Friday, May 14, 2010

Guess who?

So I was looking through pictures of myself on facebook, finding all my flaws and looking back on a time when I was thinner (but still not thin enough obviously).  I found a picture that I felt perfectly reflects how I feel a lone girl lost in a sea of people.  I also was talking to my mom trying not to sound too depressed, and she kept telling me how I'd be happier once I lost 15 pounds...lies.  I pretended like that was true, but honestly, when I was that weight I was just as depressed.  She's probably just forgotten since that was several years ago.  But anyway, today I ate well even though fasting is more ideal.  I had a small apple with a sprinkle of honey, cinnamon, and sugar, and fat free yogurt.  Delicious.  I can't eat much today anyway because my stomach is trying to rip me apart...not sure why.  I decided to take a whole bunch of laxatives to see if maybe that would make me feel better, and since my roommate is gone for the weekend, I can be as unhealthy and pathetic as I want for several days.  Awesome.

Now, feel free to look at the picture below and guess which one is me!  This was when I was a senior in high school, starving myself, and what my mom thinks is a weight that would make me happy.  Of course, I was still depressed at the time this pic was taken, so whatever, mom.  Good luck, ladies  :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Breaking the cycle

Okay, so I did well over the weekend, and now I'm stuck in my damn cycle of bingeing and purging yet again.  I think that's even worse than starving when it comes to health, too, because I always feel incredibly dehydrated, disoriented, and confused (not to mention a sore throat as well) when I purge.  It's really not good for the body, but it's sooo addicting.  Last night, I actually woke up in the middle of the night just to go to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat for no apparent reason...not a good sign.  Plus, this just brings me to a gradual weight gain as supposed to drastic loss like fasting or restricting, which is what I plan on returning to.  I've been talking to Arii, and we have decided that we both need to lose weight fast.  I mean, that's not shocking since I'm always saying that.  I have yet to get under 145lbs recently, though, and I keep fluctuating right above but just can't seem to mentally break through that barrier for whatever reason.  Technically, I could get into the 130s or even 120s before Memorial weekend, but let's be honest, I probably am not good enough or a worthwhile enough human being to be that successful.  But I'm sure as hell going to try.

So Arii and I are going to eat less than 500 calories tomorrow and burn it off in some sort of cardio workout.  She's focusing on her stomach and thighs, and so will I, but naturally I would also like to lose weight in my arms, face, neck, shoulders, calves, butt, hips...okay, my entire body.  My goal is to look fragile because that's my idea of beauty.  Tomorrow, I will let you know how I do and update you on my plan for the following day.  I think I'm going to be eating a lot of fruit from now on because that's how I best lost and maintained a lower weight in high school when I was actually good at starving myself.  Now, I just go through phases...still haven't had a normal day of eating since last year though.

Wish me luck?!

Monday, May 10, 2010


Thanks for your support, ladies, because I've been feeling really down and self conscious after my roommate sent that message.  I wasn't sure if I was inwardly taking it too personally or not, but I'm glad that I'm not just being dramatic or overly sensitive.  I don't consider myself a particularly dramatic person, with the exception of this eating problem, and the only thing I really worry about is my weight.  Unlike my roommate who, if listed in the dictionary, would seriously be synonymous with "dramatic."  It's really quite ridiculous, and I'm glad we are only living together for a few more weeks.  Just gotta stay strong...don't want to make an unnecessary enemy.

Today I binged and purged (ugh), but at least I did well the past few days.  For some reason, Mondays and Wednesdays I always do terribly because I'm sitting around at work, surrounded by food, for nine hours.  If I can stay strong on Wednesday, then that would be phenomenal.  I will at least bring work out clothes with me that time so I can burn all of it off.  Tomorrow, fortunately, I have three 2 hour classes, so I'm going to work out in between them, and hopefully burn off all this fucking food I had today.  I also bought more diet pop, which I live off of.  My mom has also been trying to motivate me to lose 15 pounds, which I plan on doing by Memorial weekend if possible.  Then I can at least lay out in a swimsuit...not walk around in it, of course, though.  I will never be skinny enough for that.

I thought it was interesting how my mom told me on the phone the other day, "I don't understand how you starve yourself," because I hadn't eaten yet and it was 1pm.  I didn't think she ever noticed that, but she doesn't seem to see it as a problem since I'm not incredibly skinny.  I think she won't take me seriously until I have a bmi that suggests I'm underweight, and I'm unfortunately in the healthy range right now.  How depressing.  I'm going to go study now and cram for this exam that I apparently have tomorrow morning at 8am?  Yeah, thought it was Thursday not Tuesday...oops.