Panic

I'm overwhelmed.  I want to cry, curl up in a ball, shut my door, and never leave.  I'm watching myself in the mirror and the only words that come to mind are:  pathetic, shameful, worthless.  Words cannot express this miserable feeling, the knots in my stomach, and the rapid panic of thoughts running through my head.  You might wonder what started this sudden realization of my self worth, or rather lack of it?  

I went to a graduation party with my family, intent on not eating since I'm on a liquid fast.  I wore a cute pair of blue wedges, an ivory lace dress, and gold jewelry.  It was cute, and I felt somewhat decent until I arrived.  Then the overwhelming feeling creeped slowly over me, and I was too tired to smile, too tired to make conversation, too tired to stand there.  I just couldn't fake being happy, and the strain behind my smile was unbearable.  So I said hello to the usual people and hoped I could find the window of opportunity to leave.  I didn't eat, only drank some black coffee even though it was already boiling outside.  There was a girl there who I've been friends with since we were little, but I hadn't seen her in a while since she goes to college in Florida.  She's a brainiac and going to med school.  One of the moms came up to talk to us and asked my friend about what she wants to do after graduation...well, after my friend went through her plans for med school, where, the mcat, etc., I just started feeling like, "Oh shit, what the hell am I doing?!"  I know what I want to do:  I want to graduate with my chemistry degree, get a job, and then get an M.B.A.  I do actually have a plan, but when compared to medical school...I just felt like a bum.  So the woman turns to me and asks me the same question, and I freeze.  I wanted to run away, but there was no where to go.  My mind went completely blank, and I couldn't respond coherently.

There's more to my story, but I'm too tired and exhausted to type it.  Plus, this literally just happened and I just got home.  I just want to go to bed and wake up to tomorrow.  I've only had 60 calories today.