Sunday, December 4, 2011

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

I finally put up Christmas decorations today, and now my house feels infinitely more festive.  I wish I could enjoy the holiday season a bit more, but as it is, I'm a little overly stressed at the moment. Work has been obnoxiously busy, and I'm applying to graduate school with the full knowledge that my grades are pathetically below desirable.  There are too many things going on for me, and I'm struggling a bit to cope with all of it.  This is one of those times that I wish I had a friend.

Working with girls my age is great because they're a lot of fun, but I don't like for fellow employees to know personal things about me, even if they're more like friends.  I like to go to work, pretend as though my life is perfect, and act cheerfully.  Sometimes it feels like I'm living a lie, but I'd rather do that than see pitying, knowing eyes staring at me like they did back in high school when you can only hide your problems for so long.  Still, there's certainly times I wish that I had someone to confide in about things - nothing deep or particularly serious (I only have one friend for that, if she asks when I'm drunk) but just anything to get of my chest.  I had my first ever boyfriend, I guess you could call him, last summer.  It was only a month, and we both mutually (thank god) decided it just wasn't really working.  I never told the girls at work; they think I still have never had one.  I can never mention it to them for certain reasons, but on top of that, they also completely and utterly lack the ability to keep secrets.  I, however, do keep them.  One woman told me something she didn't want the others to know, and when I didn't say anything and they found out I had known the whole time, they wanted to know why I didn't tell them.  I suppose I just feel that when someone tells me a story, it's theirs to tell and not mine to share.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.  Mine was great except for the fact that I definitely gained 5 lbs and purged every day I was there.  Doing so in a relative's house with people around all the time is awful, and I recommend not doing it...ever.  I've totally done it at my grandparents, too, but moving on.  I much prefer my private, hidden away bathroom at home.  My own personal haven for my twisted mind.  Now I'm going to burn off the pita chips I consumed today.  Whoops :(