Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I just went skiing for two days with my family, and it was amazing.  We went to Pennsylvania, which is no Vail, but skiing in Colorado is expensive so I'll take what I can get.  I have to say, though, I was really bummed that there weren't any glades (tree skiing for those of you who don't know) that were worthwhile because there just wasn't enough snow on the ground between the trees.  Glades and moguls are my favorite ski runs, but unless you're out West, you can't really get them.  So we only skied one glade, where I found myself seemingly skiing on dirt and twigs more than anything else, which isn't good for your skis nor is it that thrilling when you're watching out for abrupt rocks or logs than anything else.  And the other downside of skiing in Pennsylvania is that none of the runs are actually challenging.  I'm not an expert, but I've been skiing since I was little so I can pretty much ski anything in Colorado, making the blacks and double blacks at the place we went to way too easy.

Despite that, though, my skis rammed into a mogul because they were rentals, had very dull edges, and have not been waxed in way too long, so I couldn't turn fast enough, and I ended up slamming onto my arm in heap of snow/ice.  It's sad because I never fall, but then again, I usually use my own equipment, which surprisingly makes a huge difference when you're skiing.  So now I have to get dressed with one arm because my left one is feeling very unpleasant.  It's not broken or dislocated because I think I would know if it were, but skiing the rest of the day was a little rough because every time I used my left arm to pole or turn (so very often), it felt like it was about to be ripped off.  Oh well...skiing was still a blast even if I just complained for two paragraphs.

Tomorrow I'm planning on posting to question you all about New Years plans.  I have a few friends who want me to go out with them, but the problem is that 1) we don't have actual plans and 2) I really really really don't like huge crowds.  And the possibility (or rather, guarantee) that I will be packed like a sardine in a busy bar and left to be groped by creepy men does not really appeal to me...I've never been partial to New Years because it feels like I could go out and do the same things on a different weekend where there won't be so many people, I won't be rolling my eyes when people countdown to midnight, and I won't see a million dresses that I know girls bought only for one night from Forever21.  No offense if you do all that, but it's just not my kind of thing...just a matter of personal preferences, you know?  Anyway, what are your plans?  I need ideas or excuses to get out of it.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


my parents really know how to piss me off.  i was just downstairs measuring out two tablespoons of chocolate chips, and my mom says, "wow, you really are addicted to sweets."  excuse me?!

this is coming from the woman who had two of the cookies i baked earlier at lunch and then three cookies later (at one time).  now, i'm not one to judge because i could totally eat an entire batch of cookies, so you won't hear me say anything about someone's food choices most of the time.  but when she said that as though i'm addicted to something truly evil and after my dad just grabbed a handful...i don't know.  why can't my parents just be nurturing for once and stop being so damn critical?

and then she wonders why i don't understand when anyone calls me beautiful?  how dare she get mad when i feel ugly when it seems like they only put on more pressure?  fucking hypocrites.

(sorry i'm being bitchy again...i'm just really irritated by the people who are supposed to love me)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

merry christmas i guess

my day was okay (other than me being a pig, of course), and i got a lot of cool gifts.  my favorite was the tote that my mom picked out for me; it's from fossil and has birds on it.

but all of the christmas joy was just sapped out of me about five minutes ago when my dad essentially called me fat.  i asked if there were chocolate chips left, as he reached for a handful, and he said that there were but that they're fattening.  so i commented that he was eating them, and he informed me that that was because he was skinny.

so i left and am in my room now.  if nothing else gives me motivation then surely one of my parents indirectly hinting that i'm a cow should.

merry fucking christmas.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Magic Pounds

You know that feeling when you've been the same size or same weight for a while and the fantastic high you had from losing weight turns into a sudden depression from not losing more weight?  Yeah, I have that.  My mind just can't wrap around the possibility that I'm the same size.  To me, it's like if I haven't lost weight then I must have gained it.  Because it's just not physically possible to not move either way.  Despite the fact that all of my clothes still fit, I swear I've turned into a whale.

I even went shopping with my mom today, who insisted that I try on some dresses since I don't have many.  I'm a sucker for Calvin Klein, and the clothes usually work for me (especially the sweater dresses) so I tried on piles of dresses...none really fit.  There was a sweater dress that was adorable with these long sleeves and cozy feel, but I didn't buy it.  And there was an adorable red dress that flared out a little bit at the hips and had some cool pleating, but it had one major problem:  it was sleeveless.  And while my mom just thinks I'm self conscious of my arms (which I am), I know that I can't buy a dress like that unless I always wear a blazer or sweater because of some sketchy, um, marks that litter my arms.  All of the other dresses were a bust because of the major problem with my body...aka my ass.  Sure, a bubble butt can be nice and an hourglass figure is great and everything, but I swear that no clothes are actually made for it.  Clothes that fit my butt are huge everywhere else.  I tried on a size 4 dress, and it was actually too big except for (can you guess?) ass.  It's just so frustrating because no matter what I put on could be dubbed too sexy because of how it curves around my rear end, and it severely cuts down on my selection of apparel.  Hence why I don't own many dresses or any skirts, for that matter.

So I would like to ask designers why the hourglass figure is supposedly the "ideal" shape when they don't actually make clothes for it?  Because my bubble butt, little waist, and D cups don't fit into anything.  Nothing is made with those proportions.  If anyone knows of a brand that has dresses or skirts that cater well to such a thing, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I fucked up again today :(

Binged and purged three times, only slight cutting, and am still awake even though I get up in three hours.  But I'm too afraid to go to bed again because I feel so damn guilty and am worried about waking up tomorrow and being excessively roll y poll y.  I really need to stop punishing myself by not allowing sleep because when you sleep you can't eat...and I think it boosts your metabolism.

Anyway, I just thought I'd toss in a short post of my thoughts before going to pack up to go home tomorrow (or rather, in several hours)...and I want to clean my apartment, too.  I think that will get my mind off of things, and I only work until noon tomorrow and then can take a nap or something.  Ugh, misery.

Seriously, why do I fuck myself over like this?  *Irritated*

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A little yellow

I know I went on and one yesterday about how I wanted help and how much I wished I could get it...I wasn't lying but like I said, I'm too much of a coward.  Asking for help means acknowledging that there's actually a problem.  So here I am sitting at the kitchen table, refusing to go to bed, having binged and purged four separate times in the past five or six hours, and literally watching blood dripping down my arm onto the kitchen table.  Yep.  I have no problems at fucking problems...

Right now my focus is kind of on the fact that I ate so much shit and the guilt is weighing heavily on me.  I'm jut hoping and praying that if I do well today and tomorrow then Friday will be like last night never happened.  I think it takes two good days to make up for one day of a bad binge, but we'll see, I suppose.  At least since I didn't sleep, when I get home from work in sixteen hours, I can go straight to bed and pass out.  No late night bingeing to make up for being alone and bored out of my fucking mind.  I apologize for my ridiculous language in this post, but I'm pissed off at myself, if that isn't obvious.  I was doing so well, and you know when you fail one day and feel as tough all your hard work has been ruined?  It doesn't matter that my clothes will probably only be slightly tighter tomorrow or that my stomach might just be bloated, I still feel as though I've gained fifty pounds and like everyone will notice.  So to make up for my binge(s), I will just continue to wreak havoc on my arm because I deserve it.  I did just get fresh blades yesterday so I might as well make use of them.  And I'm not gonna lie, the red color is rather sick as that sounds.  Weird that it comes from my own body.  This is another ones of those moments that I just feel a little disconnected from myself.  I'm not violent and my apparent fascination with my own blood only extends to my own being, but...slightly disturbing, I guess.

Thanks for all your support by the way.  I wish it could actually spur me to do something, but I worry that maybe I'm really just normal and making things seem like a concern when they're not.  This is probably why I need an outside opinion  someone to tell me that I need to seek help because this isn't right.  Otherwise, I'm going to remain in my dark, little world until I can't take it anymore.  It's just a question of what happens first.

Monday, December 13, 2010


I wrote a good four pages of thoughts while in Panera today in between shifts at work.  I'm not going to type up what it was because I'm not planning on reading it...I know for a fact that what I wrote was disturbing, mainly centered on suicide and on my confusion about life in general.  All in all, I'd rather pretend that I wasn't the one who wrote it.  Honestly, I write disturbing things all the time (most of which I keep to myself and never post on here), and when I read it (if I read it), it feels as though someone else wrote it.  Re reading my random musings always freaks me out, and I'd much rather remain blissfully ignorant to my creepy thoughts.  Sure, I am aware of what I'm writing at the time, but there's something different about writing it down as it comes to mind than looking back on it.  It's hard to explain.

Similarly, watching shows like Intervention scares the hell out of me.  There was one about a girl who was cutting herself, and I couldn't even watch the preview.  Seeing it on tv like that makes me squirm and think about how wrong it really is...and yet, I keep doing it.  I tell myself, "I'm not like that," but I think that may only be because it's different when you see things through your own eyes instead of from the outside.  But I don't look like those girls either.  Most of them have really dark undereye circles, never wear make up, and all around don't take care of themselves; I do.  I wear makeup, strut around in fancy clothes, do my hair, wear perfume, and try to cover imperfections.  Maybe that's why I do such a good job of hiding my problems by hiding everything on the outside; but the problem with these girls, I suppose, isn't what they look like or their apparent lack of style but their actual mental states.  And that is what we have in common...unfortunately.

Here I am, though, pretending that I'm perfectly normal, but if someone took one look at the things I write in my personal journals and on scrap pieces of paper that I hide in my room, then I think I would quickly find myself in a psych ward.  Is it possible to have a serious problem and never be helped?  Or is that how people wind up dead?  I don't know.  I can't say I don't want to die because that's kind of a lie, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if I'm really doomed to be forever lonely and forever in misery, even if it's my own fault for being in this position.  I'm not a bitter person because it's been my problem all along and no one else forced this on me...and maybe that's why I feel like help would be nice sometimes.  It's too bad I'm too scared to ask for it.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Thousand Questions

Do you ever get so confused that you can't tell what is up and what is down?  Do you ever have so much trouble focusing, finding your vision blurring within the first two seconds of gazing at an object?  Do you ever find yourself lost in yourself and feeling like you're just living in a dream?  Or maybe a nightmare?  I do.

I've been so confused these past few days and have been trying hard to lock myself up within and ignore the world around me.  I do this a lot and succeed in forgetting the outside world completely.  When I'm nervous or anxious about something, I just pretend like it doesn't exist and ignore he problem, not bothering to find a solution.  But I work tomorrow, so I suppose reality is going to hit me when I find myself having to deal with people again and an actual routine.  I think I need people around me in order to stay grounded because otherwise I just get a little lost.  Yet, at the same time, I like to be by myself because other people just don't understand me.  Maybe I just don't like the fact that it's good for my well being to socialize on occasion, but then again, when do I ever like things that are healthy for me?

My post today is short, strange, and a little all over the place.  My brain is just having trouble focusing because of too much bingeing/purging it the past few days.  You know how intentionally reversing natural direction of food through body tends to muddle the brain.  So I'm going to bed since I have to get up early for work, and I'm hoping that I will be more inspired, more in tune with myself, and possibly less manic tomorrow.  We shall see, I suppose.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

No more finals!

I thought I should exclaim my excitement about being done with finals!  It's an amazing feeling, and I'm hoping that now I can get my life, or at least my concept of time, slightly back on course.  I had a pint of ice cream yesterday to celebrate, knowing fully what I was doing, and then purged it...that brought my intake to about 1500 calories but hopefully the purge got rid of some of them?  Idk, but I didn't gain weight miraculously.  My body is exhausted, and I have a raging headache but I'm playing Christmas music, drinking black coffee, have a vanilla candle lit, and am planning on repainting my nails within the next few hours sooo it's a good day?

I was supposed to work at 7am this morning and I did, but the cafe had so few customers since finals are basically over and students are leaving for home for the holidays so I was sent home.  Normally I would rather get paid, but this was one of my least favorite (okay, is my least favorite) location to work at so going home was fine to me.  Sadly, now I can't decide if I should take a nap since I'm awake.  It's so early still so I might...I have nothing special to do all day but contemplate my life <-- which is never a good thing for my state of mind.

I chatted with my mom and joked about how my roommate thinks I don't like hugs, which is actually true.  She likes to cuddle with people and has no problem with that kind of thing, while I avoid human contact as much as possible.  My mom doesn't really understand because she's huggy and claims my dad is, though I'm convinced that's false.  Sure, he hugs my mom and now us kids, too, (albeit awkwardly and adorably), but we're family.  Or maybe I'm just searching in vain for a reason behind my obscurity and heredity is the best reason I can find.  Anyway, it's only 8:30am (ish), so I need to find something boring to do.  I won't eat until after 12 or 1, and I'm glad that's one rule that I never break.  So bring on the coffee!  Oh and I need a shower...I'm fucking freezing.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I've always been the kind of person who refuses to form attachments to other people; I feel like they're pointless.  I don't even know if there is a "group" of such kind of people, but I am one of them anyway.  I don't socialize with coworkers, classmates, teammates, etc. because I feel this intense need to compartmentalize my life and keep things separated so much so that I keep myself separated from everything else.  My friends are more like acquaintances and never particularly close to me.  My own roommate, who is one of my better friends at school, informed me that I never tell her anything about my life...she's the second roommate of mine to tell me that.  And it's not so much that I intentionally hide things (although I do), but I just build up the walls so thick and so close to myself that even the smallest information about my day suddenly makes me feel exposed.

I graduate from college this year, along with most of my friends (or rather, people I know), and a coworker asked my roommate if I was going to miss her.  I guess she told the person that I wouldn't, half jokingly and half seriously...actually, she might have been completely serious.  And the sad thing is that she is probably right.  It's likely that I won't miss her, and it kind of hurts me sometimes that I seem so heartless and just can't have that feeling.  I guess it's kind of sad that I'm so cynical, so cold, and so anti emotions, especially when other people notice and can't understand me.  I never thought that people around me would feel like I keep them at an arm's length and don't let them in, but I think such a person is rare so people take notice when they meet someone like me.  I feel like I seem cheerful, genuinely happy, and a "people person" upon first meeting, but anyone who sees me on a regular basis might see through my facade.  Because I'm definitely not a happy person on the inside; I am extremely jaded, and I don't see the point in most things..such as relationships.

It's an odd feeling that I have right now.  It's like I can tell on some level that it isn't normal to think like I do, that it's okay to establish a relationship and get to know someone and let someone get to know me.  But at the same time, my mind just can't wrap around this concept.  I feel like my way of thinking is just on a different wavelength, and it makes me very confused that my ideals and basic concepts of life don't make sense to most people.  I wish that for one day I could feel the way they do and see how different life would be, but I think the fact that I don't notice that I am, in fact, living is part of my problem.  It's wrong, I'm sure, but I just can't come to terms with the fact that I'm real or that this world is real.  I feel like I'm dreaming and one day I'll wake up and things will be completely different.  I can't help it, and it's the days like today when someone seems to disagree with an idea so solidly and logically planted in my brain that I begin to feel lost.  

And I forgot to eat for more than 24 hours...literally forgot.  No wonder I fit into all of my clothes from high school.  I'm successfully disappearing from lots of studying, excessive caffeine, and no sleep.  It's nice.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


I feel terrible today.  

I've been studying a lot, I suppose, but mostly I've just been thinking about how much I have to study and how I'm going to fail my exam (thank god there's a curve) and how I'm not going to make it to Christmas.  It's a similar mindset that I had before Thanksgiving, now that I look at it, and somehow I made it to that holiday alive.  I only have a few more days before my finals are over, and I can stop being such a mess of a human being.  But unfortunately, part of my stress is amplified by how I deal with the stress.  Take last night, for  example...epic fail in my feeble attempt at being a normal human being.  I ended up bingeing and purging because I had a strong desire to feel more miserable than I already felt.  All day I sat in Panera studying, drinking coffee, and freezing my ass off so that I was dizzy sitting in my chair, probably severely dehydrated from all the caffeine, and my vision was blurry.  I could barely focus, to be honest.  So when I got home, I felt like what the hell, I might as well try to feel as terrible as humanly possible, right?  And my roommate went out, which meant I had the apartment to myself so I could properly self destruct.  So I binged and purged and then pulled out a fresh razor blade and went at it on my arms.  I stayed up all night until 7:30am this morning for no reason other than trying to delay the inevitable feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt that was going to envelope me when I awoke.  And I didn't disappoint because when I finally closed my eyes, I woke up feeling like I was hit by a car.

On one hand, I like feeling like my arms are burning and like I'm a wreck, but o the other hand, I feel like it would be great to just be normal for once.  But the problem is that I don't think I'd feel like myself if I wasn't always in some sort of agony, seemingly always self inflicted.   And it's become somewhat second nature for me to hurt myself; I barely remember doing it last night.  When I woke up in a daze, I thought, "Oh shit, I forgot about my arms!" when I moved and felt the fabric of my shirt chaffing my skin.  And I forgot I had purged until several hours after I got up.  Kind of strange, but maybe since half of my cutting was done when I was listening to music in my bed in the dark, it was almost like I was half asleep.  And tonight I'm not sleeping because I have an exam in just over 12 hours soooo lots of studying to do.  I'm going to get a whole bunch of sugar free redbull and maybe some form of sugary, fat free candy to keep me going all night long.  

Joy...another all nighter.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Before my mind shuts off...

I thought I should post before my brain completely dies...I just got home from the chemistry computer lab about 30 minutes ago after being there for nearly 12 sucked.  So I drank a lot of coke zero, red bull, coffee, and sadly, binged.  Fortunately, I'm almost done with my papers, and I haven't shut down yet, though I'm sensing that will be happening within the next few hours.  Basically I just stopped home so that I could shower, redo makeup so I don't look like a zombie, and put on fresh clothes.  All nighters really do suck sometimes (or all the time, really).

This entire weekend is going to be dedicated to studying physical chemistry, which is hell.  Normally chemistry is just terrible to study for in general, but the king of evil in this subject matter is by far pchem.  Sure, people complain about organic chemistry all the time, but that's only because so many people have to take it since it's required for medical school and a lot of other majors.  Very few people get the, um, privelege(?) to take physical chemistry, so you hear less about it.  My advice?  Dont' take it...because you're seriously delusional if you think you want an in depth look into the motion of subatomic particles.

So my game plan for today is to drink lots of coffee and calorie free (AND HIGHLY CAFFEINATED) beverages and maybe have sushi for lunch/dinner as my only meal.  I get off work at 5:30 pm, at which point I will come home and sleep.  I have a big day of stuyding ahead of me tomorrow, and I want an early start and a fresh brain...and an empty stomach.  Personally, I find studying easier on an empty stomach, especially when dealing with finals since you sleep less with malnutrition.  But really, if you want to add more hours to your day stop eating and you'll naturally stay awake longer.  And I'm rambling in my manic state and lack of sleep and whatnot so gots to go...I'll update more logically tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Ahhh school

Why is it that I have so much shit to do and not enough time to do it?  I don't think I can even begin to properly express how much I wish life had a remote control so that I could just fast forward the next week and a half and pretend like finals are over.  At least I have one tomorrow so I'll have one out of the way, and I can see the finish line even if it feels like forever and like I have to go through hell to get there.

I also saw the first snow today...granted it was really only a few snowflakes for a very brief amount of time, but beggars can't be choosers.  I do live in Ohio, after all, and we just don't get that much snow (or at least, not as much as I would like).  It's also great to know that it's officially December, which makes the Christmas season feel more legit.  Personally, I think December is the best month of the year.  What's not to love about it?  Except for December 25th...that's a dark day in my book.  That probably sounds strange but think about it:  Christmas Day means that Christmas is over.  I love the holiday season not the day itself.  I feel like Christmas Day around noonish is extremely depressing because the gifts under the tree are gone, the tree has served its purpose, and soon the decorations will be gone.  I get this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and always get the feeling I want to cry.  I suddenly feel like I've lost my purpose, and my reindeer slippers (which have bells and are duck taped on the bottoms since they're ancient...stole them from my mom) will no longer be acceptable.  Although, I'm not sure if they're ever really acceptable, but I love them anyway so...

Also, I think I'm back to my pre Thanksgiving weight.  I'd check to see how my velvet pants fit, but I just painted my nails black and they're still a little wet.  I probably shouldn't be typing, but that and putting on tight pants have drastically different repercussions to drying nails.  Fortunately I'm typing with the pads of my fingers so no damage done yet.  The black polish has a glossy overcoat, and my nails look almost like an extremely dark purple instead but I think that's because of the lighting.  Maybe when I go outside the color will be more obvious.  It's strange that I've wanted black nails for so long...I'm not a gothic or emo or punk kind of person, so it looks just more...chic?  I'm a big fashion kind of person and can't think of the last time I wore a tshirt even.  So anyway, I need to go to the library and search for the book I need for my final tomorrow.  I'm displaying my epic procrastination skills...I'm talented.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm Back

Hey, everyone, I'm back and with internet service.  I actually had service in Chicago but would only work every once in a while and was very slow so I didn't really try to use it.  I did really well in the beginning, but I crashed and burned after a while.  Thanksgiving has too much food, and all activities seem to revolve around it.  It's quite irritating, but I think that with a little hard work I'll be back to normal in a few days.  I only gained a few pounds, and probably no one else would notice but me.  On the plus side, though, I got a lot of adorable clothes!  I needed new skinny jeans because my old ones were so stretched out that they could hardly be called "skinny."  I now have a new pair of designer skinny jeans, which while pricey are totally worth it.  I'm the kind of person who would splurge on a good pair of jeans because they're hard to find and the expensive ones seem to be the only ones that actually fit me properly.  But I've worn them several times already, and I've only had them for a few days.  I also got a pair of over the knee black boots that are flat so that I can wear them all the time, and my mom bought me a few things because she thought they were too cute to pass up.  I love it when she decides to buy me things...maybe she does it because I don't expect her to or ask.  She's a good mom.

I'm glad it's finally the Christmas season, and I can freely listen to Christmas music without any guilt.  I love seeing the lights, decorations, everything.  There were many giant Christmas trees in Chicago downtown, and I was so excited to see it all.  I'm like a little child when it comes to the holidays.  And now I only have one week of hell before my finals, and I'm really hoping that I'll pass them all.  I can't even begin to describe how much it would suck and how embarrassing it would be should I fail a class because then I couldn't graduate early.  Everyone I know already knows I'm prepped to graduate in March, and I couldn't imagine how terrible it would feel to tell them I have yet another quarter because I'm dumb.  But I have no one to blame but myself and my preference for self destruction over school.  I've already wasted the entire day in misery, cutting my hip and my arms in retribution for the few pounds I've gained, and now my skinny jeans are really killing the aching skin on my hip.  Tight jeans brushing over freshly cut skin does not equal a good time, but I deserve it so I'll suck it up.  That was my plan all along anyway, fully knowing what I was going to be wearing and how it would feel.  That's so fucked up, but I can't help it.

So now I'm going to go study, drink some coffee, and maybe eat something for the first time today.  Probably some Holiday Gingerbread from's not exactly good for you but when it's the only thing you eat that day....I'll still lose weight.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I FINALLY leave for Chicago tomorrow morning!  I can't wait!

Today was a good day for a variety of reasons.  I got my highlights touched up and my hair trimmed, went to lunch and had minestrone soup along with a million diet cokes, went shopping and bought (black velvet pants, black tights, awesome jewelry, and some red 5 inch heels courtesy of Jessica Simpson), and I fit into my jeans that I bought in high school...glorious.  It's weird that I'm just now realizing that I've lost a lot of weight, and I think never stepping on the scale has helped tremendously.  I only ate about 600 calories today at the most, but I haven't been keeping an exact count lately.  I think I just kind of judge things on quantity and mentally go through what I'm having in my head, and it stops me from constantly thinking about it and making me binge.  I don't know.  It's just strange seeing myself in the mirror sometimes and realizing that I'm finally shrinking.  Sure, I'm a size 6 and would like to be a 0, but at least it's progress!  But I do know that my relatives are going to make comments about my size but whatever.  I technically only went down one size, but it looks like more because I have certain assets that refuse to shrink...aka my ass.  So while my legs get smaller, my butt decides to stay exactly where it is.  I guess it makes me look more proportionate, though, but it makes me self conscious when I have a little bubbly creature following me everywhere.

Anyway, I will be sure to write more tomorrow, but I'm saying this on the assumption that I'll have wireless internet access...not guaranteed.  So if I don't write anything for a few days, then let's hope that I'm properly not eating, losing weight, and having a grand ole time.  K?

And Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Monday, November 22, 2010


Well, last week was incredibly stressful for me.  I actually spent more than 9 hours straight on Thursday night finishing all of my chemistry assignments.  The only break I took all night was to walk to the vending machine to grab another diet coke; I didn't listen to music, get on any social websites, look at my phone, etc...just 9 hours of straight chemistry.  I left the lab at 5:30 in the morning and felt like I was doing the infamous "walk of shame," except that I was up all night doing homework not partying and hooking up with a random guy.  Oh the thrilling life I lead.

I had a huge chemistry assignment to do this weekend that my professor didn't give us until Friday, so I couldn't even procrastinate.  It's due tomorrow...or rather, in several hours, and I'm almost done.  Tomorrow will be a nice day, though, because I'm getting my nails touched up, going to class, and then going home for Thanksgiving.  And Tuesday, I'm getting my highlights touched up as well and long hair trimmed (it needs it badly), and then I'm hoping to get a pair of heeled closed toed shoes because all of my heels are too summery.  And finally, Wednesday?  Off to Chicago!  I'm soooo excited, especially to see my cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and to experience one of our classic family gatherings.  They're so entertaining and stereotypical; our family is like a comedy sometimes, I swear.

I'll be bringing my computer since I have so much homework to do over the break, so I'll make sure to update.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wow...just, wow

So my day today?  One of the most bizarre ever.

It started out with me waking up feeling nauseous, rolling over and falling back asleep, thus missing my morning class.  As I'm getting ready for work a little while later, I get a text about a bomb threat on my building.  I wasn't worried about it, but it would happen in my building.  I'm a chemistry major and fully understand that if a student were to construct an explosive then they would have to be in either engineering or chemistry because 1) we could figure out how and 2) our lives suck (let's be honest).  But anyway, classes were cancelled for a while, the buildings were evacuated, and I spent my work shift trying to figure out if all my assignments would still be due the next day because they can only be done in a special computer lab because of the required software.  Luckily, I got off work early, but that wasn't very helpful since the building I needed was still off limits.  But when I got home and checked my email...score!  All three assignments pushed back until Friday (*fist pump*,*DOUBLE fist pump*).  To say I was ecstatic would be a severe understatement.

Also, I was able to get a hair appointment to get my highlights touched up before Thanksgiving break, and I painted my nails metallic gold.  So basically, my day was phenomenal.  It's just too bad I kind of spoiled it by eating 900 calories...ugh...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Stress level? Excessive.

I have this problem with thinking that feigning ignorance will magically make all my troubles disappear.  I've been so focused on passing my chemistry classes that I didn't make any effort really in one of my easier I'm  I only have one more quarter of classes before I graduate (if I don't fail anything), so now I'm really nervous.  I can still pass the class if I do some extra credit and rock the final, but ahhhh this is NOT what I needed!  And on top of that, I have so much goddamn shit I need to get done this week for my other three classes, and I'm still paranoid that I'm going to suddenly gain back all the weight I've lost before I can show off at Thanksgiving.  All in all?  Hating life right now.  Fuck me.

Can you tell I'm irritated?  Sorry for the harsh language, but when I'm drowning in stress I tend to drop curse words like its my job.  Oh, and I almost forgot, my dad passed out sitting down on Friday and was in the hospital all night.  I, of course, didn't find out until yesterday afternoon, and I'm kind of worried about him.  He's in a great shape and health (I thought), but now I don't know if there's an actual problem.  Maybe it was dehydration, but he's been exhausted and the results of the blood tests and things haven't come through yet.  It's just another thing I didn't want to have to deal with, you know?

So my game plan for today:  already had some fruit and carrots (200 cals max?), going to pull out my razor (because I'm stressed, irritated, and it's been awhile), and then drinking lots of coffee at Panera (free refills) while attempting to get my shit together.

Eleven days until Thanksgiving.  I can make it, I can make it, I can make it...can I make it?

Friday, November 12, 2010


Wow, we've hit the two week mark until Thanksgiving.  Glorious.  Time really flies!  And I've been feeling like the holidays will start feeling more official because they started decorating outside my work.  In case it's been a while since I've mentioned it, I work in a little cafe on my college campus in the medical center, so there are decorations galore when Christmas rolls around.  There's usually a giant tree in the square, which, if not for the stupid construction, can be seen from the wall of windows in the cafe.  I could see a few smaller Christmas trees, as well as a giant wreath, being put up I'm just crossing my fingers that we'll get a radio soon so we can play Christmas music...I think it's in the works.  Is it acceptable for me to start listening to it on my own?  I don't like the music they play on the radio, but it's better than nothing I suppose.  Good thing I have lots on my itunes.  By the way, what's your favorite Christmas song?  I'll tell you mine tomorrow once I decide who's my favorite person singing it...

I had somewhere between 8 and 900 calories today.  I know that's not good, but I was soooo freaking hungry today.  I really wish I had carrots again, but I'm all out.  Maybe I can get some tomorrow or convince my mom to bring them when she comes up again on Saturday.  But I'm worried because you can turn orange from eating too many from beta carotene maybe I'll pick a different vegetable to abuse for a week.  I don't know what one though.  I'll just google the lowest calorie vegetable, but I'm guessing it's cucumber.  Good thing I like cucumber, especially when I douse it with salt and pepper.  Mmmmm.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

15 Days...still alive

I cannot even begin to contain my excitement about the fact that Thanksgiving is a meager 15 days away...even though just yesterday I was complaining about how 16 days was soooo many.  That's what happens when a particular school assignment that I don't want to do is looming over my head; it's all turned in now though.  Unfortunately, I have many more to go before I can finally enjoy a holiday, but at least being busy makes time fly.  It also makes me forget to eat.  Bonus.

I had some carrots and cherry tomatoes earlier with yellow mustard (about 100 cals at most), then a lean cuisine for dinner (250 cals), and finally a little hot cocoa (70 cals).  That brings me to a grand total of...420 calories.  That's much better than yesterday, I think.  Probably the main reason why the caloric content for today is so low is because 1) my stomach has been trying to rip me apart, 2) I've been sleeping because of the lack of sleep last night, and 3) I feel fat?  Also, I've been frozen solid for weeks now, which I can only assume is a direct result of my low food intake and poor nutrition (not that I care about that).  It's weird because it isn't the air around me that cools me but my actual body temperature.  I have waves of chills that come over me, and no amount of clothes, blankets, or mittens can warm me up.  When I go to sleep, it's the worst because I'm not moving or regulating any body heat.  My roommate thinks I'm a freak because it's 74 degrees in our apartment and as she waltzes around in short shorts, I'm wearing several pairs of pants, two long sleeves shirts, a sweatshirt, two pairs of wool socks, a scarf, and gloves, all wrapped up in a blanket and fucking freezing.  Oh well, such is life.  I may vocally complain about being cold, but secretly I'm basking in it because it means I must be doing something right.

I love how not eating yields less of a need for sleep and a frigid body temperature.  It's perfect for me:  I can stay up studying and pull all nighters without bingeing the next day AND I can wear lots of layers and feel all cozy, warm and fuzzy (minus the "warm" part) inside.  I'm bored with Wednesday now; time to sleep.

Sixteen Days

There's only sixteen days until Thanksgiving, and yet, I feel as though I just can't make it.  Never before has two weeks (that's how long until I actually go home) felt like such a long stretch of time.  It feels endless, and I feel an overwhelming weight on my chest every time I think of everything I need to do before I find relief.  I know that I should just take a day at a time, rather than looking so far in the future, but I can't help it.  Instead, I just feel helpless and like I just won't make it to the holiday this year.  But of course, no one worry because unless something crazy happens I will make it.  There's no reason why I wouldn't; I'm just stressed out.

I'm afraid of tomorrow and probably not going to sleep tonight because of it.  I've found that if I stay awake all night, it feels like the day is pushed back a little farther. You know when you go to sleep and wake up an instant later?  Yeah, I don't want tomorrow to come in an instant.  So no sleep for me.  Besides, I have a lot of shit to do tomorrow, and I would kind of like to enjoy some procrastination right now.  I'm probably going to take some diet pills...maybe two because (why not?).  I ate lots of carrots with mustard (less than 200 cals...I ate a lot), sushi (250 cals), a soy latte (150 cals), and a hershey bar (160 cals).  So that brings me to less than 800 cals, I guess.  Obviousy I could do a LOT better, but I've been sticking around that number without binging for several weeks and actually seeing consistent progress.  I'd like to have a day where I don't really eat at all soon, just to remind myself that I can.  Maybe I'll do that on Sunday.  That sounds like a good day for it.  Tomorrow I will be chugging coffee and taking espresso shots like it's my fucking job.  I swear caffeine is the only reason I'm still alive.

Also, and this is slightly disturbing, I've literally been plotting a day where I can  .  Never mind, you don't need to know about that.  Just me and my musings about the razor chilling in my desk drawer...and no, I'm not killing myself so no one panic.  I just don't think you need any tmi.  I think I use the blade to remind myself that I can feel, like Johnny Cash says in "Hurt."  When I can feel it the next day, it keeps me grounded because I often (as in 99 percent of the time) forget that I'm in a body and a part of reality...which is an odd concept to me right now.  Maybe that's why I frequently stare at my hand, brows furrowed, watching it move before my eyes, and I think with childlike fascination, "That's me?"  An odd feeling.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Do you ever have those mental conversations in your own head?  I know that everyone does, whether they care to admit it or not.  Mine happen all the time, but I think it's most memorable when I'm in the shower.  I'll just stand under the steaming hot water, begging my body to finally warm up, and occasionally writing my calorie count in soap on the bathroom wall (if it's not a morning shower).  Then I start to have a debate with myself about my chaotic rationale.  Recently, I've been having my conversation with a "shrink," and it makes me wonder if deep down I really want help sometimes.  I stand there, thinking and asking myself questions, like, "Why do I feel like life is pointless?  Why do I see the concept of friends as being laughable and for the weak hearted?"  But the problem is, I'm asking myself these questions    questions that I don't know the answers to    and I'm getting nowhere.

Sometimes I wish someone could just sit down and talk to me.  I want them to tell me why we're supposed to get up each morning, why we're supposed to have friends, and what the hell this so called "happiness" is that everyone raves about.  Sure, I laugh frequently, smile a whole lot (though it's usually forced), and joke around with people.  But I do it because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do, not because I want to.  It's all superficial, and at the end of the day, when I return home, I just want the day to be over so another hellish one can begin.  And that's why I want a person to explain to me all these things I don't understand.  I want them to tell me why we're supposed to enjoy life, why we're supposed to open up to people, and why we're not just meant to be alone.

But I can't do that because doing so would be admitting aloud that maybe my thoughts aren't the right ones.  I like to think I'm right.  I like to think that believing that being alone makes you strong and that needing the companionship of another makes you weak.  It's like I'm watching the world go about in this craze, while I'm the only one who can see through the lies.  No one can possibly be so happy, can they? Or is it just because my mind can't wrap around the idea that I flat out reject it?  So here I sit, listening to Evanescence, "Missing," feeling like it's the story of my life.

Isn't someone missing me?  No, I don't think so.  I'm lost...and sometimes...sometimes I wish I could be found.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Finally Disappearing

I have to tell you that it is so nice to know that you understand my feelings so well.  When I mentioned how uncomfortable the tightness of my jeans made me feel, my coworker thought I was being ridiculous.  She also told me I was acting like her sister, who she has told me before has an eating disorder amongst other problems.  We laughed about how I “jokingly” thought I had gained ten pounds overnight, while inwardly I was thinking, “No, but really…I gained ten pounds.”  Of course, the next day I put on different pants, and they were a little looser.  Why?  Because I didn’t magically gain ten pounds.  But sometimes (or rather, most of the time, if not all) the rational side of my brain just can’t win, and the voice screaming inside my head controlling all my actions takes control, as usual.

My skinny jeans, which I also washed and dried, fit great this morning but now are very baggy.  My parents came up to visit me, and my mom was astonished at how small (in her eyes) I’ve become.  She was tugging on my pants, lifting my shirt (made me nervous she'd notice the, uh, cuts on my hips but thank god for high waisted jeans), and staring at my waist, commenting, “Oh!  You’re disappearing!  You look so tiny!”  She was very proud of me.  Apparently, “disappearing” is a good thing.  I mean, I’ve always though tit was a good thing, but should parents?  Whatever, she was proud of me, and I have lost a good amount of weight.  I’m still refusing to step on the scale because I’ve found it actually prevents a binge for me to just not know the exact number.  I’d kind of rather not go back to putting a value on my worth like that, even if I’m still not really eating and still harming myself…but I’d rather forget that stupid number so that a pound fluctuation or water weight won’t bother me because I won’t know it’s there for sure.

Also, has anyone noticed all of the Christmas paraphernalia out in stores now?  Since Halloween is over, I can properly enjoy it.  Christmas, snowflakes, peppermint…it all puts me in a good mood.  When I was walking through Target today, I could barely contain my excitement!  I just love Christmas.  The only downside is all of the fucking cookies, so I just won’t eat them.  It’s not too hard to resist if I don’t personally make them because honestly, my own cookies are the only ones I like.  I always undercook them so that they’re soft and delicious.  I don’t know what I do to them that makes them so magical…my mom even commented today when we were at a market that she didn’t want one of their cookies because they weren’t “my” cookies.  I guess that’s one thing I’m proud of:  my baking skills.  Too bad I won’t be putting them to use this year.  Although, I admit that I enjoy making them sometimes just to watch other people eat them with satisfaction that I can control myself not to.  That usually only lasts one batch, though, so if I do bake, I can only do so once.

P.S.  Only 19 days until Thanksgiving!!!!!  The countdown is in the teens…that’s amazing.  I don’t even care about Thanksgiving day because I will be spending most of it avoiding food, but I just want to go to Chicago and see the fam!  

Friday, November 5, 2010

Magical Pounds

I did laundry yesterday, and today I felt like I had gained ten pounds over night.  The logical part of my brain was reminding me that no, I probably did not gain ten pounds for no reason, but I couldn't help it.  Most people like it when their jeans shrink from washing and drying, and I used to.  Now, though, I just felt traumatized.  It's weird to be wearing loose pants one day and tight ones the next.  I refuse to wear the pants tomorrow now...and I still feel like I've ballooned!!!!!

Sorry this is such a short post, but I've had so much shit to do this week.  I'll update you in more detail tomorrow (though technically it'll probably be the same day since it's technically Friday already).

Monday, November 1, 2010


I got a manicure and acrylic nails a few weeks ago, and I'm going again tomorrow but don't know what I want!  I currently am sporting dark purple nails (like an eggplant color), and I love them.  I'm definitely ready for a change, though.  I can't explain it, but I've had this weird desire to get a semi french manicure like thing with wine red nails but cream colored tips...I've never seen it before, but I just really want to do it.  I think french manicures are really pretty, but it's never been my kind of style.  And since it's fall, I don't want any bright colors.  So I thought that doing a french manicure with a bit of a twist was right up my alley?  What do you think?  I like to be different, but I'm definitely picking a color that would look good on my skin tone and with my wardrobe...

Also, I met a beautiful man from the Netherlands last weekend.  I'm hoping that maybe something will happen, but he's out of the country for the next two weeks.  What is it about accents that just automatically ups a guy's sex appeal?  Maybe it's the way their words literally just drip from their lips in this soft, foreign manner...I don't know.  Sometimes I wish I lived in Europe so I could be the foreign girl...but I don't know how sexy American girls are to European probably doesn't work both ways.  (Sigh)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Halloween!

I know I'm a day early, but I felt that if I waited until tomorrow to wish you a happy spooky night then I'd be too late.  I'm assuming most of you would be going out tonight to celebrate rather than Happy Halloween!  Personally, I don't really want to go out because I feel like a fat piece of shit, but since I spent money on my spongebob costume, I probably should.  Plus, I've been studying (or at least trying to) so that I can go out relatively guilt free...until the calories I'm drinking haunts me.  It's already haunting me, actually.  I don't know what I'm going to drink yet, but definitely not beer and definitely not a frilly drink with lots of calories.  It think the skinny girl margarita thing would be awesome because the whole bottle is 400 calories, and I probably wouldn't drink all that...or maybe some straight vodka?  Decisions decisions.

I've also been really home sick lately.  Normally I'm fine for a while, but I think school is just really getting to me.  I can't even begin to express how much I wish Thanksgiving was this week because I look that holiday.  The food I could do without, but I'm not a big turkey person anyway.  But I loooove seeing extended family!  We're going to Chicago, as usual, this year to see grandparents, cousins, etc., and I'm dying to go downtown and see the lights and holiday decorations.  What a beautiful time of year.  I hope I can just lose another ten pounds at least by then.  It's only, what, three and a half weeks away?  That's not too bad!  I'm going to be starting a countdown...starting tomorrow once I count the days in my planner.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

All Nighter

Okay, so I'm likely pulling an all nighter tonight for this fucking exam tomorrow morning...but whatever.  The whole not eating thing kind of leads to insomnia anyway, so I'm not really expecting this to be particularly difficult.  Sadly, I ate nearly 1200 calories today, which is terrible!  I was craving candy kind of badly, but at least it wasn't an actual binge.  And considering the number, I should technically still lose weight or at least maintain, right?

I haven't decided what my game plan is this weekend yet.  I'd like to go out and enjoy myself, but I also refuse to binge or drunk eat.  The calories in alcohol always worries me, too, so I generally restrict myself to one night of "going out."  I just don't know what to do!!!!  I have all day tomorrow to figure this out, though, and as long as I just eat less...

Anyway, going to continue delaying studying for a little while longer before launching into quantum mechanics

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Come on Funny Things to Ponder, don't be dumb

Today:  spilled a 24 oz coffee in a computer lab so I spent a good ten minutes running between the bathroom and the lab with paper towels.  Sometimes I amaze myself with how smooth and graceful I can be.  Ironically, a girl came in two hours later and was like, "Wow, it smells really good in here today."  I told her, "Your welcome," because my pumpkin coffee spill contributed something positive to the freezing basement computer lab.  I'm such a good person...a good, graceful, smooth person...

I have one exam down and one hell of an exam to go.  I just can't wait until I can go out on Friday night because then I will be stress free.  I'm about to continue studying, but I wanted to mention something first.  I don't know if you have ever noticed, but I have a little gadget about "Funny Things to Ponder" at the bottom of my blog.  Well, today's when I looked was this:

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Now, I personally thought that was dumb because the answer is OBVIOUS.  Clearly the thinking monkey forgot one important detail about this.  Sunglasses shield the eyes from the sun, so of course, if you're blind, it's kind of funny to wear them.  (I don't know how it feels to be blind, though, so maybe the sun bothers them, too).  BUT, ear muffs aren't supposed to protect the ears from noise; it's for the cold.  So unless deaf people (and I'm half deaf...right ear doesn't work anymore...damn ear infections) are numb on on the outside of their ears then they would wear ear muffs, too.  Am I just missing something with this whole thing?  I mean, ear muffs are those fuzzy things you wear when it's cold out and you don't want to wear a hat that messes up your hair, yes?  Soooo deaf people don't get cold ears or something?  Dumb thing to ponder...thoughts?

School sucks, yeah? But hey, I'm losing weight!

Alright, so here I am being a diligent student, finally studying for my history exam tomorrow.  I've been so focused on the stupid quantum mechanics exam that I have on Friday that I've kind of put colonial latin america on the back, that exam won't be so bad.  Basically, I'll be looking over things tomorrow preparing myself to properly bullshit an essay about the Aztecs.  I'm a good writer when it comes to formal essays, so I am basically just banking on that to get me by.  And let's be honest:  history?  Just not that stressful of a subject.  (not to mention I also have lots of homework due tomorrow)

My game plan is to get through my early classes, finish my assignment, and then head to Panera to study for a few hours before my exam.  I will be drinking lots of black coffee, munching on some sort of muffin, and then hopefully passing my test.  Then, it's back to even more studying...lovely.  What a great way to spend a Wednesday.  Next weekend cannot come soon enough, I swear, but at least being so busy makes this week fly by.  All my weeks do because I have so much going on, but seriously, this week from hell is going lightning speed.

P.S.  I bought a pair of skinny jeans yesterday!!!!!  Let me just say that again so you can read it twice:  I bought a pair of SKINNY jeans yesterday!!!!!  You caught that, right?  Skinny jeans?  As in, not baggy or hiding my legs, but actually fitting them slimly from hip to ankle?  They actually look good because they're a good length, bunching slightly at my ankle, a dark blue color, and fit my bubble butt.  They're relatively high waisted, so no muffin top going on, and I don't have to worry when I bend over.  Of course, I wear long shirts with them but still.  And I can put on my brown riding boots, which is excellent.  So I was pretty pumped about my random purchase yesterday and the single pair of jeans I tried on in the dressing room, thinking that there was no way in hell they'd fit.  Also, all my clothes from when I was skinniest are about 5 pounds from fitting how I like them to.  Sure, I can squeeze into them, but I don't like things to be so tight.  I haven't stepped on the scale (don't plan to because the number will depress me no matter what), but I like to eyeball my weight.  My mom will be proud...I'm even kind of proud.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Forgot a title again...well, I did, until I edited it with this "title"

Okay, so I'm relatively proud of myself for not doing anything overly harmful yesterday.  I had a pumpkin muffie at Panera, lots of black coffee, several diet root beers, a lean cuisine, and pb m&ms, which kept me under 1000.  Obviously, I'd rather stay less than that and my goal is around 500 today, but I've been losing weight without having my sole focus be eating as little as possible.  Of course, when I say that, it still consumes my mind, and I've been eating very little.  I know that I tend to binge when I feel deprived of something, so pb m&ms or something else sweet have become a daily addition to my intake, and while it adds a little bit of calories to my day, it prevents a break in my personal diet plan so I've been losing more weight and successfully keeping it off.  It's also helped my mind not think about all the foods I can't have and thinking more about what small treat I want to nibble on for hours during the day.  I eat my m&ms in three bites, starbursts in four, etc., so when I say it takes hours to eat, I mean it.

I have a shit ton of homework that I have to do this week, including two written assignments for chemistry, a history exam, and a chemistry exam (which is going to be the death of me).  Fortunately, it will all be over by Halloween but this week is going to be rough.  And I know that I pissed off my roommate on Saturday night.  I had a bit of a panic attack when we were at one of the bars and left.  It's frustrating for me sometimes to be around so many people and feel like they're either looking at me because I'm a freak or ignoring me.  I don't know which is worse, to be honest.  A few guys hit on me, and one of the guys we were with, would then pull me away and pretend to be my boyfriend.  But moving on, I just felt flustered, paranoid, and couldn't calm down inside, so I begged my roommate to let me walk home alone.  She finally relented, clearly irritated, but she didn't say anything about it yesterday.  So when I got home, I unfortunately binged a little and then...well let's just say it was difficult to walk yesterday, and I wrapped my arms eventually because the fabric of my sweater was really painful.  Lots of neosporin later, I'm feeling much better and not in so much pain.   That probably won't last...but it's nice to be able to walk without cringing for a day. 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I think I was being overly sensitive yesterday because my roommate is talking to me again today and we're going out tonight.  I bought chardonnay (delicious) to drink tonight; white wine is good for you.  We went shopping a little bit to look around for things to wear, but of course, nothing fit me....well, that's kind of a lie.  Things fit me, but I just don't like how I looked in the clothing.  Without a car, I have to go to the only two available stores on my college campus, and they are filled with the kind of clothing that just isn't good for my body.  It tried on larges in everything, and it was all too big.  I knew it would be, but for some reason I just can't pick up a medium.  It's a mental thing, maybe.  I'm afraid that if I try on a medium, it will be way too small.  But logically, since the larges were way too big...whatever.

So I'm probably just going to wear pants, a sweater, a usual.  I have to cover every inch of skin I have for some unknown reason.  I mean, I can't wear short sleeves for obvious reasons, but my legs are just hideous, so naturally, I can't wear a skirt or dress unless I have on tights as well.  I prefer to wear jeans that are stretched out so that no one can see my form, and oversized sweaters are excellent.  I feel so exposed if I only have on one layer of clothing.  And while I get compliments on my clothes and outfits during the day, my friends (the few that I have) don't like it when I wear such conservative clothing to bars.  They say that's why I don't get hit on, but I think the reason I don't get hit on is because I unconsciously give off this, "Stay the fuck away from me," vibe.  I do have a tendency to assume every guy at a bar is a creep because they're at a bar...which is ridiculous because so am I.  So I continue to look down on them as I sip my chardonnay or kettle one and wonder why no decent guy is hitting on me.  I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.

And I'm sorry about the whole razor thing.  I really do wish I could stop that, but it's already sitting beside me because I feel like such a fuck up right now.  I'll try not to mention it too much so that you don't feel the need to worry, but I'd like to thank you for all your support regardless.  I'll definitely let you know if I need someone to talk to.  Because I can't tell anyone around me since once the cat's out of the bag you can't stuff it back in, but it would be nice just to have someone to confide in.



I feel like I have no friends.  There are people that I talk to, joke around with, see during the day...but when it comes down to actual friends, I have almost none.  My one friend is out of town this weekend, and now I don't know who to turn to.  Even my roommate doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.  I don't blame her, though, because truthfully, I don't even want to hang out with me.  It really sucks that I'm stuck with myself.

So my weekend has been reduced to one of work, studying (or staring at a book confusedly for a few hours), and practicing self destruction.  Speaking of which, I was perusing cvs because I needed contact solution, and I was going to look for something to snake our shower drain.  There wasn't anything there for the latter, but the aisle coincidentally had something that looked suspiciously like an exacto blade.  Naturally, that peaked my interest, and I found single razor blades next to it.  I bought them.  This was probably both a good and bad's definitely better than a knife but it cuts skin much easier so I should be somewhat careful.  I've just been sitting at my computer, listening to soft music with a tiny light on my desk, playing with this little baby blade, and staring as red just slowly seeps upwards.  It's oddly (and morbidly) fascinating.  I sound so creepy right now...

What's especially odd about me is the fact that I don't seem like the type to do this.  My coworkers always say I look like a fashion major, waltzing around in my sweaters, lacey garments, elaborate necklaces, and fancy scarves.  I laugh loudly, make sarcastic jokes, study my ass off, and act like a "classy" (not my own words) college girl.  And then I turn around, start cutting myself, still starving, sometimes bingeing and purging, abusing laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, sometimes ipecac...I don't even know who I am anymore.  Which person is real?  The one who acts (pretends?) cheerful and like she loves life or the one who spills her feelings on this blog, in journals, and in poems?  This is what I feel and it seems real, but...I'm just lost.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

(Sigh) Fail

First off, thanks for all your wonderful input.  The color scheme is definitely staying the same because I think it's easy on the eyes and I'm definitely not a big fan of over decoration.  So I'll just brainstorm some subtle touches and finessing this weekend to make everything a little nicer, while staying simple.

Secondly, my first day of liquid fast was a failure.  I didn't eat much, and to be honest, I wasn't really feeling the fast 100 percent.  I caved at work and had sushi for's nice that I crave sushi every time I work.  I mean, let's be honest, if you're going to crave something to eat then isn't it nice when it's healthy, less than 250 calories, and filled with protein?  Thank god I'm a sushi whore.  I'll never get sick of it since we have four different kinds anyway.  And none of them have cream cheese or other ridiculously fattening additives...I know the calorie counts anyway.

And I have a story for you about work today, but I think I should put it off until tomorrow so this post isn't obnoxiously long.  It's just kind of a funny anecdote.  But on another side note, has everyone decided what to be for Halloween yet?  I don't want to dress slutty since I like to cover my body completely in my self conscious way, but I'm thinking about being Spongebob.  I need a red tie, a Spongebob t shirt, brown trouser shorts, white knee socks...okay so everything required for the costume. My roommate wants to be the three little pigs and have someone be a wolf, which is a fantastic idea.  That would be a different night, but I'll have to find something that has long sleeves without getting her disapproval.  She hates that I wear sweaters out and refuse to take them off, but I officially can't wear short sleeves considering the state of my arms.  I do have a long sleeve petal pink shirt...hmmm...

What are you being?  I'd love to hear!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010


I feel like my blog needs a little decoration, but I don't know what yet.  If anyone has idea, feel free to let me know!  I won't be changing anything for a while since I'm so swamped by all my homework and things, but it's in the back of mind nonetheless.

Also, I'm starting a fast tomorrow for a week, but to be honest it's probably going to quickly turn into a liquid fast.  This is for several reasons:  1) it's easier to continue for a long time, 2) your metabolism stays up a little longer, and 3) there's a 99 percent chance I'll be drinking this weekend.  I feel like those are all quality reasons, and it's hard for me to be at work in a coffee shop for hours and hours at a time without eating anything.  It's just so tempting, especially the sushi, but if I have a soy latte then I should be fine.

Oh and I'm going to wear my new sweater tomorrow!  I'm very excited about this...maybe a hot med student will like it and flirt with me.  Maybe they flirt anyway, but I'm oblivious.  And I'm frequently told that even when I like a guy I don't make it seem like I do.  My mom continues to tell me that I need to "throw them a bone," but I don't like putting myself out there like that.  It makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't want to look desperate or pathetic.  No wonder I'm still single...

Shopping sucks

I love clothes and shopping and everything, but I have to say it can be extremely irritating sometimes.  When I went with my mom (it was a great day, by the way), I couldn't find anything.  I did find one random sweater, but considering how many things I tried on and how many stores we explored...maybe I just have a strange body type.  I have a very tiny waist, which is the only part of me that I'm proud of when it comes to my body, but I also have a good sized chest (C cups) and a "bubble" butt.  And while guys supposedly like that, and maybe I wouldn't care so much if I was smaller as a whole, but clothes are never made for the hourglass figure.  Sure, they claim to be, but they're totally not.  If the apparel fits my butt, then it's too big in the legs or huge on my waist.  And if the sweater or shirt fits my chest, the rest of it is really baggy...obnoxiously so.  Or things are just too short.  I'm 5'7", which isn't super tall, but I prefer my shirts to be a bit longer anyway.

(Sigh) I guess tailoring is the thing for me, but who wants to buy something and have it not fit at the time of purchase???  The only two items that I fell in love with were a red hat with a giant black bow on it and a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous!, faux fur coat.  The hat was amazing because it was a little bigger on my head, which I like since I'm a big fan of teasing my hair, so it kind of naturally creates that effect by just being a larger hat.  And the coat was just...I can't even put it in words.  Sadly, they were just too expensive.  The hat was well within my budget range, but I wasn't going to spend that amount for a hat. A sweater?  Sure.  Pants?  Shit yes.  A hat?  Hell no...tempting, though.  I'd also love another pair of boots, but I feel like good ones are hard to find because I like when there's a lot of space between the boot and my calf.  I have big calves...okay, I just have big everything and wish I didn't.  One day...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Day with my mom

Today is finally the day I get to hang out with my mom!  It's only been a month since I last saw her, but I'm excited anyway.  We're very close (although she's knows nothing about my, um, self destructive habits), and I think it will be a great day.  Also, I've been losing a decent amount of weight (don't want to jinx it so knocking on wood...and hoping my desk is legit wood and not fake paint), so I look okay.  Sadly, my straightener broke this morning, but I have naturally straight hair so it's not devastating.  Aaaand I got acrylic nails yesterday with one of my friends, and they look very pretty.  I'm a nail biter, so I was sick of having ugly hands and nails.  They're currently painted a deep purple, which suits me perfectly.  I'm a big fan.

And I also have a little update on what apparently went on last weekend when I was blacked out and wasted out of my mind.  Apparently, I made out with a coworker?  And not only was a girl.  In my defense, she started it and tried to kiss another girl, too, but I was so drunk that we just went at it.  Afterwards was when I face planted and probably became more of a wreck.  Fortunately, I didn't actually get sick until I was home, which explains why none of my coworkers mentioned it (thank god!)  At first, when I heard this story, I was horrified, but then I quickly got over it and realized it's just kind of funny.  I feel like when girls make out, it isn't really a big deal.  Neither one of us swing that way (it's fine if people do, of course), and we were just wasted.  Besides, guys find it a turn on sometimes anyway...It's funny that I had an odd feeling in the back of my mind and glimpses in my dreams this past week of making out with her, but I pushed it back and just thought my mind was going crazy.  I guess my subconscious remembered.  Good thing, too, that this other girl I work with informed me that I was hilarious, and she had a blast and "soooo much fun" playing beer pong with me that night.  Phew!  I was worried I made a complete idiot out of myself, but if I was entertaining in a positive way then I did my job!

Likely going out tonight, too, but my game plan is to not black out, to not drunkenly eat (which I succeeded last weekend in that arena), and to wake up in my own bed again.  Wish me luck!  Oh, and not get sick...I do work tomorrow, after all.

Friday, October 15, 2010


I have a little funny anecdote from today, if you want to call it that.  So I was at work, in my little cafe, and a rather cute medical student came to buy some coffee.  He's one of our regular customers and was feeling chatty, asking how my coworker and I were doing.  She said great, and I gave one of those little (adorable, ahem) grunts.  If I've never mentioned it, I'm a chemistry major (Note:  anyone with the option...don't choose chemistry as your sucks) so I have a ton of homework, stress, and projects to worry about, all which fry my brain.  And unfortunately, most of the work that weighs down on me is weekly, so as soon as I finish one assignment, the next is already being assigned.  It's never ending.

Anyway, he laughed (cutely), and joked for a while as I got his coffee.  But one of the things that he said is why I titled this entry "ironic."  He glanced at our plastic cutlery and said, "Don't let her near these sharp objects.  Only spoons for her!"  Or something like that.  Now, it was highly amusing, and I definitely laughed...but at the same time, I was inwardly thinking...shit, if only they knew that I already use pointy objects.  Of course, the reason being my self abuse has nothing to do with chemistry, which while I complain about the load of coursework, isn't what actually stresses me out in life.  It's just what I verbally complain about because I'm not going to complain about my self destruction, fatness, etc.  But I thought you would enjoy the story regardless and had to share it.  I wasn't offended by any means...and the guy was cute (which I've mentioned at least three times already).

So hello, Irony.  Thanks for entertaining me today and making my boring life somewhat interesting.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mama Visit

My mom's coming up on Saturday, and I'm really excited.  We'll probably be going shopping, which usually consists of her trying to dress me to her liking (I swear she thinks I'm a doll sometimes) and me choosing some frilly, romantic looking sweater instead.  Our two style's are completely different, but I admit that she does a pretty good job guessing what I would like anyway.  She's more of a Talbots or Chico's kind of person, like most moms, while I like to dress as a cross between a free spirit and country club girl.  I am obsessed with lace, chunky knits, scarves, long necklaces, and anything gold.  I'm basically covered head to toe with lots of layers, showing absolutely none of my form, which further irritates my mother.  I have that "hour glass" figure, but I like to cover it up...although I am secretly proud that I have a very small waist...too bad I cover it up anyway haha

One thing I'll have to be extra careful about this weekend though is making sure my arms are fully covered at all times.  That's really not a problem for me, considering I'm always wearing a long sleeved sweater and the weather is cooling off, but lately now sleeves have become, not just a preference, but vital.  You might be able to guess why my arms can't be shown to the public, and I'm a little embarrassed about it.  And no, it's not because they're excessively fat (although they are, in my opinion), but people would be a little shunned by the little lines currently littering my forearms.  I feel like I've already been headed down a self destructive path (clearly), and this is just yet another hump that I had to cross.  I don't go very deep because requiring stitches isn't really my goal; it's more just that I feel like I deserve it.  And it's probably more of that dark secret obsession that I seem to have.  It's something I can call my own.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed that there's going to be a special on eating disorders on E! ?  My roommate was mocking it earlier, and I know that I'm DEFINITELY not going to be around to watch it. I think the word "awkward" doesn't even begin to explain how I would feel if I did watch it, especially with a roommate who doesn't think I have a problem...which is best but yeah, not watching it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Drunken nights not meant to be remembered

...where to begin...well, I woke up Sunday (morning? afternoon? no idea?) with what I knew to be a horrendous hangover.  I woke up in a pool of my own vomit with unknown substances in my hair on my shirt, and on my sheets.  I felt like death, basically, and as soon as I was able to move I took a shower in an attempt to get clean.  But I didn't do a very good job of it because my stomach began getting queasy again. So afterwards, I removed all of my sheets and hobbled back into my bed, where I laid pathetically for the rest of the night.

I don't know how I managed to get that wasted, but I'm thinking the chugging of the vodka straight out of the bottle had something to do with it?  The beginning of the night was great fun, but I'm just assuming it didn't end well.  Don't really want to know, to be honest.  And my wrists and pinkie finger are killing me, which makes me wonder what the fuck I could've done to them.  Did I crawl around or something?!'s going to be embarrassing running into people I know.

Note to self:  to avoid further embarrassment, do not start chugging random liquors straight out of their containers.  It's generally not a good idea.

But since when does self ever actually take its own advice?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Poem time

Lately, I've been obsessed with "Song to say goodbye" by Placebo and "Falling Again" by Lacuna Coil.  I should add them to my already depressing track list on my blog, but until then, I highly recommend them.  Good songs.  I also wrote a lot of poems yesterday in my sleepless stupor, so I thought I'd post one while I contemplate whether going out and meeting with friends or wallowing about last night (a night of bingeing, purging, taking lots of laxatives, and other abusive things)...I'm in a better mood today, though, because I'm wearing a pretty, new sweater.  Now for the poem:

Clouds roll by in the moonlight sky,
passing shadows where the darkness lies.
Hidden creatures watching the figure,
a black cloak that keeps getting nearer.
The pale skin glows alabaster white,
eerily vibrant in the dimming light.
A chill falls upon the sumer land,
as the ghostly being raises its hand.
An omen so dark that the owls cry,
and all that is passed, left to shrivel to die.
The world has tasted a piece of hell,
the figure serving as its warning bell.
A caution to all of the future still,
where all will be food for the devil's fill.

Creepy, I know...

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sleepless nights

I decided not to sleep again last night, choosing to listen to music, drink red bull, and put off my homework.  I also binged earlier in the night and didn't purge because I'm trying not to get caught (my roommate was home).  The guilt definitely was weighing down on me, which was why I chose not to sleep.  I will be living off of exorbitant amounts of caffeine to make up for it.  Finishing chugging my black coffee now, then grabbing a huge sugar free red bull, some diet pills, and heading off to class.

Also when I put in my contacts, they burned my eyes and I had to take them out and throw them away.  Fortunately I had an extra set, but not how I like to start my day...although technically yesterday never really ended since I didn't go to bed.  I'm idly wondering how long I can go without sleeping, but I know I tend to start semi hallucinating when I go for too long.  My roommate is going home tonight so I'm hoping to do my personal self destruction in peace for once.  Pathetic.

Oh and side note, I randomly took a knife and carved "fat" into my forearm...I keep staring at it and am sickly proud of my little brand.  I shouldn't be, but I can't help it.  As if I needed more reminding of my overly large size anyway...but maybe I will finally get back on track so I don't need that reminder.  Thank god the weather is cooling off, too (ish), so it's easy to cover.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

F***ed Up?

Sometimes I wish I could just be a complete and under disaster.  I'm jealous of fallen starlets, people with legit problems, past abuse...terrible of me, I know.  I'm sure that those people all wish they could restart and will their problems away, but here I am beckoning trouble.  I think part of the problem is that I already feel like a waste but yet I'm still failing at that; I can't do anything right.  What's the point of being a little fucked up?  I'm definitely a person of extremes, easily addicted, and full of contradictions.  I want to be in chaos, I want to be a wreck, and I want to fall.  I feel like I've been on the edge for so many years, faking things too well and sashaying through life with a phony smile plastered on my face.  If someone found out about the things I do in my own personal time, then they would be shocked.  When I had a complete mental breakdown this summer over my birthday weekend, my parents were floored.  They'd never seen me in such a state, (they think I'm fine now and that it only happened because I was living alone this summer), but the only reason they haven't seen me like that is because I choose not to let them.  I just lost my control that time.

I guess I'm just tired of having minor problems.  I obviously have eating problems, but I'm not full fledged bulimic and clearly not anorexic since I'm too fat anyway.  And I may be depressed and slightly suicidal, but I've never cut (although I think about doing it all the time) and I'd never have the guts to actually kill myself.  I may be inwardly satisfied when I'm in pain, try not to sleep so I can feel more miserable, and have these strange fantasies of being all sounds so wrong, but I just don't think I deserve any better.  And to top it all off, it never ceases to confuse me how I got this way in the first place.  No one raped me, no one in my family does drugs, my parents are happily what happened?  Not having any trauma or reason for my problems makes me feel worthless and like a pointless tragedy.  Maybe that's why I tend to create problems on my own.  Is it wrong for me to wish such harm upon myself?  I think I'm just desperately seeking a reason, but logically hoping for something to happen now is a little ridiculous and belated.  But that just goes to show how fucked up I am anyway.

I'm sorry for anyone who has had such dealings in the past and please don't be mad at me for this post.  My mind is just very screwed up, I think.  And I love you all and thank you for all your comments.  I don't know if you understand just how much it really does mean to me.

Monday, October 4, 2010


I'm stressing myself out for no particular reason.  I have a lot of homework, a lot of things I need to be doing, etc., but the only thing I can focus on is my fatness.  Sometimes it feels so overwhelming that I just wish everything would go, life in general.  But while I have rampant raging thoughts of how great it would be for my life to finally end, I could never actually sum up the courage to do that myself.  I know that people always say it's a "permanent solution to a temporary problem," but this doesn't feel very "temporary" to me.  Regardless, I agree with them.  But my reasons for not taking action into my own hands is more out of cowardice; my fear of what happens when after you die is greater than my resentment of the life I am living.  Between you and me, that fear and that resentment are pretty high.

I just wish that I could live life like other, normal people.  I wish I could walk outside and not search for clues that I'm alive.  I wish I could eat something without thinking about how many calories are in every bite or worrying that my bite or nibble is too big.  I wish that when people look at me I don't automatically assume they're thinking about how disgusting I am because that's what I think of myself.  I wish I could look in the mirror and not cringe or want to shatter it.  And I wish that when people tell me I'm beautiful I could actually see what they see...for once.

But I don't, and I don't think I ever will.  My disdain for myself is so ingrained and has been growing at an exponential rate every year so that I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy, if ever happy about myself.  I went to a mary kay thing with a friend, where they taught us about skincare.  There was a mirror before us, and we had to apply the products, look at ourselves in the mirror, and smile.  I really struggled because I didn't want to look at my reflection.  It amazed me how other people can just smile at themselves, say they're beautiful, and be happy.  And all I could think was how I wanted to make a mad dash (to some unknown destination).  Why can't I be like them?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Too early for life...

It's not even 7am (although it will be by the time I finish typing this), and I'm awake and irritated.  I awoke about 40 minutes ago, washed my face, put in my contacts (which promptly burned my dry eyes), and did my makeup.  Unfortunately, something was wrong with one of my contacts, so I had to take it out, which ruined my makeup and caused me to rewash my face and redo my makeup.  I'm going for a much cleaner look today, with just mascara and foundation, blush, etc., because I don't want to look like the living dead.  I feel sorry for all you people who have to get up this early every day...I'm spoiled now, I guess, not having class until 8:30am.  But in college, that's still early.

Anyway, I have this assignment for one of my classes that's due today, and even though I've spent hours working on it already, I'm still not done.  That's the reason why I'm up before the sun, pondering how much caffeine I'll be drinking today, and supplying you with a mini rant/complaint.  I just want to get this thing done!

I'll update tomorrow with something more least my eyelashes look good today...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I've already come down with a cold, and it's not even October.  I'm guessing the reason behind my illness is my recent penchant for drinking myself into oblivion and seriously reducing the efficiency of my immune system.  But despite that and despite the discomfort I am currently experiencing, I am secretly relishing in my misery.  I refuse to take any cold medicine, with the exception of cough drops, and I'm not nearly drinking enough water because it hurts to swallow.  But I like feeling like my head is going to explode from congestion, and I enjoy having my throat hurt for a reason other than my fingers deciding to probe it for my own masochistic pleasure.

I guess, although this isn't a surprise, I just like being in pain, and I'm not sure why.  Part of it, I believe, is because it keeps me grounded and focused on the fact that I am alive.  Sometimes I get so caught up in my own fantasy land, struggling to find the differences between my dreams and reality (literally, I confuse them), that it helps to feel something and keep me aware of my physicality.  Maybe that's strange, but I can't help it.  It reminds me of how sometimes I refuse to go to sleep for the sole reason that it will make me feel unbelievably crummy...and no other reason except maybe to delay the following day.  It helps me to concentrate on something other than self starvation or self induced stomach ejection, putting those on the back burner while I focus on another pain.

And some guy told me today he liked how I was laid back and not crazy like other girls...ironic.  At least I keep all my stress and torture inside because it's nice to not appear insane.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


So I decided to go out twice this past weekend, and ended up purging for the first time in over a week.  I was so proud that I had made it such a long time without doing it, but in my drunken state I binged and purged...felt like death the next day.  And I did it again yesterday before going out.  My throat is killing me, but I think it's the combination of the purging and a possible cold coming on.  My nose is also stuffy, and my throat is really swollen.

I just wish that I could stop being such a freak and get over my problem.  Every time I turn around, there is some tv show about some girl with an eating disorder, and the people around me all make fun of it or think, "How could someone do that?"  But my entire self worth is based on how I look.  My mom tells me that the best way for me to get a job when I graduate would be to lose ten pounds because then apparently my "beauty is almost overwhelming."  WTF?!  And then she turns around and tells me that I need to do some "soul searching" and not place all my value on how much I weigh...will she just make up her mind?!

It's frustrating trying to figure out my life and the point of it all when she says things like that.  I feel like I can't figure it out on my own or else I would have already, but what else can I do?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I wrote several poems last night while I couldn't sleep sooo I'm posting two of them.  They came to me without much thought...maybe insomnia should be my new muse.  Enjoy:

the shadows passing in the evening light,
the moon creeping in to take the night.
the face appears to haunt your dreams,
to laugh and mock your habitual sleep.
the devilish sound, it reaches your ears,
stealing your bliss to awaken your tears.
gone is your rest and lost is your peace
til the breaking dawn ends the devilish feast.

the sunlight beats down from an open sky,
burning my skin while i refuse to cry.
i curl inward to ignore blatant pain,
pretending i'm calm, still somewhat sane.
but the voices don't stop screaming inside.
i'm the one thing from which i can't hide.
i'd like to tame this self made dark beast,
but i doubt i will ever know such release.
it does not do to dwell on these dreams
when a dream is all and all it will be.