Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I didn't feel any better today even though I lost three pounds.  I can feel the fat all around my body, and it just doesn't even feel like me.  I went to the bathroom while at work today, looked in the mirror, and nearly cried.  My eyes teared up, and I fell forward throwing my head towards my knees.  I felt like I was going to crumple in a heap of fat on the bathroom floor, and I haven't felt this miserable in a long time.  It was such a strange feeling, standing there by myself, and seeing the figure staring back at me in the mirror.  I felt as though I was looking at a stranger.  Honestly, I've never had a full grasp on myself, and I've never really felt like the girl in the mirror was ever me.  The sad thing is, I love her face.  It's beautiful.  It's really too bad it's ruined by the large body attached to it.

And on top of all that emotion, I was overwhelmed with a sudden desire for a suicide mission.  I'm over that now at the moment, but it was such a strong yearning that I'm still scared of it.  Sometimes it's hard to see the point in living when I'm this large.  I'd rather die thin than live fat, and it's hard for me to see how I can survive looking like this.  I just feel like a waste of space that's taking up way too much room in this world, and I don't deserve it.  I shouldn't be so gluttonous, I shouldn't even eat at all, and I shouldn't allow a smile to pass my face.  I wish I could just lose this weight so I don't feel as much like I'm wasting my life.  But is there even a point in life?  I don't see it.  Someone tell me there's something worth waiting for.

1 comment:

  1. There is something worth waiting for, and it's different for everyone. For me, it's the family & love that hopefully I'll day...
    I generally feel really disconnected from my reflection in the mirror, too, and it's scary :S