Panic

I'm overwhelmed.  I want to cry, curl up in a ball, shut my door, and never leave.  I'm watching myself in the mirror and the only words that come to mind are:  pathetic, shameful, worthless.  Words cannot express this miserable feeling, the knots in my stomach, and the rapid panic of thoughts running through my head.  You might wonder what started this sudden realization of my self worth, or rather lack of it?  

I went to a graduation party with my family, intent on not eating since I'm on a liquid fast.  I wore a cute pair of blue wedges, an ivory lace dress, and gold jewelry.  It was cute, and I felt somewhat decent until I arrived.  Then the overwhelming feeling creeped slowly over me, and I was too tired to smile, too tired to make conversation, too tired to stand there.  I just couldn't fake being happy, and the strain behind my smile was unbearable.  So I said hello to the usual people and hoped I could find the window of opportunity to leave.  I didn't eat, only drank some black coffee even though it was already boiling outside.  There was a girl there who I've been friends with since we were little, but I hadn't seen her in a while since she goes to college in Florida.  She's a brainiac and going to med school.  One of the moms came up to talk to us and asked my friend about what she wants to do after graduation...well, after my friend went through her plans for med school, where, the mcat, etc., I just started feeling like, "Oh shit, what the hell am I doing?!"  I know what I want to do:  I want to graduate with my chemistry degree, get a job, and then get an M.B.A.  I do actually have a plan, but when compared to medical school...I just felt like a bum.  So the woman turns to me and asks me the same question, and I freeze.  I wanted to run away, but there was no where to go.  My mind went completely blank, and I couldn't respond coherently.

There's more to my story, but I'm too tired and exhausted to type it.  Plus, this literally just happened and I just got home.  I just want to go to bed and wake up to tomorrow.  I've only had 60 calories today.

Staying Strong

First of all, thank you for all your support and motivation!  I think a liquid fast is the greatest thing in the world because you can still get some nutrients but in a "sippable" manner.  When I'm drinking something it's easier for me to throw it away only partially consumed.  Yesterday I had half of a soy iced latte and then a homemade strawberry smoothie.  Today, unfortunately, I binged/purged but will be back to liquid fasting tomorrow.  Since my parents will be gone during the day, I can stay in my room for a while away from the kitchen and any temptation.  When they're home, I try to be social so my visit isn't wasted, but it makes me more prone to eating.  We also have a graduation party tomorrow night, and since I don't like eating in public, I can pretend I ate and sip on diet coke or something.  It should be a glorious day, and I want to step on the scale on Tuesday (when I'm back at college) to find that I lost more weight.  I had better break 145 by then...

The second thing I thought I should mention is about the book diet I'm starting on Tuesday.  Pretty much what happens is you read a book every week as a distraction and follow the diet plan.  The first two days are tea fasts, but I've been informed you can drink coffee instead or just zero calorie liquids.  I'm a huge coffee drinker, so that was important to me!  The next days are <400 cals of soft foods, but I can mention that later as the days draw near.

Thirdly, I should tell you that I got a pedicure, turned down ice cream (do a little dance! had sorbet instead but still...improvement?), and received a million compliments.  My little brother's friend is obsessed with me...literally.  My brother and mom tell me all the time how the guy talks about me 24/7 about how beautiful I am and whatnot.  He always wants to see me, but since I'm away at college it never happens.  I made his day today, apparently, because he got to say hi to me when I picked my little brother up from school.  It's funny that I get all these compliments, but I just can't see what they do.  When I look in the mirror, the person I see doesn't feel like me.  Not that I know what "me" really looks like anyway.  I thought I was ugly when I was little, and I think that concept has been so ingrained in my mind that I can't get over it.  I see pictures of myself and have this strange disconnection with it.  In fact, I hate pictures because they make me uncomfortable.  I think, "Is that really me?"  Unnerving.

Last night, I had a "lost my mind" moment, but I'll save that more tomorrow's musings because if my post is too long I feel like no one will want to read it!  Like my creepy dream post from the other day haha.  But anyway, took 4 laxatives, 2 diuretics, going to sleep (or trying to), and liquid fasting tomorrow...the bathroom and I will be great friends tonight...

Can't Sleep

I haven't been able to sleep properly lately, so I'm sitting in the dark of my room listening to "Dance in the Dark" (Lady Gaga) and "Airplanes" (B.O.B., Hayley Williams, Eminem).  They're awesome songs, and I recommend you all listen to them immediately.

I've lost a two pounds in the past, well, day because I started doing a liquid fast.  Slimfast drinks are my new favorite thing because they're chocolate, have protein, delicious, and only 190 calories.  I have it in the afternoon and spend the rest of the day chewing illegal quantities of sugar free gum, drinking mass amounts of black coffee, and an absurd amount of diet pop.  My jaw is sore from all this gum chewing...

I'm going home tomorrow for the weekend over memorial day, and it will be day 3 of my liquid fast.  Fortunately, I won't be home until dinner time so I will pretend I had a very late lunch and not eat.  I can probably get away with not eating Friday and Saturday, too, because Friday, my parents are going to dinner and Saturday, we're all going to a graduation party where no one will notice if I don't eat.  Sunday and Monday are going to be a lot trickier, but I'm an excellent liar so I should be okay.  Plus, my mom supports my weight loss...and until I'm a frail skeleton (my dream), I don't think she'll ask too many questions.

I'm going to attempt to sleep now, and if I have any psychotic dreams I will be sure to let you know.  And I'll give you the low down on the book diet if you're interested.  Just let me know.  Night, lovelies!

Creeeepy

I had a terrifying, or rather series, set of dreams last night (or more accurately, nightmares).  I'm currently perched on my bed still in my pajamas, and the memory of the dreams has somewhat faded with my wakefulness so I cannot go into detail.  I can, however, give you a general idea of what my twisted mind decided to create in my sleepy bliss.  It's long:

After finishing my term paper last night, I wasn't really tired so I didn't actually lay down to go to sleep until 5am...thought about not sleeping at all.  At one point in my dream, I was living in a house with a group of my friends, and for some reason a guy in our group decided to poison me with "(something) dehydrogenase"?  I don't think it was an actual substance, but my chemistry major background was apparently sneaking into my imagination.  I didn't know it was one of two lethal drugs whose effects cannot be reversed, and after it already made its way into my system, I was informed of this.  Two of my friends, Bethenny and Alex from Real Housewives of NYC were at lunch and Bethenny told Alex about the substance.  She wrote it down because she was an organic chemist or something in my dream, and that's when they realized I would be dying.  In my dream, I could feel it burning (probably a result of the sun seeping through the blinds in my room) and found it really painful.  A few other minor things happened, but I guess I was supposed to die.

The next part of my dream brought me to sleeping in my room while two of my friends were talking in the other room.  One of them was having marital problems and is actually married in real life.  The other came in to wake me up to find out the bus schedule.  When they left, I was suddenly in a different house with another one of my friends as my roommate.  She was giving me things so that I could take a shower in this massive bathroom on the top floor of the house.  And, for some odd reason, the flesh of the skin on my right foot was completely coming off, beginning in a heart shape.  We tried to find neosporin in her room, but all we could find were colored pencils.  That part didn't hurt, and I don't remember too much of what else happened.  Some boy drama, blah blah blah...

Then I got in a fight with my mom in another odd house and refused to talk to my family...we got into some fight over cookies.  I escaped through the window and an elevator like contraption.  My dad saw me leave while he was on the treadmill? and didn't care.  I wandered along a river that was filled with baby animals, ducklings, puppies, etc.  The ducks were cute, but soon they were overwhelming me and an old man helped me get out of the shallow water.

The final part of my dream was ed related.  I was sitting with two other women, who were telling me the story of an anorexic and a bulimic girl.  The anorexic one died, and the bulimic girl somehow survived; they were dancers I guess.  I was afraid to hear their stories, and while we were waiting for something I walked over to the cement wall and started to cry.  The wall was red with blood and I watched, entranced, as trickles of water (my tears maybe) slowly was washing away the blood.  But I was sickened by the redness as it continued to flow down.  

That's the general idea of everything that happened last night in my dream.  I know a lot of it doesn't make sense, but when do dreams ever?  When I read over it again, it's really rather creepy.  So much death, physical torture, and I was literally in pain in most of the scenes.  The terror and knot in the pit of my stomach when I discovered I was poisoned and doomed to die in an excruciating manner felt so real.  I remember having visions of my insides turning into liquid and me foaming at the mouth.  I thought, "Is this it?  My life is really over?"  I didn't like that feeling; I don't want to die yet.  But anyway, on a more realistic note, I'm doing a liquid fast today and for as long as possible.  I'm starting what is called the "Book Diet" on June 1, and for all you eager beavers and curious cats, I'll go into detail about it in a few days in case anyone would like to join.  If you go to PT, you can find it...looks promising and combines two of my favorite things:  reading and not eating!

Productive

You will be so proud of me...I finally cleaned my room today!  It felt good to finally organize something in my life, so at least one thing will be in order.  Now I just need to get my weight in check.  I took pictures last night because I couldn't sleep, and it was a huge eye opener to how ridiculously fat I am.  I'm just very depressed about this; why can't I be pretty?

I'm taking steps to changing this and trying not to binge...unfortunately, today I still had around 1000 calories, which is waaay more than I intended.  Hopefully, I still lose a little weight.  Technically, you're supposed to, and considering I've been bingeing and purging so often lately, I think my metabolism should be up, right?  I don't know, I think I'm just trying to convince myself.

I just need to have more motivation and not let the loneliness I feel at night trigger a binge.  Ultimately, the problem is that the only way I know how to deal with these depressing feelings is to binge and then purge. But starving would be so much better.  Why can't I be one of those girls that completely loses her appetite when depressed or stressed?  I do lose my appetite for stretches of time, but I'm not really sure when that occurs.  It really needs to soon; I just need more control.  Perhaps now that my room is clean, that will help me.  And once I have a car for the summer, which I should be getting soon, I can escape from my apartment to a coffee shop or library away from food.  Always a good thing.