Music

Music plays such a key role in my life.  When I'm feeling down, I listen to something soft, with sad words, and a soothing melody.  When I'm feeling energized (or want to be), I listen to rap or some form of upbeat pop song (but nothing "bubbly" because that's not my style).  When I'm doing homework or cleaning my room, I tend to listen to Enya or instrumental music...I try not to listen to something with lyrics when doing homework because accidentally mixing a song lyric into your answers would be awkward.  And of course, I have my "go to" music that I could just listen to whenever.  I have a favorite band, and there isn't a single song of theirs that I don't love...which is rare but their style suits me.  I don't know why I'm too timid to list my favorite artists, but it just feels too personal.  That's why I'm glad I have an ipod shuffle so people can't see what I'm listening to.

But I can't help but wonder sometimes if it's my mood that chooses what songs I feel like listening to or if it's the song that puts me in the mood...like the age old question of which came first:  the chicken or the egg?  I honestly don't know.  I do know that music amplifies whatever I'm feeling, but now I beg the question of you...

Music or Mood?

[Insert colorful word of choice] Valentine's Day

Oh, Valentine's Day, you are an utterly pointless holiday.

I'm sure many people get depressed when they're single on Valentine's Day, but to be honest, I'm kind of indifferent (to being single, I mean...I have strong opinions on every other matter regarding this day).  Being single on February 14th doesn't bother me since, well, I've always been single anyway.  What bothers me is the purely superficial, materialistic, fake, and just plain dumb dedication to a day that was never founded on anything other than Hallmark wanting to make some money.  Okay, maybe there was a St. Valentine and there could be some historical basis, but it's not like Christmas or Easter where people actually acknowledge it.  Instead, it's as though the "holiday" arose out of thin air, and what good is it anyway?  When you were little, you had to bring cards to school for everyone in class, even though you knew that some of the ones you received were merely obligatory and would not have found their way onto your desk if the giver actually had the choice.  When you were in high school, it was simply a popularity contest about who could accumulate the most carnations.  In college, it's all about single girls getting upset about not having a boyfriend and drowning their sorrows in chocolate.  And then you have married couples who go out for no reason other than that they're "supposed" to.

I really don't feel like I would feel any differently if I were in a relationship; Valentine's Day will still be stupid.  The guy doesn't want to buy pointless gifts, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to receive them.  Flowers wither and die, chocolate will make me fat, and what the fuck would I do with a teddybear?!  If, in the future, I have a boyfriend, I will make sure he understands that we will not be doing anything out of the ordinary than our usual routine, and if he feels the uncontrollable need to buy me something then I would like an extra delicious americano or double espresso because that means much more to me.

In conclusion, if anyone feels left out today, please don't.  Just be happy you don't have to partake in the cheesiness that is this holiday.  I am.

A fine line?

I saw my parents today, and a pleasant day was ruined by the final lecture I received before being dropped off at my apartment.  Perhaps it's a fine line between giving constructive criticism and being mean, but my feelings were hurt regardless.  It didn't really hit me until I was home, alone, and confused.  I ended up binge and purging (like I usually do after seeing my parents) and bought fresh razor blades.  Healthy, I know.

What my mom told me was this in a nutshell:  I need to take down the sign that says "BITCH" plastered on my forehead.  Wow.  Thanks, mom, I'm really feeling the love now.


I'm not mean or rude to people, but I'm not exactly overly friendly to people I don't know.  I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing when living in a big city on my own; it's more of a protective mechanism.  I just don't trust people that easily, and it's not like she's excessively friendly to strangers either.  But what I'm most confused about is whether I truly am a bitch or not...I never thought myself to be mean, but does my thick barrier that I've constructed around myself give off that vibe?  None of you would know, I suppose, since I've never met you...and you would probably think I'm a bitch by glance because that's what people have told me after a first impression.  Apparently it's my appearance?  If I wasn't so paranoid someone would recognize me (because with my luck they would), I'd post a picture.

Anyway, is it constructive criticism or insulting?  I don't know, but I'm hurt inside either way.  Not that I'd tell her that.