Saturday, May 14, 2011


Have you ever felt like you were drunk without a drop of alcohol touching your tongue?  I swear I have been for the past hour.  It happens to me sometimes that I'll suddenly feel a little dizzy before my mind goes fuzzy, my vision slightly delayed, and the world seems like it's turning upside down.  My skin usually starts to sweat, my arms grow weak, and I swear that my heart is pounding.  When you're sipping a special drink and this happens, you think, "Yes, my (enter alcohol of your choice) is working!"  But when you're simply sitting on a piano bench, struggling to see the keys, you think, "Holy shit, what is this?!"  And then, you continue to attempt to play, pretending like it's normal to feel like you're about to fall to the floor.

If you're me, you might decide that you drank to much water or ate too much food and a trip to the bathroom is just the right cure.  That's what I did, and while my head still hurts, at least part of my discomfort is gone.  I'm sure that was not good for me, but, like I've said a million times, when do I ever do anything that's good for me?

...although I did go tanning today for the first time in a very long time AND I got my nails touched up.  They're gold now, by the way, and I love them.  Also, I thought I'd mention that yesterday? Friday the 13th?  Yeah, I was definitely jinxed because everything I did was chaos.  I work in a lab, and I was convinced, at one point, that when I turned on a sink, I was going to somehow start a fire.  That's how disastrous my day was.  Fortunately, no fire was started, but don't get me started on all my other troubles.  I blame the date.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A slightly better morning

...but shitty day.  Fortunately, I didn't wake up with the incessant need to hurl the contents of my stomach into the toilet this morning, but my mouth has felt terrible still as a result.  I don't know if the acid did something or if my mouth is just dry...I think my teeth or rotting, though, because they're extremely sensitive and hurt sometimes when I chew gum.

Moving on, I worked out today, so I'm proud.  I ate about 900 calories (could definitely improve that number) and burned only about 500 at the gym.  I really need to counteract my previous week's bingeing spree because I look like a cow.  I swear that the cows along the road on my way to work are mooing in irritation because they think I've escaped the pasture.  Honestly, I just hate feeling like a man.  Girls are supposed to be dainty not beastly, so what am I?  Some odd kind of man flower?  I would be frightened if I saw me...oh wait, I do, and I'm petrified.  A woman at work told me that I have "the prettiest eyes," which is lovely to hear, but it's my only redeeming quality.

I would really like, also, to move out of my parents' house so that I can wallow in my misery ini peace.  They keep trying to get me to socialize, despite my preference to remain by myself.  For some reason, it is beyond them how people desire different things in the world and how their spawn could possibly not be an exact replica of their personalities. I sound extremely bitter, I know, and perhaps I am, but I want you to know that I really do love my parents.  But when they assume that I am one way when I am not, it irks me...such as when my mom describes me as a "bubbly, happy person."  Do I really seem cheerful to you?  No, probably not, but she's not supposed to know that.  Either I hide things really well and doesn't pay attention or I truly don't know myself at all.  I don't know which is worse.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Painful beginnings

I began my day by purging this morning.  I woke up from my long 2 hour "nap" last night (or rather, this morning), and I was so nauseous that I had to vomit.  As expected, my day sucked and I felt like shit.  So I'm going to bed, and should have gone several hours ago to make up for my lack of sleep last night.  It was all kind of a blur, of those nights when I put off tomorrow by remaining awake and thus suffering the following day.  I don't know why I do it, and I know I'm doing it now.  I guess I just know how much I don't want to wake up, but sadly, I can't stop time.  Wish I could.  Where's magic when you need it?