Do you ever feel like you're going around through life, watching yourself from the sidelines? I do. All the time.
I feel like I'm watching a movie, where I'm not even the star of my own show, and I'm screaming at myself as I helplessly watch mistakes being made again and again. For someone who pretends to have control over her life, I sure as hell am losing my mind. I don't know who governs my actions, but it doesn't seem to be me.
There are so many people in this world, and I can't come to terms that we are each in one reality, living our lives separately and seeing the world through different pairs of eyes. It boggles my mind.
I should be studying for one of two tests that I have coming tomorrow, but here I am, typing away and putting off the inevitable. I am back to my college habits of hiding in my room, writing lyrics and poems and twisted words in the middle of the night, dreaming unending nightmares that create haunted visions in my head, and delaying the realities of the future that lays before me. Sometimes I feel that I can twist the world to suit my needs, playing naive and rejecting that which I choose not to believe. But unfortunately, I can only live in my head for so long before the world comes crashing back in and tears me down. My words, even now, don't even make sense, and they're written in melodies and whispering rhymes, flowing from my fingertips. I am quickly losing my last grips on reality, and I don't know how long it will be before it is lost completely.
I am trying to write words that are just words in sentence-form, but no matter what I do, they seem to rhyming. And that's part of what scares me, because my thoughts are just mixing up into one long, depressing song.
And it's frightening me.