Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'll be gone for 10 days!!!!

I'm leaving for Arizona for my spring break tomorrow, and I'll be without a computer (most likely) until NEXT Friday. If you want to contact me for any reason, I'm very open to it. I know that I'll be experiencing withdrawal from Pretty Thin, Doll Parts, and my blog and would love some inspiration. So if you send me a message, which I'm pretty sure is possible through this site and the others, then you can send me your number and be a texting buddy. You have until 11am tomorrow since I'm leaving for the airport at noon.

Here is my update for today, and I have come to the realization that my priorities in life are very skewed. Firstly, I have no sense of self preservation as I have mentioned before. In fact, it is my goal in life to be a complete mess. I'm not sure why that is, but I have always dreamt of having problems since I was little. And I think, in the end, that dream was in itself a problem because now I see that all of my mental instability has led me down this masochistic path. (I apologize for my lack of beautiful wording but my fingers are in a flurry...partly because I am eager to pack for my trip and partly because of the pills I just took.)

I did not sleep much last night, which made me susceptible to a binge. I am an extremist: I either starve or I binge and purge like crazy. There is no in between, and I have not had a "normal" day of eating in several months. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had an average day of between 1200 or 1500 calories (that is what I consider normal). Note that my "normal" day is still set so that the average person would still be losing weight...yeah...still not normal. But anyway, I binged on sweets and a pizza lunchable (random, I know, but there's something about a kid's meal that I love), and I threw it all up. I have always wanted to throw up until my throat burns and my stomach is empty. Today I succeeded. I looked at myself in the mirror, glassy eyed, seeing stars, and throat throbbing, and told myself, "You are fucking puking until there is blood." Yes, I literally said those exact words. I did not see any blood, but eventually I was dry heaving. I took a few sips of water, and that was all that came up on my next round. I have purged three times now in the past two days, but I have only really had one binge. I'm not bulimic and I'm not anorexic, but I certainly have strong tendencies towards both sides. And I'm self destructive either way.

And after throwing up, what did I do? I took a diet pill, two diuretics, and two cinnamon tablets. It won't kill me, but I did take it all on a supposedly empty stomach. As such, my fingers are flying in anticipation. This will be an interesting packing adventure. So, I will leave you to read post and PLEASE feel free to send me a message. Even though I rant, I am an open person and will send you lots of witty inspirational texts if you'd like. Make me feel loved :)


I am procrastinating studying for my biochem final, so here are my most recent mind rantings.

It has always made me uncomfortable being in public. No matter where I go, I find myself the object of a million pairs of eyes. I don't mean the quick glance to acknowledge that a new person has entered the area, room, store, street, etc., but full on stares. Several pairs of eyes and heads whip in my direction, and I wonder if I am walking around in my underwear or if my hair is wildly out of place. I hurry to the nearest restroom to check my appearance in the mirror.

Pants? Check. No VPL (visible panty line)? Check. Makeup? Check. Hair? Check.

So what the fuck is wrong with people?! Does this happen to anyone else? I am not imagining people looking at me or overanalyzing their stares. Even people in passing cars and vans turn their heads around as they drive past, and my friends have told me before that a waiter has literally followed my ass with his eyes as I walked by. I don't appreciate people doing this, and I want to know exactly why they feel the need to gape as though they've never seen a human being before. I know it isn't because I'm fat, even though I am convinced I am, but the stares have increased exponentially since I've lost the past 20 lbs. Maybe people are really just bored and have nothing better to do with their time, but why me of all people? I am not exotic, I am not skinny, I am nothing special. I'd love to think that I just don't see what they do, but I am realistic and know that these people are just mentally disturbed.

All I want to do is shrink in a corner and be invisible or fade away into thin air. I don't want the attention of strangers on the street; I want the attention of the people I know who take me for granted. I guess life just isn't fair after all.

Monday, March 15, 2010


I don't understand. I stepped on the scale after having less than 300 calories for the past few days, and I haven't lost much weight at all. I wanted to cry, and in fact I sat down as if I would. But I don't cry because that's stupid, and I'm not going to be weak...or at least, I'm trying not to. I have two finals tomorrow, and I work twice today. That means that I will be incredibly busy. So I'm not eating today or tomorrow. I'm just going to drink black coffee, tea, sugar free Red Bull, water, and lots of diet pop.

I leave for spring break in two days, and while I'm incredibly excited, I also have this gut feeling that the innocent friendship between my roommate and I is going to take a turn for the worse. She doesn't know that I have this problem. I hide it well. I know she is a good friend and cares deeply for others, but I can't be friends with someone who tries to be intrusive. I'm going to do my best to hide my habits and lack of eating, but as we will be together at all hours of the day, it is going to be substantially more difficult. I can just see high school happening over again...the worried glances, the attempts to make me eat their scraps, the fall out, and my epic search for a group of friends that, frankly, just didn't care as much for my well being. I've been afraid of the whole thing repeating itself in college and have managed to postpone the inevitable for such a long time now. But I think that time has come to an end.