Tuesday, March 8, 2011

When Friends Become Strangers

There are times when you haven't seen a friend in a while and it's just like old times.  Those are always great moments, and I think that's what makes a truly great friend.  Then there are times when you see a friend after a while, and you don't know what to say.  Sometimes you feel as though you've never met them at all, and it's only their face that's recognizable.  I've been feeling like that with nearly all my so called "friends" (or rather, acquaintances) lately, including my roommate.  How can I feel further apart from someone that I live with?

I saw her when I was studying today, and it felt so strange.  I didn't feel like I knew her at all, or maybe it's really the other way around.  I've changed a lot, or at least I've let my past and my thoughts consume my life.  I've bottled myself up inside so much that I no longer have anything to say, for fear of spilling anything too personal, and she never asks me anything about my day anyway.  And perhaps that's part of the problem that's caused our drifting apart as well.  I don't know that she's necessarily had to deal with people as, well, "screwed up" as I am, and her life is much more stable than my own.  I can't help but wonder sometimes if she notices something is wrong or not because I always think I'm more secretive than I actually am.  People always figure things out in the end, as much as we try to keep things hidden.

But my point was just how strange it is to look at the face of someone who used to be a friend and feel no connection.  It's almost as though you want to cock your head to side and say, "Huh, you look familiar."  That would be rude, of course, since you know each other, but I swear it feels like a dream rather than reality.  Then again, everything in my life seems more like a dream (or a nightmare)...which is why I really want to get that tattoo I've mentioned...

Monday, March 7, 2011

F**kin' Perfect - Pink

I love this song, and I wish I could watch the video on youtube...but after watching it twice and ending up cutting myself as a result, I decided that I really can't.  It's kind of sad that the video is just too triggering for me, but what can I do?  So I have it playing in a separate tap on my browser...still a little tempted but manageable.  I think.  I'll let you know tomorrow because the night is young.

Anyway, I've been addicted to UDF soft serve lately, and it has become a staple in my diet.  It's a good thing it's only a dollar and fat free and substituted as one of my meals.  I only have it at night if I'm craving something sweet and jut really want it, but I don't have it every day at least.  I greatly wish I could just not eat sweet things, but I have a such a sweet tooth.  I also eat muffins a lot...what kind of psychotic disordered person am I?!  It's weird that I'm so fanatical about losing weight and being hungry yet I eat muffins.  But here's the thing:  I only eat good ones that I know the calorie content of, and it's usually my meal for the day.  Sad but true and ridiculously unhealthy.  It's no wonder I feel like shit most of the time because I don't have any protein in my diet.  One of my classmates commented that I never seem to eat because we're always studying together at Panera, and I only eat muffes, yogurt parfaits, or a bagel (if I've been good, haven't eaten yet that day, and it's dinner time), and it takes me about 4 hours to eat any of the above.  I can't help but wonder if other patrons look at me and think I'm a freak or clearly have a problem...I guess it could be obvious, but it's just such habit to eat obnoxiously slowly that I don't even think about it.  Sometimes I'm too self conscious to eat in public because I know people will stare at me (but pretend not to be) strangely.  I'm especially self conscious when eating Starbursts because I eat each one in four bites.  One of my friends joked that the Starburst was just too big of a bite, but most people just choose not to comment.

Tomorrow I turn in my last lab report of the quarter, and I'm hoping to have it done early so I can reward myself with some quality Starbucks.  I'm thinking I'll have a low fat muffin tomorrow for lunch/dinner.  Mmmm.  I'm in a shockingly good mood right now...perhaps because my jeans were so huge on me today that they felt like sweatpants?