I'm Back

I don't know why I haven't posted in so long; I just have been lacking inspiration and motivation.  I'm still depressed, trying to recover from a several day binge spree that ruined my weight, and feeling even more lonely now that my birthday is around the corner.  I was just in my bed willing sleep to overtake me, but of course, it didn't.  So here I am, sitting in the dark of my apartment, by myself, listening to Lacuna Coil, and typing a post finally.

My 21st birthday is on Sunday.  Most people would rejoice and be making extravagant plans for their drunken bash, but not me.  I'm not much of a birthday celebrator...other people's birthdays, sure, but just not my own.  It makes me really uncomfortable, and the only way people find out it's my birthday is if they notice on facebook.  Otherwise, I never say anything.  I don't know why I'm like that, but I've been this way for a long time and then I get depressed when no one sends me birthday wishes...but I can't expect people to be mind readers and know on their own.  I guess I feel worthless being the center of attention for something that was beyond my control in the first place.  What did I do that makes that day any more special than the next?  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  I'm still alive, which is somewhat of a surprise, but that can hardly be called an accomplishment.  At least I'll be able to drink and go to bars...well, legally.  I was doing that anyway...except, I refuse to go out in public very often, rarely drink because of the calories, and am all around just a pathetic excuse of a human being.

So if it's not obvious already, my birthday makes me feel even more miserable than I already am.  On top of that, I'm boycotting calling my mom because she has been ceaselessly nagging me about life of late.  She continuously sends me emails, texts, or tells me all of these things I need to do, and she schemes more about my life than I do!  It's frustrating because I am overwhelmed by twenty tasks she wants me to do before I can even set about finishing one.  It's too daunting, too impossible a feat, and too demanding for me to possibly succeed.  Therefore, I refuse to call her (and she never calls me, figuring I'll call her when I'm available) because I know we can't just have a lighthearted conversation so I can tell her about all the idiotic things people have done that day.  It's too bad I can't call, too, because I'm utterly alone in my apartment with no one to talk to, and I've barely spoken today.  Mostly, I just sit alone.  But I did go to the bookstore yesterday and bought a book on learning Japanese because I have free time and have always wanted to learn...noooo idea why.  (I like sushi? haha)  My mom thought that was a terrible idea, shouldn't have told her clearly, but I wanted to do something because I wanted to.

Oh well.  Can someone give me some happy thoughts?  I've just been watchign my "followers" slowly decrease in number by the day...further adding to my depression.  Life sucks.