Sometimes I wish I could just be a complete and under disaster. I'm jealous of fallen starlets, people with legit problems, past abuse...terrible of me, I know. I'm sure that those people all wish they could restart and will their problems away, but here I am beckoning trouble. I think part of the problem is that I already feel like a waste but yet I'm still failing at that; I can't do anything right. What's the point of being a little fucked up? I'm definitely a person of extremes, easily addicted, and full of contradictions. I want to be in chaos, I want to be a wreck, and I want to fall. I feel like I've been on the edge for so many years, faking things too well and sashaying through life with a phony smile plastered on my face. If someone found out about the things I do in my own personal time, then they would be shocked. When I had a complete mental breakdown this summer over my birthday weekend, my parents were floored. They'd never seen me in such a state, (they think I'm fine now and that it only happened because I was living alone this summer), but the only reason they haven't seen me like that is because I choose not to let them. I just lost my control that time.
I guess I'm just tired of having minor problems. I obviously have eating problems, but I'm not full fledged bulimic and clearly not anorexic since I'm too fat anyway. And I may be depressed and slightly suicidal, but I've never cut (although I think about doing it all the time) and I'd never have the guts to actually kill myself. I may be inwardly satisfied when I'm in pain, try not to sleep so I can feel more miserable, and have these strange fantasies of being tortured...it all sounds so wrong, but I just don't think I deserve any better. And to top it all off, it never ceases to confuse me how I got this way in the first place. No one raped me, no one in my family does drugs, my parents are happily married...so what happened? Not having any trauma or reason for my problems makes me feel worthless and like a pointless tragedy. Maybe that's why I tend to create problems on my own. Is it wrong for me to wish such harm upon myself? I think I'm just desperately seeking a reason, but logically hoping for something to happen now is a little ridiculous and belated. But that just goes to show how fucked up I am anyway.
I'm sorry for anyone who has had such dealings in the past and please don't be mad at me for this post. My mind is just very screwed up, I think. And I love you all and thank you for all your comments. I don't know if you understand just how much it really does mean to me.
I don't think you're alone in this. While you're life might seem picture perfect other than your ED, many of our lives are. I've battled with addiction, been raped, cut myself, been suicidal, and was neglected by my parents as a child because they were going to get a divorce.. So pretty much everything you've talked about. I also struggle with addiction and have an ED. Although we seem very different, we are so similar. This post made me realize how I wish harm upon myself. Sometimes I feel so worthless that I think I deserved the things that I've gone through, and sometimes I think I deserve even worse. I think I'm rambling now, I always do. But all in all I just wanted you to know I don't think you're screwed up. And that you're even normal?
ReplyDeleteAlways here to talk.
XX Sarah
I understand this, we all go throught things mental and physical that shape us. love you no matter what.
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