Monday, October 4, 2010


I'm stressing myself out for no particular reason.  I have a lot of homework, a lot of things I need to be doing, etc., but the only thing I can focus on is my fatness.  Sometimes it feels so overwhelming that I just wish everything would go, life in general.  But while I have rampant raging thoughts of how great it would be for my life to finally end, I could never actually sum up the courage to do that myself.  I know that people always say it's a "permanent solution to a temporary problem," but this doesn't feel very "temporary" to me.  Regardless, I agree with them.  But my reasons for not taking action into my own hands is more out of cowardice; my fear of what happens when after you die is greater than my resentment of the life I am living.  Between you and me, that fear and that resentment are pretty high.

I just wish that I could live life like other, normal people.  I wish I could walk outside and not search for clues that I'm alive.  I wish I could eat something without thinking about how many calories are in every bite or worrying that my bite or nibble is too big.  I wish that when people look at me I don't automatically assume they're thinking about how disgusting I am because that's what I think of myself.  I wish I could look in the mirror and not cringe or want to shatter it.  And I wish that when people tell me I'm beautiful I could actually see what they see...for once.

But I don't, and I don't think I ever will.  My disdain for myself is so ingrained and has been growing at an exponential rate every year so that I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy, if ever happy about myself.  I went to a mary kay thing with a friend, where they taught us about skincare.  There was a mirror before us, and we had to apply the products, look at ourselves in the mirror, and smile.  I really struggled because I didn't want to look at my reflection.  It amazed me how other people can just smile at themselves, say they're beautiful, and be happy.  And all I could think was how I wanted to make a mad dash (to some unknown destination).  Why can't I be like them?


  1. oh gosh hun, i so know how you feel.
    i just don't get it, how people can live. they all seem so happy and content with themselves. always so pleased. i wish i could too.
    maybe they're all just as fucked up as we are too? we can only hope.
    staystrong, page.

  2. oh honey :( i know this feeling. like we are manaquins behind the glass watching the happy people walk by...