Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I'm failing at life.

There are few things that can be controlled completely in this world. Most things are out of your hands. It's true that you can work hard, get good grades, strive for perfection, but that still never guarantees your success. I am a third year college student whose grades have plummeted since high school, during which I had over a 4.0. What happened? I used to have my life in so much more control back then, and I think I know the correlation: I was skinny. It's simple to me, really. Once I am able to exact such self discipline in one area of my life, surely I can be disciplined in other areas as well. And that is why my inability to stick to a simple diet for two days is reflective of my failure in life. I do not want anyone to think that I am by any means suicidal, but I am merely stating a fact. I am truly and inexcusably screwing this up.

I have been thinking about the reasons for my lack of success, and I think the biggest problem is the fact that I simply do not have the correct ingredients in my immediate vicinity. I was sitting in my apartment, around 3pm, and trying to figure out how to eat something small. Unfortunately, the only items that I really had available to me were two containers of sugar-free jello (20 cals total). I ate them in the span of an hour or two.

Sticking to a diet, such as the Rainbow diet, would be easier if I were at home, where fresh foods are always around. As a poor college student, I simply cannot walk to a grocery store every time I am able to eat half a pepper. Therefore, I think I am going to restart the ABC diet. It worked really well for me until I binged (as in, ate, 400 cals) on the 200-calorie day. It's really okay to me if that happens, as long as I continue to eat very little over the next period of time - preferably forever. It's easier for me to stick to a diet where I can choose exactly what I want to eat. I have a terrible sweet tooth, so being able to delegate 100 of my calories to a piece of chocolate is essential to my livelihood. Ideally, I shouldn't eat that kind of food anyway, but I am obviously not perfect. Simply striving to be.

So, here I am, restarting a diet, but one that is much more doable. I even have a thinspo playlist on my new ipod shuffle. It's an adorable little thing, and yes, he has a name. Unfortunately, I want to keep the poor guy anonymous for his own security...and there's the fact that everyone around me knows my habit to name my music devices. While I am 99% sure that no one I know would be reading this blog, I am still taking precautions just in case. So I will leave it up to your imagination.

I am not sure if I had less than 500 calories today or not because I had chili for dinner, and I don't know how many calories are in that. But chili + crackers + orange + sugar-free jello = ? No idea, so I am just assuming my diet is starting tomorrow. For anyone who is not aware of the nature of the ABC diet, you can simply google it, and it will come up. However, the first week is as follows:

Day One: 500 or less
Day Two: 500 or less
Day Three: 300
Day Four: 400
Day Five: 100
Day Six: 200
Day Seven: 300

I think that it's a lot easier to take something a week at a time because fifty days can seem like a rather daunting task otherwise. The part that I may struggle with more is the fact that I take vitamins, which automatically ads 45 calories to my total every day. But I think I might as well sacrifice less food for more nutrition...that's a healthy outlook, right? I like to think so.

Wish me luck! And this one I will succeed much better. More freedom = better success...crossing my fingers.

But it's no one else's fault but my own if I fail. And anyone is welcome to join me on this expedition, fyi.

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