I have to tell you that it is so nice to know that you understand my feelings so well. When I mentioned how uncomfortable the tightness of my jeans made me feel, my coworker thought I was being ridiculous. She also told me I was acting like her sister, who she has told me before has an eating disorder amongst other problems. We laughed about how I “jokingly” thought I had gained ten pounds overnight, while inwardly I was thinking, “No, but really…I gained ten pounds.” Of course, the next day I put on different pants, and they were a little looser. Why? Because I didn’t magically gain ten pounds. But sometimes (or rather, most of the time, if not all) the rational side of my brain just can’t win, and the voice screaming inside my head controlling all my actions takes control, as usual.
My skinny jeans, which I also washed and dried, fit great this morning but now are very baggy. My parents came up to visit me, and my mom was astonished at how small (in her eyes) I’ve become. She was tugging on my pants, lifting my shirt (made me nervous she'd notice the, uh, cuts on my hips but thank god for high waisted jeans), and staring at my waist, commenting, “Oh! You’re disappearing! You look so tiny!” She was very proud of me. Apparently, “disappearing” is a good thing. I mean, I’ve always though tit was a good thing, but should parents? Whatever, she was proud of me, and I have lost a good amount of weight. I’m still refusing to step on the scale because I’ve found it actually prevents a binge for me to just not know the exact number. I’d kind of rather not go back to putting a value on my worth like that, even if I’m still not really eating and still harming myself…but I’d rather forget that stupid number so that a pound fluctuation or water weight won’t bother me because I won’t know it’s there for sure.
Also, has anyone noticed all of the Christmas paraphernalia out in stores now? Since Halloween is over, I can properly enjoy it. Christmas, snowflakes, peppermint…it all puts me in a good mood. When I was walking through Target today, I could barely contain my excitement! I just love Christmas. The only downside is all of the fucking cookies, so I just won’t eat them. It’s not too hard to resist if I don’t personally make them because honestly, my own cookies are the only ones I like. I always undercook them so that they’re soft and delicious. I don’t know what I do to them that makes them so magical…my mom even commented today when we were at a market that she didn’t want one of their cookies because they weren’t “my” cookies. I guess that’s one thing I’m proud of: my baking skills. Too bad I won’t be putting them to use this year. Although, I admit that I enjoy making them sometimes just to watch other people eat them with satisfaction that I can control myself not to. That usually only lasts one batch, though, so if I do bake, I can only do so once.
P.S. Only 19 days until Thanksgiving!!!!! The countdown is in the teens…that’s amazing. I don’t even care about Thanksgiving day because I will be spending most of it avoiding food, but I just want to go to Chicago and see the fam!
