Just a Dream

I'm a slave. We're all slaves. Slaves to our mind, slaves to our body, and slaves to the world around us. Despite how much we say we have free will, there are so many outside forces that prevent us from ever truly being free.

Maybe some of us are weighed down by more chains than others. Perhaps we have simply not found the key to unlock our personal shackles.

Still I dare to dream of a day when I wake up without a ball and chain. It may be more than I can expect, but I already live in a world filled with dreams so how much can one more hurt?

I feign ignorance in an attempt to live a life without boundaries. I pretend not to care about what's going on around me. I pretend not to have feelings, not to have plans, not to have a future. But I think, and I feel, and I cry all the time...on the inside. I'm like the calm before the storm.

For now, all I can do is stretch the shackles as far as they'll allow and hope that one day I'll finally break free if it's not too much to ask. But after all, it's just a dream.

Why?

I've thought a lot about why I have so many problems. The thoughts that run through my head are disturbing at best, and my bizarre dreams are reflections on that. When I was little, I never really dreamed of being a princess, whisked away by a handsome prince who saved her from a medieval castle to live happily ever after. No, I had dreams that I was a master assassin or bounty hunter, known for being the best. In my dream, I could hide in the shadows, leap across buildings, and hit my mark with absolute precision. I'm not a violent person, and I would never kill anyone. I don't even like killing insects. So why did I always have these fantasies about being a warrior? Maybe I just wanted to be strong and feel like nothing could ever hurt me.

But there's other things that bother me. From what I've read, doctors and psychiatrists always say that people who suffer from, say, depression, or eating disorders are in such states because of the stress happening in their lives. A lot of times people have serious problems or never had a good family life. Some people were abused or have parents that have substance addictions. But I never had that. My mom and dad are still madly in love with one another, and I come from a very tight knit family. I love both my parents dearly. My older brother is the typical protective sibling who never likes the idea of me talking to any male, and my little brother is the comic relief and I feel like he's my best friend whenever I come home from college over breaks. I'm sure we drive my mom crazy with our banter. My family belongs to a country club, and my mom always wants me to wear nice clothes, especially ones from J. Crew. She loves it when I wear pearls, trousers, cardigans, etc. I tend to have two styles...that one and my Anthropologie addiction. It's one of my favorite stores; everything is so detailed and unique. It's too bad I don't have a bottomless wallet or else I would shop there all the time.

My point here is that I feel so guilty when I hear about all these obstacles that other people face in life. I have no reason to complain, no reason to be sad, and no reason to have any type of mental problem. My life should be considered perfect, but for some reason I feel as though it's always falling apart.

Spring Break

Okay, so here's the deal. I leave on spring break in exactly 15 days, so I'm pretty much going to be counting down every day. I'm going to Arizona with my roommate to visit my grandparents in a retirement community just outside of Phoenix. And during that week that we will be basking in the desert, we're also going to take a weekend trip to see my Aunt and Uncle in L.A. I'm really excited for this, but I desperately need to lose weight...about 10 pounds. I told my roommate that we're going to eat healthily and work out a lot in order to lose, ahem, five pounds before we leave. Of course, what I really meant was that I'm going to not really eat, work out a lot, and lose at least 10 pounds before we leave. I couldn't say that aloud, for obvious reasons. Sometimes I forget that most people would not think it possible to lose that much weight in such a short amount of time, but I see it as a completely reasonable goal. Those same people would say something along the lines of, "Well, you could lose that much, but you'd probably have to starve." Well, duh! I will never understand people who don't know how to lose weight. It's really simple. Don't eat.

So, I will feverishly track my progress and see how things go. I've already had some frozen grapes, some broccoli, and am currently eating cauliflower. It feels like a lot of food, but at least it's still less than 300 calories. I worked out earlier, but I'm going again since I will be tanning tonight and the gym is in the same building. I figure I might as well make use of my time, and it's not like I'm doing anything else productive. Also, I took one of my diet pills earlier, and I'm probably going to take the other one really soon. Hopefully it won't ruin my attempt to sleep tonight since I'm going to bed in just a few hours...early class.

By the way, I just downloaded the soundtrack from Fame, and I highly suggest it. I really love the songs, and it reminds me of all those skinny bitches from the movie. I'm sooo jealous of how skinny dancers are. My roommate kept saying how she wished she were a dancer except that "they're probably all anorexic." Ugh. I hate it when people make comments like that about things they don't understand. Anorexia and other eating disorders are not jokes! Geez...I mean, I'm not anorexic because 1) I'm not a stick and 2) I can't fast for more than 4 days. Plus, I don't think I really have a problem; I'm just a good dieter. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I don't have an eating disorder of some sort. But regardless, my roommate made several comments like that throughout the day (this was Sunday), and it was really frustrating. I would just awkwardly laugh and agree. She's said before how she could never be anorexic because she likes food too much and doesn't understand how some girls could just not eat. Yeah, I thought that way once too...back when I was a freshman in high school. So, seven years ago maybe? Things sure can change quickly. I feel like I just woke up one morning and finally had the will power to just not eat. That little voice in the back of my head that screamed every time I picked up a piece of food finally won, and I just couldn't motivate myself to eat anything or to eat much. And the voice is growing stronger again. I'm pretty sure I won't be eating tomorrow. Sometimes I just have no desire, and I never want to until dinner time anyway. Lately, I have the hardest time deciding to eat anything because I wake up every morning thinking I'm going to fast. It works well until about 6 p.m., at which I have some fruit, pickles, or steamed veggies. Or apparently, fruit and vegetables. I'm disgusting.

Okay, I'm going to go burn off all these gross vegetables that I've stuffed myself with.

Confused!

I've been riding an emotional roller coaster lately, and it's really frustrating. One moment I feel so alone and like I'm completely isolated from society. I don't have a tight knit group of friends because I flit around between large groups of people, never letting anyone get too close. I can't tell if my cheery facade is real, if I'm actually happy but making myself think I'm depressed, or am I truly twisted and just smile to hide what's really going on in my head? I no longer can tell what's real and what's not. I keep a written journal, too, that I write in throughout the day, and none of the entries would ever be written by a normal 20 year old college student with no deep emotional problems. But still, I find it so difficult to accept that I could potentially have something wrong with me. I guess I'd rather just ignore the problem and pretend like everything is fine than face the truth. My dreams and illusions are so much easier to handle than the suicidal and masochistic tendencies that I tend to exude throughout my daily life.

Does anyone else feel like that sometimes? I feel like it's all just in my head...no pun intended...but, of course, it is technically all in my head regardless haha.

And I wanted to thank everyone who reads this blog. It's just nice to be able to vent out some frustrations sometimes because I have no one else to turn to. Hopefully, my emotional downward spiraling does not end up becoming too overwhelming, but I haven't hit rock bottom yet. I think I was worse for a while back in high school, but I'm definitely headed in that direction fast. At least then I had a friend to talk to...oh well, I'll just have to be strong. I just feel so lost right now.