Depressed

I haven't felt this lost in such a long time, but here I am, sitting on my couch, trying to hold back the tears. I can't wait until my roommate leaves so I can relax a little bit because I don't want her to know how I'm feeling. I am the type of person who keeps her emotions under lock and key. I always try to seem like a really strong person, even if I'm breaking down inside, and I refuse to acknowledge defeat. There may be tears fighting to fall from my eyes, but I will NOT allow a single droplet to escape.

I just made an entire playlist (currently comprised of 57 songs and counting) dedicated to depression. I don't think I'm actually clinically depressed, but I felt the need to set the mood. My roommate was watching a sappy movie that I wanted to destroy, and I'm so relieved that I now have the Olympics on instead. I don't know if maybe I've just finally snapped or lost my control, but I feel as though I've slowly been losing my power over my emotions. Of course, when I say that, I actually mean that I'm losing the strength of pretending to be happy. It takes so much energy, and I'm starting to lose the willpower. Right now, I'd rather just sit here with an emotionless mask on my face and continue to be unamused by everything around me. This is the only outlet that I have to express myself because I can't actually talk to anyone. Hiding everything in my life is so difficult sometimes, but I don't know what else to do. I have never been good at expressing my feelings, so everything that happens in my life, with the exception of my daily activities that are superficial and boring, is kept inside. Is anyone else this secretive? I just can't imagine living any other way, but it tears me apart every once in a while. At the moment, I really wish there was someone to talk to, but I just can't.

And of course, one of the reasons for my current depression is my realization that I will truly die alone. I know I mentioned how I excited I was for my alleged date on Thursday, but, as usual, it fell through. I always tell myself that I'm just going to give up. Why expend any energy getting your hopes up when you know they're going to be dashed? Well, I still do get my hopes up...deep down...even though I know that things won't work out. But can you blame me? Whenever a guy with potential wants to go on a date, I can't help but wonder if maybe this will be it, if maybe this will be the one time that we actually get to go and have a good time. But no. Just like every other time, there is no date. And I still haven't heard from the guy from last week. If he didn't want to go, then why did he ask me in the first place out of the blue? I just let myself get walked all over every time. How do I protect myself from getting hurt? I would say that I just say no every time I am asked out, but there's always that small part of me that wonders if everything will finally work out.

If only I could silence that voice...because it never has worked out and it never will.

Ow!

I'm just curious but does anyone have any solutions to not getting blisters when wearing heels? I had a meeting today, so I was in heels for about five hours. It might not sound terrible, but I had to walk all over the place, including taking a bus downtown and walking many blocks there. It was rough, and I could feel blisters forming on my feet. I waltzed around anyway as if I wasn't in pain, but when I got home and checked them out...not good. I have four blisters on my right foot and three on my left. Not tiny little ones, but angry red blisters. I'm used to that kind of thing since I used to be a rower, and for anyone who doesn't know much about rowing, the combination of twisting an oar and splashing of water absolutely DESTROYS your hands. I don't mean one or two blisters...your entire hand is literally an open wound. I used to struggle to twist a doorknob, and don't get me started on trying to my hair...

I might just blister easily, too, but I'm trying to find a product that will somehow miraculously save my feet. It never seems to matter which pair of heels I wear, they all wreck my poor feet! But they're just sooo cute.

I Am Psychic

I would just like to let everyone know that I am psychic.

Why you might ask?

Because I no longer have a date tonight.

Shocking. And people wonder why I never get my hopes up. It's better not to care, and then you'll never be disappointed.

Procrastinating...

I have a physics exam in three hours and what am I doing? Not studying. Normally, that would be fine, but I haven't really studied at all soooo I should probably not be typing this right now. Unfortunately, I can't help that I really (x infinity) hate physics. It's the worst subject in the world, and whoever invented it should be shot...I think it was Newton but he's dead anyway so I guess that would be pointless. I'm the lone chemistry major thrown into a class jam packed with socially awkward engineers. Granted, there are a few who break the very true stereotype and are actually what I would consider normal, given the circumstances, but they are few and far between. Of course, it's not like I have a whole lot of room to talk, considering I chose a major where I study chemical reactions and orbitals all day...details. Hopefully, I didn't offend anyone with my lack of enjoyment towards physics, but I have a feeling that most people would agree with me that it is a horrible subject. And if you haven't taken it yet? Cross your fingers and hope you never have to because it is lame.

Anyway, I do have some good news! I mean, it doesn't really affect you in any way, but I'm very excited to share it nonetheless. Last week I complained about my lack of love life and how I'm destined to be alone living with a bunch of felines that I don't even like, but I have a little beacon of hope in the form of a date tonight...ish. There's a guy that I hadn't gotten to talk to for a long time because he's been busy with med school (awesome), which is completely understandable. I think chemistry is near impossible, so I can't imagine how difficult medical school classes are. But we're going to see a movie or something tonight, so I am hoping that this works out well. I'm finally going to get to spend time with a guy that I am actually interested in, instead of the guys that I don't care about yet feel the need to practically worship the ground I walk on. I wouldn't mind that so much if it wasn't so irritating. Of course, in the back of my mind I am imagining how he's probably going to cancel on me or something because that is what almost always happens when I have the potential to have a date with a guy I actually would like to go out with. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that all goes well because this is a really good opportunity for me. I'll let you guys know how it all goes.

In the meantime, I should probably get back to studying so I don't fail quite as badly as is expected.

Oh, and I'm starting the ABC again today so if anyone would like to join let me know! Hint hint: Arii? I'm making it past day two this time...I'm much more motivated AND I think I'm going to buy some diet pills after my physics exam. It will be my little treat for completing a horrendous and incredibly boring test! Good thing it's only 48 minutes long.

Lent!!!!

Today is Ash Wednesday, and I am one happy camper. Unfortunately, I partook in an epic binge yesterday as it was rightly called "Fat Tuesday" or Mardi Gras. But the good thing is that I gave up chocolate for Lent, so I am not prone to bingeing over the Lenten period because my binges almost always circle around chocolate or are at least provoke by cookie dough ice cream. Additionally, Ash Wednesday, as well as Good Friday, are the two days of the year that you are expected to fast. That's right! It is ACCEPTABLE to actually not eat...every day should be this glorious! I am going to try to keep the fast going if possible, and once I fail, I am starting the ABC. I figure that since the ABC diet is 50 days and Lent is about 47 or so (they don't include Sundays in the classic 40 day count), then the diet would be the perfect plan. Priests often say that it is good to give something up and/or do something in addition. Obviously, this is not what they had in mind but whatever. I have to go catch a bus to get to class now, but I will check in later at my first chance because I have more to say.

Happy fasting day!