Smokers

This is random, but I felt the need to express my strange attraction to potheads.  I was watching Dazed and Confused earlier, and, even though he's really not that attractive if you look at him, Slader (or however you spell it) captivates me.  I swear, every time he appears on screen I am mesmerized; he says the funniest things.  The same thing happens in Pineapple Express, but let's be honest, James Franco is hot sooo I don't know if it's just that he's a pothead in that movie.  But there's something about him running around with messy (but still sexy) hair and pajamas and making really deep and pointless observations.  Perhaps the latter is the reason for my fetish.

I think that smokers tend to seem like really laid back and happy people, content to just sit, smoke, and think.  I've only done so on a few occasions, but I just love being around the whole scene because of how relaxed it is.  It seems like their stress just fades away and suddenly the little things in life are just so fascinating.  And I find myself jealous because, while I brood most of the day, my thoughts are much darker, less peaceful, and certainly not funny if expressed aloud.  If my thoughts were put into a movie, it would be put on Lifetimes and people would only watch and say, "Wow, that's fucked up," because they had nothing else to do and there was nothing better on TV.  I suppose that's why thoughts are thoughts; I've always figured that what goes on in my mind isn't meant to be known...otherwise it would have come from my mouth instead, right?  I find that I censor most of what I say or else mumble incoherently...that would be problematic for my boring Lifetime movie.  They would need subtitles just to translate my lack of annunciation.  Granted, half of the time when I'm talking it's more to myself than for someone else's benefit, and there's really no point in speaking clearly when you already know in your head what your saying...

Wow, I've changed topics drastically.  I have other things to complain about, like how overly happy people irritate me...hell, happy people in general tend to irritate me (or at least confuse me).  The whole concept of always smiling and being cheerful boggles my mind a bit.  But I will leave that discussion for another day and try to reiterate my love for potheads.  They are fantastic people.  So if you smoke, I already like you.  I wish I could have a little circle of friends like in That 70's Show...what I'd give for that.

Dreams

It feels like forever since I last posted...school is keeping me busy.  I wish I had exciting things to update you on, but honestly, my life has just been more of the same.  But I'm glad that I'm finishing up my last quarter at school, and even though it's my hardest one yet, I haven't been feeling overwhelmed.  I think being busy is good for me because when I'm allowed to think too much bad things happen.

But I did want to tell you about my dream that I had this morning.  I took a nap after an early exam, and experience has shown me that naps always cater to the strangest dreams of all.  I'm not even sure if you can call this a dream or if it was more that I was slipping in and out of consciousness.  I laid in bed and felt, literally, my body floating away from me.  I could have sworn I was levitating at one point...ridiculous, I know, but it's how I felt.  I couldn't feel any parts of my body at all except for a large weight just pressing down on me, and I couldn't move even when I tried to move my mouth.  I almost felt like I wanted to scream, and when I was finally able to force my eyes open reality hit me and the weight was gone.  Normally, I wouldn't be so shocked by this and it's happened to me before (except that time I swore when I opened my eyes there was a white person standing next to my bed...creepy ghost or something), but this happened three or four times this morning.  At one point I wanted to just let things go and see what happened because my brain was still functioning, but the feelings got too intense after a while and I panicked.  I actually almost screamed when I "woke up" (or whatever you would call it), but instead I just kind of whimpered.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this strange occurrence, but I'm going to just add it to my list of strange dreams.  I don't really dream anyway; I just have nightmares.  But has this kind of thing happened to any of you before?  I'm not dumb enough to think I'm the only one to have strange things like this happen, but I can't help but wonder what causes the body to behave so strangely...maybe I'm haunted...or just a little fucked up...or both haha.

Week One

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted, and I can attribute the reason for that to be the enormous schoolwork that has been swamping me already...and yes, I've only had one week of classes.  This is going to be a long quarter, but I graduate after it.

I have to say, though, that I prefer to be ridiculously busy because it keeps my mind on other things and helps me not to eat.  I know that's terrible, but I actually forget to eat when I have so much to do.  And when I'm running from one place to another, I just continuously fill myself up with coffee for energy or a red bull.  I refuse to eat when I'm on the go, and I refuse to consume a meal quickly so if I have a time limit then I just don't eat.

Unfortunately I binged and purged yesterday and put some fresh marks on my left arm; that's what I did instead of going out on a Saturday night.  I've been feeling kind of down lately with regards to my personal life.  I'm eager to graduate, and I'm proud that I'm doing so early.  But when I think about my "friends" and (non existent) love life, I feel depressed.  I can't open up to people, hence I can't really have good friends.  I just wonder sometimes if maybe I do have a purpose in this world and what it could be.  Sometimes I imagine myself doing great things because, let's be honest, life can change dramatically in no time...wish I had a crystal ball.

Confused

I've been really confused about things lately.  On one hand, I'm happy because there isn't too much drama going on in my life...although there never is since I just bring problems upon myself, but on the other hand, I feel as though I want to be as miserable as possible because that's how I'm most comfortable.  I think once you're used to a certain feeling, you just don't feel right when it's not there, and for me, a depression of sorts is part of who I am and without it, I'm lost.  Yet, at the same time, the dark thoughts and endless brooding terrifies me because I worry that eventually I'll snap and *poof* I'm dead.  Most of the time I don't care, but then there's times when I watch people around me and wish I could feel like them...but I don't know how that would be or what exactly I'm missing.  I just know I'm missing something.  I'm too confused to write and lacking all inspiration so I'll update better later.

Hurt

It's been killing me lately to watch my little brother.  He's in high school and going through all the typical drama of cliques, dumb friends, petty fights, the works, and I hate seeing him so upset all the time.  I stayed home or New Years and watched movies with him, which was relaxing, but I could tell he was disappointed that his plans fell through.  He feels like no one likes him and is never invited to parties, but from my perspective, he has a good group of friends and seems pretty social.  But the problem is that it doesn't matter what I tell him or what the reality is because it's really what's going on in his mind that counts.

I wanted to tell him that people are stupid and selfish, and that's why I don't have any close friends (but he doesn't know that).  People never fail to disappoint me, which is why I just assume plans are going to fall through whenever I make them...it's the only way to never be disappointed.  But expecting failure and assuming friendships are always going to end isn't a philosophy that he should have, so I refrained from stating my true opinion.  Instead, I told him that you never know that people like you because we [people] don't go around telling people that they're fun to be with.  People just don't really give compliments like that; you usually only know when someone really doesn't like you.  I tried to explain that he wasn't uninvited from a party, but people, especially in high school, don't invite each person personally.  It's generally a word of mouth kind of thing, and people tend to assume that you will come even if they don't tell you.  That was my experience because when I frequently wouldn't show up they would ask me why I wasn't there, even if I would have just stood there quietly brooding the whole time...but that's why my mom refers to me as a "window treatment."  I've been reduced to something nice to look at as supposed to actually converse with...lovely.

Anyway, I just wish he didn't have to go through these things.  I used to, and it hardened me into a jaded, antisocial, acquaintance only individual, which is probably not the way to go through life.  I want him to stay happy, carefree, and most importantly, the little brother I know.  I've already lost my innocence; does he have to, too?

Skiing!

I just went skiing for two days with my family, and it was amazing.  We went to Pennsylvania, which is no Vail, but skiing in Colorado is expensive so I'll take what I can get.  I have to say, though, I was really bummed that there weren't any glades (tree skiing for those of you who don't know) that were worthwhile because there just wasn't enough snow on the ground between the trees.  Glades and moguls are my favorite ski runs, but unless you're out West, you can't really get them.  So we only skied one glade, where I found myself seemingly skiing on dirt and twigs more than anything else, which isn't good for your skis nor is it that thrilling when you're watching out for abrupt rocks or logs than anything else.  And the other downside of skiing in Pennsylvania is that none of the runs are actually challenging.  I'm not an expert, but I've been skiing since I was little so I can pretty much ski anything in Colorado, making the blacks and double blacks at the place we went to way too easy.

Despite that, though, my skis rammed into a mogul because they were rentals, had very dull edges, and have not been waxed in way too long, so I couldn't turn fast enough, and I ended up slamming onto my arm in heap of snow/ice.  It's sad because I never fall, but then again, I usually use my own equipment, which surprisingly makes a huge difference when you're skiing.  So now I have to get dressed with one arm because my left one is feeling very unpleasant.  It's not broken or dislocated because I think I would know if it were, but skiing the rest of the day was a little rough because every time I used my left arm to pole or turn (so very often), it felt like it was about to be ripped off.  Oh well...skiing was still a blast even if I just complained for two paragraphs.

Tomorrow I'm planning on posting to question you all about New Years plans.  I have a few friends who want me to go out with them, but the problem is that 1) we don't have actual plans and 2) I really really really don't like huge crowds.  And the possibility (or rather, guarantee) that I will be packed like a sardine in a busy bar and left to be groped by creepy men does not really appeal to me...I've never been partial to New Years because it feels like I could go out and do the same things on a different weekend where there won't be so many people, I won't be rolling my eyes when people countdown to midnight, and I won't see a million dresses that I know girls bought only for one night from Forever21.  No offense if you do all that, but it's just not my kind of thing...just a matter of personal preferences, you know?  Anyway, what are your plans?  I need ideas or excuses to get out of it.

wow.

my parents really know how to piss me off.  i was just downstairs measuring out two tablespoons of chocolate chips, and my mom says, "wow, you really are addicted to sweets."  excuse me?!

this is coming from the woman who had two of the cookies i baked earlier at lunch and then three cookies later (at one time).  now, i'm not one to judge because i could totally eat an entire batch of cookies, so you won't hear me say anything about someone's food choices most of the time.  but when she said that as though i'm addicted to something truly evil and after my dad just grabbed a handful...i don't know.  why can't my parents just be nurturing for once and stop being so damn critical?

and then she wonders why i don't understand when anyone calls me beautiful?  how dare she get mad when i feel ugly when it seems like they only put on more pressure?  fucking hypocrites.

(sorry i'm being bitchy again...i'm just really irritated by the people who are supposed to love me)