Saturday, June 19, 2010

Birthdays Suck

I turn 21 in 5.5 hours.  This sucks, and I wish it was Monday and all over.  I want to cry, curl up alone in my apartment, and not speak to anyone.  I want people to stop trying to plan a party for me when I tell them no, I want my mom to stop saying how grateful she is that she has a flight tomorrow because I'm "being mean," and I want people to understand that not everyone likes the attention that comes with a birthday.  They think they're making me happy but instead are turning this into the WORST birthday ever...and they wonder why I hate them (birthday, I mean, not the people).  Their good intentions are seriously depressing.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Another Day

Okay, so I just need to make it through one more full day before I will have actually made it to 21 years of age.  I've never been able to imagine myself actually surviving that long, but I still have another day so you never know what can happen between now and then.  And no, I'm not going to kill myself or anything, I'm just stating a fact that the future is unknown.

I purged for, I don't know, the billionth day in a row?  I've been stuck at the same weight for about a week, and I guess considering how much I've been eating that's not so bad...still making me extra depressed though.  My heart hurt last night after purging because I was a little more ruthless to my body than usual.  I was dry heaving or throwing up water (no blood though even though that was my goal...don't ask), and afterwards my heart hurt and my stomach was gurgling strangely.  In fact, my stomach didn't stop hurting and gurgling until a few hours ago.  I only slept two hours last night and was doing well on coffee and diet coke until I binged and purged again...and my heart hurt AGAIN but I kept throwing up anyway.  I've never felt it beat so quickly before.  Usually it beats between 50 and 55 beats per minute, which is kinda slow I guess, especially if you take into account the massive amounts of caffeine I drink.  There's probably some connection between the two, but I thought caffeine speeds up your heart rate sooo not sure why mine is still so slow.  Sometimes I swear I can't feel it at all, but since I'm not dead it's clearly still beating in there somewhere.  Anyway, I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, but you never really know until it's too late, you know?  I kind of wish I could just get a little "heart check up" to see how the poor little guy is holding up; I'm curious.  But that's not something you can really do without arousing suspicion, so I guess I'm out of luck.

A friend of mine texted me last night to inform me she and some other people are planning festivities for my 21st birthday Saturday night.  Normally, I would be flattered, but I suspect my mom (since our moms are friends) told her mom about my birthday and that's why my friend is doing this.  I HATE my birthday and always have.  I don't like the attention, and I'd much rather wait to party until the following weekend when it's no longer anything special.  I've always wanted to be 21, but I don't want to turn 21...if that makes sense.

I'm gonna go to bed because I'm fat, exhausted, sleepy, and miserable.  If anyone has any suggestions on the "thump thump" situation...(althought mine sounds more like thump...thump...thump...............thump), then feel free to let me know because I'm probably just being paranoid.  I'm not underweight, but my purging is probably the problem...and the fact that I haven't had a normal day of eating for over a's either restrict severely, fast, or binge/purge.  Terrible cycle, I know, but I'm used to it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm Back

I don't know why I haven't posted in so long; I just have been lacking inspiration and motivation.  I'm still depressed, trying to recover from a several day binge spree that ruined my weight, and feeling even more lonely now that my birthday is around the corner.  I was just in my bed willing sleep to overtake me, but of course, it didn't.  So here I am, sitting in the dark of my apartment, by myself, listening to Lacuna Coil, and typing a post finally.

My 21st birthday is on Sunday.  Most people would rejoice and be making extravagant plans for their drunken bash, but not me.  I'm not much of a birthday celebrator...other people's birthdays, sure, but just not my own.  It makes me really uncomfortable, and the only way people find out it's my birthday is if they notice on facebook.  Otherwise, I never say anything.  I don't know why I'm like that, but I've been this way for a long time and then I get depressed when no one sends me birthday wishes...but I can't expect people to be mind readers and know on their own.  I guess I feel worthless being the center of attention for something that was beyond my control in the first place.  What did I do that makes that day any more special than the next?  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  I'm still alive, which is somewhat of a surprise, but that can hardly be called an accomplishment.  At least I'll be able to drink and go to bars...well, legally.  I was doing that anyway...except, I refuse to go out in public very often, rarely drink because of the calories, and am all around just a pathetic excuse of a human being.

So if it's not obvious already, my birthday makes me feel even more miserable than I already am.  On top of that, I'm boycotting calling my mom because she has been ceaselessly nagging me about life of late.  She continuously sends me emails, texts, or tells me all of these things I need to do, and she schemes more about my life than I do!  It's frustrating because I am overwhelmed by twenty tasks she wants me to do before I can even set about finishing one.  It's too daunting, too impossible a feat, and too demanding for me to possibly succeed.  Therefore, I refuse to call her (and she never calls me, figuring I'll call her when I'm available) because I know we can't just have a lighthearted conversation so I can tell her about all the idiotic things people have done that day.  It's too bad I can't call, too, because I'm utterly alone in my apartment with no one to talk to, and I've barely spoken today.  Mostly, I just sit alone.  But I did go to the bookstore yesterday and bought a book on learning Japanese because I have free time and have always wanted to learn...noooo idea why.  (I like sushi? haha)  My mom thought that was a terrible idea, shouldn't have told her clearly, but I wanted to do something because I wanted to.

Oh well.  Can someone give me some happy thoughts?  I've just been watchign my "followers" slowly decrease in number by the day...further adding to my depression.  Life sucks.