Finally!

I FINALLY leave for Chicago tomorrow morning!  I can't wait!

Today was a good day for a variety of reasons.  I got my highlights touched up and my hair trimmed, went to lunch and had minestrone soup along with a million diet cokes, went shopping and bought (black velvet pants, black tights, awesome jewelry, and some red 5 inch heels courtesy of Jessica Simpson), and I fit into my jeans that I bought in high school...glorious.  It's weird that I'm just now realizing that I've lost a lot of weight, and I think never stepping on the scale has helped tremendously.  I only ate about 600 calories today at the most, but I haven't been keeping an exact count lately.  I think I just kind of judge things on quantity and mentally go through what I'm having in my head, and it stops me from constantly thinking about it and making me binge.  I don't know.  It's just strange seeing myself in the mirror sometimes and realizing that I'm finally shrinking.  Sure, I'm a size 6 and would like to be a 0, but at least it's progress!  But I do know that my relatives are going to make comments about my size but whatever.  I technically only went down one size, but it looks like more because I have certain assets that refuse to shrink...aka my ass.  So while my legs get smaller, my butt decides to stay exactly where it is.  I guess it makes me look more proportionate, though, but it makes me self conscious when I have a little bubbly creature following me everywhere.

Anyway, I will be sure to write more tomorrow, but I'm saying this on the assumption that I'll have wireless internet access...not guaranteed.  So if I don't write anything for a few days, then let's hope that I'm properly not eating, losing weight, and having a grand ole time.  K?

And Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Update

Well, last week was incredibly stressful for me.  I actually spent more than 9 hours straight on Thursday night finishing all of my chemistry assignments.  The only break I took all night was to walk to the vending machine to grab another diet coke; I didn't listen to music, get on any social websites, look at my phone, etc...just 9 hours of straight chemistry.  I left the lab at 5:30 in the morning and felt like I was doing the infamous "walk of shame," except that I was up all night doing homework not partying and hooking up with a random guy.  Oh the thrilling life I lead.

I had a huge chemistry assignment to do this weekend that my professor didn't give us until Friday, so I couldn't even procrastinate.  It's due tomorrow...or rather, in several hours, and I'm almost done.  Tomorrow will be a nice day, though, because I'm getting my nails touched up, going to class, and then going home for Thanksgiving.  And Tuesday, I'm getting my highlights touched up as well and long hair trimmed (it needs it badly), and then I'm hoping to get a pair of heeled closed toed shoes because all of my heels are too summery.  And finally, Wednesday?  Off to Chicago!  I'm soooo excited, especially to see my cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and to experience one of our classic family gatherings.  They're so entertaining and stereotypical; our family is like a comedy sometimes, I swear.

I'll be bringing my computer since I have so much homework to do over the break, so I'll make sure to update.

Wow...just, wow

So my day today?  One of the most bizarre ever.

It started out with me waking up feeling nauseous, rolling over and falling back asleep, thus missing my morning class.  As I'm getting ready for work a little while later, I get a text about a bomb threat on campus...in my building.  I wasn't worried about it, but it would happen in my building.  I'm a chemistry major and fully understand that if a student were to construct an explosive then they would have to be in either engineering or chemistry because 1) we could figure out how and 2) our lives suck (let's be honest).  But anyway, classes were cancelled for a while, the buildings were evacuated, and I spent my work shift trying to figure out if all my assignments would still be due the next day because they can only be done in a special computer lab because of the required software.  Luckily, I got off work early, but that wasn't very helpful since the building I needed was still off limits.  But when I got home and checked my email...score!  All three assignments pushed back until Friday (*fist pump*...no,*DOUBLE fist pump*).  To say I was ecstatic would be a severe understatement.

Also, I was able to get a hair appointment to get my highlights touched up before Thanksgiving break, and I painted my nails metallic gold.  So basically, my day was phenomenal.  It's just too bad I kind of spoiled it by eating 900 calories...ugh...

Stress level? Excessive.

I have this problem with thinking that feigning ignorance will magically make all my troubles disappear.  I've been so focused on passing my chemistry classes that I didn't make any effort really in one of my easier courses...so I'm failing...joy.  I only have one more quarter of classes before I graduate (if I don't fail anything), so now I'm really nervous.  I can still pass the class if I do some extra credit and rock the final, but ahhhh this is NOT what I needed!  And on top of that, I have so much goddamn shit I need to get done this week for my other three classes, and I'm still paranoid that I'm going to suddenly gain back all the weight I've lost before I can show off at Thanksgiving.  All in all?  Hating life right now.  Fuck me.

Can you tell I'm irritated?  Sorry for the harsh language, but when I'm drowning in stress I tend to drop curse words like its my job.  Oh, and I almost forgot, my dad passed out sitting down on Friday and was in the hospital all night.  I, of course, didn't find out until yesterday afternoon, and I'm kind of worried about him.  He's in a great shape and health (I thought), but now I don't know if there's an actual problem.  Maybe it was dehydration, but he's been exhausted and the results of the blood tests and things haven't come through yet.  It's just another thing I didn't want to have to deal with, you know?

So my game plan for today:  already had some fruit and carrots (200 cals max?), going to pull out my razor (because I'm stressed, irritated, and it's been awhile), and then drinking lots of coffee at Panera (free refills) while attempting to get my shit together.

Eleven days until Thanksgiving.  I can make it, I can make it, I can make it...can I make it?

14

Wow, we've hit the two week mark until Thanksgiving.  Glorious.  Time really flies!  And I've been feeling like the holidays will start feeling more official because they started decorating outside my work.  In case it's been a while since I've mentioned it, I work in a little cafe on my college campus in the medical center, so there are decorations galore when Christmas rolls around.  There's usually a giant tree in the square, which, if not for the stupid construction, can be seen from the wall of windows in the cafe.  I could see a few smaller Christmas trees, as well as a giant wreath, being put up earlier...now I'm just crossing my fingers that we'll get a radio soon so we can play Christmas music...I think it's in the works.  Is it acceptable for me to start listening to it on my own?  I don't like the music they play on the radio, but it's better than nothing I suppose.  Good thing I have lots on my itunes.  By the way, what's your favorite Christmas song?  I'll tell you mine tomorrow once I decide who's my favorite person singing it...

I had somewhere between 8 and 900 calories today.  I know that's not good, but I was soooo freaking hungry today.  I really wish I had carrots again, but I'm all out.  Maybe I can get some tomorrow or convince my mom to bring them when she comes up again on Saturday.  But I'm worried because you can turn orange from eating too many from beta carotene poisoning...so maybe I'll pick a different vegetable to abuse for a week.  I don't know what one though.  I'll just google the lowest calorie vegetable, but I'm guessing it's cucumber.  Good thing I like cucumber, especially when I douse it with salt and pepper.  Mmmmm.

15 Days...still alive

I cannot even begin to contain my excitement about the fact that Thanksgiving is a meager 15 days away...even though just yesterday I was complaining about how 16 days was soooo many.  That's what happens when a particular school assignment that I don't want to do is looming over my head; it's all turned in now though.  Unfortunately, I have many more to go before I can finally enjoy a holiday, but at least being busy makes time fly.  It also makes me forget to eat.  Bonus.

I had some carrots and cherry tomatoes earlier with yellow mustard (about 100 cals at most), then a lean cuisine for dinner (250 cals), and finally a little hot cocoa (70 cals).  That brings me to a grand total of...420 calories.  That's much better than yesterday, I think.  Probably the main reason why the caloric content for today is so low is because 1) my stomach has been trying to rip me apart, 2) I've been sleeping because of the lack of sleep last night, and 3) I feel fat?  Also, I've been frozen solid for weeks now, which I can only assume is a direct result of my low food intake and poor nutrition (not that I care about that).  It's weird because it isn't the air around me that cools me but my actual body temperature.  I have waves of chills that come over me, and no amount of clothes, blankets, or mittens can warm me up.  When I go to sleep, it's the worst because I'm not moving or regulating any body heat.  My roommate thinks I'm a freak because it's 74 degrees in our apartment and as she waltzes around in short shorts, I'm wearing several pairs of pants, two long sleeves shirts, a sweatshirt, two pairs of wool socks, a scarf, and gloves, all wrapped up in a blanket and fucking freezing.  Oh well, such is life.  I may vocally complain about being cold, but secretly I'm basking in it because it means I must be doing something right.

I love how not eating yields less of a need for sleep and a frigid body temperature.  It's perfect for me:  I can stay up studying and pull all nighters without bingeing the next day AND I can wear lots of layers and feel all cozy, warm and fuzzy (minus the "warm" part) inside.  I'm bored with Wednesday now; time to sleep.

Sixteen Days

There's only sixteen days until Thanksgiving, and yet, I feel as though I just can't make it.  Never before has two weeks (that's how long until I actually go home) felt like such a long stretch of time.  It feels endless, and I feel an overwhelming weight on my chest every time I think of everything I need to do before I find relief.  I know that I should just take a day at a time, rather than looking so far in the future, but I can't help it.  Instead, I just feel helpless and like I just won't make it to the holiday this year.  But of course, no one worry because unless something crazy happens I will make it.  There's no reason why I wouldn't; I'm just stressed out.

I'm afraid of tomorrow and probably not going to sleep tonight because of it.  I've found that if I stay awake all night, it feels like the day is pushed back a little farther. You know when you go to sleep and wake up an instant later?  Yeah, I don't want tomorrow to come in an instant.  So no sleep for me.  Besides, I have a lot of shit to do tomorrow, and I would kind of like to enjoy some procrastination right now.  I'm probably going to take some diet pills...maybe two because (why not?).  I ate lots of carrots with mustard (less than 200 cals...I ate a lot), sushi (250 cals), a soy latte (150 cals), and a hershey bar (160 cals).  So that brings me to less than 800 cals, I guess.  Obviousy I could do a LOT better, but I've been sticking around that number without binging for several weeks and actually seeing consistent progress.  I'd like to have a day where I don't really eat at all soon, just to remind myself that I can.  Maybe I'll do that on Sunday.  That sounds like a good day for it.  Tomorrow I will be chugging coffee and taking espresso shots like it's my fucking job.  I swear caffeine is the only reason I'm still alive.

Also, and this is slightly disturbing, I've literally been plotting a day where I can  .  Never mind, you don't need to know about that.  Just me and my musings about the razor chilling in my desk drawer...and no, I'm not killing myself so no one panic.  I just don't think you need any tmi.  I think I use the blade to remind myself that I can feel, like Johnny Cash says in "Hurt."  When I can feel it the next day, it keeps me grounded because I often (as in 99 percent of the time) forget that I'm in a body and a part of reality...which is an odd concept to me right now.  Maybe that's why I frequently stare at my hand, brows furrowed, watching it move before my eyes, and I think with childlike fascination, "That's me?"  An odd feeling.