Saturday, February 26, 2011

A new low?

Today I purged a lean cuisine.  Yes, you read that correctly...a lean cuisine.  Did I binge before?  No.  Was I stuffed?  No.  Was I still hungry and my stomach could have easily growled?  Yes.  So why did I do it?  No idea.

I have to admit that it's incredibly difficult purging when your stomach is so empty to begin with.  Yesterday, I ate a sweet potato and a bagel (with cream cheese), and today I had a granola bar, fruit and yogurt parfait, and then the lean cuisine.  So I definitely wouldn't say that my stomach was particularly bursting by any means.  But sometimes you just really crave that feeling of ultimate misery, of hovering over the toilet with your fingers shoved down your throat, mentally telling yourself that you need to do it just one more time...repeatedly.  I still got that sick satisfaction from it, sans guilt since I didn't actually binge.  And I told myself that it was good for me because even if it was just a lean cuisine, getting rid of food is better than keeping it in, right?...okay, don't answer that...

And that beautiful gap between the legs?  Almost there.  If I stand with just my toes together, which I tend to do, then I have the gap.  But sadly, if I stood with my heels clicked together, then it's not quite there yet.  It's sad that I only feel like I'd be satisfied once it's there    as if no one should ever be content with their bodies unless they have that gap.  It's a ridiculous sentiment if I look at it logically, but when do I ever do such a thing?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Grass Is Always Greener

You know how the saying goes...the grass is always greener on the other side.  We all think it, and we all think that our own lives are the hardest of everyone's.  But I hope that everyone is acutely aware that that's bullshit.  Unfortunately, people are ignorant and selfish and too caught up in their own lives to believe that other people have problems, too.  I encountered this very situation today:

My roommate complains about her practice schedule (athletics) quite frequently, which is fine because we all need something to complain about, but when I mentioned that I have a huge 2 hour chemistry exam (graduate level actually) on Saturday morning and then an (impossible) pchem lab report due on Monday followed by another impossible 2 hour chemistry exam Thursday, she told me she would rather take the exam.  To each their own, I guess, but it was the way she said it and her words surrounding the statement that blew me away.  She informed me that she would rather be mentally tired than physically.  Fuck that.  Here's the thing, I get that she has practice all the time and it's difficult, excruciating, and painful...I know this because I did it for the first two and a half years of college as well so I'm not ignorant.  But she has never had a four hour chemistry midterm (not even the final exam), has never spent 8 hours studying in a single day only to find that you still don't understand what the hell is going on and could have just not studied at all and ended with the same result, has never spent an entire night without sleep, or spent more nights in the library or classroom than in her own bed.

I would never say her life is easy because it's not.  Being a varsity athlete is hard, and injuries are frequent and miserable.  But I think it's extremely unfair for her to judge me like that and to imply that I have it better.  And it's not just her, it's anyone.  We should never believe that the grass really is greener or that someone else's problems are less than our own.  We all have different problems, and we all lead different lives.  And at the end of the day when I empathize with her about her back being sore, I don't think it's fair that I get no response in return when I mention that my brain feels like it's bleeding (literally) because I've been studying for more than 12 hours for a subject that most people struggle with in high school.  And my brain isn't going to rest because then I have a lab report, another exam, then another lab report, then five finals (three of which are chemistry).

Funny how when I feel about to explode at her, I just mutter, "I hate my life," and she laughs.  She thought I was joking.

And as a little disclaimer, I like my roommate a lot; this is just a rant because my day has been shit enough as it is.  It's human nature to be selfish, which is why I don't like most people.  Just try to remember as you go about your day and complain as people all do that you shouldn't try to make your problems "outdo" other people's.  We all deserve a release; I just wish someone would listen to me for once.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I never considered myself the type to want a tattoo, but over time my views on a lot of things has changed quite drastically.  A large part of me just went along with whatever my parents told me, and I didn't form very many opinions on my own.  I used to always seek the approval of others, never wearing anything too "different."  Now, however, I've had a lot of time to try to find my own personal self and thoughts on life.  Unfortunately, my thoughts are rather dark, cynical, and in sharp contrast to my parents view on life.  My clothes, in my opinion, are much more fashion forward, and I love to wear things that just make you look and think, "Wow, that's different" (in a good way).  If I choose to wear heels or sunglasses at 7am, who cares?

Before I stray too far off topic and start going on about fashion, which I could do for hours, I wanted to mention what kind of tattoo I wanted.  Granted, I won't get it until I'm employed full time, as a little treat, and I won't be telling anyone.  It's very personal to me, and it will be in a place that no one would see.  Because honestly, while I'm all for independence, I also understand professionalism, and if I want to be a CEO (dreaming big haha) or make it somewhere in a corporate environment, then I don't want any visible ink.  Of course, there's also just the fact that I like to keep things to myself...

I want it to say, "All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream," by Edgar Allan Poe.  He's by far my favorite writer, and I have a word document saved with quotes by him.  It suits my own take on life, as I feel like I'm never real and always wandering through life with my head in the clouds, even if it's storming up there most of the time.  Reality confuses me, after all.  The placement of the tattoo, I think, would be great on my right (or left, but probably right) hip, rather low.  I'd also want it in some kind of script so that, if someone saw it, they wouldn't be able to read it in two seconds.  If I wanted someone to read it, then I would let them spend time doing so or tell them what it said myself...which is why I kind of debated having it professionally translated to German...but it's a quote so I don't know if that's really appropriate...