Trying to be more positive?

Honestly, I'm not really feeling much better about myself.  It's hard to tell if my feelings about my obesity are justified or not, especially after a woman I work with told me that she felt I was looking "too thin."  Okay, sure I don't eat at all when I'm there, but I'm definitely not too thin.  Plus, I'm the same size I've been since I lose weight and then binge, gaining it back.  And I was terrified to be put on the spot, hoping I don't ruin my chances for an internship this summer.  I guess I will just have to make up better excuses for not eating and start wearing baggy clothes and scarves.  The main thing she noted was that my collar bones stuck out...but you don't have to be skinny for that to happen.  I think that's more genetic maybe, but scarves are going to be my new favorite thing regardless.  I already love them anyway...

Also, a man on a public bus launched into a whole spiel about how beautiful my eyes were today.  He was staring at them, confused about what color they were, but how they matched my turquoise sweater.  I informed him that they were green and was a bit uncomfortable with him staring at my eyes so blatantly.  Said man (I can't remember his name) told me that I made his day and that he took care to always look for beautiful things.  He asked me if I got that a lot, and I admittedly told him yes.  (It embarrasses me every time people compliment me, most likely because I disagree with them.)  Then he got off at his bus stop.  I'm still not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out.  Sure there are always those random people on the street that stare as you walk by, but that's because they're all perverts and have nothing better to do with their time.  The guy, though, did make me feel slightly better about myself because I felt like my eyelashes weren't cooperating with me today.  They're kind of long and sometimes clump up more than I want, like this morning.  Fortunately, though, the guy seemed to be genuinely complimenting me with no intention of stalking or getting my number or anything since he was preparing to get off the bus...not to mention I'm a 20 year old college student and he is maybe a janitor?

And I have one more thing to tell you...do not see Back Up Plan.  It was kind of painful.  I saw it tonight with my roommate, and she thought it was cute, I disagreed.  There were a few scenes that were touching or comical, but they were drowned out by all the painful humor that directors apparently thought was funny?  I am very critical of movies, though, because I detest anything cheesy but still.  On the positive side, however, Jennifer Lopez is great thinspo.  I was very inspired when she was working out and strutting around in cute outfits with her petite frame.  She's definitely gotten skinnier as she's gotten older, and her stomach was so flat.  So if you want to watch a movie that is extremely painful but leave the theater with newfound motivation and the intention to never have children, then this is the movie for you.

Now I'm going to go to bed so I don't eat anything.  I've lost a few pounds, and I should be seeing a certain boy in a week (so gotta look good!).  Maybe I'll have a positive outlook tomorrow, but I'm trying not to let my depression seep its way into all of my posts.  Perhaps if I pretend to be happier for long enough, I will actually think I am...

Still Waiting

I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck in this depressing rut, but I can't seem to overcome it right now.  I'm hoping that once I lose some weight I will feel a little better.  I'm a little afraid of the fact that I'll be living alone this summer because I will either lose weight, gain weight, or die.  Logically, it will be one of the three.  But my habits worry me sometimes because what if I do something that causes me to pass out or have a heart attack or choke?  No one would find me for a long time, and by then, it would be too late.  It's funny that I'm not worried about someone else breaking into the apartment.  Other people don't scare me.  The only person who scares me is me, and I can never escape myself as hard as I try.

[Sigh]

I didn't feel any better today even though I lost three pounds.  I can feel the fat all around my body, and it just doesn't even feel like me.  I went to the bathroom while at work today, looked in the mirror, and nearly cried.  My eyes teared up, and I fell forward throwing my head towards my knees.  I felt like I was going to crumple in a heap of fat on the bathroom floor, and I haven't felt this miserable in a long time.  It was such a strange feeling, standing there by myself, and seeing the figure staring back at me in the mirror.  I felt as though I was looking at a stranger.  Honestly, I've never had a full grasp on myself, and I've never really felt like the girl in the mirror was ever me.  The sad thing is, I love her face.  It's beautiful.  It's really too bad it's ruined by the large body attached to it.

And on top of all that emotion, I was overwhelmed with a sudden desire for a suicide mission.  I'm over that now at the moment, but it was such a strong yearning that I'm still scared of it.  Sometimes it's hard to see the point in living when I'm this large.  I'd rather die thin than live fat, and it's hard for me to see how I can survive looking like this.  I just feel like a waste of space that's taking up way too much room in this world, and I don't deserve it.  I shouldn't be so gluttonous, I shouldn't even eat at all, and I shouldn't allow a smile to pass my face.  I wish I could just lose this weight so I don't feel as much like I'm wasting my life.  But is there even a point in life?  I don't see it.  Someone tell me there's something worth waiting for.

Sorry

I'm sorry I've been so distant and sporadic with my posts lately, but I've just really been feeling depressed...more so than usual.  It's not so much that I feel sad but completely lost.  It isn't a feeling that I'm used to, and it's rather unnerving.  The source for this, I believe, is that I haven't been as controlled with my eating.  There's a pattern in my life:  when I lose control of my food intake, I feel like I've lost control of my life.  It's really not an unreasonable feeling, but it affects me in such a huge way.  Without order, I feel as though my life is in complete chaos.  And even though I've cleaned my room, it is not the right kind of organization that I'm seeking.  The only way to cure my current predicament is to lost ten pounds.  I really need to break through that stupid "145".  I can lose weight so quickly, dropping ten pounds in a snap, but then I put a few more back on and end up close to where I started.  I've only gained about five pounds back, which other people probably don't even notice, but it's all I see and all I feel.  It needs to go.

I'll keep you updated on my progress, and in three days exactly (because that is my goal), I will be back to a good weight.

Fast

Okay, so quick note:

I'm fasting the rest of the week because my life is out of order and I don't like it.

Thanks.

Perfect Diet

I have come up with a new plan, and it is as thus follows:

Monday (0 calories)

8am            bottle of water

9am            bottle of water

10am            2 tbsp apple cider vinegar with water

            1 diet pill, 2 cinnamon, 2 diuretics, 1 vitamin

11am            black coffee

            bottle of water

(may continue to drink black coffee until 3pm)

3pm            powerade zero

            1 diet pill, 2 cinnamon, 2 diuretics

5pm            decaf tea

            bottle of water

9pm            diet root beer

            bottle of water

You might be wondering what spurred this, and it is the fact that I'm fat.  I'm doing a modified version of the 2468 diet (more like 02468), which I have never tried before because the calories get so high.  But considering I've been bingeing and purging more often than I'd like, I've chosen this particular plan.  I'm adding a fasting day, though, which is tomorrow.  The days work out so that the 800 calorie day is a Friday, so I'm planning on merely not eating and filling my calorie goal with vodka...that way I can actually go out with my friends for once.  And I might switch the fasting day and Saturday, so that day is the 600 calories one instead of Thursday.  It'll make more sense to you as the days go on.  I'm also not working out quite as much as I did on my fast last week, which quickly wiped me out of all energy.  I'm planning on being stronger this week and seeing where it takes me.  I've been so unhappy lately, and I thought I would see if finally hanging out with friends will cure that.  I have also been lightly toying with the idea of getting help, but it scares me too much.  For now, I will just keep it in the back of my mind.  If anyone failed at the fast and wants to try out my diet with me, I'll be posting my plan the night before each day...earlier than I did tonight.  Sorry for such a late post!