Friday, April 23, 2010

Trying to be more positive?

Honestly, I'm not really feeling much better about myself.  It's hard to tell if my feelings about my obesity are justified or not, especially after a woman I work with told me that she felt I was looking "too thin."  Okay, sure I don't eat at all when I'm there, but I'm definitely not too thin.  Plus, I'm the same size I've been since I lose weight and then binge, gaining it back.  And I was terrified to be put on the spot, hoping I don't ruin my chances for an internship this summer.  I guess I will just have to make up better excuses for not eating and start wearing baggy clothes and scarves.  The main thing she noted was that my collar bones stuck out...but you don't have to be skinny for that to happen.  I think that's more genetic maybe, but scarves are going to be my new favorite thing regardless.  I already love them anyway...

Also, a man on a public bus launched into a whole spiel about how beautiful my eyes were today.  He was staring at them, confused about what color they were, but how they matched my turquoise sweater.  I informed him that they were green and was a bit uncomfortable with him staring at my eyes so blatantly.  Said man (I can't remember his name) told me that I made his day and that he took care to always look for beautiful things.  He asked me if I got that a lot, and I admittedly told him yes.  (It embarrasses me every time people compliment me, most likely because I disagree with them.)  Then he got off at his bus stop.  I'm still not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out.  Sure there are always those random people on the street that stare as you walk by, but that's because they're all perverts and have nothing better to do with their time.  The guy, though, did make me feel slightly better about myself because I felt like my eyelashes weren't cooperating with me today.  They're kind of long and sometimes clump up more than I want, like this morning.  Fortunately, though, the guy seemed to be genuinely complimenting me with no intention of stalking or getting my number or anything since he was preparing to get off the bus...not to mention I'm a 20 year old college student and he is maybe a janitor?

And I have one more thing to tell not see Back Up Plan.  It was kind of painful.  I saw it tonight with my roommate, and she thought it was cute, I disagreed.  There were a few scenes that were touching or comical, but they were drowned out by all the painful humor that directors apparently thought was funny?  I am very critical of movies, though, because I detest anything cheesy but still.  On the positive side, however, Jennifer Lopez is great thinspo.  I was very inspired when she was working out and strutting around in cute outfits with her petite frame.  She's definitely gotten skinnier as she's gotten older, and her stomach was so flat.  So if you want to watch a movie that is extremely painful but leave the theater with newfound motivation and the intention to never have children, then this is the movie for you.

Now I'm going to go to bed so I don't eat anything.  I've lost a few pounds, and I should be seeing a certain boy in a week (so gotta look good!).  Maybe I'll have a positive outlook tomorrow, but I'm trying not to let my depression seep its way into all of my posts.  Perhaps if I pretend to be happier for long enough, I will actually think I am...


  1. That man; I bet your eyes were just like BAM in his face. And I think that you should feel very flattered (:
    There is a perv in my school; and he complements me on my eyes. But a lot of people do, I still think they are dull and boring though... but maybe because they are my eyes?
    Maybe you are so used to yourself that you don't understand the complements that get thrown at you.
    I still think that you are a skinny bitch (:

    And your progress?
    All that I have is gain pounds. Or my scale was broken. :(
    I need a now one and soon. (:

    And yes; I think that if you think positive and happy; them you will trick your brain into being positive (:

    stay strong <33

  2. I think they've advertised the Back Up Plan WAYYYYY too much [or at least where I live] for it to be any good. Like I think I've seen at least half of the movie through so many different versions of the trailers they play on tv. Thanks for telling us not to see it then haha.
    Your progress is pretty inspiring, good luck with tomorrow ^^