Saturday, October 23, 2010

I think I was being overly sensitive yesterday because my roommate is talking to me again today and we're going out tonight.  I bought chardonnay (delicious) to drink tonight; white wine is good for you.  We went shopping a little bit to look around for things to wear, but of course, nothing fit me....well, that's kind of a lie.  Things fit me, but I just don't like how I looked in the clothing.  Without a car, I have to go to the only two available stores on my college campus, and they are filled with the kind of clothing that just isn't good for my body.  It tried on larges in everything, and it was all too big.  I knew it would be, but for some reason I just can't pick up a medium.  It's a mental thing, maybe.  I'm afraid that if I try on a medium, it will be way too small.  But logically, since the larges were way too big...whatever.

So I'm probably just going to wear pants, a sweater, a usual.  I have to cover every inch of skin I have for some unknown reason.  I mean, I can't wear short sleeves for obvious reasons, but my legs are just hideous, so naturally, I can't wear a skirt or dress unless I have on tights as well.  I prefer to wear jeans that are stretched out so that no one can see my form, and oversized sweaters are excellent.  I feel so exposed if I only have on one layer of clothing.  And while I get compliments on my clothes and outfits during the day, my friends (the few that I have) don't like it when I wear such conservative clothing to bars.  They say that's why I don't get hit on, but I think the reason I don't get hit on is because I unconsciously give off this, "Stay the fuck away from me," vibe.  I do have a tendency to assume every guy at a bar is a creep because they're at a bar...which is ridiculous because so am I.  So I continue to look down on them as I sip my chardonnay or kettle one and wonder why no decent guy is hitting on me.  I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.

And I'm sorry about the whole razor thing.  I really do wish I could stop that, but it's already sitting beside me because I feel like such a fuck up right now.  I'll try not to mention it too much so that you don't feel the need to worry, but I'd like to thank you for all your support regardless.  I'll definitely let you know if I need someone to talk to.  Because I can't tell anyone around me since once the cat's out of the bag you can't stuff it back in, but it would be nice just to have someone to confide in.



I feel like I have no friends.  There are people that I talk to, joke around with, see during the day...but when it comes down to actual friends, I have almost none.  My one friend is out of town this weekend, and now I don't know who to turn to.  Even my roommate doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.  I don't blame her, though, because truthfully, I don't even want to hang out with me.  It really sucks that I'm stuck with myself.

So my weekend has been reduced to one of work, studying (or staring at a book confusedly for a few hours), and practicing self destruction.  Speaking of which, I was perusing cvs because I needed contact solution, and I was going to look for something to snake our shower drain.  There wasn't anything there for the latter, but the aisle coincidentally had something that looked suspiciously like an exacto blade.  Naturally, that peaked my interest, and I found single razor blades next to it.  I bought them.  This was probably both a good and bad's definitely better than a knife but it cuts skin much easier so I should be somewhat careful.  I've just been sitting at my computer, listening to soft music with a tiny light on my desk, playing with this little baby blade, and staring as red just slowly seeps upwards.  It's oddly (and morbidly) fascinating.  I sound so creepy right now...

What's especially odd about me is the fact that I don't seem like the type to do this.  My coworkers always say I look like a fashion major, waltzing around in my sweaters, lacey garments, elaborate necklaces, and fancy scarves.  I laugh loudly, make sarcastic jokes, study my ass off, and act like a "classy" (not my own words) college girl.  And then I turn around, start cutting myself, still starving, sometimes bingeing and purging, abusing laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, sometimes ipecac...I don't even know who I am anymore.  Which person is real?  The one who acts (pretends?) cheerful and like she loves life or the one who spills her feelings on this blog, in journals, and in poems?  This is what I feel and it seems real, but...I'm just lost.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

(Sigh) Fail

First off, thanks for all your wonderful input.  The color scheme is definitely staying the same because I think it's easy on the eyes and I'm definitely not a big fan of over decoration.  So I'll just brainstorm some subtle touches and finessing this weekend to make everything a little nicer, while staying simple.

Secondly, my first day of liquid fast was a failure.  I didn't eat much, and to be honest, I wasn't really feeling the fast 100 percent.  I caved at work and had sushi for's nice that I crave sushi every time I work.  I mean, let's be honest, if you're going to crave something to eat then isn't it nice when it's healthy, less than 250 calories, and filled with protein?  Thank god I'm a sushi whore.  I'll never get sick of it since we have four different kinds anyway.  And none of them have cream cheese or other ridiculously fattening additives...I know the calorie counts anyway.

And I have a story for you about work today, but I think I should put it off until tomorrow so this post isn't obnoxiously long.  It's just kind of a funny anecdote.  But on another side note, has everyone decided what to be for Halloween yet?  I don't want to dress slutty since I like to cover my body completely in my self conscious way, but I'm thinking about being Spongebob.  I need a red tie, a Spongebob t shirt, brown trouser shorts, white knee socks...okay so everything required for the costume. My roommate wants to be the three little pigs and have someone be a wolf, which is a fantastic idea.  That would be a different night, but I'll have to find something that has long sleeves without getting her disapproval.  She hates that I wear sweaters out and refuse to take them off, but I officially can't wear short sleeves considering the state of my arms.  I do have a long sleeve petal pink shirt...hmmm...

What are you being?  I'd love to hear!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010


I feel like my blog needs a little decoration, but I don't know what yet.  If anyone has idea, feel free to let me know!  I won't be changing anything for a while since I'm so swamped by all my homework and things, but it's in the back of mind nonetheless.

Also, I'm starting a fast tomorrow for a week, but to be honest it's probably going to quickly turn into a liquid fast.  This is for several reasons:  1) it's easier to continue for a long time, 2) your metabolism stays up a little longer, and 3) there's a 99 percent chance I'll be drinking this weekend.  I feel like those are all quality reasons, and it's hard for me to be at work in a coffee shop for hours and hours at a time without eating anything.  It's just so tempting, especially the sushi, but if I have a soy latte then I should be fine.

Oh and I'm going to wear my new sweater tomorrow!  I'm very excited about this...maybe a hot med student will like it and flirt with me.  Maybe they flirt anyway, but I'm oblivious.  And I'm frequently told that even when I like a guy I don't make it seem like I do.  My mom continues to tell me that I need to "throw them a bone," but I don't like putting myself out there like that.  It makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't want to look desperate or pathetic.  No wonder I'm still single...

Shopping sucks

I love clothes and shopping and everything, but I have to say it can be extremely irritating sometimes.  When I went with my mom (it was a great day, by the way), I couldn't find anything.  I did find one random sweater, but considering how many things I tried on and how many stores we explored...maybe I just have a strange body type.  I have a very tiny waist, which is the only part of me that I'm proud of when it comes to my body, but I also have a good sized chest (C cups) and a "bubble" butt.  And while guys supposedly like that, and maybe I wouldn't care so much if I was smaller as a whole, but clothes are never made for the hourglass figure.  Sure, they claim to be, but they're totally not.  If the apparel fits my butt, then it's too big in the legs or huge on my waist.  And if the sweater or shirt fits my chest, the rest of it is really baggy...obnoxiously so.  Or things are just too short.  I'm 5'7", which isn't super tall, but I prefer my shirts to be a bit longer anyway.

(Sigh) I guess tailoring is the thing for me, but who wants to buy something and have it not fit at the time of purchase???  The only two items that I fell in love with were a red hat with a giant black bow on it and a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous!, faux fur coat.  The hat was amazing because it was a little bigger on my head, which I like since I'm a big fan of teasing my hair, so it kind of naturally creates that effect by just being a larger hat.  And the coat was just...I can't even put it in words.  Sadly, they were just too expensive.  The hat was well within my budget range, but I wasn't going to spend that amount for a hat. A sweater?  Sure.  Pants?  Shit yes.  A hat?  Hell no...tempting, though.  I'd also love another pair of boots, but I feel like good ones are hard to find because I like when there's a lot of space between the boot and my calf.  I have big calves...okay, I just have big everything and wish I didn't.  One day...