because then it looks ridiculous.  When I went to dry my hair, apparently my roommate was texting her friend and, with me in mind, accidentally sent the message to me by mistake.  This is what it said:  "(My name) was sitting on the couch with wet hair and pjs until i said you were coming over.  Now she's getting ready.  Ha.  She cares too much what she looks like."

Excuse me?  I was so upset, hurt, and even more self conscious than I already am, but what mostly pissed me off was the fact that I was not getting ready but simply drying my hair.  Didn't know that was a crime.  Plus, the guy who was coming over, I'm not interested in in any way.  My roommate and I are from completely different social groups, so her friends...well, they're just not my cup of tea.  So now, I had several options on how to handle the situation, but I didn't want to blow things out of proportion, so I settled on hiding in my room after making the comment, "I was just drying my hair," and huffing quietly.  I heard her say, "Huh?", and then she must have realized her mistake because she sent me an apologetic text.  I didn't want to cause drama, so I told her I wasn't made but just hurt.  And that is the truth because I'm not exactly angry, but words can't describe how upset I was and still am.  I can't get it out of my head, especially since she was going to tell someone else that?  I was relieved that the message didn't make it to her friend, which I told her, but then she said she showed it to him.  What a bitch.

Okay, so maybe I am still pissed...

Summer

I woke up this morning and suddenly felt terrified.  It's sunny and warm outside, and I don't want to go out.  This is primarily because I'm fat and refuse to ever wear shorts or tank tops, which means I will be burning up in the 80 degree weather.  I always  put on a sweater or sweatshirt and wear long pants...I have a tendency to wear lots of layers and clothing that is, by other people's standards, too big for me.  But I don't want to feel so repulsive, and I don't want to be so miserable.  I have silly fantasies of laying by the pool in a bikini, sipping on a diet coke with a straw hat and sunglasses, finally enjoying myself.  It's too bad that will never happen though.

Today is going to be a long day.  I'm torn between what to do with regards to eating, working out, etc.  Obviously, I could just not eat at all, which would be a good plan, but I feel like I lose more weight when I eat something small to keep my metabolism going...but fasting always makes me so proud so we'll see.  It's early afternoon, so I still have several hours before I can "go to bed," which is usually me sitting in the dark in my room, brooding over my failures that day and dreaming of a better tomorrow.  Maybe today I will feel successful instead.  I have also created a little notebook in which I keep all my inspirations and my food diary.  My main purpose for this little journal is to distract me from eating, and I'm actually getting ready to leave my apartment (so I don't eat) and spend hours doing nothing productive just for the sake of staying away from food.  It's kind of sad that I take such great lengths to avoid eating, but temptation is too strong when I'm sitting in a dim room for hours on end.

Attention, I'm seeking you

I think I've always felt unappreciated.  When I'm on the phone with my mom, she always gets distracted and starts talking to someone around her or doesn't listen to what I'm saying.  Most of the time I say something, she gives some response that is completely unrelated, and I've realized it's because she was never listening in the first place.  I know she likes for me to call and gets concerned if I don't, but then why doesn't she show some kind of respect when we're engaged in a conversation?  My little brother will frequently start some tantrum about how everyone hates him or how he has so much homework or how he played terribly in tennis (sometimes even when he wins the match), and that always takes precedence over me.  I have to wait while I hear my mom forget I'm on the line to deal with my brother.  It happens all the time.

And then there's the pressure I always get from my parents to lose weight.  When I go home for a weekend and haven't eaten in a week and reach for a piece of fruit or some yogurt, my mom eyes me and asks, "Aren't you eating dinner?"  Fuck.  I can't say that I didn't have breakfast or lunch, and it will be 3 o'clock, so I'll have to put it down, feeling like a pig because of her question, and wait until dinner at 7 or 8.  I hate getting that look from her that I am a glutton and need more self control.  And I hate that constant reminder of, "Oh, you were thinnest when you were winter swimming."  False.  I was thinnest when I was starving myself in my senior year of high school.  I can't really compare my weights much in high school, though, because I grew 7 inches in 4 years...so gaining a few pounds (obviously) was due to the changing height not weight on my hips.

My goal right now, as terrible as it may be, is to cause serious concern.  I want to lose enough weight that my parents will actually pay attention to me for once.  I've always been told I'm beautiful, no matter my weight, yet they still tell me I should lose weight.  Fine!  I'll lose weight until they tell me I should gain it.  I'm going to fast until I wind up in the hospital because of their stupid antics.  The next time I go home in Memorial weekend when the pool at our country club opens, and I want to be able to flaunt a swimsuit in skin and bones.  That's 25 days away, and 25 pounds is definitely a plausible weight to lose. They want me to lose weight?  So be it.

Sometimes I hate people

There were these three people who came into my cafe today (two girls and a guy), and they were talking about their weights and some girl they know who is overweight.  They were laughing about how she probably has to roll over to get up, and I wanted to kick them out of my coffee shop.  What little fuckers!  I'm sorry, but I was so angry.  How dare they say things like that?  I may not be fat, to be honest, but I'm certainly not skinny so I took great offense to their comments.  It's just not right to say those things aloud or in public.

And I binged yet again today.  I can't do this anymore, and bingeing and purging is not healthy...neither is fasting, but at least then I'm skinnier and probably won't go into cardiac arrest, right?  I'm going to be living alone this summer, so causing a huge imbalance of my electrolytes or causing more heart problems would not be ideal...if I had a heart attack, no one would know.  So my goal right now really needs to be conquering these stupid cravings so I can lose weight, keep it off, and be healthier...ish.