Update

So I decided to go out twice this past weekend, and ended up purging for the first time in over a week.  I was so proud that I had made it such a long time without doing it, but in my drunken state I binged and purged...felt like death the next day.  And I did it again yesterday before going out.  My throat is killing me, but I think it's the combination of the purging and a possible cold coming on.  My nose is also stuffy, and my throat is really swollen.

I just wish that I could stop being such a freak and get over my problem.  Every time I turn around, there is some tv show about some girl with an eating disorder, and the people around me all make fun of it or think, "How could someone do that?"  But my entire self worth is based on how I look.  My mom tells me that the best way for me to get a job when I graduate would be to lose ten pounds because then apparently my "beauty is almost overwhelming."  WTF?!  And then she turns around and tells me that I need to do some "soul searching" and not place all my value on how much I weigh...will she just make up her mind?!

It's frustrating trying to figure out my life and the point of it all when she says things like that.  I feel like I can't figure it out on my own or else I would have already, but what else can I do?