Update

It feels as though I haven't updated in forever, but I suppose it really hasn't been that long after all.  There hasn't been much going on in my life other than that I've slowly gained at least 5 pounds recently due to excess bingeing.  This is why I need to be busy because hanging around my house all day, especially alone, is a recipe for disaster.  Therefore, I'm getting back on track.

I also whipped out my razor yesterday again after about a three week hiatus...the only reason being that I didn't have paper towels around my house like I do in my apartment at school.  Unfortunately, I solved this problem by putting a razor in the shower.  Even I admit that this is a bad plan because it makes things too easy and tempting, and yet I'm doing it against my better judgement.  But isn't that what we all do?  Constantly causing ourselves harm even though we know we shouldn't?  I still have no idea what I'm going to do when the weather warms up.  I have scars everywhere and can only barely get away with 3/4 length sleeves.  I'm trying not to think about that so, moving on...I'm going to read a few poems by my favorite poet (Edgar Allan Poe) and then go to bed.  This is probably going to lend itself to bizarre dreams, but I tend to have nightmares anyway so it's nothing new.  The other morning I actually woke up with a throat that felt like I had swallowed razor blades; I think I must have been crying in my sleep all night.  It would make sense because I remember that my dad had died in my dream.  It was terrible.

And on another side note before I finish my post, I'm planning on getting a new car this week if I get the job I've been going after...five interviews later.  I'm fixed on a used mini couper with a manual transmission.  I love driving, and the interior of a mini feels like a race car.  Amazing.

Soooore

I finally worked out for the first time in forever yesterday, and I am so sore.  It's a good feeling because I know that I actually did something productive for once, but it's also difficult to convince myself to get my lazy ass off the couch to go work out again today.  But, since I have absolutely nothing else to do with my time and in order to prevent a binge since I have the house to myself until this afternoon, I am planning on going to the gym.  It's a struggle, though.

Also, I'm a bit out of practice, but I'm about to be shooting another poor guy down in the dating arena.  I mentioned to him yesterday that I'm not looking for anything and am not exactly a "commitment" kind of person...being a typical boy, he said that was fine and he wasn't either...lies.  See, when I say that I'm not a "commitment" person, I'm really saying that I never see the same person more than once or twice.  I don't like for people to get too close, and I don't like to be touched.  I don't want some guy to hug me or put his arm around me or tell me he thinks I'm beautiful.  It just all makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and when I say so, if I do, then they inevitably ask why, which just irritates me.  I merely shake my head, say that it just does, and distract myself.  I just kind of wish that, for once, a guy that I meet would be fine with just being friends and not see me as a piece of meat or arm candy.  But, for those of you who have seen When Harry Met Sally, it just isn't possible for a guy and a girl to be friends.  One of them will have feelings for the other, and that in itself throws off the entire relationship.  It's inevitable, it always happens, and it sucks every time.

Of course, I know that once there is a guy who isn't interested, I will want them to be.  Funny how that works...I'm going to go workout now and burn off the yogurt I ate a few hours ago.

P.S.  I hate ABSOLUTELY DETEST April Fool's Day, so please, for my sanity, no one try anything...though I'd have to give you props if you could via mere blog comments, but then I'd get pissed shortly after acknowledging your creativity sooo...

Graduation

Well, I will officially be a college graduate this weekend after commencement.  I supposes I technically am a graduate now, but it won't feel quite so real until I have the diploma in hand.  The importance of graduation is kind of lost on me, and I honestly don't want to be forced to sit for hours listening to boring people babble on about boring things...but I don't have a choice anyway...parents are sentimental.  I've always assumed I would graduate from college, and so it doesn't seem like a great accomplishment to me but more like just another step in life.  Plus, there's the fact that I'm planning on applying for grad schools in December to get my Ph.D. (in chemistry, in case you're curious).

Finishing finals, though, was a great feeling, and the stress of it all was the reason for my lack of posts recently.  It's been really strange not studying for the past two days, but I'll have to begin studying for the GRE soon anyway.  Also, I will finally be enjoying life, I suppose, by actually socializing with people instead of cooping myself up in a coffee shop with a giant textbook.  I bought a pretty new scarf today, and I'm going to the zoo tomorrow.  Very excited.

I'm disappointed that I definitely gained about three pounds during finals because of the excess studying.  My usual lack of nutrition was destroying my frazzled brain, and it (unfortunately) needed more nourishment than a bagel.  But I'm trying to get back on track, and I think I'm almost there.  My mom agrees that I should lose at least 10 more pounds, which is kind of nice that she doesn't think I'm being ridiculous.  Although, she sees it more as I want to lose more weight for my love of fashion and sense of style.  I admit that I wear an obnoxious amount of layers, so I want my body to be small so that I look cuter when I'm draped in sweaters and scarves.

And before I forget, Happy St. Patty's Day!  I keep forgetting, and I don't plan on celebrating because I don't like overly crowded bars like they will be today.  Plus, there's the fact that I refuse to wear green for the sake of a holiday; any other day of the year, I love to wear green because it brings out the color of my green eyes.  But I don't like my standard wardrobe to be attributed to a holiday.  As much as I love the adorableness of little shamrocks...enjoy your green beer though, everyone!

When Friends Become Strangers

There are times when you haven't seen a friend in a while and it's just like old times.  Those are always great moments, and I think that's what makes a truly great friend.  Then there are times when you see a friend after a while, and you don't know what to say.  Sometimes you feel as though you've never met them at all, and it's only their face that's recognizable.  I've been feeling like that with nearly all my so called "friends" (or rather, acquaintances) lately, including my roommate.  How can I feel further apart from someone that I live with?

I saw her when I was studying today, and it felt so strange.  I didn't feel like I knew her at all, or maybe it's really the other way around.  I've changed a lot, or at least I've let my past and my thoughts consume my life.  I've bottled myself up inside so much that I no longer have anything to say, for fear of spilling anything too personal, and she never asks me anything about my day anyway.  And perhaps that's part of the problem that's caused our drifting apart as well.  I don't know that she's necessarily had to deal with people as, well, "screwed up" as I am, and her life is much more stable than my own.  I can't help but wonder sometimes if she notices something is wrong or not because I always think I'm more secretive than I actually am.  People always figure things out in the end, as much as we try to keep things hidden.

But my point was just how strange it is to look at the face of someone who used to be a friend and feel no connection.  It's almost as though you want to cock your head to side and say, "Huh, you look familiar."  That would be rude, of course, since you know each other, but I swear it feels like a dream rather than reality.  Then again, everything in my life seems more like a dream (or a nightmare)...which is why I really want to get that tattoo I've mentioned...

F**kin' Perfect - Pink

I love this song, and I wish I could watch the video on youtube...but after watching it twice and ending up cutting myself as a result, I decided that I really can't.  It's kind of sad that the video is just too triggering for me, but what can I do?  So I have it playing in a separate tap on my browser...still a little tempted but manageable.  I think.  I'll let you know tomorrow because the night is young.

Anyway, I've been addicted to UDF soft serve lately, and it has become a staple in my diet.  It's a good thing it's only a dollar and fat free and substituted as one of my meals.  I only have it at night if I'm craving something sweet and jut really want it, but I don't have it every day at least.  I greatly wish I could just not eat sweet things, but I have a such a sweet tooth.  I also eat muffins a lot...what kind of psychotic disordered person am I?!  It's weird that I'm so fanatical about losing weight and being hungry yet I eat muffins.  But here's the thing:  I only eat good ones that I know the calorie content of, and it's usually my meal for the day.  Sad but true and ridiculously unhealthy.  It's no wonder I feel like shit most of the time because I don't have any protein in my diet.  One of my classmates commented that I never seem to eat because we're always studying together at Panera, and I only eat muffes, yogurt parfaits, or a bagel (if I've been good, haven't eaten yet that day, and it's dinner time), and it takes me about 4 hours to eat any of the above.  I can't help but wonder if other patrons look at me and think I'm a freak or clearly have a problem...I guess it could be obvious, but it's just such habit to eat obnoxiously slowly that I don't even think about it.  Sometimes I'm too self conscious to eat in public because I know people will stare at me (but pretend not to be) strangely.  I'm especially self conscious when eating Starbursts because I eat each one in four bites.  One of my friends joked that the Starburst was just too big of a bite, but most people just choose not to comment.

Tomorrow I turn in my last lab report of the quarter, and I'm hoping to have it done early so I can reward myself with some quality Starbucks.  I'm thinking I'll have a low fat muffin tomorrow for lunch/dinner.  Mmmm.  I'm in a shockingly good mood right now...perhaps because my jeans were so huge on me today that they felt like sweatpants?

Hungry

I'm sitting in my room, feeling my stomach painfully rumbling, my limbs tingling, and my head burning...I know that I'm really really hungry, but I can't make dinner.  You see, my roommate is out in the living room, and yesterday I know she discovered that I ate some of her cereal so now I'm terrified to face her.  I know it's stupid, and she's probably not even mad or even cares but I do.  So when I got home for the day, after having some starbursts and stuffed grape leaves throughout the day, I immediately hid in my room.  And here I am, desperately wishing I could eat something and settling for a few sticks of sugarless gum.  I just know that I'm going to wake up feeling like shit tomorrow, but I guess I should just be grateful that I'll be losing more weight than I would if I had a 200 calorie dinner.  It just sucks that I actually wanted to eat something, you know?  Ow, my head is pounding and I can't focus on typing, so I'm just going to leave this post incredibly short and update once I can properly function.

Beauty and Pain

My mom visited me yesterday (Wednesday), and I'm torn between flattery and irritation, as always, by her comments.  She told me that she loves how experiencing things with me because people automatically treat me differently because of how I look.  An elderly man, for example, came up and told us that he hopes that our boyfriends/husbands understand and appreciate how beautiful we are, etc, etc., which was really sweet, but I always feel awkward when told I'm beautiful.  And of course, then there's the lingering stares or glances that people give you, thinking that it won't be noticeable, but when everyone does it at the same time or as soon as you walk into a room, you suddenly think, "Is there something on my face?" or "Is there toilet paper on my shoe?"  I always subtly double check myself, automatically self conscious and confused.  Perhaps I should feel complimented and grateful, but I just can't.  I don't like feeling like I'm constantly in the spotlight when all I want to do is shrink within myself and be left alone.  And yet...I can't live without the attention either.

This is one of those times when my posts are contradictory:  I tell you how I'm fat, ugly, a waste of space, and yet here I'm complaining about people staring at me.  The problem is that I, myself, am confused.  I suppose I have to look at my face and accept that it looks decent as a fact, but the rest of my body is atrocious and my mind is simply fucked up.  I think there's a quote somewhere about how beauty is always linked with darkness or something like that, and I don't think there's been a truer statement.  People who are pretty are either a) total bitches because they know they're pretty or b) unable to come to terms with it and hoping that people see something deeper for once (which they never do).  I'm part of the latter, and as a result, I can't help but think that my appearance is all I have because that's all that other people see.  So why would they care about what's inside?  The answer?  They wouldn't, and I have yet to meet someone to prove me wrong.

Maybe this explains a bit why my left arm is throbbing from last night, and my right arm is now suffering as well.  I get so tired of trying to live up to this perfection that people seem to think I have, especially when perfection is purely an impossible feat.  Being a disaster, on the other hand, is very doable, and I'm doing a fantastic job of it.  Maybe, in addition to trying to connect this body with my mind, I'm trying to prove that I am, in fact, not perfect.  When will people stop commenting on superficial things and actually tell me something I want to hear?  I think my favorite compliment would be someone telling me that I'm witty or funny or sarcastic...something that deals with my personality.

Not going to hold my breath on that one...it won't even kill me anyway.  Pointless.