Diets

I've been kind of bored with my eating of late, and I don't think I've been doing a good job.  I have been eating so much over the past few days.  Yesterday, I had a lean cuisine (160 cals) and then went to work out for 40 minutes.  That was fine, but then I had some spinach, which was probably around 100 calories.  I ended the day around 400 total after I included my vitamins and yogurt from earlier, but it's a ridiculous amount of food that I stuffed myself with.  And today was not any better, since I had about 400 calories AGAIN!  What is wrong with me?

I've been looking up various diets, and I want to do something fun.  Therefore, I have decided that I am starting the Rainbow Diet on Monday (Martin Luther King Day).  It is much less common than the ABC diet, so for anyone who doesn't know this one, I will spell it out for you:

Monday (white):

Breakfast:  1/2 apple (40.5 cals)

Lunch:  1/2 apple (40.5 cals)

Dinner:  1 cucumber (24 cals)

Total:  104 cals

Tuesday (yellow):

Breakfast:  1 banana (108.5 cals)

Lunch:  1 banana (108.5 cals)

Dinner:  1/2 cup of corn (66 cals)

Total:  283 cals

Wednesday (FAST)

Total:  0 cals

Thursday (orange):

Breakfast:  1/2 orange (31 cals)

Lunch:  1/2 orange (31 cals)

Dinner:  1 carrot (26 cals)

Total:  88 cals

Friday (red):

Breakfast:  1/2 cup strawberries (21.5 cals)

Lunch:  1/2 cup strawberries (21.5 cals)

Dinner:  1/2 red pepper (16 cals)

Total:  59 cals

Saturday (purple/blue):

Breakfast:  10 blueberries (8 cals)

Lunch:  10 blueberries (8 cals)

Dinner:  10 raspberries (24 cals)

Total:  40 cals

Sunday (green):

Breakfast:  1/2 cup of grapes (57 cals)

Lunch:  1/2 cup of grapes (57 cals)

Dinner:  1 cup of lettuce (7 cals)

Total:  121 cals

Weekly Total:  696 cals!

I think that this would be a great diet to shed some more pounds, especially since I want to go shopping next weekend.  I'll probably do the grocery shopping for the diet Sunday or Monday, and I will have lots of fresh fruits and vegetables left over for the next week.  Fortunately, those kinds of foods are not full of unwanted calories so I won't feel so bad if I eat a blueberry or two after the diet is over.  I have not made up my mind 100% yet, but I'm pretty sure that this is my next course of action.  If anyone wants to join me, let me know!  It would be great to have some company :)

Thoughts

While I was treating myself to a yogurt earlier today during my awkward hour break between classes, I had these random thoughts that I wrote down to kill time:

"I don't really like feeling like this.  I would give anything to feel like a typical 20-year-old college student who doesn't feel like her world is crumbling apart.  But those aren't the cards I was dealt.  I don't like to think that I chose this fate for myself, but I'm sure that's how the world would view it.  I'm not alone though.  There are a lot of other girls like me who suffer just as I do.  The problem is:  we suffer in silence.  Sure, we have forums, chat rooms, blogs, but we never actually know each other.  We don't know what makes each other smile, what makes us cry, and and what we want most in life.  All we know is what our numbers were that day and how much more we have to lose.

"I used to think that I would do everything within reason to lose weight.  But now I am fully aware that I was only deluding myself.  Now I know the truth:  I will do anything to lose weight.  The long term effects of my actions are not completely lost on me, but they don't bother me enough to really care.

"Sometimes I think that I'm walking through life in a trance.  It's like an out-of-body experience.  I'm in such pain, and my mind feels on the verge of shattering that I can't believe that this could possibly truly be me.  How could I have morphed form a happy little girl to this sick and twisted shell of a body?  Where does time go, I wonder...I don't know when my last life ended and this began.  It feels like this life is all I've ever known.

"Maybe, perhaps, in my far distant future, I will finally know how it feels to wake up one morning, full of life and energy, with the morning rays shining on my face.  I will be eager for the day to begin, as if I'm living the dream.  But instead, I wake up, begging the dream to continue, and pleading for my eyes to remain closed as the hum of the birds singing turns into a sharp screech and gentle rays of the sun are burning my eyelids, enhancing the dull throbbing of my head as I drift back to consciousness.  All dreaming ends, and eventually I have to accept that it is a new day.  I am once again torn away from my dream land, knowing it will be a full day before I can return to my temporary world of peace.  But for now, I must battle another wave of dizziness that threatens to overcome me as I slowly rise out of bed like a corpse.

"And the pain begins."

Clearly, I like to write, since I managed to write all that as I was sitting in a cafe and trying to ignore the headache that was raging.  I had other random thoughts later, but those probably won't be written down until I'm super bored again.  And I should probably get rid of that page of random thoughts from my notebook...just in case someone sees it.  

Til next time.

Discovery

Wow!  Today I made a miraculous discovery.  It all started when I had one of my typical raging headaches.  They're really strange, but it makes me feel like my head is on fire.  Unfortunately, laying down doesn't really appease it.  Does anyone else ever get those?  I called my mom, and she reminded me that I should make sure I'm taking vitamins, especially iron since I'm anemic.  After pulling myself together, I made a trip to the grocery store and bought chewable (because I'm too lazy to swallow pills) vitamins, calcium, sugar-free jello, sugar-free red bull, egg beaters, spinach, fat free parmesan cheese, and my current life saver - bouillon cubes.  

Now, before I begin my rant on how great bouillon cubes are, did anyone know that vitamins have calories?  It's ridiculous!  I picked up a bottle of fish oil because I heard it's supposed to be really good for you, and I was curious as to why that was.  On the label, it mentioned how it helps with coronary things, yadda yadda, but what caught my eye was that it boosts your mood.  And who doesn't need a little mood boosting in this frigid winter?  But when I looked at the nutritional facts, I realized that it has ten calories per pill...and you're supposed to take it three times daily.  That's thirty calories right there.  I'm already taking calcium chews (20 cal/chew and 2x daily) and vitamins (5 cal 1x daily).  I just can't add all that on without taking into consideration all the food I eat and gum I chew on top of that.

Moving on.

Everyone needs to learn the miracle food that is the bouillon cube.  I bought chicken flavored ones, but they also manufacture beef flavored ones that I will try next.  One cube is only 5 calories, and it turns plain water into a delicious and filling meal.  If you heat about a cup or two of water and add a bouillon cube (chicken or beef), then you will be full.  I felt amazing.  I heard about it before and decided to try it out on a whim while leisurely strolling through Kroger aisles and being revolted by all the food.  Since my roommate was around, I decided to whip up some egg beaters, spinach, and parmesan cheese (150 calories), but I only ate half of it.  And I made sure to eat the spinach first, so I'm not really sure if that was even 75 calories since I barely at any egg, if any at all really.

But I kind of feel like I binged a little today...I had calcium and vitamins (50 cal), gum (15 cal), bouillon cube broth (5 cal), red bull (10 cal), sugar-free jello (10), half my egg concoction (75 cal), a third of an apple (40 cal), and chicken soup with five saltines (200 cal - eek!)...making my total for the day 405 calories.  Ugh, I really need to do better tomorrow I think.

Anyway, let me know if anyone has any other miraculous ideas like the bouillon cubes, which were sadly not my original invention.  

And remember, bouillon cubes = AMAZING!

Just Another Day

Today went by pretty quickly, which thrills me.  I'm hoping that the next few days will fly by so that the weekend comes in no time.  I have the tendency to think to myself, "Oh, it's Tuesday!  That means that tomorrow is Wednesday, which is the middle of the week, meaning it's almost Thursday, which means it's almost Friday, and BAM!  It's the weekend."  It's a common thought process that constantly floats through my brain.  In reality, Tuesday is not that far into the week, but hey, whatever keeps me going.  

Since this weekend is a three day weekend, I'm trying to come up with my game plan.  I know that all of my friends will be partying and drinking most of the time, and I already have a party that I have to attend on Saturday night.  As everyone knows, alcohol has a lot of calories, which I don't really like to deal with.  Fortunately, I don't like beer, and vodka has a lot less fat and whatnot.  My plan is to fast from Friday through Monday, workout each day, and drink vodka with some diet coke on Saturday.  Then, I can just carry around a drink, not eat anything, and enjoy myself.  Maybe my tolerance for alcohol will go down a lot with the fasting, and two shots of vodka will be plenty...that would allow me to end the day with less than 200 calories.  Very ideal.

Today I didn't eat anything, except half a stick of sugarfree gum, until 6 pm.  I had a lean cuisine, sugarfree jello, and some pickles, bringing me to 195 calories.  I was so tempted just to skip the lean cuisine, but my roommate was home.  I didn't want to rouse suspicion since tomorrow she might be curious as to why I'm not eating while we're home, as I don't have class until almost 3 pm.  Oh well, I'll just lie like I always do.

Anyway, I'm going to take a steaming hot shower, do some laundry, drink some tea, and go to bed.  I have class early in the morning before I have the long stretch until the second class in the afternoon.  I hope people are reading the blog, and please feel free to leave comments!  I know that the posts have probably not been that exciting, but my day has been pretty uneventful.  Perhaps something will spice up tomorrow!  

Fat

The other night I had a dream that I ate a huge ice cream sundae. I think it had cookie dough in it, too, because that's one of my favorites. But obviously, I would never eat that without a) throwing it up afterwards, b) not eating anything for a week later, or c) working out for several hours until it's been fully burned off. However, when I woke up in the morning, I literally thought I had eaten an entire tub of ice cream. It was impossible, though, because I'm 99% sure that I didn't sleep walk all the way to a grocery store, buy ice cream, consume the entire thing, and not manage to wake my roommate or break something. But that's irrelevant. The point is that even the thought of food disgusts me.

I work in a cafe, and I am surrounded by food, much to my irritation. There's piles and piles of sandwiches, salads, muffins, bagels, etc., all of which are full of calories. Even the salads are bad for you. Our cobb salad has 770 calories! That's more than I eat in a couple of days...gross. And that doesn't even include dressing. And on top of that, we sell lattes, mochas, and blended drinks that are capped with heaps of whipped cream. Now, I'm all for coffee because I drink black coffee like it is my job (and it kind of is), but it boggles my mind how someone will order a large specialty drink with WHOLE milk and whipped cream.

Recently, one of our cafes has decided to start selling pizza rolls and chili cheese fries. This means that a student can come up, with their meal plan, and get, let's say, two pizza rolls, a massive chocolate chip muffin, and a coke...aka lard and a heart attack on a plate. Lovely.  

Oh, the future of America.

And while all I ate today was some sushi, a few pickles, and a stick and a half of gum (which feels like a lot to me), I feel reviled with myself for just smelling the concoctions we're whipping up in our cafe. Does anyone else feel this way?

Introduction

*Not for anyone who is not pro ana, mia, or any other eating disorder*

I've never done this before, but I thought that starting a blog would be a great way for me to express myself.  There are a few things that you should know about me before I begin.  Firstly, I am a 20 year old college student studying chemistry.  I have only a vague idea of what I want to do after graduation, and I know that the next couple of quarters are going to fly by.  Before I know it, I am probably going to be another college graduate, struggling and failing to find employment.  But that isn't one of my biggest concerns for the moment.  The one thing that completely rules my life is my weight.  The fat that I can feel all over my body tortures me, and I will do anything to make it go away.  Thus, I am starting this blog to catalog my triumphs and failures with ana.

I weight 157.0 lbs, as of this morning (after drinking several cups of water, tea, and other zero calorie beverages).  That's one of the higher weights for me, and I am bound and determined to reduce that number.  Ideally, breaking 100 would be amazing, but I want to be realistic and set short-term goals first.  I am 5'7" and have a lot of muscle, which tends to make me look like I weigh less than I do.  That would be nice, except that I still look huge anyway.  When I weighed closer to 130 lbs, I would constantly be told how I should be a model.  Apparently, these people forgot that models are about 6 inches taller than me.  But that is beside the point.  I have a pretty face, and I am proud of it.  Unfortunately, you can't go around in life as a floating head, and there in lies my current dilemma.  After high school, I have never truly felt beautiful, and it's killing me.

Back in the day, I was great at dieting.  I always skipped breakfast, I threw away the lunch my mom packed me for school (wasteful, I know), and I ate mainly fruit for dinner.  I thrived on getting sick, so that I would have an excuse to only eat popsicles for several days and lose a few more pounds.  Eventually, my friends caught on.  And they told the guidance counselor, and other teachers seemed to get the idea as well.  The nurse took an interest and started weighing me on a weekly basis.  I came up with excuse as to why my weight would drop five pounds in just a few days.  She didn't believe me, but sadly I've never been skeletal so there was no need for them to worry in the first place.

Now here I am three years later, and I have never told a single soul about what happened in high school.  It wasn't a big deal, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to confide in.  My issues with food have bothering me for as long as I can remember.  I vaguely recall feeling overweight in fourth grade, and no, I was not one of the chubby kids.

Here's my statistics and future plans:

Height:  5'7"

CW:  157.0 lbs

HW:  ~190 lbs 

LW:  125 lbs

GW1:  140 lbs by March 15, 2010

UGW:  99 lbs

I hope you will enjoy following me on my journey, and please, if you are not pro ana, mia, or any other kind of eating disorder, then do not follow this blog.