Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I am procrastinating studying for my biochem final, so here are my most recent mind rantings.

It has always made me uncomfortable being in public. No matter where I go, I find myself the object of a million pairs of eyes. I don't mean the quick glance to acknowledge that a new person has entered the area, room, store, street, etc., but full on stares. Several pairs of eyes and heads whip in my direction, and I wonder if I am walking around in my underwear or if my hair is wildly out of place. I hurry to the nearest restroom to check my appearance in the mirror.

Pants? Check. No VPL (visible panty line)? Check. Makeup? Check. Hair? Check.

So what the fuck is wrong with people?! Does this happen to anyone else? I am not imagining people looking at me or overanalyzing their stares. Even people in passing cars and vans turn their heads around as they drive past, and my friends have told me before that a waiter has literally followed my ass with his eyes as I walked by. I don't appreciate people doing this, and I want to know exactly why they feel the need to gape as though they've never seen a human being before. I know it isn't because I'm fat, even though I am convinced I am, but the stares have increased exponentially since I've lost the past 20 lbs. Maybe people are really just bored and have nothing better to do with their time, but why me of all people? I am not exotic, I am not skinny, I am nothing special. I'd love to think that I just don't see what they do, but I am realistic and know that these people are just mentally disturbed.

All I want to do is shrink in a corner and be invisible or fade away into thin air. I don't want the attention of strangers on the street; I want the attention of the people I know who take me for granted. I guess life just isn't fair after all.


  1. Oh my god I know exactly how you feel. I even go into panic mode when I see that many stares. My mom of course says 'Oh it's a compliment' but no,I don't appreciate it at all.

    xoxo distortedperception

  2. I'm so glad I'm not alone! It always feels like I'm walking around in my underwear or something, and it makes me so self conscious!