Confusion

I'm so confused...confused about what I'm doing, confused about my future, confused about my life.  I used to think I had it all together.  I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do, but now I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to escape this "life" that I've created for myself.  Everything feels like it's out of control, which is probably because I haven't eaten as well these past few days.  I know that once I get this particular aspect of my life back together, I will feel much better.  I went to the grocery store and bought water, diet pop, antacids, and puffed wheat (my staples).  I also bought ice cream, took two bites, and then squirted it with febreeze.  It promptly went into the trash can along with half the other food I happened to have in my cabinets.  I think most of my money goes towards food that gets thrown away.

Sometimes I feel like I want help because I'm so miserable.  I haven't seen my friends in months...I think the last time was January actually.  I'm so used to solitude, but that doesn't mean I'm actually happy.  A part of me is scared about what I'm doing with my life and a part of me is scared about what I'd be doing if I was actually okay.  I'm afraid of change, even if I know deep down that's what I need.

I always inwardly roll my eyes when other girls complain about being hungry, thinking that they don't know what hunger really is.  I always thought I knew exactly what hunger meant and what full meant, but now I have no idea!  If I feel full after drinking too much water or diet pop, then I suddenly think I have consumed too much.  I just spent the past twenty minutes shoving my fingers down my throat, mostly because I drank a whole bottle of water.  But all that water made me feel so full, and I panicked.  So now I ask myself:  Do I really know what hunger and full really means?

And one more thought before I stop this long post.  I've clearly had way too much time to think sitting here in my apartment alone.  (My roommate is in Chicago for the weekend for a school thing).  I got so many compliments today at work.  I was all dressed up in heels, curled my long hair, did my make up, wore a high waisted skirt, cute top, etc.  I kind of felt okay looking (ish), but mostly I just felt fat.  I love my eyes and my cheekbones, but that's it.  A lot of people stare at me, and it makes me feel like they're judging me.  They're thinking, "Wow, she really needs to go on a diet," or "Look at that whale."  I wish they'd stop looking at me; I just want to be invisible.  Maybe I'm pretty like people tell me, but honestly, I think they're just trying to console me or make me feel less ugly.  I just kind of wish I could actually feel beautiful for once.  Doesn't everyone deserve that feeling?

Now I'm crying.

Thoughts

Arii inspired me yesterday, and my blog has been lacking somewhat in my deep thoughts.  Usually when I am on campus during the day waiting between my classes, I turn on Neville (my ipod) and start writing in my little secret journal.  What comes to mind is usually some obscure thought that I had, but I have occasionally written poems or compared myself to a bumble bee…yes, that has happened.  Perhaps if you get lucky, I’ll post that particular entry.  I was feeling very philosophical that day.

But what got me thinking was how Arii mentioned how some people are very into their eating disorder and criticize other people who act differently than themselves.  This is how I see it:  Everyone is unique, no one acts the same, and people should be expected to act differently.  There are some people who do not take pills, like I do (not drugs obviously but diet pills, diuretics, etc.), there are people who eat closer to 1000 calories a day (which is still considered unhealthy) as supposed to a lot less, and there are people who don’t feel guilty every time they eat yet still eat very little.  There are so many variations in what people do, but it does not make one person any more or less “disordered” than another.  Or rather, I should say it doesn’t make anyone more “wrong” because let’s face it, we all have a problem.  This is not a competition, after all.

There are always those girls who sign in to Pretty Thin, claiming to have a disorder when it is clear they do not.  But what brought them there in the first place?  I cannot think of any one of my friends creating an account there because they are, shall we say, normal.  At the same time, however, there are girls that really do see it as a trend or something cool to do.  I have personally never met what people call a “wannarexic,” but if those girls try to fast or do what we do, they will fail because ultimately, they don’t have a problem.  I don’t think an eating disorder can be “caught.”  It has to have the right environment to feed itself to begin with.

The point that I am trying to make is that I am very open to all of you, whether you have an eating disorder or whether you just enjoy reading my blog.  Either way, I value your advice, your commentary, and your appreciation.  If anyone ever needs a friend or someone to vent to, then please feel free to let me know.  I will never judge you, just as I appreciate not being judged.

And I failed today…I was at work and on the verge of passing out despite massive consumption of coffee, so with a nine hour shift, I decided to have a granola bar.  Fortunately, that is all I’ve had and all I’m planning on having, and I am going to work out with my roommate later.  Burning off a granola bar is not very difficult, and I’m sure I will still lose weight when I weigh myself tomorrow.  And naturally, I’m continuing the fast after today.  Sorry for the let down, but hey, it wasn’t a binge or anything at least!  And for you girls who have still been succeeding, good job!

Day 3

Alrighty, today I have eating nothing, but I have definitely consumed a lot of black coffee, water, vitamin water zero, and diet pop.  So I'm still succeeding with fast!  And I'm not hungry nor am I eating tonight, so I think I'm good to go.  For some reason, I think that fasting is sometimes easier than just eating very little because you have definite rules on what's okay and what's not when it comes to eating.  Plus, I don't have to calculate calories!  It's kind of an odd feeling not whipping out the calculator on my phone, but, hey, I'll take it.  And I just played 30 minutes of light tennis, and I'm going to do some crunches soon.  I didn't burn very many calories, but it's not like I consumed any either.

Tomorrow is day 4, and last time I fasted, I broke the fast after the fourth day...or was it on the fourth day? I don't remember exactly, but the number "4" is in my head either way.  But since I'm fasting for twenty days, I should be fine...I'm going to be strong and you girls who are fasting with me are AWESOME!!!! Thank you so much for all your motivation and encouragement; I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it.

I'm sorry this post is so boring, but I haven't had any epiphanies or exciting things happen to me...except my professor singing in class...that was a sight to see.

Fast Day 2

So if you take out the fact that I am still a fat pig, today was an excellent day!  This is for several reasons:  1) I didn't eat anything, 2) I worked out for 30 minutes, and 3) there's a potential boy in my life.  It's the second day of the fast, and honestly, I'm not even hungry.  I'm sure this won't last, as it never does, but it is a glorious feeling.  I've been sure to drink lots of water and take a multivitamin.  I kind of miss the hunger pains, though, because I always feel successful when my stomach growls.  Of course, that's assuming it doesn't growl (which it does) when it's quiet around me because that's just embarrassing.  It's too bad there's no way to silence an empty stomach...I mean, you can stifle a sneeze, quiet a cough, etc., but the stomach?  That little guy has a will of its own!

I felt so out of shape working out today though.  It's probably had something to do with my lack of eating, but still!  I was only on the elliptical, which can hardly be called working out as it is.  The elliptical is a wondrous machine for burning calories because you can go for a long time and it isn't rough on your joints.  However, it doesn't get you in shape at all.  But to be huffing and puffing on that thing?  Yeah, I have a long way to go to whipping myself back into shape.  Fortunately, I'm done with class tomorrow around 4, so I am going to work out again then.  There's this other gym that's much bigger that I like to go to during the day because it's sooo motivating.  I'm very exciting, and I desperately need to do a lot of ab exercises to fix these, um, "flabs" that I have going on.  If I'm going to be seeing this boy in a few weeks (he's not in the area), then I need to make sure I look good!

And to anyone who's doing the fast (if anyone???), then good luck and please let me know how you're doing!  We can stay strong together :)

Day 1

I'm currently listening to "Courage" by Superchick, which I highly suggest people download because it is one of my new favorite songs.  I'll have to add it to my little playlist thing on the side of my blog at some point.  Today is the first day of the fast, and I am dreading having to turn down two social engagements already.  Why does everything involve food?  I was really kind of looking forward to the whole "smoke while watching Life" thing today until I discovered there is a potluck being attached to it because, as we know, people have a tendency to get the munchies.  But to have all that food already there?!  I don't know if I could handle that or at least don't want to have to expend so much energy convincing people I don't really want it.  So for that, I am claiming to still have a fever, which I did have yesterday for a little while in the morning.  Also, I was invited to brunch earlier, but I only just awoke an hour ago...I guess I really was exhausted.  I don't want people to think I'm playing the sympathy card here, but I think the emotions of last week with my friend dying and whatnot really did take its toll on my body.  I try to not express emotions, so crying so much was kind of a shock to my system.  My mom managed to get sick, too, so I'm sure this isn't uncommon.

This is the part of not eating that bothers me sometimes because there are so many social things that I just cannot do, and when I refused to go out in high school my friends got the counselor and nurse involved. Fortunately, they can't do that here, and I have a different set of friends now anyway since I'm in college and away from home.  But I hate always losing friends because they don't understand; they probably think I don't like them.  But this has nothing to do with them, and yet I can't really explain it thoroughly without revealing this slight little problem that I have.  I want a clean slate and have desperately been trying to keep everything hidden so as not to go through what I did in high school, but this path always leaves broken friendships behind in its wake.  It's kind of sad knowing that nothing will ever last, and every friendship is doomed to fail.  I wish I could have a best friend, but I know I'll never let anyone get that close to me ever again.

On the bright side, I haven't eaten yet!  Granted, I've only been up for an hour but still!