Feels like a binge

I feel like I binged already today or maybe it's just in my head. When I think about food or see it, I feel as though it's swallowed me...or rather, I've swallowed it. Its mere appearance seems to add pounds to my already large frame, and I feel completely disgusted and utter revulsion. So far today, I have had a medium coffee with a dash of skim milk (20 cals? 50 just to be safe), a caramel light frappuccino from Starbucks (160 cals...ugh!), part of a fundip (10 cals), and gum (50 cals?). I know I'm overexaggerating all of the calories, but I want to be safe. I don't want to unwittingly wake up tomorrow 50 lbs heavier because I didn't calculate correctly. The Starbucks was probably my biggest fault, so I can't eat anymore today. And I'm drinking a sugarfree Red Bull, which is 10 calories.

I'm having a mini panic attack in the bookstore. I'm just thinking about how horribly I've eaten, how horrendous I look, and how there's this really skinny bitch sitting a few tables away from me without a care in the world. I bought fun dip at Target because it's 50 calories per little pack, and it's not something you can eat much of before it literally destroys your mouth with its sweetness. I never bit the stick, and I had less than half of the powder. It took so much willpower to even open the packet because I felt guilty for just looking at it, let alone actually licking that calorie loaded sugar concoction. So after quickly feeling nauseating and like a complete waste of human flesh, I threw it away and bought my Red Bull and water instead. I'll probably get some black coffee when I'm done because I'm in dire need of caffeine.

Perhaps I'm getting to the point where I just can't eat at all. I feel repulsed, and my body might literally reject food. It's happened many times before. At least I lost 3 pounds from yesterday. But I still feel like a failure. I can't help it.