Saturday, January 23, 2010


I did well today. I drank black coffee all day, chewed a stick and a half of sugar-free gum, took my vitamins and calcium (+ diet pill), and had butternut squash soup with saltines for dinner. The overall total was 330 calories, so I definitely made it under the 400 calorie mark. Tomorrow is 200 calories, so it will be a bit trickier. Fortunately, I work during lunch so I can lie that I had a big lunch and wait to eat until later as usual. Sometimes I am just so thankful for working in a cafe, despite the vile food that surrounds me. But I have to admit, the "free meal" that I should be getting pays off in the end so that I don't rouse suspicion. And I am so happy that I lost any of the weight that I gained during my ridiculous 3-day binge spree last weekend. Since I'm not going out tonight, I won't be hung over...meaning that I won't binge either. If I keep this up, then I should lose another five or ten pounds in the next two weeks.



I usually post later in the day, but I couldn't help the thoughts that were running through my head as I was cleaning my room earlier. I am fortunate to have a roommate that respects personal space at the moment because I realized that I have many things around my room that would be detrimental to my life if she were to find them. My mom has found diet pills before that I kept stashed underneath my mattress. She also found a letter from one of my friends in high school who was telling me that I could talk to her about anything...depression, eating disorders, etc. Fortunately, I was at college when these discoveries occurred, so by the time I came home for break, the panic it had set off in my mother was greatly lessened. I thought I hid things well, and who would have thought that my mom would decide to clean everything on my bed while I was away, including lifting the mattress? I don't keep anything stashed there anymore.

Clearly, however, I have not learned my lesson. I have this blog, for example, diet pills in my purse, apple cider vinegar under my bed, a membership to Pretty Thin, and a whole binder dedicated to Ana. Sometimes when I need inspiration, I write my thoughts down and put it in the binder, or I copy quotes, diet recipes, tips and tricks, etc. It helps me stay motivated, but it would ruin everything if it were found. I have even left it out in the open on occasion -- or rather, frequently. But as I said, my roommate doesn't just open things up that aren't hers, and I am very grateful for that. I would never look at her personal things either, but there are a lot of prying people out there so you never know sometimes.

I am an extremely private person. The only person that I tell my problems to is my mom, but I still lie about most things to her. Is it really terrible that I have grown to be an exceptional liar? Sometimes I think I should pursue acting because of it. Anyway, I don't like to for people to worry or meddle in things that do not affect their life. As such, I simply cannot confide in anyway because past experience has taught me that friends cannot just let things go. They won't just let you vent and be understanding. Instead, they decide to make you a charity case, always asking to see what you've eaten or how you're feeling...or if you're really unlucky, as I was in high school, they may seek professional guidance (ugh). People fear what they don't understand, and I would definitely be a puzzle.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I felt like posting something deep today.

And it's the fourth day of the ABC diet, so it's a 400 calorie limit. I haven't had anything except my daily vitamins and calcium and a special treat (ie. diet pill).

Friday, January 22, 2010

Going Strong

Today was great. I had wanton soup for lunch and coffee for dinner, leaving me under the 300 calorie mark fortunately. I was worried that it would be too difficult because I had lunch with a friend today, but since I wasn't feeling well earlier this week, I blamed my soup eating on a sore throat. I really should pull that one more often. It's perfect.

Tomorrow I am going to try to stay away from my apartment as much as possible. Being in such close proximity with the kitchen always causes problems on the weekends, especially since I have nothing better to do than watch tv and be a bum. Last weekend I binged horribly, but I am not going to this time. I blame my problem on being hung over last Sunday, so if I don't drink this Saturday then I should be fine anyway.

At work today we were talking about diet foods and how a lot of people say that they're worse for you than regular foods...what do you think? My view is that I would rather be thinner and taking in all kinds of chemicals than fat and eating the regular cuisine. Of course, most of the food you buy in stores in chemically processed anyway, whether it's diet or full fat. I understand that diet pop is not great for you either, but it's such a good appetite suppressant for me that I just can't stop drinking it. Maybe I should try drinking more tea and see how that goes...Plus, I figure that if I were fat, then I would have heart problems, high cholesterol, and the most obvious dilemma of being a grotesque life form. Therefore, I will take my chances with diet foods and deal with the effects later. Considering all the extremes I take with dieting already, I really don't think that splenda is going to be my biggest problem.

400 calories tomorrow! (that feels like so much, right?!) I can't wait for the 100 calorie day...I wonder if I will even be motivated to eat at that point because I wasn't really feeling it today. Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day Two

Wow, I really need to come up with better titles for my post...

Today is my second day on the ABC diet, and fortunately I'm still succeeding. Of course, the first two days are the easiest since the calorie limit is so high. Tomorrow will be a bit tricker, however, since I'm having lunch with a friend. I'm probably going to pull the "I'm not feeling that well" excuse, especially since I already told him I was sick on Wednesday for similar reasons. I think it would make sense then that I'm not fully better.

I'm so happy to be getting back on track. I was practically giddy with excitement earlier, but truly there is no better feeling than being hungry. I love hearing my stomach growl (when no one else is around). But it's definitely a problem when your stomach starts making noises when you're around other people. I remember a few weeks ago when I was on a fast, and my stomach growled. My friend looked at me and was like, "Are you hungry?" It was so embarrassing! I told her that my stomach just likes to make noises, but she gave me a funny look. And so, of course, the next day she wants to have lunch and I claim I already had a muffin. She asks me if I really did, and I said, "Yes, it was blueberry and delicious." Now, did I actually eat a muffin? No, but she doesn't need to know that. She's a really good friend and doesn't ask too many questions, which I really appreciate, especially since she's my roommate for next year.

Right now, I am sitting on my computer listening to "inspirational" music -- some of which I have posted on my blog. I'll have to add to that list soon since I have found some other good ones.

I also wanted to mention how jealous I am of those girls who are tiny and have exceptional metabolisms. You know which ones I'm talking about? Yesterday at work, there was this girl who went on break with: two pepporoni rolls, a rice krispie treat covered in chocolate, flavored green tea (has calories in it), AND potato chips. How can she eat that and still be so tiny? Then my boss, who is a guy, started talking about how she's so lucky that she has a great metabolism like that and how girls would be so jealous...I wanted to die. Here I am eating less food in a week than she eats in a sitting, and she's still skinnier than me. Granted she's about a foot shorter, but still! Life is so unfair.

But just wait. In a few weeks, I WILL be one of those girls that people look at and wonder how they're so skinny. I won't be eating lots of food, and it won't come naturally. But it will come, nonetheless.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day One

I've finally had some success...if you can call it that. Today was my first day on the ABC diet, and I made the 500 calorie limit. It would have been really depressing if I missed it, especially since I usually am under that number anyway. My main goal this week is to lose 5 lbs, work out every day, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. For the past few days, I have been practically nocturnal, and that doesn't work well for me. There's really no excuse for it, but I guess I just fell into a cycle.

Tomorrow I am supposed to eat less than 500 calories as well (which I will do). I am busier during the day, so I probably won't eat anything until at least 5 or 6 tomorrow night anyway. Also, and some people may be very against these, I have some diet pills that I think I will start taking again. It's really just a green tea kind of thing to help boost your metabolism, and mine definitely needs some boosting.

Anyway, I am hoping to see some results by the weekend, and I am going to head off to bed now before I get a second wind. Sorry for the boring post again!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I'm failing at life.

There are few things that can be controlled completely in this world. Most things are out of your hands. It's true that you can work hard, get good grades, strive for perfection, but that still never guarantees your success. I am a third year college student whose grades have plummeted since high school, during which I had over a 4.0. What happened? I used to have my life in so much more control back then, and I think I know the correlation: I was skinny. It's simple to me, really. Once I am able to exact such self discipline in one area of my life, surely I can be disciplined in other areas as well. And that is why my inability to stick to a simple diet for two days is reflective of my failure in life. I do not want anyone to think that I am by any means suicidal, but I am merely stating a fact. I am truly and inexcusably screwing this up.

I have been thinking about the reasons for my lack of success, and I think the biggest problem is the fact that I simply do not have the correct ingredients in my immediate vicinity. I was sitting in my apartment, around 3pm, and trying to figure out how to eat something small. Unfortunately, the only items that I really had available to me were two containers of sugar-free jello (20 cals total). I ate them in the span of an hour or two.

Sticking to a diet, such as the Rainbow diet, would be easier if I were at home, where fresh foods are always around. As a poor college student, I simply cannot walk to a grocery store every time I am able to eat half a pepper. Therefore, I think I am going to restart the ABC diet. It worked really well for me until I binged (as in, ate, 400 cals) on the 200-calorie day. It's really okay to me if that happens, as long as I continue to eat very little over the next period of time - preferably forever. It's easier for me to stick to a diet where I can choose exactly what I want to eat. I have a terrible sweet tooth, so being able to delegate 100 of my calories to a piece of chocolate is essential to my livelihood. Ideally, I shouldn't eat that kind of food anyway, but I am obviously not perfect. Simply striving to be.

So, here I am, restarting a diet, but one that is much more doable. I even have a thinspo playlist on my new ipod shuffle. It's an adorable little thing, and yes, he has a name. Unfortunately, I want to keep the poor guy anonymous for his own security...and there's the fact that everyone around me knows my habit to name my music devices. While I am 99% sure that no one I know would be reading this blog, I am still taking precautions just in case. So I will leave it up to your imagination.

I am not sure if I had less than 500 calories today or not because I had chili for dinner, and I don't know how many calories are in that. But chili + crackers + orange + sugar-free jello = ? No idea, so I am just assuming my diet is starting tomorrow. For anyone who is not aware of the nature of the ABC diet, you can simply google it, and it will come up. However, the first week is as follows:

Day One: 500 or less
Day Two: 500 or less
Day Three: 300
Day Four: 400
Day Five: 100
Day Six: 200
Day Seven: 300

I think that it's a lot easier to take something a week at a time because fifty days can seem like a rather daunting task otherwise. The part that I may struggle with more is the fact that I take vitamins, which automatically ads 45 calories to my total every day. But I think I might as well sacrifice less food for more nutrition...that's a healthy outlook, right? I like to think so.

Wish me luck! And this one I will succeed much better. More freedom = better success...crossing my fingers.

But it's no one else's fault but my own if I fail. And anyone is welcome to join me on this expedition, fyi.

Monday, January 18, 2010

First Day

Today is my first day on the Rainbow diet.  Thus far, I have eaten a whole apple and feel very full.  I woke up late, so I decided to eat both halves of the apple at the same time.  I'm very excited to see progress, especially since my eating this past weekend was terrible.  Drinking does not go well for me because being hungover makes me ravenously hungry...ugh.

But I'm determined not to beat myself up over it too much because I WILL be losing five pounds by next weekend.  I am convinced that this is a completely doable goal.  For dinner, which I will probably have around 7, I am going to cut up a cucumber and sprinkle some salt and pepper.  It's a good day.  The only problem that I have right now with the whole diet is Wednesday.  Since Wednesday is a fast day, I obviously can't eat anything.  Unfortunately, I am supposed to have lunch with a friend, so clearly I have to make up some excuse.  Good thing I have all day today and tomorrow to brainstorm.

Right now I am watching "You've Got Mail."  It's by far one of the greatest movies of all time, and I never get tired of it.  If, for some obscure reason, you have not seen it, I suggest you record it (it's on again tomorrow).  Apparently, there's a mini Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan marathon because "Sleepless in Seattle" is next.  Anyway, I'm going to continue to bask in the amazing-ness that is this movie.  

I apologize for the boring nature of this post, but sitting around in my apartment alone for the past two days has not been conducive to spurring any creativity.  I promise more interesting words of wisdom or complaints in the near future.