Friday, October 1, 2010

Too early for life...

It's not even 7am (although it will be by the time I finish typing this), and I'm awake and irritated.  I awoke about 40 minutes ago, washed my face, put in my contacts (which promptly burned my dry eyes), and did my makeup.  Unfortunately, something was wrong with one of my contacts, so I had to take it out, which ruined my makeup and caused me to rewash my face and redo my makeup.  I'm going for a much cleaner look today, with just mascara and foundation, blush, etc., because I don't want to look like the living dead.  I feel sorry for all you people who have to get up this early every day...I'm spoiled now, I guess, not having class until 8:30am.  But in college, that's still early.

Anyway, I have this assignment for one of my classes that's due today, and even though I've spent hours working on it already, I'm still not done.  That's the reason why I'm up before the sun, pondering how much caffeine I'll be drinking today, and supplying you with a mini rant/complaint.  I just want to get this thing done!

I'll update tomorrow with something more least my eyelashes look good today...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I've already come down with a cold, and it's not even October.  I'm guessing the reason behind my illness is my recent penchant for drinking myself into oblivion and seriously reducing the efficiency of my immune system.  But despite that and despite the discomfort I am currently experiencing, I am secretly relishing in my misery.  I refuse to take any cold medicine, with the exception of cough drops, and I'm not nearly drinking enough water because it hurts to swallow.  But I like feeling like my head is going to explode from congestion, and I enjoy having my throat hurt for a reason other than my fingers deciding to probe it for my own masochistic pleasure.

I guess, although this isn't a surprise, I just like being in pain, and I'm not sure why.  Part of it, I believe, is because it keeps me grounded and focused on the fact that I am alive.  Sometimes I get so caught up in my own fantasy land, struggling to find the differences between my dreams and reality (literally, I confuse them), that it helps to feel something and keep me aware of my physicality.  Maybe that's strange, but I can't help it.  It reminds me of how sometimes I refuse to go to sleep for the sole reason that it will make me feel unbelievably crummy...and no other reason except maybe to delay the following day.  It helps me to concentrate on something other than self starvation or self induced stomach ejection, putting those on the back burner while I focus on another pain.

And some guy told me today he liked how I was laid back and not crazy like other girls...ironic.  At least I keep all my stress and torture inside because it's nice to not appear insane.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


So I decided to go out twice this past weekend, and ended up purging for the first time in over a week.  I was so proud that I had made it such a long time without doing it, but in my drunken state I binged and purged...felt like death the next day.  And I did it again yesterday before going out.  My throat is killing me, but I think it's the combination of the purging and a possible cold coming on.  My nose is also stuffy, and my throat is really swollen.

I just wish that I could stop being such a freak and get over my problem.  Every time I turn around, there is some tv show about some girl with an eating disorder, and the people around me all make fun of it or think, "How could someone do that?"  But my entire self worth is based on how I look.  My mom tells me that the best way for me to get a job when I graduate would be to lose ten pounds because then apparently my "beauty is almost overwhelming."  WTF?!  And then she turns around and tells me that I need to do some "soul searching" and not place all my value on how much I weigh...will she just make up her mind?!

It's frustrating trying to figure out my life and the point of it all when she says things like that.  I feel like I can't figure it out on my own or else I would have already, but what else can I do?