Sunday, May 23, 2010


You will be so proud of me...I finally cleaned my room today!  It felt good to finally organize something in my life, so at least one thing will be in order.  Now I just need to get my weight in check.  I took pictures last night because I couldn't sleep, and it was a huge eye opener to how ridiculously fat I am.  I'm just very depressed about this; why can't I be pretty?

I'm taking steps to changing this and trying not to binge...unfortunately, today I still had around 1000 calories, which is waaay more than I intended.  Hopefully, I still lose a little weight.  Technically, you're supposed to, and considering I've been bingeing and purging so often lately, I think my metabolism should be up, right?  I don't know, I think I'm just trying to convince myself.

I just need to have more motivation and not let the loneliness I feel at night trigger a binge.  Ultimately, the problem is that the only way I know how to deal with these depressing feelings is to binge and then purge. But starving would be so much better.  Why can't I be one of those girls that completely loses her appetite when depressed or stressed?  I do lose my appetite for stretches of time, but I'm not really sure when that occurs.  It really needs to soon; I just need more control.  Perhaps now that my room is clean, that will help me.  And once I have a car for the summer, which I should be getting soon, I can escape from my apartment to a coffee shop or library away from food.  Always a good thing.

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