Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Happy Place

I talked to my mom on the phone today, and she was trying to convince me to find my "happy place."  I told her I didn't know where it was.  She said I was happy in Anthropology (my favorite clothing store), but I explained that my happiness would quickly be shattered as soon as I tried on clothes.  Shopping for shoes is always fun, though, because you don't feel quite as fat...of course, I do usually find my calves to be rather large or if there is a full length mirror then I am quickly traumatized.  After some thought, I told my mom that I am usually somewhat happy reading in a small coffee shop.  But then she said that she was more talking about a mental "happy place."  Oh.  Well, I don't have one of those.

It's funny, too, that my mom mentioned how I was never happy unless I was losing weight.  You'd think that would be a red flag that there's a problem.  I'm never happy unless that number on the scale is going down every day, but even then, am I really happy?  I wish she'd understand that, and sometimes I wish she'd try to help me or even get someone else to.  I don't think she understands that I've been stuck in this dark place for years and can't seem to crawl my way out.  I pretend to be happy when I'm on the phone most of the time, but it's so much energy.  I just wish I could be happy...even just for a day.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

crawling out of the rut

I hate it when I get in these ruts, and it feels like the whole is so deep that I need a ladder to get out.  Unfortunately, I cannot seem to find this ladder, or when I do, I end up falling off.  Part of the problem, I believe, is that my mom keeps insisting that I will be happier once I drop 15 lbs.  I, of course, know this to be a lie, and her pressuring me is making me binge.  I think tomorrow I am going to tell her to stop nagging me.  The fact is that I need to lose weight for me and me alone, and her adding to the pressure is really hindering my progress.  I do the best when my parents have no idea that I'm dieting (which I always am anyway or trying to at least), and then they are shocked and pleased when I come home.  Perhaps I just like the element of surprise.  Shock and Awe.  Or Shock and Frighten, that would be better.  I would love to be so thin that I am covering myself in layers to hide the weight loss as supposed to hiding my fat's my dream.

This is the one thing that I can call my own, and I am really good at losing weight.  The problem is keeping it off.  I know that I can easily drop 10 lbs by memorial weekend, but I just need to gear up and stop worrying about...well, I don't even know what I'm worrying about!  There's something nagging me in the bag of my mind, and it's bothering me...I swear it's my mom's voice, saying, "Oh, you're just always happier when you're thinner."  I can hear it now, and in fact, I heard it yesterday.  But I need for her to stop because I like to keep my food habits in my own little personal bubble, separate from the world and away from the nagging queen.  Does anyone else feel like this?  You'd think this so called "support" would be beneficial, but not for me.  Probably because I can never tell her what I actually ate...she'd be horrified.  She'd probably be even more horrified if she found out I throw up almost every the medical center bathroom...ironic, yes?  Felt a little guilty about that but only a smidgen.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Good job, you all guessed correctly...not to belittle your impeccable perception skills, but when I looked at the picture again, I realized it was fairly obvious.  But I congratulate you nonetheless.

An update on my weekend:  I officially suck as a human being.  I saw myself in a window on my walk home from reading in a bookstore and coffee shop (yes, I read in both haha), and I was mortified.  I wanted to sink to the ground and die on the spot when I saw my reflection.  Hopefully windows make you look fatter than you are, but I doubt it.  It's just kind of devastating finding yourself so repulsive, ya know?  Traumatizing.  So, I ended up bingeing on some nutella after just having blueberries all day...I need to stop bingeing and purging at night because ultimately, that's where I go today.  I baked a red velvet cake, which was disgusting, and at some of it before throwing it away and throwing up in the bathroom for a while.  Now I feel sufficiently empty again, but my stomach hurts and my head throbs.  Tomorrow is going to be a rough day, I'm sure.  I kind of wonder sometimes when all this purging is going to catch up to me.  I'm sure it's already ruining my body, but I have yet to have anything serious occur so I think I'm still in the clear.  I'm starting a 2463 diet with a friend tomorrow.  The 800 calories day just seemed too much [oh my god, there's an adorable commercial on tv with a golden retriever its a car commercial, warm fuzzy feeling officially gone...damn], so we altered it.  Even though I totally ate more than that today, but that was because of a binge.  For some reason, intentionally eating that amount without purging is just beyond my comprehension.

I hope everyone else had a good weekend because I sure didn't.  Of course, I don't know the last time I had a good one.