Saturday, May 29, 2010


I'm overwhelmed.  I want to cry, curl up in a ball, shut my door, and never leave.  I'm watching myself in the mirror and the only words that come to mind are:  pathetic, shameful, worthless.  Words cannot express this miserable feeling, the knots in my stomach, and the rapid panic of thoughts running through my head.  You might wonder what started this sudden realization of my self worth, or rather lack of it?  

I went to a graduation party with my family, intent on not eating since I'm on a liquid fast.  I wore a cute pair of blue wedges, an ivory lace dress, and gold jewelry.  It was cute, and I felt somewhat decent until I arrived.  Then the overwhelming feeling creeped slowly over me, and I was too tired to smile, too tired to make conversation, too tired to stand there.  I just couldn't fake being happy, and the strain behind my smile was unbearable.  So I said hello to the usual people and hoped I could find the window of opportunity to leave.  I didn't eat, only drank some black coffee even though it was already boiling outside.  There was a girl there who I've been friends with since we were little, but I hadn't seen her in a while since she goes to college in Florida.  She's a brainiac and going to med school.  One of the moms came up to talk to us and asked my friend about what she wants to do after graduation...well, after my friend went through her plans for med school, where, the mcat, etc., I just started feeling like, "Oh shit, what the hell am I doing?!"  I know what I want to do:  I want to graduate with my chemistry degree, get a job, and then get an M.B.A.  I do actually have a plan, but when compared to medical school...I just felt like a bum.  So the woman turns to me and asks me the same question, and I freeze.  I wanted to run away, but there was no where to go.  My mind went completely blank, and I couldn't respond coherently.

There's more to my story, but I'm too tired and exhausted to type it.  Plus, this literally just happened and I just got home.  I just want to go to bed and wake up to tomorrow.  I've only had 60 calories today.


  1. 60 calories is awesome. And even if you did explain yourself coherently I'm sure your friends mom wouldn't remember any of it to pass on to her daughter coherently. So it's kinda the same result anyway. Hahahaha.... ;D You're doing great, and I'm super jealous.

  2. Aww, dear :( Have a good sleep and hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow <3 Don't let her big plans bring you down-- you fucking have a plan! That's great in itself, a lot of people don't.
    Take care,

  3. One thing.... 60 cals should make you feel that much better about yourself!
    And you do have a plan. You are in collage, and that's a lot more than a lot of people I know.