Here is my update for today, and I have come to the realization that my priorities in life are very skewed. Firstly, I have no sense of self preservation as I have mentioned before. In fact, it is my goal in life to be a complete mess. I'm not sure why that is, but I have always dreamt of having problems since I was little. And I think, in the end, that dream was in itself a problem because now I see that all of my mental instability has led me down this masochistic path. (I apologize for my lack of beautiful wording but my fingers are in a flurry...partly because I am eager to pack for my trip and partly because of the pills I just took.)
I did not sleep much last night, which made me susceptible to a binge. I am an extremist: I either starve or I binge and purge like crazy. There is no in between, and I have not had a "normal" day of eating in several months. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had an average day of between 1200 or 1500 calories (that is what I consider normal). Note that my "normal" day is still set so that the average person would still be losing weight...yeah...still not normal. But anyway, I binged on sweets and a pizza lunchable (random, I know, but there's something about a kid's meal that I love), and I threw it all up. I have always wanted to throw up until my throat burns and my stomach is empty. Today I succeeded. I looked at myself in the mirror, glassy eyed, seeing stars, and throat throbbing, and told myself, "You are fucking puking until there is blood." Yes, I literally said those exact words. I did not see any blood, but eventually I was dry heaving. I took a few sips of water, and that was all that came up on my next round. I have purged three times now in the past two days, but I have only really had one binge. I'm not bulimic and I'm not anorexic, but I certainly have strong tendencies towards both sides. And I'm self destructive either way.
And after throwing up, what did I do? I took a diet pill, two diuretics, and two cinnamon tablets. It won't kill me, but I did take it all on a supposedly empty stomach. As such, my fingers are flying in anticipation. This will be an interesting packing adventure. So, I will leave you to read post and PLEASE feel free to send me a message. Even though I rant, I am an open person and will send you lots of witty inspirational texts if you'd like. Make me feel loved :)