Feels like a binge

I feel like I binged already today or maybe it's just in my head. When I think about food or see it, I feel as though it's swallowed me...or rather, I've swallowed it. Its mere appearance seems to add pounds to my already large frame, and I feel completely disgusted and utter revulsion. So far today, I have had a medium coffee with a dash of skim milk (20 cals? 50 just to be safe), a caramel light frappuccino from Starbucks (160 cals...ugh!), part of a fundip (10 cals), and gum (50 cals?). I know I'm overexaggerating all of the calories, but I want to be safe. I don't want to unwittingly wake up tomorrow 50 lbs heavier because I didn't calculate correctly. The Starbucks was probably my biggest fault, so I can't eat anymore today. And I'm drinking a sugarfree Red Bull, which is 10 calories.

I'm having a mini panic attack in the bookstore. I'm just thinking about how horribly I've eaten, how horrendous I look, and how there's this really skinny bitch sitting a few tables away from me without a care in the world. I bought fun dip at Target because it's 50 calories per little pack, and it's not something you can eat much of before it literally destroys your mouth with its sweetness. I never bit the stick, and I had less than half of the powder. It took so much willpower to even open the packet because I felt guilty for just looking at it, let alone actually licking that calorie loaded sugar concoction. So after quickly feeling nauseating and like a complete waste of human flesh, I threw it away and bought my Red Bull and water instead. I'll probably get some black coffee when I'm done because I'm in dire need of caffeine.

Perhaps I'm getting to the point where I just can't eat at all. I feel repulsed, and my body might literally reject food. It's happened many times before. At least I lost 3 pounds from yesterday. But I still feel like a failure. I can't help it.

Time for Finals...ugh

I like finals week because there's no class, but I hate finals. Tomorrow I am going to be living off coffee and studying hardcore.

Also, I just thought I would mention that, as I decided yesterday, I fasted today. I just didn't really feel like eating, so I passed up the amazingly delicious smelling pizza at work today and drank my diet coke. And when I went to CVS while waiting for my bus, I ignored all the appealing snacks as soon as I saw the nutrition facts and picked up a powerade zero instead.

Tonight I am planning to measure myself with the new tape measure I just got. It's pink and pretty adorable. When I bought it, the woman at the register asked me if I was a design student...um, no. Never really thought it would feel awkward to buy a tape measure, so that was a new one.

Faint

I'm addicted to this feeling. This feeling of walking through life in a daze...the world on mute, my mind a blur, the detachment from my body. It feels as though my body is a whole other entity, and I'm always watching from a distance. I visualize myself stumbling down the sidewalk, the pallor of my skin, the wondrous expression on my face. Sometimes it's as though I'm a child, watching the world in amazement as if seeing everything for the very first time. But I'm never actually seeing anything though I am always looking. There's a difference.

It's almost as though I am always high. I can stare at one object forever because my mind is too muddled to do anything else and it distracts me from the painful feeling in my chest and my head. Occasionally I am muse about my life and reflect in curious wonderment how it is all falling to pieces. Reality is appearing in fragments in at a dizzying rate, but I am trying my best to deflect it in order to continue to live in my own personal matrix. Most of the time I don't even know what's real and what's not, when I'm dreaming and when I'm awake. My dreams can be so vivid that I wake up in the morning thinking it's the middle of the afternoon. How can I distinguish between what's in my mind and what's reality? Is there even a difference anymore?

Today I did have a sudden crash with reality as I was slammed full force with the effects that my habits have on my body. I was determined to burn off more calories than I consumed today, which was somewhere between 350 and 375. I burned 400 on the elliptical. Then I went tanning, but unfortunately, the free tanning booth is a standing bed. I didn't make it the full ten minutes as I suddenly felt my heart pounding, my world spinning, and chills running over my skin. I tried to bear it, thinking it was all in my head, but after about 30 more seconds I realized that I was, in fact, about to pass out. In order to prevent fainting, naked, in a tanning bed, I stepped out to feel the cool air and attempt to regain my vision. I then tried tanning again, but the vertigo returned at an even more accelerated rate.

However, when I started walking back to my apartment, I wasn't concerned about my health or how much water I should have been drinking during the day. I thought about how light and airy I felt as I made my way through the parking lot, and how I never wanted the feeling to go away. I always want to feel as though I'm drunkenly strolling through life. And as a result, I'm fasting tomorrow. This is when I should logically think I have an issue...when I am strongly motivated by yet another near fainting experience. But I want my limbs to feel like jelly, and I want to move them in front of my eyes, cock my head to the side, and wonder why my arm feels numb. I want to continue to dream.

Lost...

I was so lost yesterday...literally.

My day started off great. I had lost two pounds from the day before, I was drinking lots of caffeine, and the weather was amazing. I headed out on my little adventure to Target, got a skinny iced latte on my way, bought a sketchbook, "Wasted," sudoku, and a few odds and ends at Target. Unfortunately, I could not find a tape measure anywhere. As I left Target, the bus that I thought I should take was coming around the corner. Thinking life was amazing and working out perfectly, I hopped on it, assuming to be headed home...WRONG! Where did I end up? I don't know. I ended up far away from my college campus in the middle of a sketchy area with no idea what to do. My roommate tried to give me directions to a bus stop since she was at work, but she thought I was in a nice little suburban area in the complete opposite direction. So I ended up wandering aimlessly, trying not to look like a victim (which they always tell you in self defense classes) even though I had a strong urge to cry (and I never cry!). And to top things off, it was after 6pm and getting dark...fast! Fortunately, after wandering about in the fading light through creepy streets filled with abandoned and boarded up buildings, idly thinking about the high possibility of my getting shot and oddly not too unnerved about that particular possibility (I was more frustrated with my stupidity of getting on the wrong bus than anything else), my mom called my roommate's mom, and my roommate ended up leaving early from work to pick up my stranded self. After all the chaos, I did not get to work out, but thankfully I walked a lot. I was not a happy camper by the end of the whole ordeal. But at least it was an eventful day.

Also, I did my first sketch in my new sketchbook last night. My mom is an artist, so I love to draw. Usually I draw people because I love finding those little details in a person's face and capturing the emotion on paper. It's much better than inanimate objects or scenery, which typically bores me. My first official sketch was one of some model in a Shape magazine. It's just her face, and I think it had something to do with a makeup trend...or her nails because they were randomly shown splayed across her shoulder in a pretty plum color. I could check the ad, but I'm too lazy. If my camera was working, I would post a picture of the drawing. Whenever it decides to start working, I'll let you know.

Oh, and I didn't lose any weight from yesterday to today. I don't know why, and I'm not pleased with that result, especially since I ate less than 300 calories yesterday! What the hell?!

Progress

So today I haven't really had any water, which is not good, but I'm going to change that soon. I ate half of a light yoplait (50 calories) and threw the rest away and had sugar free red bull and diet coke. So my total is 105 calories once I add everything up (including the vitamins and calcium which are 45). Now I'm about to leave my apartment for a nice little adventure to Target since it's so warm outside to pick up a tape measure (for obvious reasons), a sketchbook, some coffee, and a copy of Wasted. There's a bookstore and coffee shop over by Target, too, and I'm looking to kill some time since I have nothing else to do today. Plus, I'm all dressed to work out on my way home! All in all, I think this will be a good day, yes?

43

I made it to 43 points today. I worked out for an hour, ate brusselsprouts, and drank 12 cups of water. So not bad for the first day, but I think I should do better tomorrow, especially since it would be ideal to eat less than what I did today. And I'm sorry the previous post's point system was so poorly laid out. I'm going to fix that since I was in such a hurry this morning for my post, and now I'm going to bed. So it'll be more readable tomorrow when I repost it. Promise!

Nose to the Grindstone

Normally I don't post so early in the morning, but I'm already feeling inspired. My plan today is to go to work, work out, go to work again, work out again, and then go to bed. I should be able to get by with just drinking lots of water, black coffee, diet pop, and burning off lots of calories without much difficulty. Neville (my ipod shuffle) is very eager to take me through this journey, and he has both a thinspiration playlist and a workout playlist, which are very different ends of the spectrum with regards to music. I've decided to do a point system, which I have seen posted on many websites. It goes like this:

Food Exercise Water

fast...20pts 1hour...10pts +10cups...20pts

liquids...15pts 100 situps...5pts 9-10cups...15pts

100-200cals...13pts 15 reps of anything...5pts 8cups...13pts

201-300cals...11pts 7cups...10pts

301-400cals...9pts 6cups...8pts

401-500cals...7pts 5cups...6pts

501...600cals...5pts 4cups...4pts

601-700cals...4pts 3cups...2pts

701-800cals...3pts 2cups...0pts

801-900cals...2pts 1 or less cups...negative5pts

901-1000cals...1pts

+1000cals..negative3pts

I'm leaving for spring break in a week and a half, and I need to lose weight. It would be really sad if I wasn't at my latest goal weight by the time it really matters! If anyone else wants to tally up points with me, please feel free! I'll let you know my number and progress when I get home tonight.