Saturday, February 26, 2011

A new low?

Today I purged a lean cuisine.  Yes, you read that correctly...a lean cuisine.  Did I binge before?  No.  Was I stuffed?  No.  Was I still hungry and my stomach could have easily growled?  Yes.  So why did I do it?  No idea.

I have to admit that it's incredibly difficult purging when your stomach is so empty to begin with.  Yesterday, I ate a sweet potato and a bagel (with cream cheese), and today I had a granola bar, fruit and yogurt parfait, and then the lean cuisine.  So I definitely wouldn't say that my stomach was particularly bursting by any means.  But sometimes you just really crave that feeling of ultimate misery, of hovering over the toilet with your fingers shoved down your throat, mentally telling yourself that you need to do it just one more time...repeatedly.  I still got that sick satisfaction from it, sans guilt since I didn't actually binge.  And I told myself that it was good for me because even if it was just a lean cuisine, getting rid of food is better than keeping it in, right?...okay, don't answer that...

And that beautiful gap between the legs?  Almost there.  If I stand with just my toes together, which I tend to do, then I have the gap.  But sadly, if I stood with my heels clicked together, then it's not quite there yet.  It's sad that I only feel like I'd be satisfied once it's there    as if no one should ever be content with their bodies unless they have that gap.  It's a ridiculous sentiment if I look at it logically, but when do I ever do such a thing?

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