Saturday, June 18, 2011

binge (n.): failure

I binged today (and purged since those go hand in hand), and I'm trying to convince myself that one day won't turn me into an elephant.  Key works there:  trying.  I'm hoping that if I work out tomorrow and don't eat so much, then things will fall into place a little better.  I did well all week, but arriving home from work hours earlier than normal really cramped my style.  One good thing about working is that I'm so busy and forget to eat for extended periods of time.  My diet consists of a protein bar while at work and consuming mass amounts of coffee.  It's been working well, but today I had a shit ton of cookie cake, peanut butter, toast...need I continue?

Moving on, I'm hoping that I can get my act together here.  Also, my parentals are out of town for the next week, which means that if my self control improves that I can basically not eat dinner all next week without questions.  Personally, that sounds fucking phenomenal. How great would it be if I was actually skinny when they got back?

Another good thing is that my birthday should pass by without event.  My mini celebration with family was a few days ago, and of course, the day was an absolute disaster.  It was significantly better than last year when my mom threatened to throw me in a mental institution, yelled at me, and then proceeded to take away my presents.  But that's in the past...and it won't happen this year since she's all the way across the country.  Therefore, I'm crossing my fingers that things go well, and I don't have to dread the day like I normally do.

P.S. one of these days I need to weigh myself, but I'm too afraid...maybe I'll do it while wearing a lot of clothing and holding a large textbook and go from there?...I just don't want to be disappointed even though that's guaranteed....fml.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Shitty Day

Before I go to bed (and yes, it's only 9pm), I just felt like briefly venting about my terrible day.  Since my family decided to have a mini birthday dinner for me today, I honestly should have known my day was going to be tragic.  My birthday, and anything that is related to it, usually causes problems and is cursed, I swear.  (So I'm dreading the actual day and keeping it a secret just in case).  Basically, I got chewed out at work for something that wasn't my fault.  I was so upset that I cried, which is embarrassing all in itself.  My coworkers felt bad for me, and my boss did a little bit even though he was the one gnawing on my emotions.  I'm just hoping tomorrow will be better.  It's unfortunate that I have to deal with the aftereffects and put in a lot of extra labor, hoping that my efforts will end up proving that the mistake that occurred ends up being negligible...but I'm cursed sooo...

Monday, June 13, 2011


I received the greatest of all compliments a few days ago (Saturday, to be exact).  My mom told me that I was "getting really skinny".  Wow.  I almost can't believe it, even typing it now.  Unfortunately, as amazing as that felt, I am still waiting for the day that I'm actually really skinny.  Because if you think about it, she could simply, and probably is, be comparing me to the whale that I was before.  So instead of being a whale, I'm more like a dolphin or maybe a small porpoise...Either way, I'm still large.

Moving on, something has been troubling me a little lately, and that's my increasing paranoia.  Everyone, I'm sure (though I don't know) has moments where they are paranoid, but I wonder sometimes how much is truly normal.  I always assume that when something bad happens, it's my fault, or if people are speaking in hushed voices, it's because they're talking about me.  But I think that's normal.  What mildly concerns me is the intense anxiety that I feel when, say, I'm boiling something or watching this vacuum filtration system (if you know what that shit) at work and imaging all the ways it's about to explode, splash all over me, shatter, and kill me.  I think the same thing when I'm in a car, driving over a bridge, on an airplane, etc.  I never used to have these little visions, but now I can't stop them.

Also, my dreams are always chaotic, creepy, and violent.  Flashes of horror cross my mind, and they don't go away no matter how hard I try to think of something else.  Eventually they fade and I fall asleep or else I am plagued by terrific nightmares the entire night.  I'm not sure why these thoughts overtake me, and I have no idea how to get them to go away.  Is this just normal, too?  Then again, I am the person who envisions herself offing herself on a daily basis...not that I'm planning on doing that (so no one worry yet), but the image itself does cross my mind quite frequently.  Like I said, I can't control my thoughts, and they're rather disturbing.

At least I'm not hearing voices.