Vanity

Okay so I've been slacking on my posting.  Yesterday I was running on 20 minutes of sleep because I had too much coffee Thursday night and couldn't sleep.  But I have some good news.  First, I saw the boy I've mentioned before on Thursday night and he stayed over.  He was so sweet, and we've still been talking every day.  I like how I've known him for so long, we're both kind of dorks sometimes, and he thinks I'm beautiful (somehow).  I think it's adorable how he blushes around me, especially since he was the typical funny, popular, party guy in high school, yet he melts around me...it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside...such a rare feeling for me.  But I like to keep my love life kind of secret, so that's as far as I'll go into the details.  I guess I feel like it's too good to be true because in the past, whenever I get excited, the relationship fails.  This is a little different since we went to high school together, but still!  The second thing that made my day yesterday was that my mom mentioned that I looked like I lost weight.  It's true because I have, but I guess I don't notice it as much as other people.  I'm hoping to lose a lot more quickly, hopefully another five pounds by next weekend.

One thing that has been bothering me, however, is my little brother.  He's sixteen, and he sometimes gets really moody.  I know that's normal, but I mean, he gets really really upset...about stupid things, too.  Today, he had a party to go to, and my mom and I refused to let him go in athletic shorts and a tshirt.  I mean, let's be honest, if you're going to a party, at least wear jeans or something!  But he claimed that he looked weird in jeans...what the hell?!  Okay, I look weird in jeans in my opinion, despite my mom (as all mothers do) telling me I look gorgeous in anything, but for a guy to say that?  He's tall and lanky, so how could he possibly look funny in them?  And for the record, he doesn't.  So my mom and I made a run to the mall to pick up some plaid shorts for him, since I guess none of his fit anymore, which probably explains his constant athletic short wearing.  Odd that most of his clothes are getting a little too big for him...he still eats a lot, just not as much as he used to, and growing tends to slim guys out a lot.  I was a little jealous when the shorts we got him were too big, though.

But here's the thing that kills me:  part of his insecurity is because of me and I can't do anything about it.  I kind of have this fan club at my high school, even though I graduated in three years ago.  The current seniors were freshman when I was a senior, and they still remember what I look like; plus, I've been to a few of my little brother's sporting events, so even his classmates know now, too.  You would think I would be really stuck up about my looks because of all this dwelling on my physical features, but honestly, I just don't see it.  I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but apparently, my supposed beauty makes my little brother feel inferior.  I'm practically famous amongst the male population at his school, and he just feels as though he can never measure up.  He doesn't know that it's made me very screwed up and have unrealistic expectations for myself, not to mention he's a guy and girls would never make up a little fan club like that.  The fact that I am a girl completely changes everything, and the two of us can't be compared.  But it still makes me feel guilty, and I hate how he feels so self conscious because of me.  I had never thought about it before until he mentioned it in his little tantrum...

How do I make him feel better?

Nightmare

I know this is an early post, but I had to tell you before I forgot.  Also, a quick side note, I am fasting today and tomorrow...I have no reason for it other than that I am fat and weigh the same as I did yesterday, which obviously will not do.

I had a terrifying nightmare last night, and I blame the chocolate covered graham crackers that I ate before going to bed.  Sugar has a tendency to yield messed up dreams.

I dreamt that I was really skinny because of not eating (my goal obviously), and I had a lot of heart problems.  I was starting to get heart attacks or go into cardiac arrest, and the nurse at school (as if I were still in high school) and teachers were watching me to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital.  I passed out a lot, and my chest hurt.  There was a little bump where my heart is and it was so tender to the touch and throbbed.  I keep feeling it now, afraid it will hurt if I touch it still.  But I remember feeling my heart stop, the world fading to black, me inwardly screaming and trying to reopen my eyes...I was rushed to the emergency room and wanted to yell at the doctors to stop shocking me because I could feel the electricity shooting through my body.  It was like an out of body experience within a dream, and it hurt so much.  Most of my dream remains hazy, and it mainly consisted of me walking around, going into shock, and almost dying repeatedly.  It was really strange, and I was truly terrified the whole time.  When I woke up, I was in a state of shock.

Now I'm okay, fasting, and still clearly trying to lose weight.  It's kind of scary how even the version of me in my dream refused to give up her unhealthy dieting when on the verge of death...maybe this is my future.  I know it's bleak, but I'm not happy now so does it even matter?  I look in the mirror and almost cry because I look so heinous.  It's hard trying to live when I look the way I do, and most of the time I struggle to even find the will.  I like to think that once I lose weight, I'll finally be happy, but I know that's just a lie that I tell myself.  Still, it's the only hope I have.

FML

Lovely, I binged today...at least I was on the elliptical for two hours and burned 1230 calories.  I am still in semi shock I was able to work out that long, but honestly it was probably because I had way too much fucking sugar.  I have a new game plan for tomorrow, though:  take a diet pill bright and early, drink a sugar free red bull, and work out on the elliptical for at least one hour.  Then I will come home, shower, study, take my exam, drink lots of coffee and finish out the rest of my day.  I think I will be living off of coffee and pickles for the next few days now...oh well.

Oh and the guy I like is coming up tomorrow :)

"I hate my face" True Life

 I was watching True Life last night, the one called “I hate my face,” and not gonna lie, I thought the girls were nuts.  Feeling so upset and depressed that you have to get several plastic surgery operations to supposedly make yourself feel better (when clearly it’s an underlying problem) is so shocking to me.  Then I realized the complete irony of the situation.  How am I acting much differently?

Of course, my revelation is not going to chance my actions because the effect of the program was very short lived, not to mention I still refuse to believe I have a deep problem anyway, but it was still interesting to see other people thinking in ways similar to myself.  Those girls, however, will have less long term problems most likely since they aren’t slowly destroying their organs, but their ways of handling issues are much more blatant.  Obviously going under the knife is not very subtle.  Plus, I feel like faces are not something you can really change like your body.  A fat body reflects a lack of discipline and self control, so I can't help but feel hating your body is not the same as hating your face.  I like to think I’m not that screwed up like that, but I’m sure if other people found out what I do they would think I was nuts as well.  I’d prefer to keep living under the illusion that I’m normal though.

On a positive note, though, about this date!  I’m not sure exactly what we’re going to do, but I think play tennis and then dinner?  I’m trying not to think about dinner…it’s possible he remembers about my little eating problem since it was kind of a thing in high school but perhaps not.  I can’t decide if I want him to remember or not…guess I’ll find out eventually.  But I’m really excited for our date because we’ve been talking about it for weeks.  He goes to a different college than me so I haven’t really seen him in a few years.  I’ll keep you updated on how it goes, and what should I wear?!  I have cute tennis outfits since that was my sport in high school but still…

Oh and Holly, you are SO right…even though I have a fake, it’s still the principle of the thing!  Why do I have to wait two more months??? Stupid drinking age…

            

A little better

I finally decided to be social yesterday.  I had part of a muffin and four marshmallows (delicious day, I know) before deciding to go out for once.  I'm only 20, but I have a fake i.d.  I get nervous about using it because I'm always worried I'll be rejected from the bars.  The girl on the i.d. is really blonde, and I have light brown hair.  It hasn't failed me yet somehow, but I was still nervous.  In the end, a few of my friends and I bought some wine, drinking it while watching comedy central, before heading out to our first bar.  It was pouring rain outside, and my jeans were soaked...not ideal conditions.  (Fortunately, I had an umbrella).  The first bar we went to was pretty relaxing and a small gem hidden from the main road.  The liquor was cheap, which made me happy, and we managed to grab a little table.  I think we stayed there for about an hour before deciding to head to another more crowded bar.  It is known for being really strict with i.d.'s, but I've already been there twice somehow?  Last time, the guy at the door grilled me on the information on my i.d. and knew it obviously wasn't me even know he let me in.  This time, however, the guy looked at it, told me to smile for him (which I did), and then he let me in.  One of my friends asked me, "Did he seriously just ask you to smile for him?"  Yes, yes he did.  Sadly, there wasn't anyone we knew there, which was unusual, so we only stayed a few minutes before traipsing down the river, er, sidewalk, to another bar.  This one brought us a whole bunch of creepers, so when a guy came up, hiccupping, appearing as if he were about to vomit on us, inviting us to his party with free beer even though I insisted I'm a strictly liquor girl, and hand wandering to forbidden places, we decided to leave.

At first glance, it seems like the night was a bust, but somehow we still had a lot of fun.  I think watching and making fun of all the weird people while we were drunkenly wandering about made our night.  There are certainly some pretty interesting people in a big city.  I think one of my favorite past times is people watching, and my friends and I watch people and make up stories for why they are doing such ridiculous things.  We're very sarcastic, and I'm sure other people find it difficult to tell if we're being funny or mean...most of the time we're kidding, but every once in a while you get the creepy people who can't tell that you're making fun of them instead of flirting.  I don't want to sound like a mean person because I'm not, but when a creepy dude walks up to you and fails miserably with his pick up lines, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, right?  I'm sure these guys get lots of rejection anyway, and half the time I swear they're so drunk they won't remember in the morning anyway.  But I have a bad habit of assuming a guy is sketchy in a bar, even though I'm there, too.  It's a double standard I can't make myself get over, but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry...

Besides, guess who has a date on Thursday???  Gotta make sure I lose more weight before then...five pounds would be spectacular.  I feel like this is possible.  How were your weekends?